It’s Tuesday so shutttttttt uppppppp….cause, you know, that’s how you talk to the ladies when things are getting all hot and sweaty, and you know it’s gotta be true because Ellis said and i am repeating it (and in case you forgot, I am thoroughly female with the nudes to prove it). Moving right along those sexy lines, Ellis has a sweet exploded hemorrhoid flap on his butt and damn, who doesn’t want to lick that and taste his sweet sweet tart ass? Ugh…writing that sentence was kind if terrible and I think I should apologize for you having read it. I’m sorry. That I’m not sorry. Because I have the power and you wanted to know what went on in the show and this is what happened!! It’s not my fault that Ellis is super honest and would like to share his asshole pain and triumphs with all of the lovely listeners!! And he shares the pain, oh, does he share the pain…what’s the pain? The pain is that if his extra flap of deflated hemorrhoid skin doesn’t heal and instead hangs around (lol) forever, then he’s gonna have to retire his ass. And that’s just sad. Don’t believe me? Well, then maybe you should have actually listened to the show and you could have also been witness to Katie’s heart breaking over the phone when she heard the news that there was a slim chance that she would never be able to play with the hole of Big Daddy Jayce Cakes ever again. Oh…and that whole sweet tarts thing? Katie says that his butt tastes like sweet tarts, not pineapples, so…sorry if that was your favorite candy of all time and it’s now ruined. But, you’re welcome if that was your fave candy of all time and you want a homo erotic relationship with Ellis.
Even though the doctor who drained his butt roid issue told him to take it easy, Ellis went to Jiu Jitsu last night and this morning and fuck anyone who tries to get Ellis away from training over his ass. I mean, yeah, the heart thing could have killed him, but boooboo butt is not a valid excuse for skipping the jits. Especially since the kids class is the class that he went to last night and apparently he is not quite as tight with Tiggie right now as he usually is. Tully says that it kind of seems like Tiger is going through a mommy phase, which is a normal thing for kids to go through, and that Little Dude is doing the same thing. Any time Tully attempts to do anything for the dude he gets told, “not you, Momma” but he’s in the relationship for the long haul so he’s not sweating it too much. Tiger also isn’t enjoying the jits as much as Devin is, because god forbid the kiddos agree on any activity ever, and that kind of bummed Ellis out, but it seemed to go over a little better when Ellis skipped his therapy sesh and practiced with Tiger. By the end of the class Tiggie was only too ready to shit whip another little kid while they sparred and made him cry three times in a row. Ellis is really proud of how good the kids are doing in Jiu Jitsu and it seems that he’s especially pumped that Devin is awesome at it. Ellis also says that he and Devin have been getting along great and we all know that it’s been a real sore spot for Ellis for a lonnnnnnngnnnnng time now and I know that it made me all happy and wooooooo inside. Tully goes on to say that it’s all normal and kids love dads who, for all intents and purposes, are shitty dads and kids don’t always like their dad even if they are the coolest most awesome person on the face of the planet in everyone else’s eyes. It’s just a thing, that thing where kids can kind of be assholes from time to time because their brains are still developing and shit.
Trying to change the subject and share something that is genuinely irritating to Tully, he mentions that he is having an issue with his hairline. Ellis is about to throw a party and pop a bottle of champagne when Tully informs him that his hairline is moving forward, and that earns him a big ‘fuck you’ from the man who made tattoo hair all the rage. Apparently Tully has found some stray, spiked growth ahead of his normal hairline and it is irritating the shit out of him. I am going to put the theory out there, right now, that maybe his hairline is receding and those hairs are just stray hairs from his old hairline that have yet to throw in the towel. Lol. That’s right, Tully, I’m signing off on the fuck you from Ellis. In other hair news, Cumtard’s hair is awful and he looks like he has the worst hair plugs of all time and oh my god thank god someone finally said it cause every time I see a pic on fb or I’m like ‘wtf is he doing with his hair?’ Because it’s so awful that I pass judgement on it. Cumtard says that his hair always sucks, but Ellis, Tully, and Will quickly jump in to say that it isn’t true and there are totally days where his hair looks fine (like last Friday) and they all turn into a bunch of girls for the next five minutes talking about how not all shampoo was created equal and he needs something with volume. Once they all realized that they were having a serious collective chick moment, Tully smoothly changed the subject by bringing out a bunch of Oki Dogs that he had gotten on the way into the studio for everyone to enjoy. Ellis doesn’t have one because he doesn’t think that they are a part of the 6 Weeks to Shred Dolce Diet, but I bet he really enjoyed smelling them. Immediately after consuming the Hot Dogs Tully decides that he’s going to play a video that Ellis took of the blood bath that happened in his ass when the doctor drained the roid that was raging down under and it was like….it was like when you go to Hooters to watch a really good fight. All the loud ‘oohs’ and groans and noise, plus the added dry heaving of Andrew the Giant who kept asking for a bucket…I’m so glad that I wasn’t there. It sounded way beyond brutal.
