CLERICAL WORK ALL DAY BITCHES!!! FUCKIN’ FILING AND COLLATING AND SERVICE REMINDERS AND ALL THAT CRISPY OFFICE SHIT WE MOTHAFUCKAS DO BEEYOTCH!!! It’s a good way to look back through the year and find out how many typos I made though, so it’s not all bad. Luckily, the most awesome background noise ever exists and it’s the Jason Ellis show! Today kicked off with Ellis reminding us that his balls are still SMMOOOOOOOOOOOTH as eggs, despite the mileage on them. As we in the auto industry have known for years, proper maintenance is key to getting the most out of your investment. It’s good to keep track of how your boner reacts to different stimuli, cause diet and exercise can affect so many different parts of how your body functions. He’s also dreading the day that he walks out of his bedroom in his pajamas and has to explain to Linsanity what an erection is. Jason was washing Devin’s hair the other day and his incredibly bald penis was noticed and traumatizing. Jude was still glad that Jason got the wax though, cause it was his idea. The guys talked for a while about murkins and the history and popularity of fake pubes. Jason and Jude chatted for a bit about the contract negotiations and how Jason is flying to New York tonight to talk to the big guns tomorrow about it. The guys discussed the new show “How Big is your Dick” with Dingo, and how there may not be much substance to it, but you can really separate the wheat from the chaff. They also recapped their own experiences with their own penises while I sat at my desk, angrily fellating a burrito, questioning the ebb and flow of everything that happens in the world. The guys put out an open call to the ladies who listen to the show to ask what they talk about with their friends in terms of swallowing a cock or if the guy they’re with can’t make them cum, but that didn’t really pan out as much as they probably were hoping, but a male ER nurse called in and apparently all the ladies in triage are some grimy bitches and will sell out any mother fucker they meet, just cause they can. The guys got wind of an ice cream social happening in the lobby of the building where their studio is, and Jude was planning to head down there to try and pull down some strange wool cause it’s never a bad time when that happens. Also, it’s the Sirius/XM company barbecue today, which seems really impractical to try and do in a downtown LA high rise office building, but apparently it’s a thing and everybody in the green room is putting back ribs like pork was about to go out of business. Jason saw the new movie “Lucy” and it was a tremendous pile of shit, but Morgan Freeman was electrifying as always and Scarlet Johanssen is a treat to watch prancing around in tight clothing, so definitely worth bootlegging. Jude told a story about one time when he was fucked up on ketamine watching a documentary about prostitutes and all of a sudden started hallucinating that his mom was a whore and he had a half-black brother, but luckily it was just the drugs talking. This got the guys to talking about those poor souls who attempted/seriously considered aborting their kids and at some point they start saying stuff like “I love you” and then things get weird. They also talked about exit strategy for a cheating relationship and how if you start fucking someone else, the smart thing to do is actually lie about it and break up with them for a totally bullshit reason just so you’re not fucking up their life cause you’ve got problems being monogamous. One guy called in to talk about his parents confessing to their entire church they planned to abort him, with him there, when he was like 13, cause they’re the best parents ever, if you’re into that sort of mind fucking. Jude has plans to give a guy a ride for drugs tonight cause sometimes your dealer doesn’t want to meet you at the train station, especially to move a lot of weight. Jason was on Dr. Drew On Call last night and talking about Robin Williams and the whole War Machine/Christy Mack thing and shit got intense cause the corpse hasn’t had a chance to cool and the authorities haven’t picked up War Machine to sort his internal organs out. And of course, Jenna Jameson had to step in to give her two cents on porn stars getting beat up by MMA fighters, and in her own inebriated haze she didn’t make much of a point other than that her 15 minutes are over. She also made it a point to sort of silently call out Tito Ortiz to try and get him hemmed up for some shit he had nothing to do with. Luckily though, she was so obviously perkin’ on some kind of shit that her bovine feces was completely transparent, like a pane of immaculately clean glass. The guys took a break so that Jude could get to his day job and the Jason and Tully could go get some barbecue before it ran out and forced them to roast Hot Dog over a burning garbage can.
