Show keeps cutting out? Read a book!
It’s Monday and I think the last recap I did was on October 14th, go me! I’d like to thank myself on such an accomplishment. Actually, it’s not all my doing, but still, I’ll take credit for it. So there should be 5 straight days of radio this week, since it’s Monday and all. And Ellis is thinking about changing his kid’s middle name to “Total” so he’d be Tiger “Total” Ellis, totally. So I assume everyone was like me, the show kept cutting out for the first 10 fucking minutes, so I heard something about Rawdog & his dad riding bikes and then Don Henley’s daughter attacking Dingo. I don’t know how those 2 tied into each other, but let’s just pretend that Rawdog & his dad were riding bikes with Don Henley and his daughter when Dingo started shooting at them with a hunting rifle1. Fish are plentiful in Panama, but you can’t talk to them, but if you had an underwater microphone, maybe you could interview a fish here and there. I mean, fuck science, right? Speaking of fish, my daughter’s pet fish died recently, on Friday if memory serves. I think he tried to tell me he was going to commit fishicide, but I couldn’t hear him because I didn’t plug my earbuds into his asshole. Vegetarian talk time, and since I’m not full of stupid, I eat meat and therefore will refrain from talking about any of that bullshit malarkey. What it boils down to is, cows are stupid, fish are stupid, and therefore humans eat them. Maybe we should eat stupid humans. Wait. No. What if you caught the stupid from eating stupid people? I’d want some research done on that before committing to eating a stupid person. Science, get on that please. It’s not like it’d take away from how close you are to a cure for cancer. *cough*
More reading material for you and your children.
Ellis is coming off drugs. He got sick in Panama, drank, got some antibiotics and codeine, and didn’t even think about how codeine is a pain reliever and causes constipation. So he wasn’t eating or pooping over this past weekend, then he realized, oh shit! I can’t shit! Why can’t I shit? Oh, it’s because of this anti-shitting sizzurp! So now he’s on his way to feeling all better, eating, pooping, and radio’ing. Dropping your kids off at daycare, babysitter, or school can suck and be a little emotional, but them little shits need to get used to it (as do you) because they have to be normal little fuckups in the world. Nobody can care for your child like you do, unless you’re one of those dirty-ass shitballs whose kids constantly have lice and shit because you’re a gross-ass, shit slob of a parent2. Then pretty much everyone can care for your child way better than you and you should be eaten by smarter people. But hey, enjoy your life now because come Tuesday, you might be busy or something. And that’s exactly why Rawdog has fed pigeons before, you can’t hold the fuckin’ thrill seeker back from anything! You know how Dingo is a surprise expert in some the oddest shit you’d never guess3? Well, even though he admits he doesn’t get on the internet very much, he also appears to be a video game expert – especially, and oddly enough, with the massive multiplayer online genre of games. Ah Dingo. Full of surprises, he is.
A 26 foot turd will have a formidable scent.
So some chick purposely made herself super constipated and then took what is believed to be the world’s longest shit, coming in at a whopping 26 feet! This of course was the perfect segue into the Bellator fights that nobody watched, apparently King Mo took a shit and was beaten and that sums up Bellator, a complete turd with a few nuts mixed in. Ellis watched some boxing over his weekend of constipation, some dude fought another dude and one of them eventually won! Exciting times in the world of boxing, even less people watched that than the Bellator fights. This brought us to NBA talk about craptastic looking shoes and has-been stars of yesteryear, completing the trifecta of shitty sports that have less viewers than a re-run episode of Hardcastle and McCormick4. Rawdog hacked into the world’s mainframe network to watch some football over the weekend, the Steelers versus the Patriots game to be exact. And it should come as no surprise that he liked the commercials the best and understands commercials, but not football. He knew when a touchdown happened, he saw a long pass or two, he saw “a guy with some long, curly hair” (Troy Polamalu) but was still more impressed with the commercials. Rawdog didn’t know, but Gary Kubiak, coach of the Texans collapsed on the sideline. Turns out he was okay, just a bit sleepy and thirsty. Oh, and don’t forget to watch out for your dogs and their Chinese jerky treats. But you won’t. Because if you haven’t bathed your child since the nurse cleaned it off directly after birth, let’s face it, you’re not doing a god damned thing for your mutt of a dog.
Rawdog after a hard days worth of “Doing Stuff With Rawdog”
Usain Bolt, boy, that guy sure can run – am I right? He ate some chicken nuggets, a lot of chicken nuggets because he hates Chinese food as well as Chinese people. Rawdog pretended to not know anything about this story, but nobody is believing that shit because the technology exists to send alerts to Rawdogs, phone, laptop, toaster, Prius, etc. anytime chicken nuggets are mentioned anywhere in the world. Would guests to The Jason Ellis Show like warm, moist towels – or would they just prefer Dingo’s warm, sweaty hands? This brought us into “Doing Stuff With Rawdog” where the all-knowing Rawdog provides answers to life’s toughest questions. I was stuck in traffic for most of this segment so I didn’t have a chance to field all the questions and answers, but rest assured, you’re probably better off anyway5. Steve Wilkos, President of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee From Kansas City. Steve Wilkos, Former Nobody With His Own Shitty Show For Nobodies. Steve Wilkos, Jesus H. Christ who cares about this dumbshit ass-wipe? See, world? This is why people hate the world, shit shows like this and the shit audience that watches the shit shows6. So what’s the craaaaziest TV moment he’s seen? Two guys taking their shirts off and one of the guys had a single female breast. Has this motherfucker never been on the Internet? Fuck that guy, watch these homeless people instead because it features a dude with no arms & no legs, necking this shit outta some other homeless person. A chick wearing Google Glass, uhh, glasses while driving got a ticket for them shits. Heads up display (HUD) is the shit and I think even safer than checking your dashboard, but you don’t need fucking texts and tweets in front of your face while you drive, ass-fuck7. By now, you may be asking yourself, “sheesh, is bitPimps in a bad mood today or something?” No, not really. But I’ve had a fucking headache since I woke up this morning and that shit isn’t going away8. So let me try to lighten the mood a little bit with a joke or two. Why was the little boy sad? His pet fish died. No? Not doing it for you? How about this one. A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “Why the long face?” He then realizes he is hallucinating the entire situation and is still in solitary confinement, as he has been for 17 years. He cries himself to sleep. OH!
1 That was just pure pretend. I’m sure Dingo would be in jail if it were true.
2 You may or may not be a shit-stupid, sleezeball, motherfucker of a parent, I don’t know.
3 Dingo may or may not be an expert in whatever oddball shit he talks a good game about.
4 There are way more shitty sports than those, but whatever, it’s cool.
5 Mileage may vary, depending on if you qualify to be on the menu for other humans to eat.
6 Aren’t we done with these type of shows yet? Come on, seriously. Please. Stop.
7 Maybe you’re an ass-fuck, maybe you’re not an ass-fuck. But still.
8 I think it’s a sinus headache mixed with stress. Or maybe my period. Who fuckin’ knows.
9 Your mom.
10 She seems like a nice lady.