In case you didn’t know, we’re a mere 31 days away from EllisMania X. THIRTY-ONE MOTHERFUCKING DAYS. Prepare thine buttholes, because I’m coming in hot and without any lube. Seriously. I’m gonna fist your holes with reckless abandon upon arrival in Vegas. Speaking of general debauchery, Ellis went to Sam Tripoli’s “Naughty Show” last night and hung out in the back, sticking to the shadows like that creepy guy at the strip club who’s trying to beat off without getting caught. For those that don’t know about the “Naughty Show”, it’s half stand-up comedy, half strip show featuring stand-up comedians such as Ari Shaffir, Jim Jefferies, Joe Rogan, and of course, Sam Tripoli. Ellis came away from the show concluding that his show isn’t really all that offensive compared to what he saw and heard last night. Tully has been dealing with the fact that his son, the legendary Linsanity, has entered that dreaded phase that all children go through where they decide to do the complete opposite of what you ask thus making it nearly impossible to leave the house on time or at all for that matter. Ellis and Tully went on to discuss how it almost feels like child abuse when you have to force your kid into the car, but those little shits only respond to one thing: Fear. The idea is not to make your children fear you, but to make them think, if even for just a second, that maybe they SHOULD fear you. Or you could just not have kids. There’s also that. We have enough morons on this planet as is and the last thing we need is for all of you shitstains to procreate. While we’re on the subject of kids, Ellis is starting to realize that Devin is really starting to become a mini-adult. She’s reached that age where they start being a smartass and you contemplate leaving them on the side of the road. Will thinks that there needs to be a bunch of little league sports teams sponsored by the Wolfknives, but Ellis thought that knives were too risky to be associated with kids so he settled on CubSporks instead. Look for ol’ Patches Pendarvis to be rockin’ a CubSporks patch soon.
At CubSporks practice, we show no mercy.
After the break, Ari Shaffir joined the guys in the studio and jumped immediately into a conversation about Chlamydia. According to Ari, Chlamydia isn’t ll that bad. Sure, if a burning sensation and puss is your idea of a walk in the park. The guys talked about how humor is more important than money, Sam Tripoli’s superior fighting ability that he will display at EM10, and Ari’s stance that women over the age of 35 are cringe-worthingly unattractive, especially Carmen Electra, who is top dog on his shit list. Ari’s a pretty funny dude and I highly recommend you go to the On Demand channel and listen to his interview. And if you want to hear more of him, you can catch is podcast that he does weekly along with his appearances at the Naughty Show and his tours with Joe Rogan.
Dusty, middle-aged vaginas need not apply.
We were supposed to return from the break with Marilyn Manson in studio, but instead we got this guy…
I…I got nothing….
After the final break, Will joined the guys for a bit of news. A man in the UK was arrested for selling fake bottles of whiskey that turned out to be nothing but water mixed with shit and piss. Also known as Tennessee Party Liquor. NASCAR driver Kurt Busch thinks his girlfriend is a secret assassin and claims that she showed up one night wearing a cocktail dress covered in blood from a hit she carried out. I’d make a joke about NASCAR drivers and fans right now, but they’d be too stupid to get it. A Virginia lawmaker serving time for having a relationship with his 17 year old receptionist was recently re-elected to office. Not really sure why that’s news considering everyone in Virginia is fucking their cousin anyway. Americans can essentially travel to Cuba as much as they please now with the US gov’t lifting their restrictions regarding travel to and from Castro’s personal cigar humidor. The Marlboro Man, you know the guy with the cowboy hat and Canadian tuxedo who made you feel like a little bitch not worthy of calling yourself a man, died recently at the no doubt smoke stained and shriveled old age of 85. Suck on that, doctors who say smoking leads to an early death! The Oscar nominations were announced and no one gives a shit. Everyone can agree that musicals suck, especially those about whiny little Disney princesses who can’t handle living in a fucking castle and coming from a royal family. Final calls wrapped things up and the show came to a close. Alright, that does it for me and today’s re-cap. Time for me to go make some kids cry. Later, bitches!