To bring back talk about Robin Williams’ death for a minute and how much humanity needs a culling of the herd, in honor of Shark Week, a fuck ton of restaurants are claiming to add shark to their menu, cause sharks!!! Fuck you, it does have plenty to do with Robin Williams because he wanted to give us all a little bit of magic, despite the fact that he clearly saw all the shit wrong with us and the world we’ve made for ourselves. In other news, Jason brought back the Imperial Death March when WILSON walked in to talk to him about his plans for the next day or two. It’s probably gonna be a best of tomorrow, cause The Wing has a fucking busy day of showing up at 5 in the morning and generally threatening the management to honor their original deal or their suffering will be legendary, even in hell. Tully suggested trying to recreate the Anthony Cumia firing debacle just to see if he could spin it into something hilarious. The guys discussed with WILSON how Jason could manage his time effectively to do the meeting, and a 2 1/2 hour show and have a nap and make it to the airport in time to get back home, but it all sounds like heavy weather, New York traffic, LA traffic, and the world famous New York subway C.H.U.D’s are gonna be doing their best to keep it from going smoothly. Oxycottin John called in to remind Ellis that he could just do the meeting and take the rest of the day off to go do something fun, like go to a dungeon, or eat at Hooter’s. Seems like Ellis is gonna sort out all of that completely on the fly and we’ll find out tomorrow whether he does a short show or cruises alphabet city for a place to pour candle wax on somebody. The guys took a few suggestions from the callers and there were some half decent ones right up until some guy suggested dinner and a trip to the sex museum. Hot Dog suggested that Ellis ask Dingo to fly out and have lunch with him and Diddy after the meeting, except that he may have been stoned like an unwed mother in biblical times and have no concept of what Dingo is actually doing or if he can get ahold of Diddy that easily. One caller suggested a Wolfknife meeting, but it’s a little too up in the air to plan anything on that short of notice. Tully watched Sharknado 2 and gave his recap of it, cause it’s Shark Week, and as terrible as it sounds, I still have no interest in sacrificing an hour and a half of my life to see it, but if you’re looking for a masterpiece of nonsense on film, I highly recommend Manos: The Hands Of Fate. A friend of mine showed it to me and it is quite possibly the worst movie ever made and that’s what makes it awesome. The guys took a break to polish off the Tard seat cause Kevin has another treat cooked up for everybody.
In Coonan MacGrubee news, Jason knows a lady who thinks she’s having sex with him but doesn’t have a DNA sample to prove it, but he also seems to be getting a big head over his newfound popularity in the UFC, based on some comments he made at a press conference recently. Then again, a bunch of people who never heard of him think he’s the shit right now, so it’s understandable that he might be feeling like his dick is way bigger than what he normally believes it to be. Hopefully, all the super Irish smack talk won’t turn into a recreation of my performance at EllisMania 8, but only pay-per-view will tell. There was some more talk about UFC stuff and Jason got cold feet about going to New York cause of the shitty weather reports and not having anything to do in the afternoon there, but his spirits were lifted when Cumtard came in to reprise his trademark musical segment, Tard That Tune!!! The tracks Kevin covered this time around were as follows:
1. Rage Against The Machine – Down Rodeo
2. Something I never heard and they didn’t say the name but it sounded like shit so I don’t care.
3. Owner Of A Lonely Heart by whoever the hell wrote that pile of shit.
4. Sugar Ray – Every Morning
5. Guns N Roses – Welcome To The Jungle (the audio of which was used to leave offensive messages on several people’s voicemail, and then was used to make a button)
6. Something else that I couldn’t identify and they didn’t say the name of
7. War – Cisco Kid
8. Sir-Mix-A-Lot – Baby Got Back
9. Wham! – Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go
10. Led Zeppelin – Black Dog
11. Katy Perry – Dark Horse
12. And finally, that one 80’s song with the saxophone solo that refuses to die that I learned today was called Baker Street.
Upon finishing this segment, the guys found out that there’s a lot of songs that Kevin tries and don’t make the cut, so they told him to crawl his ass in the dumpster and fish them out cause that shit has to be amazing. After that, the guys took a break to polish the Tard chair because the Tard sat in it and that’s always a good reason to clean off the furniture.
