Happy Wolfknives Wednesday! I’m here to turd in your brain with words. Larry King will not be on the show today, but he was supposed to, so there’s that. Larry King and his 40th wife have a podcast together, which means that literally everyone now has a podcast. Larry King can’t go to the beach, he’ll get the Devil’s Itch. Sammy Sosa doesn’t go to the beach, he’ll get tan – like really, really tan. Somehow, this all spiraled off into urban legends and serial killers – I don’t know how the dots connected, but somehow that’s what happened. Discussion raged on about serial killers and serial killing, serial killers of today versus serial killers of serial killing past, and the future of serial killers doing their serial killing. This naturally progressed into a conversation about people driving like dicks and roll cages in cars with 5 point harnesses, which in turn lead the conversation to Fast & Furious 7, which lead to Adam Sandler and comedy movies. BOOM! The circle of life has been completed.
Will is a sharp dressed man today, he shampoo’d and rinsed and repeated. Plus he says he “fell asleep at 8 last night” which is clearly his attempt an alibi. Next week while the show is on vacation, they’ll be playing some old bits that Ellis asked to never be played again. So that’s awesome! Now its time for some new music that has been hand selected from the Faction vault to see if any of it doesn’t suck. Very first song was so great it inspired Ellis to sing in his most angelic American voice. The song sucked, but Ellis’ imitation was great. You know how this bit goes. Most of it sucks, there might a few that aren’t terrible and may actually see the light of day at some point. But they’ll only be played a few times before they’re put back in the vault and replaced with shitty Offspring songs. Tom and Simone are in studio. Who the hell are they, you ask? Those are Ellis’ house guests from Australia – Tom was Ellis’ little brother’s (Stevie) best friend. Simone doesn’t know what rock, paper, scissors is, but she knows what paper, scissors, rock is. Tom’s already drinking, he’s had a rough day of trusting a GPS and returning a rental car late. Tom’s relaying stories that Ellis had never knew of before, about how dangerous Stevie’s and his friends’ behavior was towards the end. Apparently Stevie was pretty tormented towards the end of his life and wasn’t really the same person he used to be. Back home in Australia, Tom sells corn – he’s the corn boss. He’s the Abe Froman of corn. Apparently nobody in Australia knows how to pronounce “baja” because they make damn sure to enunciate the J in baja. Tom also has straight pubes like an Asian man’s beard, and that’s all thanks to his mother.
Richie Sambora is refuting claims that he went all Mel Gibson on his former girlfriend, threatening to put her in a hole in the rose garden and shit. Everyone in the studio is going to play a game. They’re going to impersonate random celebrities who support some sort of ridiculously unpopular cause. Cumtard was up first as Mel Gibson promoting the idea that Australia needs to raise taxes for more money so they can go to war. Ellis was up next as Hugh Jackman supporting that Canadians should pay a fee to enter the United States. Next was Andrew as Adam Sandler supporting the wearing fur and more people need to wear fur. Tully was up next as Elton John who is supporting the legalization of heroin. They did another round, it was pretty funny, but I’m going to spare you just the celebrity and cause they supported. Cumtard seemed to be the most hilarious in all of the impressions.
Will came in to read some news, first up was the news being plastered all over today about the cop that straight up murdered a dude by shooting him 8 times in the back as he ran away. That should go over pretty well across communities around the United States. Will clearly thinks the cop is a motherfucker. More news about vindictive bitches killing pets, famous dude’s with alcoholism, hazing, etc. Yay! Andrew gets to bro down over the frat hazing thing, telling stories of his days of being hazed, he absolutely loves it. Tom can’t believe this shit really happens, he thought it was just dumb shit in the movies. Andrew has to spin the Wheel of Doom from yesterday and he gets a nice frat haze style punishment, the wax salt slap. Tom was asked how good of a shot he is, his response was the most Australian response you could hope for, “Well, I’m drunk – but I’ll give it a go!” The wax strips didn’t work, so packing tape was used in it’s place. That didn’t ruin the bit at all, in quick succession the tape was ripped off his nipple, he got shot with the salt gun, and slapped with a whip thing – all in seemingly under a tenth of a second. His nipple immediately looked like it got shot by a paintball gun and everyone was looking at Tom like he was Satan himself. And there you have it folks, another day in the life of a radio show.