Whenever I listen to “Butt Town”, I make sure to belt out those lyrics and stare at whoever is next to me in traffic, making sure to never break eye contact. People appreciate passion and commitment, and that’s what I bring to your ass. That and herpes. Lots of herpes. Getting old sucks, we all know this to be true. Your skin gets covered in wrinkles, your hair turns grey and falls out all together, your balls/tits stretch below your knees, and your uterus falls into the toilet. And as Ellis has learned at the spa recently, it’s even worse if you’re a fat piece of shit. You here that, fatty? Put down the McDonald’s and you might end up slightly less hideous when you’re older than you normally would. Linsanity, the no doubt perfect spawn of our Lord and savior Tully, has allegedly been kissing his friend at school and Tully had to tell him you don’t kiss people at school, but everywhere else is fair game. So next time you’re at a funeral, your work’s holiday party, or your sister’s abortion, feel free to start ramming your tongue down the throat of whoever you want! Hey, have you heard of this hot new Twitter hashtag #EllisVPunk ?! Well you need to start tweeting the ever loving shit out of it so Dana White will see it and make that fight happen. In a matter of about an hour, we managed to get it trending. Pretty sweet.
Hair loss can be a real bitch.
After the break, the guys watched a video about our favorite Aussie word…CUNT. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eMvtzpigvo4&feature=youtu.be
Geezer Butler, of Black Sabbath fame, was arrested for a getting into a bar fight. Not sure why that’s news, I mean he’s Geezer Fucking Butler, the dude has gotten into tons of bar fights over his lifetime. Everyone’s favorite pornstar, Joanna Angel, joined the guys to go over the details of the “Dude Am I A Slut?” parody porn that she’s making. While there, she also practiced some lines and worked on her Aussie accent. If she says “chuck it in me dumpa” at least once, it’ll go down as the greatest porn of all time. Joanna is celebrating the release of her nee line of sex toys Friday night at the Hustler Hollywood store and it’s free to get in, so if you’re in the area and feel like being the creepy guy in the corner, you should probably go.
Epic Meal Time mastermind and Canadian giant, Harley Morenstein returned to the show to play a game and find out who is the most Canadian. The questions asked to test how much of a syrup sipper everyone was were as follows: What is Tim Horton’s?, Who is Tim Horton?, What is a Double Double?, What do Canadians call Canadian bacon?, What’s in poutine?, What’s a Tourtière?, Ketchup/Pickle/All Dress have what in come?, What’s a Beaver Tail?, What does icing mean?, and a litany of Canadian phrases. The guys were also tested on their French as well as their CFL knowledge. In the end, it was known Canadian hater, Tully, who emerged victorious. Not to brag, but if I was there, I would DESTROY that game because we all know I’m a secret Canadian. As an added bonus, Harley decided to find out who is the most Jewish seeing as he is Jewish. The tests included: seeing who had the most money in their pockets (point Ellis), what’s the most Jewish thing you’ve ever done? (Ellis fucked a Jewish lady. Point.)…at this point, it basically became a conversation about the Jewish community and our favorite Jewish trust fund baby, RawDog, and his infamous, Golem-voiced “What about the money?!” quote got brought up, which resulted in me laughing so hard I sprayed water all over the place. Harley fucking rules and it’s awesome to see someone that I’ve been a big fan of for years make his way onto the show and absolutely kill it. If you weren’t able to listen to his appearance, do yourself a favor and check it out on the On Demand channel.
Take off, hoser.
We came back from the final break and were given the pleasure of listening to Andrew the Giant sing Katy Perry’s “Firework”. Sweet jesus, that guy is tone deaf. Kevin delighted us with his rendition of Lionel Ritchie’s “Hello”, which wasn’t half bad actually. Our little Cumtard is so talented. So talented in fact, that it was decided that he should sing while being tortured at Tiger Box. Potential Tiger Box set-list songs were discussed and final calls wrapped things up. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a Double Double and a box of Timbits that need my attention, so take off and don’t forget your toque, eh.