Thursday is such a cock-tease. It’s so close to the weekend, yet still so far away. Thursday, you bitch. Anyway…BREAKING NEWS! BREAKING NEWS! BREAKING NEWS! LLAMAS ARE ON THE LOOSE IN THE STREETS OF PHOENIX! Yes, that’s right, I said LLAMAS. The most deadly creatures on the face of the Earth, known for their killer instinct and thirst for blood. Naturally, this has sent the entire nation (and all of Twitter) into a state of mass hysteria the likes of which this nation hasn’t seen since The Great Monkey Rampage of 2009, which as you know served as the inspiration for Tainstick’s hit song “Monkeys of War”. These furry murder machines have rendered the Phoenix PD useless, making them look like bitches in the process. Who can save us from this terror? Thankfully our nation’s heroes, cowboys, came to the rescue and brought these monsters down. At long last, our national nightmare is over. Surely this day will leave in infamy for the rest of time. EllisManiaAIDS is a real thing and it’s wrapped its hands around both Dingo and Dave “The Voice” Boyce. Speedy recoveries to them both. Speaking of EllisMania, there’s a bit of controversy brewing regarding Andrew the VAGiant’s fight. Ellis thinks that Andrew could see the whole time and I’ll be honest, as someone who was there and saw it firsthand, I too thought Andrew could see the whole time. This atrocity cannot go unpunished, so it’s time for Andrew to spin the wheel. The arrow lands on one of the newer punishments: butt signature. Somehow Kevin ended up having to spin as well and he landed on the dick punching machine. Ellis bought the legendary Tiger Lee Ellis a new KTM dirt bike for his birthday, giving him the tools necessary to continue his quest to dominate the moto world.

Get ready to be Ryan Dungey’s underpants.

After the break, it was revealed that the Fucklord slayed some poon during EM. Naturally, Will denied it, but Dingo caught him red-handed heading towards a room that wasn’t his. Oh Wilson, you hound dog. Ellis got cock-blocked at one point during the weekend, as if he didn’t manage to fuck every other hot chick at HRH, so don’t feel too bad for him. Kevin, Andrew, and Will came in for a little game in which Jason, Tully, and Dingo had to decide whether what they read aloud was an established conspiracy theory or one he and Kevin made up.

Here’s the list:

• Elvis isn’t really dead (established)
• There’s another Earth that is perfectly in sync with our Earth, but it is constantly blocked by the Moon (established)
• The Oscar winners are all picked by one person (made-up)
• The War of the Worlds broadcast was real and later played off as a radio drama (made-up)
• Shakespeare was not a real person (established)
• Paul McCartney died years ago and was replaced with a doppelganger (established)
• There is a North American Union (Canada, USA, Mexico) that aims to bring in a New World Order (made-up)
• The attack on Pearl Harbor was allowed to happen so the US could join WWII (established)
• Abraham Lincoln was actually killed by the mafia (made-up)
• The Navy tried making an invisible ship, but during the experiment, the ship went through a rip in the space-time continuum and reappeared in the middle of the ocean (established)
• The gov’t uses a facial recognition software that scans every picture you take to track and identify every civilian (made-up) (but probably true)
• The US gov’t has 500,000 plastic coffins stored in Georgia in case of natural disasters and other mass casualties (made-up)
• Fidel Castro has been working with the US gov’t and helped establish the Panama Canal (established)
• The missing Malaysian flight that was never found actually landed at a US base in Guam (established)

We returned from the break with a bit of UFC news that I could give two shits about and a list sent in by a listener that goes over the top 10 deadliest weapons available for purchase on Amazon. Chelsea Handler came into the studio. I’ll be honest, she annoys the shit outta me so I skipped over the interview. If you really want to hear it, catch the replay tomorrow morning or hit up the On Demand channel. Final calls wrapped things up in its normal shitshow fashion and that does it for today’s show. Just a reminder, the show will be live from The Staples Center tomorrow for the upcoming UFC event. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to give your mum all of the new STDs I picked up while in Vegas this past weekend.