Ahhh can you feel it? Spring is right around the corner. Flowers start blooming, birds start chirping, and girls start wearing shorts that may as well be painted onto their skin. It’s a beautiful time…for those of you that don’t live in the North like I do. We’re getting excited over temps in the mid-40’s over here while you bastards complain that it’s “only in the 60’s”. Fuck you. Ellis wants Harry Potter to be on the show so he can give Ellis a lightening bolt scar on his head too. So there’s that. As we all know, Ellis has pink-eye because he lives with pets and kids that spread shit everywhere and never clean themselves. Either that, or he’s been dabbling in some Brazilian Fart Porn. I’m not here to judge. Tully also lives with a filthy cretin, known as Linsanity, who constantly wants to jam his way in between Tully and his wife while they sleep. This led Tully to talk about how he dreads the day they get a dog, because it’ll just be another extra body in the bed. This is when things started to take a bit of a dark turn. Ellis called Tully out for hating dogs because Tully said he doesn’t understand why anyone should care about something that isn’t human. *Anybody else starting to smell sauerkraut?* Tully then went on to say that breeds like the English Bulldog should be exterminated because they are genetically flawed stating, “It would put them out of their misery”. *Man, this is starting to sound really “Mein Kampf”-y.* Ellis said what we all were thinking: Tully is Dog Hitler. I mean think about, he has a mustache, has a Hitler youth style haircut, and wants to exterminate those that he deems “flawed”. It all makes sense now.
After the break, Will joined the guys to go over some potential new music for Faction. It was bad. REAL BAD. “Women, am I right?” made its triumphant return to the show, proving that beings who bleed for a week straight once a month and don’t die shouldn’t be trusted. A Mexican drug cartel leader was caught after a month on the run when police followed his girlfriend, who was bringing him a chocolate birthday cake, to his hiding spot. An English woman claims that she has not smiled or laughed for over 40 years because she wants to prevent getting wrinkles in her face. A NY woman cracked her boyfriend across the head with an aluminum bat because he farted. A UK woman is celebrating the anniversary of her marriage to her cats. A lady cut her husband’s dick off and then went to the hospital and cut it off again, disposing of it once and for all by throwing it out a window. Bitches be crazy.
We returned from break with Tully letting us know that all of Tiger Box will be on OJE, so if you weren’t at EMX, you’ll get to see it in all of its glory. Ellis called Will out on his atrocious haircut, which prompted Will to explain that the lady who cut his hair fucked it up. To be fair, she probably wasn’t able to stand straight after Will fucked the shit out of her, so what did you expect? The green room laughed at his expense and Will said that they’re out to get him, especially Andrew. Andrew came in to say that he gets annoyed when Will comes in at the start of the day and says “sup”. Blood-boiling stuff right there. Things devolved into a crybaby fest from Andrew that took the better part of 15 minutes. After that hissy fit, Will went over some news stories that I don’t really feel like writing down because I’m too busy enjoying this steak. Deal with it. Ronda Rousey was supposed to call-in to the show today, buuuuuut turns out she doesn’t want to talk to Ellis and ended her media tour early. I’d call her a bitch, but she’d beat the ever loving shit out of me. This made Andrew fucking pissed and caused him to destroy a small, helpless village. Will and the guys gave out some new Wolfknives names using a new technique where Tully says an adjective and Ellis follows it with a noun. Took a second to find their groove, but once they did, it worked pretty well.
After the break, Tully informed us of a poll that ranked the sexiest names for men and women. For women, it was Scarlett. For men, it was Alasandro. Women, am I right? Kevin and Will came in for a game centered around everyone’s favorite airplane reading material, SkyMall. It was basically the Etsy game, but with SkyMall instead. Items included a leather vest/fake tattoo shirt combo, a human slingshot, a magic wand remote control, a bug vacuum, circulation improving leg wraps, a coffee scented shirt, a device that helps lonely women clasp their bracelet, Bob’s affirmation box (a box that says “looking good, Bob!” and other phrases like that when you open it), a box filled with “inspirational” coins, a paper towel holder with 4 USB ports, a photoshopped sand heart picture, and lastly, a backpack that’s equipped with a grappling hook device and harness to help those in high rise building escape a fire. It’s amazing that magazine has lasted this long. Rest in peace, SkyMall. It’s time for another movie review, so make sure you watch Face-Off over the weekend. There won’t be a live show tomorrow because Ellis will be racing once again, so look out for Ol’ Yardsale Ellis out on the track. That does it for today’s show. Now get the fuck out.