I’m gonna get right into it just like Big Daddy J did today and, oh, Hey there Adam Snyder of the New York Giants in the studio today. Can you say #boomsfordays? At least that’s what i think one who follows football and likes the Giants would say….i mean… would it kill them to get a hockey player on? Whatever, anyway, Adam Snyder has a huge face, but that’s prolly because he is a huge guy and huge people would look really weird if they had stopped tiny faces. Neil Diamond is at the SiriusXM studios in NY today which means that TJES has been displaced from the studio where they broadcast from yesterday, and occasionally treats them to the Diamond man walking past every now and again and Ellis and Tully shouting questions at him as he walked past for super quick and impromptu interviews.
NY pissed Ellis off today… he woke up early from a nightmare and was awake for an hour before falling back asleep and then waking up and deciding to get breakfast with Katie, and got sent to Shit Fuck Puke Potatoes by the hotel staff and didn’t even get enough shit fuck puke potatoes to eat for breakfast. Man…what the fuck. That is some straight up nonsense right there, fuck you and your shitty tourist driven suggestions, hotel staff. After the shit fuck puke potato breakfast, Ellis was looking to get somewhere to sweat it out fast…but the only place that he could find that the hotel staff could point him to was another shit place where Ellis would have had to also get a blowjob and fuck that noise. So…Ellis has decided that he needs to get himself out of that hotel and somewhere that is less of a tourist trap. Tully brings up that Ellis has come to this conclusion multiple times on his various trips to New York…he is too often stuck in the touristy part of New York…not the cool part and he needs to get to the cool part so he doesn’t hate coming to Manhattan quite as much. So, Ellis started out his day today with a shit fuck puke potato breakfast, couldn’t sit in a steam room and stew it out of himself, and then couldn’t get anywhere else because Siri is a fucking cunt and there was just wayyyyyyy too much foot traffic.
But, hey, how’s it going Adam Snyder of the NY Giants?
Adam is all about going to a steam room and sweating it out. I am not entirely sure at all times what Ellis and Adam and other sauna go-ers are trying to get out…but maybe I don’t have anything in me that needs to get out with the help of steam. I’m not one of those Bikram yoga chicks…I’m a good old Ashtanga bitch who works up enough of a sweat without having to be in a room that’s 100 degrees. But Adam and Ellis, well, they’re professional athletes and there are things that need to come out with sweat that they don’t generate by doing anything other than sitting in a super hot room with a buncha other dudes, Adam even says that there is a steam room in the locker room at the Meadowlands where he can sweat it out any time that he wants. Will walks past the studio somewhere around this point and Ellis points out that Will could really use some time in a steam room because he looks like walking jetlag death with the darkest of the dark circles beneath his eyes and when Ellis finds an acceptable steam room he’ll let Will know…nope. Nevermind. He doesn’t want to be in a towel and sweaty and with Will in the same room. But, Will should find one on his own and sweat it out.
Ellis starts talking again about how he’s working on getting out of his current hotel and wants to get to the East Side, hopefully Downtown, because that’s where the haps are happening, and the conversation comes around to how he has said this multiple times before and how he’s always in a shitty mood in New York because he’s not staying in the right place, and brain damage, man…it’s a motherfucker. Tully asks Adam if brain damage is a genuine concern for him and other NFL players, given the current climate and how many studies have been done regarding football and brain injury and Adam says that yeah, it is something that he thinks about and is a genuine concern for him, but the trainers on the sidelines are so keyed up about it and are so on top of it that it’s the best situation that it can be at this point. Plus, no one goes around the locker room calling someone a pussy if they don’t want to get back on the field after having a portion of their brain knocked out of their nose. Tully asked what the sideline concussion test entailed and Adam explained that it’s basic questions to test cognitive function like, “What day of the week is it?” and then Ellis and Tully laugh because the answer is always going to be Sunday. And that made me laugh really hard…cause lol…Sunday is Football day.
