What? Y’all motherfuckers forgot about Dre, didn’t you? I KNEW IT! So it’s #WolfknivesWednesday and shit, and welcome to the fiercely intense Jason Ellis Show. He’s like a knife cutting into your ears, metaphorically, but still – watch your ass. Have you noticed most Korean men are not that good looking? Can you punch someone in the face through the phone? You’d be a lot cooler if you could. Andrew says the UFC is going outside the organization to get CM Punk a fight. That’s fucking lame. I wouldn’t be surprised if by the end of 2015, the UFC has driven themselves into the ground and become purely a bullshit spin-off of WWE. Tully thinks this is the UFC’s way of cornering the fight market, by accomodating CM Punk to get him a fight, they stop Bellator from getting the next potential Brock Lesnar should the UFC turn down CM Punk. I guess I can see that angle, it certainly does make more sense than just how stunned the crowd will be to see CM Punk fight MMA. I guess time will tell. People were asking Ellis why today’s AM replay was a “best of” instead of yesterday’s show, it’s because New York shut down for a life changing blizzard that never happened. However, Backbone to the rescue, he now has yesterday’s replay up on OnDemand. So there ya go. Tully’s still dropping “fucks” in front of his son sometimes. Not all the time or anything, but sometimes. Whatever. New parents always try to do everything exactly right, and there’s nothing wrong with that. But you’ll most likely look back on how much pressure you put on yourself and laugh at how unimportant some things really are. Australia, dad, brother, therapy, meditation, etc. When did slant eyes start liking and accepting round eyes? Old people still harbor racist stuff because the past was a motherfucker. Sounds like Sal Masekela is pulling out of EllisMania, but his mom might be in somehow?
Tully spilled his home-made Red Bull and it smells like vomit. You could drop Dingo in any situation, anywhere in the world, and he just looks like he belongs there. World’s Greatest Wednesday time, and this one is “World’s greatest person you could jerk off in front of.” Mike Patton is on his jerk off game, he’s allegedly well known for jerking off in front of females and then telling them to get out, or he jets, either way – he finishes and it’s Audi 5000. Cumtard did his enema between the break and recorded it, he had some nuggets in there, we all heard them. WGW nominees are:
When I’m trying to type out nominees in real-time & Tully is burning through the list like he’s about to be burned alive.
- Sarah Palin
- Ronda Rousey
- Katy Perry & her mother
- Body Count
- Cher
- Jodie Foster
- Taylor Swift
- The Queen of England
- Eddie Murphy
- Jennifer Aniston
- Madonna
- Entire cast of The Expendables
- LA Rocks
- Sasquatch
- Bill Cosby
- TV Weather Girls
- I am the captain now guy
- Nick, Brooke, & Paul Hogan
Cock News time. Four different male models at some Rick Owens fashion show… I don’t know. This is where the awesome SXM app decided to take a shit on me. Whatever it was, I bet it was super funny and I’ll never get to hear it again. Katie is in studio, she has sex with Ellis for free. If she was to diddle in front of someone, it’d be Arnold Schwarzenegger. If she had a dick, it’d be Nancy Grace. Cumtard & Kosovo Joe are wearing skirts, like super short, you gotta shave to wear that, type skirts. It’s really accentuating Cumtard’s ass. Why? Because it’s anal bead tow off time and they have to lube up their own beads with their spit. Both contestants are not liking it, but Kosovo Joe gives this experience a 1 in comparison to being in a god damned, fucking war. Katie is assisting kinda, she’s used to like 10 inch things in her butt so she’s the pro here – she’s a ride or die bitch for sure. Cumtard already has shit juice on his fingers and is requesting some hand sanitizer. Kosovo Joe, the war hero has successfully inserted all beads, Cumtard, however, is having… issues. First event, the contestants drag Supercross the Dragon, on a skateboard, tied to the anal beads that are currently taking residence in their assholes. Mission accomplished. Now to move up a class and replace the lizard with a 15 pound kettle bell from Onnit.com. Freedom reigns as both completed their mission. Now it’s a 60 pound kettle bell. Kosovo Joe had a full pull and made it seem easy. Cumtard did not, they came flying out of his ass and bounced off the wall! Now it’s time for a tug of war, the contestants are bungied together. Cumtard lost immediately and the cord snapped back and hit Kosovo Joe, making him the winner and loser all at once. Once again, freedom wins the day!
Pet Sematary is fucking real!
Do zombies freak you out? Are you into zombies? Everybody is into zombies these days, right? Bart the cat, from Tampa, Florida, is a zombie cat. He got hit by a car, his mangled body was laying in a pool of his own blood. The owner and a helpful neighbor buried the cat in the backyard. Five days later, here comes Bart! He clawed his way out of his grave and out of death’s grasp, only to come back and act like a real indifferent asshole to humans! Amazing. Tully has gotten some more fan submissions for people who want to sing in Tigerbox at Ellismania X. Some chick sang Barracuda by Heart and did such a good job, she immediately got accepted. So who is in Tigerbox? Ellis, Tully, Blasko, Jim Blowers (from the band Pulley), and 2 dudes from Kyuss whose names I did not get. Drunk MMA Sasquatch will be at Ellismania X, it is confirmed. And now, the final results for World’s Greatest Wednesday (in order):
- Sasquatch
- The Queen of England
- Bill Cosby (with the justice load)
- LA Rocks
- Sarah Palin
- Jennifer Aniston
- TV weather girls
- Katy Perry and her mother
- Taylor Swift
- Nick, Brooke, & Paul Hogan
Tully’s kid has already had a new rule created at daycare because of his wild, frolicking ways. There’s no more kissing your friends at daycare after Tully Jr kissed his pal Will or whatever. Oddly enough, Tully talked about how his kid can dance and loves it. He mentioned Tully Jr may like electronic dance music in the future, and that might cause a problem. Is this a foresight into the future or just part of growing up? Time and an unidentifiable lisp will tell. Also, kids with loving parents tend to be affectionate and kissy and that’s a good thing. Liking electronic dance music while you fuck your boyfriend in the ass is a whole new ball of wax and something I don’t think 3-year-old toddlers tend to contemplate much. Now it’s time for final calls. Who cares. Hail Satan!
Our co-pilot.