Sometimes I lie awake at night thinking to myself, “I wonder who Will’s killing right now?”. To think I shook hands with and ate breakfast at EM9 next to that goddamn monster. *shudders* Lazers. They’re great for blinding your little brother, taunting cats, and they’re pretty sweet when they’re attached to sharks. According to the legendary Tiger Lee Ellis, however, they’re nothing but body-halving death machines. Ellis says he’s been sick for a while and is shitting blood, which as we all know, is the most metal thing ever. Tully brought up that he’s still recovering from “vacation butt”. Basically, whenever he’s away from home for an extended amount of time, his body hoards shit like Will hoards patches. I know that feel, bro. After yesterday’s Ayahuasca talk with known hater of the Blecks, Donald Schultz, and some doctor dude, Ellis is potentially going to trip balls on Tuesday and Schultz is gonna film it. No way in hell that can go wrong. Tully wondered how many people he’s killed from spanking it in his life and he estimates it’s around 9,000 over the course of 25 years. This of course warranted the question of how many animals they’ve all killed in their lives and Tully admitted to viciously murdering a mouse on a glue trap. He also had a school experiment where he exposed 3 mice to metal, classical, and pop music to see what would happen. As if summoned by Lucifer himself, the metal mouse ended up eating the others. Hail Satan. Hot Dog specializes in snake destruction, Ellis has killed more animals than he can count, and Andrew is a gentle giant that hasn’t hurt a fly. In what comes in as the least surprising news ever, the bloodthirsty killer known as Wilson adopted a deaf dog just so he could run it over while backing out of his driveway. WHEN WILL YOUR BLOODLUST BE SATISFIED, YOU SADISTIC BASTARD?!Speaking of that terrifying monster, Will is going to FINALLY have an MRI on that knee he hurt going for a sweet lay-up 2 years ago. This led to talk about his upcoming fight at EM10 against Kevin, whose training regiment has been shadow boxing and working on his ducking technique. Kevin revealed his rising-uppercut super move, which if you’re a fan of Street Fighter would know is called a Shoryuken.
After the break, the boys continued working on everyone’s bios for the website and started by finishing off Hot Dog’s. Along with being a chill, football and popcorn loving dude, Hot Dog enjoyed climbing into manholes as a kid (heh heh heh…manhole) and aspires to be a sweet dude. Next up was the loveable bag of retarded cum, Kevin. Let’s run down the list, shall we: went to “special” school, lost his virginity to a mentally-handicapped girl on the toilet, sticks his dick in an extra cheese/extra pepperoni Domino’s pizza on a daily basis, pooped in a hat, has load tattooed on him, thinks he’s Jason Bourne, and has a sweet set of tig ol’ bitties. Never change, you beautiful bastard. Then came Andrew the Giant’s bio. Highlights include being tall, being good at basketball, hating Whitey on the reg, working for SiriusXM for 5 years, throwing kegs as part of some college frat hazing, and being a practice squad player for a team in the WNBA. To put in perspective how much better he was than the women on the team, he wasn’t allowed to jump when going against them. Ain’t that some shit. Tully’s bio only needs one word…PERFECTION. Team Tully, bitches.
We returned from the break, all set-up and ready to go for the Onnit Challenge featuring Kelly (Katie’s friends/inventor of WolfScrub) and Hot Dog, also known as “Panting with the Skanks” as coined by
Morgan Freeman @sharkchucker. To prepare for the 40 days of clean eating, Hot Dog decided to binge on Chinese food one last time. Solid plan. For those who don’t know, Hot Dog is looking to lose weight/get in shape and Kelly is looking to add some healthy weight and muscle. Onnit, being the awesome company they are, have decided to help out and train these two for the next 40 days. If you want to follow their progress or even join in on the fun, you can follow along on InstaGram using #TeamKellyChallenge and #TeamHotDogChallenge. After 20 minutes of captivating, exercise-filled radio, a few things were revealed: Hot Dog is secretly buff, grunts like a champion, and apparently has a lot of ass hair. I can smell it from here.
For the last hour of the show, we were joined by SiriusXM Canada host, Todd Shapiro, who I know absolutely fuck all about. He told a story about busting a chick’s fake titty during sex, how much he prefers dogs over kids, and his sexual exploits with random hot chicks. Fascinating. During the interview, the guys watched a video of Australians trying American junk food for the first time and to no surprise, the glorious treats of ‘Murica sent them on a magical journey that rivaled a heroin junkie’s final chase of the dragon. Some Americans tried Australian junk food as well. General consensus: Australian junk food is absolute shit and Vegemite is a crime against humanity. Seriously, that shit can burn in hell. Final calls wrapped things up and that does it for today’s show. Don’t forget to watch the Van Damme classic Time Cop tonight so you can follow along with Ellis and Tully’s review of it tomorrow. Also, check out The Bua Show, today’s guest being UFC fighter Uriah Hall. Alright kiddies, I’m outta here. Don’t forget to brush your teeth and say your payers to Satan.