What the fuck is it about dudes over the age of 50 feeling the need to walk around the gym locker room with their balls hanging out? Seriously, I don’t need to have some old, wrinkly balls hanging halfway to the floor next to me while I’m tying my shoes. If I wanted to be mentally scarred like that I’d just look at pictures of your mum. Ellis is continuing his training for EMX so that he can be ready to beat the brakes off of ten unlucky bastards. The guys discussed the best way to go about revealing the order of Ellis’ opponents and I couldn’t help picturing it being like WWE’s Royal Rumble, where there’s a countdown to the next opponent and it’s a mystery as to who it will be. Imagine if we could get good ol’ JR to call the fight and have stone Cold Steve Austin come out and start delivering Stunners to everyone around him. One can dream. The show will be live from the AVN Awards tomorrow, so good luck to AZ as he has to try and make a full re-cap out of pornstar giggles and blown-out audio. Ellis watched a movie about Stephen Hawking last night and that got the guys talking about how he used to frequent swinger clubs. Imagine him rolling in slowly with a raging hard-on and seducing throngs of women with his sultry robot voice. So hot. This all reminded Tully of a story about a 12 year old boy who went into a coma and came out in a vegetative state that he was stuck in for over a decade. This poor guy was fully aware mentally, but couldn’t move or communicate at all. To make matters worse, his family insisted that he loved Barney and thus made him watch it constantly. Turns out the guy absolutely hated it, but couldn’t do a damn thing about it. Pure. Fucking. Hell.
The face of an unstoppable fuck machine.
After the break, Will joined the guys for a game in which they had to decide whether something happened in Australia or Alabama, since both countries are ridiculously similar in their redneck ways. Some highlights include: a man called “Prick-asso” who paints with his dick, a man who drove (not flew) a plane from the airport to the bar, a grown man who wanted a circumcision but ended up getting his dick cut off, a billboard that featured a quote from Hitler and some smiling kids, and laws that forbid kids from buying cigs but allows them to smoke them. The guys were also tasked with guessing whether some 100% real town names were in Aussie or Bama. The town names included: 1770, Boartush, Bong Bong, Diaper, Jim Cumbilly, Scratch Ankle, Semen, Smelly, Smut Eye, and Tom Ugly. Alabama and Australia, kissing cousins through and through. The UFC will be in Sweden this weekend, so the guys went over the upcoming fights and all of that jazz.
We return from break with Will once again joining the guys in the studio. This time they’re going over new music and deciding whether it fits Faction. It all sucked. Every single bit of it. Ellis wants to come out to Meatloaf’s “Bat Out of Hell”, but Will protested saying that if anyone should come out to the Loaf, it’s him. He’s got a point, I mean he does look just like the guy. Some new Wolfknives were given their names: Racist with Wood, Boner Donor, Itchy Ballbag, Dick Arrangement, Bill 1, Bucket of Fuck, Johann Sebastian Chicken, Ballbag Faggins, and HIV Curious. After Tully’s wonderful experience with a professional cracked-out Elmo at Linsanity’s b-day party, he decided to make a list of some of the worst crimes committed by fellow costumed characters. Essentially every person dressed up as a character on the streets is going to grope you, harass you for money, have drugs on them, or, most likely, all of the above.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? A cracked-out sexual predator apparently.
After one last break, the guys faced the task of coming up with punishments for the Wheel of Doom, which will be brought along to the AVNs and spun by pornstars. Final Calls ended the show in typical enthralling fashion. Wait. Nope. They fucking sucked and drained all of the energy from the show. Final Calls is a fucking waste and always kills the ending of the show. Alright shitstains, that does it for today’s show. Remember, only four more weeks until EMX, so you better be prepping your holes because I’m coming for them!