Hey, it’s Wednesday so that means another re-cap from yours truly, AZ_RedDragon! Oh wait…turns out he’s too busy sticking his dick in armadillos and shoving cactus plants up his ass, so I’m here to save the day. Ellis opened the show today by playing some Slipknot, which apparently is the single-most terrifying band in the world according to Andrew the Giant. Why, you ask? Because they wear masks. Turns out Andrew has a crippling fear of people in masks and as we found out, pretty much anything and everything that isn’t Katy Perry or shitty country music. Seriously. The list of things that he’s not afraid of is shorter than the one of what he is scared of. Metal music, Halloween, cats, loud noises, robotic Disney characters, people touching his shoulder from behind, people in facepaint, the list goes on and on. The bottom line is Andrew the Giant is a giant pussy. So here’s what we’re going to do: bring masks to EllisMania, sneak up on him whenever we can, and just fuck with him all weekend. We’re gonna have some fun with this.
Chuck the Rat and his gang of hell spawn have come for your soul.
After the break, MMA fighter and Kit Cope’s favorite person to knock out at EllisMania, Mike Jasper, called into the show and talked about Ellis’ 10-man fight that he and Kit have been coordinating for EM. Ellis is speculating that Mike, Kit, and Caveman Coffee mastermind, Keith “The Dean of Mean Coffee Beans” Jardine will surprise him and be some of his opponents. Mike also talked about his upcoming fight, which will be held at The Hangar in Costa Mesa, California this Friday. If you can make it, go and support one of our own. Speaking of MMA, unless you were in a cave yesterday, you know that both Anderson Silva and Nick Diaz failed their pre-fight drug tests from their recent bout. Anderson got popped for steroids and, in what is easily the least shocking bit of news this century, Nick tested positive for pot. This got the guys talking about what MMA would be like if steroid use was legal, and it would pretty much be Bloodsport times ten. In other words, the coolest shit ever. Once roids become commonly accepted in society, super roided out people will start having genetically superior mutant babies that will decimate all of the non-roided people thus taking over the world. Andrew the Giant Vagina came into the studio and the guys realized that he has never hit the punch pad, so Kevin grabbed the pad and egged him on by talking about masks. 84. Yes, you read that right. He tied UFC champion TJ Dillishaw for the all-time punch pad record. Maybe we should re-think that whole sneaking up and scaring him thing. I like my face and don’t need it caved in.
We returned from break with a bit of Hollywood news featuring Paris Hilton’s younger brother, Conrad. Yeah I had no idea he existed either, but anyway this shithead got blitzed on a plane and started yelling at the flight staff and passengers “I will fucking own you, you fucking peasants!”. To be fair, he’s right. His family has earned enough money off of monopolizing the hotel market and his sister’s night-vision dick sucking to buy all of us. World’s Greatest Wednesday made it’s return to the show and we were all tasked with coming up with the world’s greatest way to scare Andrew. There were tons of elaborate schemes that would make him piss his pants, but the best ones were the simple ones like forcing him to watch E.T., He-Man, or ALF. Truly terrifying stuff.
The true face of terror.
After the final break, Ellis and Kevin tested out a new sex toy that claims to be superior to The Fleshlight called The Perfect Stroke. This device claims to be able to work even for guys with Erectile Dysfunction thanks to “suction technology”. That’s right, all of you limp dick losers out there can finally get off too. Ellis and Kevin were tasked with trying them out from a flaccid state and Ellis managed to achieve a semi within a couple pumps, whereas all Kevin managed to do was make the vagina suck itself into the tube. I don’t know what Kevin has down there, but apparently it’s terrifying enough to make sex organs recoil in fear. Just like my dick when I see your mum’s face. If you want to get one for yourself, go to zerotolerance.com. Finals calls wrapped things up and that does it for today’s show. If there’s one thing we learned from today’s show , it’s that Andrew is a giant bitch who is scared of his own shadow and is terrified of Sesame Street characters. That and the fact that Kevin’s penis can scare away inanimate objects.