You know what’s funny…I never remember my fucking password to get into this site. I mean…every goddamn week I have to try three times before I get it right. Maybe I just thrive on the pressure and the tidbit of adrenaline I feel when the little red text pops up that says I only have one more try before it locks me out for four hours. Or maybe…maybe I’m just too damn blonde for my own good. I totally got locked out once and had to switch my password. It was not awesome. But anyway….welcome to your Tuesday recap of The Jason Ellis Show brought to you by some twacky blonde with marginally large boobs and a wonderful ass (which got grabbed so many times at the HorseForce NYC show…you’re welcome guys…and girls ;)

Ellis is having penis problems! Dun dun dunnnnnnnn! No…not really…but lately more than ever Ellis has been noticing that his penis has a wide range of sizes. Ellis isn’t really off-put by his fluctuating penis size (he’s more perturbed by trying to say ‘fluctuate’ actually) but he has in fact noticed. Tully brings up that sometimes he gets a hard shaft and a soft head, but it’s something can be remedied and that he thinks there’s just a time that comes in every man’s life where he is no longer able to achieve full bone. Ellis is hearing none of that. At all. And we know that’s because Ellis thinks that he is old and is going to die before everyone else (silly Big Daddy J) but Ellis says that no man who fights for his right to full bone will ever fully lose the ability, godammit. And I’m pretty sure if I were a dude I would say the same thing…I mean…my vagina isn’t ever gonna stop being a hole, right? Will is more in agreement with Tully and says he thinks that it’s not outrageous to think that a man in his late 60s would lose the ability to get a rager any time he wanted/needed one. I don’t think he actually said rager, but I know he was thinking it, rager is the kind of word Will would use to awkwardly describe an erect dick. And yeah, there are, of course medical reasons and medications that can affect a man’s ability to go full bone, but that’s why we have those wonderful little blue pills and then the little pills that are whatever color Cialis is, and those kinda sketchy pills you can buy at sex ships, liquor stores, and every single gas station on Long Island (I speaks what’s I knows)…so full bones at will should be no problem for no man who really wants them.

Enter stage left the man who knows all things full bone and bone pills and pills in general- Jude, cause timing is everything ladies and gentleman. Rude Jude uses all kinds of dick pills and knows the ins and outs of mixing them with other drugs and why you should probably never take Cialis and ecstasy on your way to go get some good old rub and tug. It doesn’t end all that well and you kind of freak out whatever person is doing the rubbing and tugging because she can feel your heartbeat in every inch of your burning skin. But, hey, that was eight years ago and we all know that Jude has come a long way since then. Lol. Now he dabbles in the land of knowing which pills you can buy from the liquor store that help you nut faster cause sometimes you’re having sex with a girl and she puts on My Left Foot with Daniel Day Lewis for background noise and it’s really hard to cum when there’s a retarded person in the room (disclaimer: his words, not mine) and you need to get the nut out any way that you can. See…he has come so very far.

They move on for a minute to talking about how the Bua and Jude show went because Ellis is really excited to hear it and he really wants to listen to it and see how it all turned out. Jude seems pretty positive about it, and Jude’s a pretty solid dude so I’m backing that, but allegedly Bua is slightly concerned about Jude’s drug use. But Ellis isn’t concerned about it Anne would be the first person to tell one of his friends that they needed to get a handle on their shit, and he feels like Jude has a good solid handle on his shit, for what it’s worth. They also touch on This Boyce Life for a moment because apparently Boyce completely though that Jude was a black guy and referred to him as ‘the dark gentleman from Shady 45’ and Ellis said he thought it was weird that Boyce didn’t know that Jude was a white guy since he’s supposedly a fan o TJES but that’s not really here nor there. Ellis also wonders about why people always seem to think that Jude is black, but then again, the first time he ever heard Jude speak is while he was looking Jude in the face. I remember the first time that I heard Jude on the show…and then the first time that I googled him because I had developed my little crush on him and I was all like…Holy crap he’s white!!!! So I understand what Jason cannot. They get on to the subject from there, somehow, about how Jude’s mom dated a black guy back in the day who was his age and always used to hit him up about getting G-Unit clothing and also tried selling ecstasy to Jude’s friends during his 31st birthday party. Jude talked about how he felt like he couldn’t really bit the guy because it wouldn’t change the fat that he was fucking his mom, and that’s when Ellis told him he should have because it would have made him feel Bette because there was a time when Ellis saw one of his mom’s boyfriends push her and he hit him in the face with nunchucks. Ellis went on to reassure Jude that things could be worse because his mom used to date all sorts of losers who tried to give him drugs and stuff, and none of that was even as bad as the fact that his father abused him and stuff. But whatever, because Ellis is the happiest that he’s ever been, so fuck everyone.

