People are finally going to see my face!
It’s Wednesday and I’m in Vegas, listening to and recapping the show. This feels really odd. Anyway, as you know, there was no shows planned for Monday or Tuesday, so today is kind of like a Monday, Dingo is there. Apollo Creed, Kelly Slater, they had sex together. No, I got that wrong. Bald dudes attract older ladies and lot’s of chicks (young & old) have had sex with Kelly Slater. Chicks with thinning hair are hating life, nobody thinks that’s sexy. When Tully was a teenager, he inquired a stylist about getting the hair on his temples dyed gray. He still thinks it’s a good idea, but he’s just going to wait for it to happen naturally because he’s, at most, 5 years away from natural gray temple hair. Hair costs money and Ellis would rock a good wig, but it has to be next level good looking shit. Tully bought an inexpensive wig over the weekend. Why? Probably because he’s dressing up for Tiger Box, I assume the silver pants are going to be part of the outfit. Ellis wants to go as James Hetfield, but he doesn’t even know where to begin to pull that off. The Wolfknives meeting will be at a pool, and that’s all I can tell you. Ellis & Dingo both love doing the radio show by the pool in Vegas. Dingo likes it because it feels like he’s on vacation. Ellis likes it because it feels more social and people are talking to each other so it takes the pressure off him. Things are escalating where EllisMania is concerned, the crowds are getting bigger, the show is getting bigger, and so is your cock (or clit if you’re a woman.) But one day it’s all going to be over, so Ellis and Tully make it a point to really take it all in and realize how awesome it is. It’s no 40th SNL 3 and half hour special on TV, but as far as they’re concerned, it’s still pretty fucking special.
Beef at the UTV races.
Ellis crashed the shit out of his UTV race car. One might even say he Yardsaled it. It was the gnarliest crash of the weekend for sure. In 3 laps he had a broken axle and a flat tire but he had qualified 16th or something. On the 2nd lap, Ellis saw a dude roll his shit in the 3rd turn, so Ellis slowed down. BAM! Some guy nails him from behind and now his tire has a slow leak. The yellow flag is out and some dude passed him, which is illegal. Ellis tried to jump back in front of him and that started some beef. Ellis is still out there and before you know it, he’s flipping his car and watching as a concrete barrier is getting closer and closer, he closed his eyes and waited for the flipping to end. Some people think he got knocked out, they’re freaking out on the radio asking if he’s ok, some medics are around him and he’s trying to convince them he’s ok and didn’t get knocked out. In the end, the wreck wasn’t really his fault, he’s safe out there, but he’s not losing his nickname anytime soon so he’s embracing it. He’s in love with racing and his team says they are invested in it and want him to keep doing it as well. Dingo went to a private screening of 50 Shades of Grey. Gay. Ellis went to a private screening of Hot Tub Time Machine 2. Not gay. Tully and Dingo both are oily butter loving fools, which I think most people are when they’re at the movies. It’s part of the experience, you should leave feeling bloated and like shit. Do you like meat and nuts? Well if you do, good news! Dave has a company called Meat and Nuts. At least that’s what I think it’s called, if it’s not called that, it should be. Anyway, Dave sent some to the show and wanted to make sure Cumtard tried some, so in he comes to try out Dave’s spicy, slimy, meat jerky while Ellis tries Dave’s nuts. Cumtard’s cheeks are already sweating from Dave’s meat. Dave sent a lot of his meat, not all of it is slimy. He’s got some dry meat too with wild flavors like root beer. Turns out Dave sent Cumtard some slimy meat with onions in it, he didn’t vomit because the meat is so hot, he couldn’t even taste the onions. Cumtard may be cured of his affliction and is now safer should he find himself eating onion rings off a gay man’s dick.
You had 1 job, paper mache dick maker guy!
Ellis is a little worried about HateBean and Will & Cumtard’s fight. Will & Cumtard both say HateBean is good to go, but they don’t want to spoil anything and Will promises they won’t be Tera Patrick and Sam Ruben’ing out the show. Will was there for that, he and the rest of the fans hated that bout. Will finally gave us a little taste of what’s to come with HateBean while Cumtard danced. HateBean’s costume is all set, Cumtard’s however, not so much. He couldn’t find a set of fake tits that squirt milk. More bad news, the paper mache cock was made by a shitty paper mache cock craftsman and has basically fallen apart. What would it cost to be Bruce Wayne in real life? Well he’s a billionaire, so it takes at least that much. Some nerds figured it out and came up with a number, $79,237,480.98. How is a billionaire supposed to live on millions? I don’t get it. Clark Duke is in studio and he hates John Cusack. Just kidding, he doesn’t. But a lot of people are left wondering why he didn’t just skip his salary and star in the movie. Clark plays a bigger role in Hot Tub Time Machine 2, instead of his past role of just helping to move the plot along. Ellis & Cumtard were laughing a lot, not just because they were high. Not a lot of other people were laughing, but apparently that’s pretty normal at industry screenings. They talked a bit about Snakes On A Plane and Matthew McConaughey, which is a perfect way to pitch the movie Clark was just in recently. He’s accidentally lost some weight lately, not because he’s upping his selfies game, just because. Dingo tried to ask Clark a question about Chevy Chase, but he could stop stuttering and stammering long enough to spit out, “did it seem like he wanted to be there?” (speaking about his cameos in HTTM2) Clark likes to dance, plug movies & shows he doesn’t watch, and getting a whole new set of friends every 3rd week or so. He also doesn’t have Twitter, Instagram, nor does he smoke weed. He does however fax people though. Apparently shooting scenes in the actual hot tub sucks ass. The water is “tepid”, the consistency of soup, and constantly getting nastier because they don’t change it out or anything.
Tim bought a book for you and your mom!
Turns out Anderson Silva failed two drug tests administered by the Nevada State Athletic Commission, which isn’t helping his stance at all really. Tim Commerford is in studio, he can’t vote and he can’t talk about why. He was the bassist and backing vocalist for Rage Against the Machine and was also in Audioslave, Puscifer, and now is in Future User. He’s a very politically conscience and paranoid person now, he thinks the CIA has been listening in on his phone, claims the RATM chatroom was shut down by the CIA, and he’s the dude with a vert ramp at his house in Malibu. He’s just coming off a back surgery, he’s into some extreme mountain biking, and is an action sports junky in general. Tim learned about EllisMania and wants in on the action because he used to lay claim that he was the baddest white dude in a band and already started sizing up other celebrities he could fight. Ellis suggested Mike Vallely, Tim doesn’t know who he is, but he’s not scared and wants to fight him. Tim once saw Danzig’s keyboardist & traced the wire to the soundboard and unplugged and sat back watching Danzig flipping the fuck out. So he did the only thing that made sense, he kept unplugging the keyboardists wire and watching Danzig have his meltdowns. That’s fucking hilariously awesome. I like this dude for that alone. Steroids piss him off. He see’s people on them being genetic freaks, he doesn’t think our government should be talking about steroids in sports while there are more serious issues at hand, and he thinks all sports are full of shit on their stance on steroids since many of the players get a heads up before their test is going to happen. He pointed the guys to a Google search of gene doping which produced freakish images of animals, and this is what humans are doing now and so far it seems to be undetectable by today’s testing in sports. Ellis wants to do blood doping now for his fight at EllisMania, Tully wants to do it now for his selfies game, which is completely next level. Some jiggly titted Christian chick doesn’t believe dinosaurs existed and that paleontologists are just in it for the money. I mean, we all know how rich those paleontologists are! And there you have it, my recap live from Las Vegas. This is so weird…