The Ellis Commission was established to investigate the gas attack on the Faction with Jason Ellis greenroom that had taken place on May 29, 2015. The full report has not yet officially been made public and currently remains classified. However, anonymous sources have managed to leak portions of the report’s findings to the Internet. Will there be a smoking butthole that points to a lone farter? The controversial findings will no doubt be both challenged and supported by later studies. In any case, everyone can agree that it was an inside job conceived in the bowels of evil.
Before delving into the facts and findings, let’s review what evidence is currently available to us. We can then more objectively break down the matter into smaller, easier to digest portions that can then be emitted to the world for further speculation. Much like a nasty fart may thrive in an airborne environment, spreading itself far and wide.
Audio of the incident (Fartio tape):
Edited for time, removing only off-topic discussion and stupid as shit callers. We have a fucking fart to figure out, god dammit!
Video of the incident (Zapruder film):
Completely unedited. Warning: Graphic material.
Why is Will Pendarvis not a suspect?
Simple. Once you learn some things about Will, none of the motives or actions fit Will’s modus operandi (aka: MO). A short & quick review of Will’s records reveals the following facts that essentially help clear Wilson of any wrong doings in this particular case.
- Had only eaten pretzels that day. (No fuel, no fire.)
- Will swears at his children when he means it.
- Will prefers to fart in elevators.
- Threatened to take his pants off to prove his innocence.
- Very sexually active. Like, a lot. Aggressively.
- Alleged source of the video above.
With Will now exonerated, we are left with only 2 more suspects. Kevin and Andrew. Let’s go back and analyze the data we have in front of us to see if anything stands out as suspicious. Other than the obvious, that is.
Analysis of Evidence
Sure, we can see body positioning, posture, and reactions, but what is there that we cannot see? Using special imaging software, are able to see things the human eye doesn’t pick up – such as heat signatures and foreign air pollutants.
Here we can clearly see the air quality is quite poor and there seems to be concentrated pockets of the offensive gas in places we would expect. There appears to be 3 main areas that could be the source of the emission. Click on the picture for a larger view and you will see pockets of gas emitting from Andrews lap area, Kevin’s chair, and where he is standing. All 3 of these areas are connected by the cloud of filth.
The “Lee Harveytard” Theory
Considering this suspects past history and penchant for farts, this theory carries a lot of credence and is almost perfectly constructed to make the suspect the culprit in the Great Gascious Release of 2015. Everything about this theory fits so well, too well in fact. He is the only person whose diet was not revealed, but it is the reaction that becomes the source of contention.
The body will naturally try to protect itself from harm or danger and we can see that happening here. As the fart wafts toward the victim, his body naturally recoils away from the source. The source is to his right side as we see his body move back and to the left.
The “Gassy Knoll” Theory
What are we left with? A giant man who had eaten grapefruit, pineapple, and a protein shake that day. Sitting with one cheek hiked up to allow a fart to easily escape his rectum. Fist is clenched as if he is putting some power and force behind his intestines to help aid and ensure the giant fart blasts out hard enough to travel well past the epicenter. If you look really closely, you can even see an evil smirk on his face as victims begin to realize something has gone horribly wrong. With ties to German extremists and his odd taste in music and women’s perfume, we have identified the likely source of the attack. You can’t make sense of it, so don’t try. Some me just want to watch the world vomit from farts.
Will is a hero.