Back from rom the first Break Tully informs us that there are newly released Tickets for Tigerbox, aka, Ellismania 10’s launch party that will be happening on the Friday before the main event at Vinyl in Las Vegas so don’t wait!!!! Get them now!!! Especially since Mike Catherwood is gonna be there singing!!!!! He’s also in the studio and he wants to fight. They talk for a bit about which fight he could possibly be in and how a leg kick can ruin you for life, and hey, maybe he can be in the piñata fight and they can add more piñatas….and then somewpthing weird happened to my Sirius and they were suddenly talking about the Iron Sikh (which it took me a good 30 seconds to realize that they were not saying Iron Cheek) but then they got into the much beloved Fuckline segment!!!!! Today’s minisode of Fuckline was super informative and raunchy and the three of them really have fucking awesome chemistry…I was laughing the whole time. What did we learn on Fuckline? Well, some pretty fucking important shit like- if you are interested in really getting some distance when you should your load you need to work on squeezing the muscles of your pelvic floor (like when a lady is working on her kegals) and squats never hurt anyone, every woman is different when it comes to pregnant sex but a perineal massage parlayed into sex isn’t a bad strategy, if your girlfriend’s pussy reeks so bad you are gonna break up with her then you should prolly tell her cause the worst that can happen is she breaks up with you, if you have to tell your girlfriend her vagina is too loose it means that you have a tiny dick, if you are just getting out of jail the best sex to have is anal sex, sometimes female ejaculate smells like pee because there is pee in there, if you want to try more positions in the bedroom and your man doesn’t then you should tell him to give it to the way you want before you find someone else who will, your lesbian girlfriend might not suck your dick but she’ll probably eat your ass, you are in charge of your dick, and the great irony of ‘just the tip’ is that girls really like it. At the end of Fuckline Sam Tripoli stopped by because he was in the building and he told a story about how the one and only time he tried crack he almost got raped by a street performer dressed as a silver robot. Don’t do drugs, kids, you’ll get raped by cracked out robots.
Then, sigh, they did a segment where Mike Catherwood played a bunch of country music for Ellis to listen to to see if there was a kind of Country Music that Ellis could like…and I motherfucking do not like country music and started putting away laundry and all I took away from it was that Mike was a lot more in tune with Ellis’ music tastes than Andrew the Giant because the only song that Ellis didn’t like was one where a former Dixie Chick was singing and it wasn’t Ellis’ cup of tea. I could also tell that Andrew the Giant was slightly miffed that his country wasn’t the country that Ellis liked, but, well, too bad Gigantor. The rest of the show was spent talking about the upcoming Ellismania and the guys watched some fight videos to see if anyone was a contender for the fights and they assigned a few people and then final calls absolutely sucked. I mean, it was like the old days of final calls where no one knew how to turn off their radio in the background and it sounded like they hadn’t listened to the show at all. Oh, and guys, next Friday is HotDogs last day of being an intern and I am so so sad about it. I mean…I fucking love Hot Dog :( #bummedout can’t we just vote to keep him on the show? Can’t we pretend this is TJES idol? I vote off…uhh….okay, so I don’t know who I’d vote off, but I would vote to save Hot Dog!!!!!!