Back from the first break Tully lets us know that there was a college student in Fresno caught having sex with sheep that belonged to the college and said that the sheep wanted it and he was stressed because of midterms. Public notice: fucking sheep is not a victimless crime….I’m pretty sure sheep don’t want to be fucked by humans no matter how much their bleats sound like pleas for human cock. But, whatever, because Steve-o is in the studio now and that’s pretty cool. Except for that whole point where his voice has that sound to it that people tend to get if they’ve spent a large part of their life doing drugs. My sister’s voice had that sound to it…it was really weird having Steve-O’s voice remind me of her. But, shit happens, I guess. The good news is that apparently Steve-O is doing good and has a lot of projects going on and has been having good meetings about those projects and has a comedy show tonight in Hollywood that a lot of big and important people are going to be at specifically to see if he has the chops for one of those big special network Comedy Specials that are all the rage in the comedy community. He should go for one of those Netflix specials if he can…that would be pretty sweet. They spent a good amount of time talking about stupid shit that Steve-O and the others did during their tenure of being professional Jackasses and Wild Boyz and how they got blamed for a lot of stupid teenagers doing stupid things and now every single mother fuck wi a camera phone does stupid shit and it’s all the rage and no one is getting blamed for anyone. Turns out people doing moronic and dangerous things is just what happens when everyone everywhere has access to a camera and the internet. Everyone knows those are the best YouTube videos. They ended Steve-O’s appearance with a session of Dude, Is It Gay, and I really do understand why Ellis doesn’t really like doing the segment anymore because all of the calls they took basically were for the same thing and it’s kind of lame when that happens. Steve-O also guest-listed Ellis and Katie for his comedy show tonight because it’s sold out, but Ellis wanted to go and Steve-Onwas able to hook that up.

Back from the break, Tully graced us with some more wonderful quotes courtesy of the Smith children- Jaden and Willow, from a recent New York Times interview they gave…and holy fuck, they are insane. I mean, either they are honest to god geniuses (unlikely) or they are so next level pretentious and so secure in the knowledge that they are absolutely better than everyone else on the planet (much more likely) that it is actually insane. They are spouting shit about quantum physics and time being an illusion (technically true) and how they are too cool for school and it’s all a sham….and…my mind is a little blown by it all. I think Will might be right and they two of them together may be the antichrist. I mean…who the fuck do these kids think they are? And if they are so much more enlightened and better than everyone else, then why the fuck do they hang around with the younger Kardashian sisters? What the ever loving fuck? I can’t…i can’t even deal with this level of nonsense.

in other news…both Will and Hotdog called phone sex operators and recorded their conversations and they got very different results. Will actually managed to call a phone sex line and was unable to get phone sex, and Hotdog….I think Hotdog should go into comedy. There’s still a big market for that raunchy unbelievable comedy and Hotdog and his Donkey dick and three balls would fit right in. Will’s girl sounded like someone typing in lines for a computer speaker to spit out…just completely fake….on top of the fact that she was totally focused on asking him how much money he made and why he didn’t have any girls after him if he was so successful in his field. It was so very painful…Will kept sighing and being ridiculously awkward and I’m pretty sure even the oblivious bimbo that he was talking to was completely aware that he could not wait to get off of the phone with her. HotDog was much, much more successful. He played the character ‘Randy’ a round fellow with three balls and erectile dysfunction who wanted to fuck her in her ass so long as there were bears in the cave. When he told her had three balls that were the size of pool cues and then told her to juggle them like a clown….I nearly died. It was masterful. Yet another reason to love Hotdog. He had a second phone call where the woman couldn’t wait to tell him about the surprise she had for him in her panties, which was a big hard rod with a mushroom shaped helmet on top and then he asked her to fuck him in the butt with it while he grunted and breathed all heavy and Will tried to leave the room because he was disturbed. Andrew the giant popped his head in to make sure that he knew that he was next to Hotdog while the phone call was made so try to imagine listening to that all go down while having Hotdog stare directly at him. So awkward. Ellis told Will that he was going to have to give it another go and the other guys were all going to give it a try as well…so look forward to hearing that late this week as well.

Also, during this segment No You Are got a wonderful bunch o’ love from TJES and played some audio that our almighty oracle Bitpimps out together of All the times Will said wow in a segment and it was fantastic. Ellis then went on to say that he wants to do an interview for the site and BOOM SO MANY WITNESSES SO NOW IT HAS TO HAPPEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #NYAWinningAtLifeAndTheInternet

Rounding out the show we heard songs that the guys had all rounded up for Ellis to give a listen to to see if they were appropriate to be played on Faction with Jason Ellis and….no….no they weren’t. Except for a Kendrick Lamar song and a mastadon song they all got the boot. Ellis took a couple of final calls that went the way that final calls generally do, and that was all, Folks!!!!!!!! Until next time…

xoxo, gossip girl :p