As Andrew the Vagiant knows all too well, we’re all fireworks, baby. Singing pair of tits, Katy Perry, opened up the show with her anthem about being a chemical reaction that quite frankly is underwhelming when you really think about it. Fuck being a firework, I’d rather be a Hellfire missile. Think about it: they travel at incredible speeds, look badass, and cause as much destruction as your mum at Old Country Buffet. Unlike Katy Perry, Ellis thinks we’re all shooting stars and everything is connected and I’m the tree, the tree is me blahh blahh blahh. Tully has been going to yoga a lot lately and he totally wants to bang his instructor, but he’s resisting his 2.8% caveman DNA that is telling him to mount that shit like there’s no tomorrow. Ellis had a crazy dream that involved him getting stopped by the cops while riding a bike on the boardwalk. The cops thought he looked suspicious and were going to bust him for smelling like pot, but he woke up before anything happened. He fell back asleep and found himself at a crazy, Hot Wheels style racetrack with none other than Jason motherfuckin’ Statham, who looked like he was getting married on a mountaintop. A bit of drama broke out at the Ellis household last night when Devin decided to lie about moving the dog bowl to the point that Ellis started to believe her over Katie, which didn’t make things better. The Tully household also had some drama over Linsanity having his toast cut in half because FUCK YOU AND YOUR TOAST, DAD! YOU’RE NOT MY FRIEND! Ellis is fully prepared for EMX and still has no idea what opponents are in store for him. I really hope Stone Cold Steve Austin comes out riding a Coors Light truck and starts stunning everybody in sight.
After the break, everyone’s favorite suicidal Basset hound, Droopy, came in for a bit of Droopy News: a rare monkey at a British zoo fell into the otter pond and was eaten alive, a NJ teen who made a PSA on gang violence was shot and killed days later, a North Carolina man got a call that his house burned down and the next day got a call that his office building also burned down, a family fearing the apocalypse decided to eat poison because they’re fucking stupid, and finally, Pamela Anderson married that guy from the Paris Hilton sex tape for the third time and, to the shock of everyone, decided to get a divorce for the third time. Somewhere Tommy Lee is laughing his ass off and honking boat horns with his dick. The guys asked people to call-in if they’ve ever heard voices in their head and turns out there’s a fuck ton of crazy people out there. I’ve heard voices in my head, but the only thing they’ve told me is to plow your sister. 50 Shades of Grey, the book that made women reading porn on public transportation trendy, is set to see the release of its movie adaptation this weekend and everyone predicts it will break records despite being a steaming pile of shit. ‘MURICA!
We returned from the break with some news from Wilson Fucklord Pendarvis Harper: a study showed that English accents are apparently the most attractive with American, Irish, Aussie, and French rounding out the top five, the U.S is sending “tank-busters” to Europe for some reason (most likely to fight Dracula), three people had the winning numbers for the Powerball lottery, that Kingsmen movie is apparently the first movie to show President Obama being assassinated, some guy became the first to have a penis reduction surgery thus making him Franken-Dick, teenage boys are buying condoms that are too big because they’re stupid, a Russian woman died when she decided to charge her iPhone while taking a bath and it fell in, a woman will become the first person with Down Syndrome to walk the aisle at the NY Fashion Show, and Pennsylvania students were given word search puzzles based on 50 Shades of Grey. You’re never too young to learn about bondage. The guys went over the Wheel of Doom and updated some of the tortures, which included writing your name with a pen in your butt as demonstrated by our very own Cumtard the Cumtardian.
He’s our special boy.
After the final break, we saw the return of Unsigned Bands. It was terrible. The end. If you don’t already know, there won’t be a live show Friday, Monday, or Tuesday. Ellis will be racing against 13 year olds on Friday and is looking to kick some ass. Final calls wrapped things up and brought the show to a close. Since this will be the last re-cap until Wednesday, I’m going to take this opportunity to wish you all a Happy Valentine’s Day. May you get banged out like the filthy whore you are. Or just pull up some porn and make love to your hand like I plan on doing. See you motherfuckers next week! Me love you long time!
