Well howdy stranger! I haven’t seen you in quite some time – how are things? Don’t answer that, neither of us have time for that shit. Let me whip out my magic stick and swing my recapping meat in your face. The show started off with talk about Paul Blart: Mall Cop and Ellis doing the show while also filming his parts in the off hours. Ellis and Tully reminisced about doing a show in the middle of the night, both of them on different coasts and using their phones to do the show. Ellis had a dream, not like an MLK dream or anything, but it was about him being with this girl with youthful metal tits with steel nipples and rivets holding the big knockers in place. Ellis also found the original voice altermication machine that was originally bought at Target or something and was used as the voice of Penelope Cruz’s robot vagina. People love free shit, even shitty t-shirts from a t-shirt cannon. There’s a taco cannon now too, the link is buried in my Twitter timeline if you wanna go dig for it – I don’t. A fan sent in a thank you email to show about one of yesterday’s topics – domestic violence. Tully had a nice heart warming story about this albino lady he kind of knew, whose husband beat her to death. Then he topped that off with a nice story of almost hitting his child. hahaa Will came in to the studio, but I missed that part because a woman came into my office and I had to listen to her and concentrate on not hitting her. Just kidding. But one did come into my office. But I had no urge to hit her. Anyway, I’m kind of hoping Will tried to top one of Tully’s abuse stories. Ellis slapped his grandma once, Tully accidentally slapped his mom once. I accidentally slapped your mom once. Andrew came in to hit on Tully with his sultry voice, which was weird. The Dr. Drew show called Ellis and said they’re changing their show to a live studio audience show and that Ellis will be a part of that. Tully’s got some new Jockey undies and it looks really weird when his dick is out of them, but his balls are still covered. He won’t be Instagramming that. Will is rocking some undies from My Package or whatever, nobody really wants to talk about it, but it’s like a train wreck, you just can’t help but to know more.
Rousey. Sirius XM. Town Hall. Book. Ellis. Got it? Good. Scott Weiland is back in the news for butchering the song Vasoline, acting strange, & not being able to put on a jacket, but it’s cool, he swears drugs weren’t the reason for it. Ellis is still telling bedtime stories to his kids where everyone dies at the end, it’s a big hit. Lil’ Tully Jr is becoming friends with his monsters now that Mama Tully is drawing pictures of them. Cumtard got his hair cut, but Ellis thinks he needs another one. He says he got swindled by a gypsie who kept complimenting his aura and gave him a crumpled up piece of paper. Basically, he got gypsied out of $21 for a magic bracelet and swears he didn’t smell like curry or incense. Ellis thinks he might have saw the Mat Hoffman bike he got robbed of at gun point near the old Swinghouse studio. The Kentucky Derby is coming up soon, so Cumtard is in studio to read the names of the horses, because let’s face it – horse names, am I right? By federal mandate, I have to link to the horse race where the announcer has fun saying this horses name. To make it a little funny, they took the horse names and made sexual maneuvers out of them. By the way, who picked to play Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers – Mary Jane’s Last Dance during the break?
Ellis. Rousey. Sirius XM. Book. May. 12. 11. Town Hall. Titties. BAM! Will is in the studio to give us a taste of some new music, some of which he wants on the channel, and some of which he wants burned immediately. First song was from Surfer Blood, called I Can’t Explain. HOOOOLLLLYYYY SHEEEEIT! I can’t explain how that’s even a thought, fucking terrible piece of shit song. And no, I’m not overreacting. Next song was from Refused, with I think Elektra? Ellis liked it. He also likes Colbie Caillat? Never heard of her. Next was Young Fathers with White Men Are Black Me Too, Ellis doesn’t like white people so he’s opposed to it, and Will is more worried about the skin color of the band members. Tully thinks they suck too. So that Colbie Caillat song Ellis likes so much is called Bubbly. It’s fucking terrible. Next up is Tech N9ne featuring Corey Taylor with Wither. Not gonna lie, I felt stupid just typing “N9ne”, so I don’t know how much that sways my decision, but I thought it sucked asshole hair. Suddenly Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers sounds like heaven. Next was Wichita with Mrs. Magoo, it’s a band put together by Tim Armstrong, Ellis is okay with it, Will doesn’t think it belongs on Faction, but who the hell does he think he is, the CEO of Faction or something? HEYOH! Next was Yelawolf featuring Eminem with Best Friend? I think? Not for me, and it’s time for me to leave work which means this is probably where I’ll switch to a new topic.
The guys looked at the some of the fights that have broken out in sports over the past week or so. NBA, MLB, and NHL all had some fights to offer, none super spectacular – so people started chiming in with suggestions on what fights to watch. Instead of looking them up on the fly, they request that send links to SubmitToEllis@gmail.com and they’ll go through and pick out some to watch on the show. Ellis needs bananas and Andrew can’t do shit about it, matter of fact, he’s all concerned about the phones because they just crashed. Again. Elle Macpherson is constantly testing her own piss just to make sure she’s running in tip top shape, no vagina knocks and such. Ellis has a twitchy muscle, Tully likes being twitchy, and Twitch has tourettes. Tully thinks less of people who watch sports drafts and I couldn’t agree more because I get my dick sucked on. And that’s the end of the show, the end of the recap, but it’s only the beginning of your mother’s dog fucking career. OH! EW! WAT? YEAH! LIL JON IN DA HOUSE!