It’s hot in LA and white people sunburn easy. Welcome to the show! Life is full of ups and downs and according to Ellis, the stagnant middle is to be avoided at all costs. He wouldn’t want to get comfortable on the rollercoaster of life. Devlin Steele is in Ellis’ head again and we’re off in another moment of inspirational motivation that has Young Wing mindful of doing all the right things. Just like that we’re off and rocketing into the show…and this recap. Hold on, this will all be over soon and only slightly very painful. Click, click, click…here we go!
Harrison Ford is old. But he’s one of the best actors ever and still attractive to ladies of all ages. And Han is not Solo as he is still married to that anorexic chick from that show with the dancing baby and Ellen’s muff muncher that I never watched. You just know the Blade Runner is Indiana Jones-ing for some soft non-Wookie curves to snuggle with on his next Kessel Run. I bet he doesn’t even last 12 parsecs as his cock has seemingly been encased in a carbonite vagina for parts of two decades. It’s hard to Witness that he hasn’t taken Extraordinary Measures to go Fugitive from that no longer Working Girl who seems Frantic and icy like a Mosquito Coast Fat Boy and should be Expendable even though she is Presumed Innocent and no Clear and Present Danger to bust through the Firewall of Paranoia and declare a Time for Killing The Devil’s Own in a Hollywood Homicide. Or maybe I’m wrong and during those years as a carpenter he developed a love for nailing flat sticks that he just can’t get past. Whatever the case may be with his love life, one thing is for sure, don’t board Air Force One if this dude is piloting, or you may just see What Lies Beneath, which sooner or later, is a Widowmaker and an Ender’s Game. I could do this for Six Days and Seven Nights but yer mum is waiting her turn to have me jam something down her throat, so I must move on with this recrap.
Tiger Lee Ellis has a new KTM 50 but it’s too tall for him, so dad has to figure out how to fix that. No worries though, he has a kit. Laila Ali is talking shit on Ronda Rousey, but who the fuck really cares? That fight will never happen. There was some talk about alcohol, weightlifting, Kevin is on Paxil and it fucks with his wiener, and more talk about Tiggy and moto that leads us into the first break.
I missed a bit after the break, so the next thing I hear is the guys discussing some pretty terrible music. I so hoped that had ended with the departure of Rawdog, but here we are again. Apparently those audio atrocities were all part of the JUNO Awards; a Canadian music awards show. Just like New Music Tuesday, the only entertainment from this segment was the guys shredding it all to pieces.
Ellis is taking Katie and the kids to Knott’s Berry Farm for Snooki’s birthday. Apparently it’s an amusement park (rollercoasters!) on the grounds of a former berry farm. It’s all about Devon on this day as Tiger will get his day at the track the next day. Sounds like a nice family weekend for the Ellis family. A motherfucking Norman Rockwell moment.
After the second break it was the Green Room’s chance to shine. First up was Cumtard with another awesome installment of Droopy News. This segment has been a homerun since the first time Kevin Kraft donned the Droopy persona. It’s basically Cumtard delivering very morose news stories in the style of the cartoon character Droopy Dog…while Ellis and Tully laugh their asses off at his delivery. It doesn’t translate well to writing so go check that shit out for yourself and have a good laugh. I haven’t heard one bad comment about this segment, so good on ya, Kevin!
Next up is Andrew the Vagiant with a segment titled ‘Shit That Baffles Me’ or something like that. Anyway, it’s basically Andrew throwing out honest observations about the world around him that are then easily explained by Tully, and only serves to truly make Andrew sound like a fucking moron. He wonders why we don’t run out of cows since we eat so many burgers? How does heating food with energy work, and why isn’t it bad for you? Couldn’t we resolve ‘global warming’ with more freezers? How do we know what food is safe to eat? How does Wi-Fi work? Yes folks, this is the college educated Executive Producer of the show who scored in the top 5% on his SAT’s…once again proving that standardized testing means absolutely nothing in regard to real world intelligence. Between this and his being easily scared, I think we’re gonna continue to have fun at Andrew’s expense for a long time. Before the Big Scaredy Frat was sent packing back to the Green Room, the guys took some calls about other things that baffle people and then discussed the ins and outs of college fraternities, hazing, pranks, and then a quick appearance by Tapeface.
The next hour began with a reminder that Barack Obama is a Muslim that took our guns and forced a shitty healthcare program on us. I got no jokes for that, as I am surrounded by people who see no humor whatsoever in any part of Tully’s obviously sarcastic statement. Next up is a news story from 2013 (that has now gone to trial) involving a Sasquatch attack on a very friendly hunter. Or maybe he’s just a deranged idiot with bi-polar disorder trying to get off on a self-defense claim. Fuck this phony, giving Squatches everywhere a bad name.
Faction CEO and ladies’ man Wilson Pendarvis III is also in studio with some news stories. Twitter has announced that they will finally start cracking down on revenge porn. Guess I gotta find somewhere else to post those dick picks of @az_reddragon. What do you think is the average amount people spend on weddings? You’re wrong. It’s over $31K. That’s more than some of you make in a year. Fucking atrocious. Our galaxy is apparently much bigger than originally thought. Ok, sure. Unless you arrive on our planet from outer space, I don’t believe a fucking word anyone says about shit we can’t even begin to see or comprehend. Some dumb bitch did something stupid at the White House and the Secret Service had to take action. Yawn…let me know when one of these public cries for attention is ever successful. People are going to Turkey to get hair transplants. The country, not the bird; which is a shame because I would love to see someone rocking a tasty Butterball weave.
Ellis got a threatening text message from Tas Pappas for defending Tony Hawk who was completely disrespected in the Pappas’ brothers documentary ‘All This Mayhem’. If you have bad things to say about the Birdman, then you are an absolute piece of shit, because that dude is one the nicest guys you will ever meet. Jason Ellis will always be quick to defend his friend, and there will be a long line behind him backing it up. Look no further than Ellis’ first book for some tales involving these scumbags. And as coincidence would have it, Tas Pappas recently revealed that he “was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder in connection with his experience of sexual abuse a young child” and “his self-destructive behavior was identified as a manifestation of the disorder” Maybe he read “I’m Awesome” as well. Good luck dealing with ignorant Aussies’ views on why anyone would admit that publicly.
It’s time for Final Calls which means the idiocy is ramping up as the show is grinding to a halt. Some dude asked what happened to Rawdog. That’s about the time I ripped off the seatbelt, pulled up the lap bar and jumped off the show rollercoaster before it inevitably crashed into the wall when the kooks took over.
Sometimes in life it takes knowing when to step away from the coaster as well…to take some time to soak up some middle ground, give yourself a break, enjoy some comfort…to be able to flourish in the peaks and endure in the valleys ahead. Some call it stagnant. I think of it more as finding the balance. But what the fuck do I know…I always think I’m ready to climb right back up that fucking coaster too.