The guys came back from break to talk about all the hot meat and nuts they were shoving in their mouths while the music was playing, and for Jason to take a fat rail of caffeine off the fizzy head of a can of Monster. Then they talked dinosaurs and shit for a while and how wooly mammoths were probably the only animals that can pull of the whole “tusk” look. There was talk of Pompeii and how everybody probably died ther not from hot lava, but from the most destructive planetary fart ever which released a blast of 600 degree terraforming fury all over those ancient simpletons. Last time Tully was in Japan, he rode a train through Hiroshima and so the guys talked about the A-bomb for a while and how as soon as meth cooks figure out the formula, the South is fucked. In a vain effort to drum up more Canadian listeners, the guys put out a call to Canadians to see if they could find a person from each province to see if they could guess the highest ranked Google search terms. While they were waiting for Canadians to invent the telephone, Tully played a PSA from 1980’s Canada starring an alien named “Ass-Star” reminding everybody that “Only smoking can prevent bleach-drinking children from raping strangers in a forest fire” cause apparently that was a real problem back then and it needed to be drilled into their heads that it was a real situation that the public needed to get under control. The first Canadian, an Albertan, got on the phone to guess some of the most searched terms and he got oil fields/pipelines and then the string that connected the two soup cans broke and reception was lost. Another guy from Nova Scotia guessed where to find a job, but he was wrong because murder, assassination and torture are all really big there in the Scosh right now. Next we got a guy from Saskatchewan who guessed that people on the internet are way int the Sask Rough Riders, but he was wrong because Saskatoonies are still way into NNNNNNNNIIIIIIIIIIIIICCCCCKELBBBBBAAAACCCCKKKKK, green poop, ice fishing, dubstep, bestiality, fisting and beavers (hopefully none of them in conjunction with each other cause that makes me not want to go to Canada anymore). A lady from British Colombia guessed that her fellow BC residents are constantly Googling weed cause it’s so common and it wasn’t cause stoners aren’t that proactive about anything, but they love MDMA, booze, gin, MDMA (again), hangover cures, breat reduction, feces and dominatrixes. A guy from Ontario where I’m headed guessed that the most common searches were election and bilingualism, and was pretty close cause conservative/liberal party and Steve Harper (their village shaman) were top searches, along with Drake, Justin Bieber, the word “hoser”, escort service, black jokes, “how to murder”, Ashley Madison, Asian Jokes, and autopsy photos. A dude from Quebec called in to act French and better than everybody even though the Canadians hate the French as well, and he guessed that people are searching for Ashley Madison, but it seems to be a localized thing in Ontario cause in Quebec people are looking for answers about masturbation, deep web (whatever the fuck that is), Limp Bizkit, golden shower, the mafia and of course poutine (you had to know that was going to be there). Another guy in New Brunswick thought that his fellow citizens were looking for info on abortions or police shootings, but the most common questions were about crossfit, maple syrup, deep throating, lesbian porn, amateur porn, and theft. A fellow from Manitoba guessed that people were looking to learn about Slurpees and murder, and he was wrong cause people there are looking for more to know about Rick Mercer (some dude who’s maybe a comedian or something), falafel, twerking, skateboarding, graffiti, rough sex, Stan (just the word Stan for no legitimate reason), overdose, poison and sniper. A guy from Newfoundland called in to guess that his neighbors were Googling boats but then he got into the local vernacular and shit got real weird so Tully just told us that Newfies are looking up hunting, anal sex, cocaine, vodka, hairy and BBW (combined, being the most common search items) and constipation. Nobody called from Prince Edward Island but they’re all checking to hear more about weed, penis, vagina, russia, depression, diarrhea, Shania Twain and being drunk. After a quick breather, the guys did some final calls and watched the video of a guy doing a burnout in a modified gas powered golf cart, and Jason talked about wanting to have a female boss that he could seduce for a raise. Ellis keeps throwing out the ideea of an everyday, high quality wear-about wig just for fucking with people or whatever and I can’t help but think of him going for the same thing from the Apple Juice music video thinking everybody else was liking it despit how obvious it would be that something is very VERY off in his appearance. There were some more suggestions about what Jason should do while he’s in New York and dirt racing and getting a rub and tug after an important business meeting and how Tim Silvia should hunt down that War Machine asshole, cause really, anybody but Dogg the Bounty Hunter, for the sake of the rest of us. One guy called to ask about hepatitis B like they would know about it, but the guys made it abundantly clear that if they were medical professionals, they probably wouldn’t have a dick and fart afternoon radio show.
Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,