Top of the afternoon to you! It’s Monday, there’s a live show, the white boy is back, and therefore there’s a fresh re-cap for your ass. Ellis feels pretty glorious, he’s facing massive decisions, but everything is going to be okay. It could be worse. Verne Troyer is most likely going to die – unlike M&M’s. They’ll live forever. Jesus isn’t real, but you keep trying to guilt trip yourself into believing he exists. Metallica is real though. Wilson purchased a budget puppet for Ellis to use while he’s revealing things he maybe shouldn’t – it’s a Devil puppet. First confession from Devil puppet? Ellis is trying to have sex with Katie but she’s on her period and he’s not into it, there’s blood, there’s mood swings, all that shit man. Devil puppet just wants to fuck, but he’s not down with the blood vagoo of Ragu – maybe he needs to go to vampire school or just sack up, or just jerk off until Katie stops leaking blood all over the place. Tully wants to know, from a woman, if they know for sure when during their period they will feel weaker, moodier, not quite as fresh, monster-like, unclean, a fucking anomaly, etc. Turns out some female caller says women have more testosterone while on their periods, which means everyone in the UFC is on their period. The Ellis gang went to ride coasters for the Snookies birthday party, Tiger took one for the team and rode some gnarly rides for a kid his age. Ellis was trying to record some stuff on his GoPro and phone, ended up dropping his phone on a ride and it was just out of reach, so he and Snook just watched the phone float and dance around, just waiting for it fly off into the nether. Tully, his wife, his son, their friends, and their kids went out for some
dim sum roach infested balls of shit. Everyone really enjoyed it and none of them gave a mother fucker about roaches in their food. Party on. Ellis says he going to start reading more, to which Tully chuckled and sarcastically quipped, “are ya?” Of course he’s not. But he will lift some weights. Ellis wants to be a cartoon banana, because fuck you, that’s why.
The UFC was this weekend, both Pettis’ got beat up & Ovaries kneed Big Country in the testicles. That’s all anyone really knows, Ellis didn’t get to see much of the fights, Tully watched only the main card, and I didn’t watch a god damned second of it. So better fire up Google and go hunt down the stats on that if that’s what you’re looking for. But more importantly, Ellis won his UFC bet and the Wheel of Doom has been updated with new punishments. Cumtard drove Wilson most of the way home and got invited to dinner by the murderer himself. This pissed Andrew off so bad that he’s been mean to everyone in the green room since. Will & Cumtard went for a lovely steak dinner last week and Andrew just can’t let it go. He farted on Cumtard today, his forked tongue is ready to strike at any comment made by Will or Cumtard, it’s a sad state of affairs in the green room land. Anyway, Will got to pay up his side of the bet, Ellis kicked Will right in the dead leg spot and now Will is definitely going to need Cumtard to give him a ride home. Even though Andrew won his bet, he’ll still be going to a haunted house with Ellis (and I assume Cumtard and Will aren’t invited just out of spite.) Cumtard has spin the wheel for his punishment and it landed on his favorite, butt signature – where he sticks a pen up his ass and signs his name. Also, Cumtard is pregnant. Speaking off assholes, a plane leaving from Shitvilleshire enroute to Richshitsville had to turn around and land back in Shitvilleshire because of human liquid shit and the odor it created was unbearable. That’s right ladies and gentlemen. There’s a man in this world who shit and it smelled so god damn bad, a plane full of passenger’s had to abort their flight because of the stench. Red Dragons!
It’s Cock News time! Some medical journal in New England or something or another posted a picture of a fractured dick. The man went to bone his bitch, missed the hole and hit her taint, fracturing his penis. Blood literally was squirting out of his penis – when he peed. Also, the man has some grey pubes, that’s the mark of the devil, or that your life is all down hill from there on out. A lot of men are okay with the hair on their head going grey, but what about grey pubes? That’s no where near as cool, it can’t be. Tully wants to know when he’s going to get grey pubes. The phones immediately started lighting up with dudes who have grey pubes. The Steve Martin of cocks (aka John) called in to say he’s 28-years-old and has grey pubes! That’s just fucking mean, man! Mike is 36-years-old and he too has grey pubes! He started getting grey hairs on his head at the age of 16, that’s gotta look unhealthy as fuck, right? There really is no God and these two men are proof. All these callers with grey pubes are inspiring Tully and Ellis to really get out there and live, to start taking more dick pics and shooting more home pornography. Back to Cock News, doctors in South Africa have claimed to have successfully completed the world’s first cock transplant. Now that’s incredible. All this talk of cocks and here comes the cock of the walk with a super special, blow your cock out of your own asshole, extravaganza of a segment – Tard That Tune! There’s absolutely no way to communicate how this went down, hopefully you’ve heard it before because it may never be back again – even though it’s the greatest segment in the history of the show and all shows for that matter. After that epic segment, it was time to hear one of Ellis’ first on-air checks from 2006 that played during a best-of last week. You can really hear how youthful and full of
booze and cocaine piss and vinegar Ellis was at the time. His Australian accent was in full swing even though he had been here for like 10 years at that point. A lot of listeners found it funny and of course Mate found it torturous. Bonus fact, Ellis mentioned Jetta’s favorite band, Thrice during the piece. Things were a little awkward with the ex-in-laws at Tiger’s race this weekend, Ellis could tell his ex-father-in-law was uncomfortable around him, which made him feel weird. Also, Ellis is realizing that whether it be in moto, cars, fucking canoes, whatever, racing is full of cheaters. People trying to sneak this or that past the judges and/or officials so they can hold a stupid trophy and claim they are the best cheater of the day.
Hey, 3 third graders got busted trying to smoke that pot marijuana at school. That’s fucking tough as nails, right? I mean stupid, right? Apparently at least one of the parents smokes weed because I don’t see how else they would get a hold of anything, even that Mexican ditch weed. There were like 2 or 3 other news items I was going to mention here, but I’ve already forgotten what they were. And that in no way is indicative of how entertaining or import they were, seriously. They were good. Some Swedish teacher wants porn in the classroom, which is fucking hot, especially when your mother is the teacher. Mayweather and Pacquiao were in the news about boxing or not boxing, who gives a shit. Wilson cannot pronounce Dolce & Gabbana to save his life. OH! I just remembered one of the previous news stories I forgot. Robert Durst, the dude featured in that HBO “The Jinx” documentary went to go take a shit and the mic was still recording. During his crazy shitting moment, he muttered shit about “killed them all” and some other types of seemingly confessional stuff. I’m not sure I’ve ever met anyone who actively has audible conversations with themselves while they’re taking a crap. But he is kind of known to be eccentric. Eccentric out the ass, really. Back on the subject of Will and being ashamed of where he lives, Tully asked where exactly he
murders fucks if he’s so embarrassed that he won’t even let his close friends see where he lives. Does he just Rambone these chicks in the alley? Does he take them to a public restroom and slide it in there? What about a private room at Benihana’s? Nobody knows and it seems likely no one ever will. If anyone does know, I’m sure they’re long dead by now. And there you go. Your Monday recap all dressed for success and ready to party. Enjoy it. Live it. Love it. Fuck it.