No dancing? Gotta cut Footloose!

Welcome to Monday’s recap, I’ll be your guide throughout today’s show. If you have questions, comments, or concerns, please just keep them to yourselves until the end of the recap – at which time you can shove them right up inside your mom’s gash. Ellis still doesn’t like the show intro, so he’s going to put on his Rachel voice and do it himself and show everyone how it’s done, but that’s later. Did you know Stevie Wonder grabbed onto both of Dingo’s forearms once? Pretty rad, right? Dingo also met another blind lady once, she swam in the ocean a lot and so now her friend ties a rope around her blind ass and takes her out to sea and starts with the “Marco, Polo” shit. What a mean bitch, right? Did you know Tully had cataracts as a child? His eyeballs were slowly turning to stone! Infinity pools, like magnets, nobody knows exactly how it works, where the fuck does the water go? When Ellis had a pool, he was in it all the time, having parties by himself with the birds, dogs, deer, and shit. Dingo couldn’t go to any pool parties there because his girlfriend at the time didn’t want him to even be around porn chicks. But Tully went to one of the pool parties, he totally hit it off with Sluggo and probably could’ve gotten some, but he exercised some self control and remained an honest, loving, faithful, husband. So remember how Ellis got his new bike, went to ride moto and his chain came loose & he hurt his ankle? He went to ride this weekend, some dude saw his fucked up chain & offered to tighten it for him. He goes to pick up the bike to put it on the rack so dude could tighten up his chain and bickity-bam! He pinched something in his back. Now he needs a backiotomy. Talk turned to a local park, where Dingo for some reason dropped the word “libary”, and Will has seen men in their “underoos” dancing on tables right out in the open and next to the kiddie park he likes to hang out in. I don’t know if someone should call someone or what, but that felt weird just to type. The thing to remember here? Don’t walk your kids past The Abbey unless you’re ready to have “that talk” with them. Talk continued from both sides about whether or not nearly naked people dancing in their underwear should be allowed to do that next to a park, and the other hot button topic – Grenade Gloves customer service. After an hour of this, we get our first break.

That first time as I child when you see an amputee.

Back from the break and Kelly Osbourne laughing about Ellis shaving his arms is still on Ellis’ mind. But fuck it, he’s gonna continue to shave. A man chopped off his own hand with a homemade guillotine and is threatening to amputate more body parts unless doctors amputate his arm as well. Wilson met a fan of the show who lost his hand due to combat injuries and he shook his left hand, but he’s not sure what’s the appropriate protocol was. Was he supposed to bump elbows, as suggested in the green room? Does he bend down and kiss the nub? Handshakes. How do they work? Tully knew a dude whose brother was the Boston Strangler, so to thwart that awkward moment when people would find out who his brother was, he’d just lead off with “Hi, my name is ‘Matt’ and my brother is the Boston strangler.” That’s one hell of a power move. Wilson thinks that’s the equivelent of meeting someone in the bar with, “Hi, my name is ‘Matt’ would you blow me?”  Clearly, Wilson is still thinking about the park across from The Abbey. A caller got a surprise when he went to shake hands with someone and next think he knew, he was shaking hands with a man sporting crab hands. Does Jetta like wheels? He must think they’re a little important because he claims they transport coal across the country. I’m calling bullshit on that. Also, Jetta will be spinning the wheel-of-doom soon, so that’s something to look forward to. In the meantime, it was time to name some new Wolfknives. I don’t normally mention any of the names because it’s too much to keep track of, but “Blow Gay Simpson” is a pretty fucking amazing name, given by Tully of course. We salute you Blow Gay Simpson!

Shitty moto news? Deal with it.

Moto News time and Supercross was in St. Louis this past weekend. James Stewart won for the third consecutive time. Points leader Villopoto came in second and Barcia came in third. Alessi got a shot in the hole and quickly slipped into his second hold with no Tickle time. Ellis is sticking with his prediction of an overall Villopoto win for the season and blah, blah, blah. Sorry, I’m not as good at Moto News as Dingo so I’m just going to stop. Oh. I forgot to mention that Danny Kass has asked a couple times if Death! Death! Die! would play at the Grenade Games, sounds like Ellis and Tully are all for it. Ellis wants him and Dingo do some sweet moto jumps with Dingo, over my sweet Tully, making for a sweet picture. No lame jumps and no lame licks. Time for a game, “Finish the phrase” and it’s about umm, finishing the phrase. Dingo did horrible and surprising, Ellis didn’t do so bad. Regardless, here are a few of the gems:

Dingo: Absinthe makes for a fun night out with your friends.
Ellis: Absence makes for a lonely vag.
Answer: Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Dingo: Armed to the future!
Answer: Armed to the teeth.

Dingo: What kind of horse was it? I would normally say eyes. In it’s plastic wrapping?
Answer: Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.

Dingo: Long in the nose. Wait, long in the face!
Answer: Long in the tooth.

Dingo: Your eyes are bigger than life.
Answer: Your eyes are bigger than your stomach.

Dingo: Hold your feet to the bone. Hold your feet to the sky.
Answer: Hold your feet to the fire.

Coming up next, TeenWorf.

Dingo: In the country of the blind, Stevie Wonder’s partying.
Ellis: In the country of the blind, everyone is Michael Jackson.
Answer In the country of the blind, the one-eyed man is king.

Dingo: A flash in the dark is worth two in the bush.
Ellis: A flash in the hand is worth two in the bush
Answer: A flash in the pan.

Dingo: Cut the fat off.
Ellis: Cut the cloth off Jesus.
Answer: Cut the mustard.

We went to break and next thing we knew, Christian and TeenyWolfy Posey were in studio to help come up with a new Death! Death! Die! song for Posey to be a part of. Fans called in and tweeted some lyrics to try and help, which is always a fun time, and that closed out the show – which ran long, past where anything would be recorded – but that’s alright because the professionals took notes and can handle the rest. After all, they have #1’s on the charts, just like your mom has #1’s in her mouth to make ends meat. OH!

Whaaaaat?