Ellis is waiting for Katie to show up at the studio to tell the story of their misadventures from last night, so Tully takes the opportunity to let all of us lovely listeners know that TJES is going to be live from Hooters tomorrow (and he did mention which Hooters, but I missed it, so slap me) and that the guests who have confirmed that they will be chowing down on wings with the boys are Rob Zombie and Artie Lang, so…funny and scary and boobs!!! Wooo!!! Katie is super excited about going to Hooters and getting her hands on some free wings, because who wouldn’t be super excited about that? Tully makes a joke about how they should do shows from Hooters more often since apparently that’s when guests say that they’ll actually show up and Ellis mentions that he heard Anthony Cumia (that’s the Anthony from ‘Opie and’ fame) on Joe Rogan’s podcast and that he was really good. Really good, really funny, and he can see how he got as big as he was/is. Cullen then chimes in about how he really really really just doesn’t like him, and someone talks about how he had a heart attack and that made his comedy go even darker than it was to begin with, and he doesn’t like him and yadda yadda, but Ellis said that if he heard stuff like what Anthony was spitting coming from some young kid that was a no name it might make him sweat a little cause look out. But…we all know by now what’s happened to Anthony so I really don’t think that there’s anything for Ellis to be particularly worried about. Then Katie shows up and they go to their first break,
Tully brings us back with a news story about how rapper Cam’ron (who rocks pink harder than any other hip hop artist ever) has released a signature Ebola Mask, because why not profit on would could be an international pandemic? Oh…except for the fact that Ebola is not an airborne disease and a flimsy paper mask isn’t going to do anything to protect you super well from any of the bodily fluids that could actually infect you with hemorrhagic fever. In other news, Ellis is back on Vine because he finds making vides for Vine much more fun and fancy free than when he does it for other social media sites and Ellis could really use less stress and more fun and fancy free in his life. What kind of vids is he posting, you may be asking (i really don’t fucking know since i can’t hear you- i had my ESP disconnected years ago), just stupid videos of him calling stuff stupid, or videos of Katie’s naked bum in the morning under the covers, and videos of him slapping his pets and kids and Katie in the face. Because he’ll slap anyone…except Supercross…Supercross hasn’t gotten a slap yet, he’s going to have to get on that.
So…now for the story of the epic misadventures of what Katie and Ellis got up to in Manhattan last night. They went out for dinner last night after the show to a place where Ellis has been before when people are telling him that they are going to be paying for his airfare and shit and that was all cool and it made Ellis happy to eat right after the show (which he thanks Katie for) and after that Ellis decides to take Katie to a strip club, because it’s cool to walk into a strip club with a lady. Ellis gives a little bit of backstory on the strip club, and informed Tully that it’s a strip club he’s been to before and that he usually stops in there during the day before coming to do a show in the studio in New York, which surprised Tully, but he has never been there before in the night time. So he decides to take Katie there and there were a bunch of girls there, Katie counted 20 girls that were there in a working capacity- for the whopping 5-6 patrons. But…the caveat…is that there really aren’t any tables and none of the girls that were there really seemed like they wanted to be there doing what they were doing. And they were all Russian. And it made Ellis sad because this place might be part of the Russian/American sex trade that I’m sure is a thing that really exists. Ellis gave Katie all of his money because a dance for her was only 20 bucks, but a dance for him was 180 bucks and if she paid for the dances then Ellis could just kick back, relax, and watch his chick have fake sex with another chick and enjoy the show. But after a little bit of watching and contemplating the fact that these chicks really did not seem like they were enjoying themselves all that much and could be sex slaves, he decided that it was time to get out of there and head someplace else.
That someplace else was supposed to be a jerk off booth that Ellis had previously visited (because Ellis is showing KAtie HIS New York) where at the end of the little window show the performer lady had pushed a button and slid the glass down and the lady had told Ellis to grab her titty and man, you can’t catch nothing from touching a titty so Ellis had thought that was pretty sweet. They didn’t wind up at the jerk off booth place because they got a little bit lost and I’m sure that cunt Siri was absolutely no help, and they wound up at a place that was supposedly a gay club that sold dildoes and things, but also had their own little jerk off booth place up a couple flights of stairs. So Katie and Ellis head up the stairs and find a little line of booths and Ellis slides in with a frisky dark skinned lady and had himself a really good time. But Katie…well…her time was not so great. She was all excited about getting to watch a pretty lady do her behind the glass business and she got stuck with a big lady who asked her where she was from (which is the line that Tully would use if he were one of those performers) showed Katie her pussy hair, lazily juggled her boobs in Katie’s direction, and mushed her big fat bottom up against the glass right where there was a cumshot smear that made Katie all paranoid about DickMittens. So…not the funnest time for Katie. There was no excitement there. There was excitement from Tully about DickMittens, which Katie defined for him as what hands are when a guy touches his dick and then doesn’t wash his hands. Tully then informs her then that there aren’t a whole lot of things in the world that aren’t DickMittened, and I’m sure after the show Katie bought stock in Purell.
