Everybody knows shit’s fucked! Everybody knows shit’s fucked! Song of the year right there, folks. Ellis is back to being 100% Ellis today, which is great. He’s learned that he can get all the way down to about 13% before he flat-lines. I wouldn’t know what that’s like since I’m only 22. HAHA SUCKS TO BE OLD, YA BAGS OF DIRT! Tully has an idea for a brain monitor that tracks when you’re running at you’re best mentally so you can schedule your day around that. Million dollar deal right there. Ellis is back to rolling around with hairy Brazilians at the gym and had some sort of mental awakening while some dude’s ass was in his face.He realized that everything is connected and the world is one big inter-connected web. Sounds like the MDMA is still kicking around in him. Armageddon broke loose in LA yesterday when this crazy wet stuff fell from the sky and sent everyone into a panic. Seriously, what is it about SoCal people and their inability to handle a little moisture? Pussies. Ellis and the kids went to a pizza party for their soccer party and Ellis passed the time talking to an Asian dad and watching Spongebob, who according is apparently a TV megalord. Big Daddy Squarepants runs shit at Nickelodeon and if you step wrong to him, he’ll turn you into Krabby Patty meat. Tully is stuck in Madagascar hell with Linsanity and has watched both the Valentine’s Day and Christmas specials on Netflix over and over everyday lately. Those penguins are cool, but that bitch ass lion can fuck right off. The guys talked about TUF and Tully perved-out over some “tremendous lesbian sex” that took place in the ring.
After the break, we returned with some Aussie News: An escaped mental patient ambushed a funeral and stole a hearse with the coffin still in it, and a 50 year old man stole an ambulance because he was “going to see some pole dancing”. Do they not have cabs in Australia? Kelley, of Wolfscrub Fame, stopped by to tell a story about her adventure with Ellis and Katie at the sand dunes over the weekend. As you might remember, Ellis said someone parked right in front of their bus, which pissed Ellis off. Turns out the trailer was filled with 8 or so dudes in their 20’s and one of them was an amputee with prosthetic legs. This made Kelley “explode in her panties” and she was determined to fuck this guy. After getting shut down multiple times, she ended up crawling into his sleeping bag and fucking his brains out. Party. Kelley admitted to having a sort of fetish for amputees, so if you’re missing a limb and like hot chicks that sell coffee scrub, you may be in luck. HotDog joined the crew and the Onnit Challenge was discussed. Ellis thinks Kelley needs to work harder during her workouts and should “throw some tape on those titties and sell some scrub!”. He’s the Tony Robbins of body scrub, flashing his balls and spitting inspiration.
After the break, Tully plugged the Charity Buzz “Why Hunger?” charity. The highest donor will get to visit the studio and sit in on the show. Andrew the Giant took a break from destroying villages and came in to go over some recent news stories. Gloria Allred, famed prosecutor, has challenged Bill Cosby to appear in court and face his accusers or pay $100 million to them and other victims. According to a study, lefties earn less and are less successful in general. Everyone knows lefties are the new gingers. Also, it was revealed that Andrew hates all of you left-handed heathens and thinks you’re a bunch of fucktarded morons. Wilson got everyone to go on a tangent about how cars are turning into shitty boxes, which is a fair point. The latest Bond movie, Spectre, has been announced and famous physicist Stephen Hawking wants to be a villain because he thinks he’s perfect for the job. Y’know because of the whole robot voice and supreme intellect thing. Unfortunately for Sir Hawking, the producers have already tabbed Christoph Waltz as the lead villain. Nice Between news stories, we learned that Andrew thinks of himself as “The Tard Master” when he’s in the green room with Kevin and HotDog. Fair point. NASA’s new Orion spacecraft that could potentially lead to a manned-mission to mars has been delayed and scientists have discovered organic carbon on a meteorite from Mars. SCIENCE, BITCH! The North Koreans are so rownry and upset that James Franco and Seth Rogen made a movie that pokes fun at their fearless leader that they decided to hack Sony Pictures and release movies prematurely. The guys also touched on the Eric Garner, but I’m not gonna make any jokes on that one.
After the break, Andrew FINALLY got to spin the wheel and landed on the condom bubble. Kevin provided him with a spearmint flavored condom and Andrew got to chewing. I’ve chewed on a balloon before, so I can only imagine that it’s a similar texture. Ellis and Tully started fucking with him by bringing up the shit-filled condom story from yesterday that made him gag so bad. After pushing through all of the gagging, he managed to blow a respectable bubble. And to think that Andrew moved all the way from DC to get his job. The picture for the Wolfknives Christmas card was taken and it features kevin’s balls as the smartest tree in the world with Ellis’ mug right beside it. I can’t wait to get that gem in the mail and explain it to my family. The guys went over potential EM10 fight candidates and started to fill-out the card a little more. Final calls wrapped things up and the show made way for The Bua and Jude show. Alright shit stains, time for me to go put a baby in your sister and leave her before it’s born.