What is this “soccer” you speak of?
It’s another Monday recap, and you know you looooove it! Ellis has been 43 like 5 times in the past 3 or 4 days, with all the cake and celebrating. Dingo is looking good today, he’s dropped about of weight lately and even he’s having a skinny mirror day. Tully watched a woman attempt to take a selfie of herself for about a half hour, she was a trendy looking black woman trying to time her selfie just right. Dingo & Ellis discussed how phones have become new tools allowing for people to look at themselves. It bums most everyone out to run into a man who has to have names for his weed, you know exactly the kind the of dude they’re talking about. “I got some headband and n-bomb riot, bro – you gotta try it!” There were good and band things that happened over the weekend for Ellis. He got vibed the entire time by his ex-in-laws at a soccer game, he told his kids he made out with a dude – that pretty much rounds out the bad stuff that happened yesterday. Good things that happened include: Slash said hello and gave Ellis some gum, Kelly Osbourne made him a cake, Dingo is his friend, Katie tries really hard so that’s cool, Iran dudes are cool, and fruit is cool. There’s a couple of kids on Tiger’s soccer team that are really good, the rest? Not so much. It’s the fat kids that just aren’t cutting the mustard, so to speak. The Persian kids however, they’re like little soccer ninjas, which if you’ve ever seen a movie or National Geographic, those brown kids are all about the soccer (football in their world). Ellis in the Iranian guy teamed up on the coach to tell him to teach the kids some basics because only their two kids seem to be able to play soccer. White mom’s and Iranian dudes, those are the only people who care about soccer. So besides 48 hours of soccer, there was more to the weekend. There was a magician at Ellis’ house and everyone was impressed. Joanna Angel was there, as was Dingo and Pendarvalis. Ellis also saw a real, live, horse wheelie at Medieval Times. Oh and someone recognized Ellis while he was at the Chateau Marmont.
Why did you break the car Will?
Are you ready to rock? Ellis is and he’s going to rock rehearsal tonight in preparation for the Horse Force show in New York. Did you know you could win tickets to go see Horse Force by going to the Faction with Jason Ellis Facebook page? Will brought his two kids, Buzz & Ozzy, over to Ellis’ house for the magic show. Ellis let Buzz drive the only remaining Ken Block RC car that works, Ozzy got a chance to drive it too, all went well. Now it’s Will’s turn to drive it and guess what happens? Just take a guess. Yup, he floors it straight down the driveway and slams it into a concrete barrier and the car explodes into pieces. He didn’t even bother to turn or brake or anything, he just lined it up and tried to disintegrate the car, probably because he’s losing control of Faction and he wants to destroy something Ellis loves. Now Will’s own kids don’t trust him drive them home and asked if Will wanted them to drive to home, so they can make it home without Will’s rage taking over and ending all their lives. Ellis got a voicemail during the show break and it sounds like a man is masturbating at the mall. He’s not even sure who it is, he doesn’t recognize the number. To pay for his destructive behavior, Will (joined by Hotdog) will be calling the number back and climaxing right back at this stranger who called previously. Turns out it was Ellis’ insurance guy that called in pure passion about his coverage. Speaking of insurance and wrecks, Ellis was on CBS Sports this weekend, showing his first race at Terracross in North Carolina where he crashed hardcore Yardsale style (another Ellis appearance at 4:10).
On your mark, get set, GO!
Denmark is finally taking the controversial step to make it illegal for their citizens to fuck animals, which totally fucks up Will’s retirement plans as well as the thriving animal sex trade in that region. Dingo’s been to Denmark, he’s hung with some dog fuckers over there, he never fucked a dog, but he could’ve if he wanted to. Tully don’t give no fucks about animals, or at least spiders, he tried to burn a spider this weekend. Hotdog might be doing an Onnit challenge, if he can refrain from eating shit. Speaking of eating shit, shit transplants, we’ve talked about getting a family members shit, and stuffing that shit into our pipes so you shit your family’s shit. Now there are frozen shit pills, you take 15 shit pills per day for 2 days and then you shit the shit back out. Dr. Drew wanted Ellis on HLN tonight, they’re going to be talking about Mayhem and his recent troubles that included live tweeting as SWAT was at his house to serve a warrant for his arrest. Ellis can’t make it though because he has therapy and also he’s not sure what he can say to help the guy because he isn’t ready to help himself. He still loves Mayhem, but he can’t get involved until he stops being crazy. Maybe some shit pills would help him turn his life around. Maybe Wolfknives could start making shit pills, kinda seems like the right kind of fit, ya know?
LSD Wolf is tripping out that Hotdog can’t name a vegetable.
Cricket in New York, and don’t you forget it, bitch! You can go play cricket with the boys while they’re in New York, if you think you’re man enough. Ellis and Dingo are talking a tough cricket game, but I’m not sure anyone is intimidated by it. Pendarvis will be there to judge the cricket match and make sure nobody is taking any performance enhancing shit pills for a competitive edge. Batsmen and bowlers beware, Butt Judge Pendarvis will be watching for any LBW’s and asses. Not to worry, he may not know much about cricket, but he does know about quidditch, which is pretty much just like cricket, right? Right after the show on Thursday, most everyone is leaving straight from the show to fly to Vegas where they will do Friday’s show live from Vinyl. After a bunch of other shit in Vegas this weekend, then it’s off to New York for a week of shows there. They’re trying to do a show outside of the SXM studios on Wednesday of that week, and also Horse Force. And cricket too. Don’t forget cricket, bitch. Maybe they can get a celebrity on the show while they’re in New York, Derek Jeter isn’t doing shit right now, right? Hotdog is back with his greens drinks and it terrifies him, he likes salad, he puts lettuce on his burgers, he likes fruit over vegetables – so much so that he’s not even sure what vegetables exist, much less what they are. He couldn’t even name many vegetables, he got 1 – carrot – but that was given to him. He has sneezed a carrot before though. His mommy loves him and does not force him to eat his vegetables, “she cooks things the way I like them.” Straight from the Hotdog’s buns. It’s on the tip everyone’s tongue, we’re all being reminded of Rawdog. Somehow the show has found two man-children who eat worse than a 6-year-old. He almost threw up while downing a few drinks of the greens, and now his lip is bleeding from his mouth herpes. Sounds like he’s going to give this workout thing a shot as long as his Pendarvis ankle doesn’t act up, or his lactose intolerance doesn’t get in the way, and as long as that one greens drink that almost made him vomit isn’t involved. Anyway, that pretty much wraps up the recap, call it grilled, stuffed, deep fried, and done, bitch!