Ellis then brought up a story about how a crazy lady got stuck in her ex’s chimney because she was trying to break into his house because she is a crazy ex…and I just found out that the lady died in the chimney and I feel a little bad about calling her crazy twice in the same sentence. But…ex’s man…bitches be crazy, right? Ellis wants some people to call in with some great crazy ex stories because he watched people on the news in New York do it and it was all standard crazy ex stories and he feels pretty confident that us insane fuckers who listen to his show have some much better ones up our sleeves. While waiting for the calls we find out that Katie has had a crazy ex who had all of the locks changed out at her house while she wasn’t home so she was locked out of her own house…but mostly her exes are of the standard just keep calling/texting variety. The first few phone calls kept getting disconnected, but once the balls starts rolling, it rolls with the crazy. I think there was a bit of a tie between which was the best/worst story and one is where caller Steve’s ex showed up drunk to his house in the middle of the night, screaming because she was stuck in the doggie door and he had to saw the door apart to get her out, caller Jamie who’s ex broke into his house and fucked a guy in his bed that she convinced was her bed and when Jamie showed up with a new girl to have sex with he got attacked by a guy with a raging boner, and a caller’s boss’s ex who shot his horse. Yeah…show his fucking horse. I thought the dog door one was the funniest, and that the guy who got attacked by a fully naked dude with a mid pump raging boner deserves a prize for dealing with that.
Back from the seconds break and…did you know that Adam Snyder is still in the studio? Yup, he is. He’s in studio for all 4 hours today, like a motherfucking champ. Boom. Which he is a champ literally anyway because hello Superbowl. I’m bad a football stuff. Give me points for trying, alright? Throughout the show it is alluded to multiple times that Tully thinks he is potentially faster than Adam Snyder and that he thinks he could beat him in a foot race. Why? Because Adam in a lineman and he’s a big guy and yeah, they always say that big guys in the NFL are surprisingly fast, but we all Know that Tully is the kind of guy who doesn’t believe it until he sees it. And well, the time has come for the foot race to commence because Neil Diamond has left the building. The set up for the race is that Ellis is going to commentate, Katie and Cullen are in the hall keeping other traffic from coming in and getting killed buy a giant Giant football player, and Adam and Tully are racing from the edge of the fishbowl to the beginning of the hallway. And, hey, yours truly has fucking been at SiriusXM in the City and i can tell you that that is not a lot of space in which to race. The first go around Adam beats Tully easily, but Tully wants an immediate rematch and after re-tying his shoes, he is swiftly beat by Adam Snyder once again. And he hangs on to that shit. He also hangs on to the fact (in his mind) that it wasn’t enough distance and that on a field Tully still had the potential to be faster than a professional athlete. Adam is a good sport about the whole thing (a much better sport than Tully) and says that, yeah, on a field with a longer distance, it could be a different story. But, no one really thinks that except for Tully. Adam and Ellis then go on to have an arm wrestling contest, which Ellis wins, but then again, Adam went into it saying that he was going to get destroyed.
Back from the final break with your host, Jason Ellis, the strongest man in the world, is feeling pretty good about things. Tully brings up a list of the most literally powerful people in Hollywood which include Wesley Snipes, Naomi Watts, Kobe Bryant, Ryan Phillipe, Mel Gibson, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Ashton Kutcher, Christian Bale, Robert Downy Jr, and Jennifer Aniston….and I personally am totally behind Buffy the Vampire Slayer being kick ass in real life because, hello, she kills fucking vampires. And don’t even bother telling me that that is just a TV show, because BTVS fucking saved my life when I was a teenager, kind of theoreticaliterally. They poke fun at the various people on the list who are apparently Black Belts in BJJ and other martial arts. They spend the rest of the show kind of talking about a mishmosh of stuff and at one point Adam Snyder is trying to explain the intricacies of football to Ellis…but I got seriously distracted because Tully mentioned Rene Zellweger and her new face thanks to plastic surgery and I googled the pictures and it blew my mind and freaked me out hardcore, because it looks like she got a fucking face transplant and I can’t deal with that. I’ve read way too much sci fi and she looks like a pod person is in her place and that pod person only had a vague idea of what she actually looked like. Seriously. Google it. Feel your mind explode.
HORSEFORCE SATURDAY!!!! SO EFFING EXCITED!!!!!