“Hold up! ERRRRRRR! UHH… ARR… ARR! WHAT? C’mon!” ~DMX
Who starts a recap with some DMX speak? This guy! Look, I don’t give it shit if it makes sense or not. You’re missing the point here. It’s DMX, man! Anyway, let’s see what the show has in store for us today and if I hear 1 word in particular, y’all gonna make me lose my mind up in hurr, up in hurr. See what I did there? So what’s the one word I was talking about? “Grammys” If I hear that fuckin word and you’re not talking about your grandmother, I’ll… I don’t know what I’ll do. But you will ALL pay for it, I can promise you that much! Ellis is growing out his mustache again and he’s doing things so his facial hair doesn’t stab Katie’s pussy to death. Tully isn’t going to be shaving every damn day, so he’s wondering how pussy friendly his facial hair is, it’s a little pokey but his vagina is worth it. He changed his name in his wife’s phone this weekend to “Stud Muffin” because she still had him in there like he was a business contact or some shit. Tully and his kid were doing some extreme sporting this weekend, sand boarding in that sweet sand pow on Venice Beach. Ellis will be racing this weekend, then fighting next weekend, he did some tattooing on himself this past weekend, and he’s cutting back on the brain pills. Dingo went to some crazy tent tripping shit in Montana. He was not in Germany, but he was in a high speaking to students. He also was somewhere where hookers came out carrying platter fulls of cocaine, but he split because he’s kinda not into that shit anymore. Katie’s pants are coming off so she can show off her crown tattoo on her pussy. And there it was, Tully just said THE “G” word! And now so did Ellis! A double whammy. I warned you guys! Now suffer the consequences.
Dingo hadn’t heard about Will’s birthday lap dance from Dillion on Friday, but he does now because Tully showed him a few photos he sneakily took during that magical moment. Everyone is getting pumped for the Will versus Cumtard fight, it should be a good one, maybe even fight of the night if it lives up to the hype. Ellis got into a bit of a kerfuffle (you like word?) at moto this weekend. He was trying to get out of the event, he beeped his horn at someone to get them to move forward a bit so he could back out or something. They didn’t like that he beeped his horn, so some little kid flipped him off, Ellis just smiled. It sounded like typical dumb fuck shit that assholes do. They claimed Ellis hit their car, they were trying to take pictures and shit. The guy asks these other dudes if they say it, and they said yes, they saw the whole thing and said Ellis didn’t touch his shitty bitch car. So there ya go, one of the many reasons it’s super easy to hate people in general. Ellis got recognized by a lot of people at moto. Will Pendarvis got recognized by a fan at the mall and he met the girl fan’s parents and then fucked them all. Dingo got recognized by fans of the show too, lots of recognition going on out there in the world.
Straight out of a bad movie comes one of the best news stories I’ve read recently. Two women, dressed in skimpy, “sexy” police officer costumes, allegedly showed up at a prison, talked guards into letting them inside and seduced them, spiking their drinks, resulting in 26 prisoners escaping. That’s pretty fucking awesome, right? Not to worry, so far 11 of the escapees have been caught, only 15 more to go! I swear I’ve seen this exact same plot on a late night Cinemax movie, or maybe that’s just wishful thinking. If that doesn’t already exist, somebody needs to get on that immediately. Could you eat Doritos under water? Ellis thinks he could eat at least 1. The guys need to submit a rider (food, drinks, whatever) for all the shit they want backstage, on stage, etc. Do they want soggy Doritos? Probably not. They also need to work out the order of fights, which was a great segue into Hugh Jackman and Real Steel. After the quick detour, they got back to figuring out the order of the fights, basically they’re trying to make it mystery fight, then banger fight, and keep that alternating and hopefully more entertaining. What? You thought I was going to list out the order fights? HAHHAHAAYEAHRIGHT!
Trey Canard has called into the show, he was recently victorious in San Diego in front of a sold out crowd and is currently 3rd in the points race. Like most moto riders, he’s broke a lot of bones, femurs, his back, may a tib fib here and there and probably some more shit on top of those. He credits his wife with keeping him riding because he wanted to quit and she was all like, “Dah fuck you say!” He’s a holy man so you’re not going to hear about him telling someone to fuck off or suck his white dick or anything like that. He’s sponsored by Muscle Milk, so if you’re into muscles and milk, that’s gotta get you all milky, right? He’s also sponsored by DC Shoes, so if you’re into shoes, that’s gotta put some pep into your step, right? It’s time for a game, a game we all know, but with a twist. This is Dingo Jeopardy. It’s exactly like Ellis Jeopardy, but with Dingo as the clue giver. “It’s like peeing” was Dingo’s first clue, nobody guessed the answer which was “Cheez Whiz”. The room agrees his first clue sucked, but hey, its his first time playing this role so we’ll give him a pass. After his shaky start, he started doing much better on the next 2 or 3 and then shit the bed again. HOLD THE GAME! Adrian Grenier is calling into the show. If you remember, Ellis met him for 2 seconds at Dingo’s party and really liked him. They talked about the loneliest whale in the world that Adrian is potentially harassing. Maybe the whale isn’t lonely, maybe the whale just hates everybody and everything else. He was a gentleman on the phone and sounded like the smartest of Dingo’s friends, so it went well. Back to the game and Katie made a joke that Will would be thrown out of the studio for, thereby proving hot chicks can get away with more shit than your average murderer / fuck lord. Oddly enough, she’s also in the lead with 0 points. Final Jeopardy brought a man back from the points graveyard to claim victory, and this might surprise you. Drum roll please… And the winner is… Michael Leonard Tully!
And there’s that awful word again. Grammys. Tully said it, Ellis said it, Will said it (AND was there!), Dingo said it, and Katie probably said it too! It was said more than 1 time by several people so I demand justice, it must be swift, it must be exacting, and it must be harsh. Before that happens, I’ll give you a quick run-down. Will was there, he’s too old to know any of the people there other than Lemmy, ELO, AC/DC, and Madame Paul McCartney. He saw that one Middle Eastern chick who isn’t Middle Eastern at all, Ariana Grande and “that other girl”. He said Katy Perry sucked, Andrew the Vagiant was pissed and defended her – he’s been to 3 Katy Perry concerts and 6 Tim McGraw concerts and we learned he is also afraid of bands that sound angry, screaming, and wigs. They listened to a few people who want to sing at Tiger Box. It’s foggy in LA so of course the show’s Internet and electricity are on the fritz. Now. Time for your punishment.
And there you have it. The show, in all it’s glory. Well, most of it anyway. Stay frosty!