Christian James Hand: Is He A Terrorist?

We got the chance to ask Christian James Hand (aka Shoebox) a few questions. Sure, we were whisked away to a secret location (the red carpet) with ski masks on our heads, but it was worth it. He’s been a part of the “crew” since the Tainstick days and of course Death! Death! Die! Now, we get to the real man behind the drum kit & sound production. And the low vocals. Don’t worry, it’s an inside joke. He probably hates it.

You’re of British/English descent. Most people hear that you have “some kind of accent” but don’t realize you grew up speaking the King’s English and putting “U’s” in words that only Brits & Canadians can identify with. Three part question. When did you move to the US? When did the accent start to disappear? And, do you still bust out the accent to get laid?
i moved to the US in ’83, i think. Straight to the John Hughes’ film that was Long Island in the 80’s. An incredible time. i opted out of having an accent because most Americans can be REALLY fucking annoying if u have an English accent. i don’t really use it to get laid, that’s what my cock is for, but i HAVE used it to get an upgraded rental car and to get upgraded on a couple of flights. It does work.


No, seriously. Look.

Why do you hate Tully so much?
i hate Tully because he is the smartest, fasted, cunt i’ve ever been in a room with. His mind is blindingly fast.

Years ago, there was a period of tension between you and Ellis / the band. Was it creative differences or was it the allegation of headphone theft, or something else?
The “tension” between Ellis and i revolved around “Headphone Gate”, which was manufactured by Stretch. He dropped the ball on getting the ‘phones shipped to NY for Cullen and Czech, i needed them for a session, they were in a pile of unused shite in the hallway at the old studio so i grabbed them with a plan to return them when the session was over, shouldn’t have done that. My bad. There was always TONS of discarded shit lying around the place so i thought that they were just part of the random stuff. Ellis went to NY and found out that they hadn’t been sent to NY for months and called to find out why. Stretch said that i’d opened a box CLEARLY marked “Send to NY” and “stole” them. Total bullshit. The minute that Pendivillewitz called me to ask if i’d seen them i said “Yes” and that i’d bring them back and send them to NY myself, which i did. There’s a reason i’m still involved in the show and that person isn’t. Ellis and i talked it out and all is Wine and Roses.

Speaking of the band, there was a significant jump in members. Were you responsible for getting some “heavy hitters” to participate? And what are your thoughts about “Teen Wolf” replacing “Tussin Wolf”? It’s gotta be a joke, right? He’s like 12 years old?
Ellis drafted in the Heavy Hitters on the last D!D!D! album. It’s one of the advantages of the show getting so much bigger, we get to have some AWESOME people involved. i love that last record! The guests on that moved the goal-posts for us. Teen Wolf? The thing that annoys me about that shit is that the cunt is SO FUCKING HANDSOME!! He should also have to wear a helmet when we play live.

You’ve been lucky enough to date some guests that have rolled through the studio. However, your current girlfriend, to our knowledge, has never been on-air. At least not in any significant capacity on TJES. How did you meet her?
i have only dated one guest, and we all know who THAT is. Btw – whatever you’ve heard, it’s ALL true. My current girlfriend has been on-the-air a couple of times, but it was stealthy and the situation is a bit complicated. Next question.

As a kid growing up in England what was your perception of the United States?
i was FASCINATED with The States. You have to imagine a young kid growing up in the grey of the UK and only seeing the US through the prism of “The Dukes of Hazzard”, “The Love Boat”, “Wonder Woman” etc. It looked like an incredible, legendary, magical place. Plus my Dad was frequently coming here for work so he would return with gifts (Some marshmellow spread shit that blew EVERYONE’S minds, i think it was called “Fluff”) and photos and stories. i couldn’t wait to get here. i wanted two things; Catherine Bach and a Muscle-Car. i am still blown away by the journey that has bought me to LA with a view of the Hollywood sign from my apt window. i often fantasize about going back to the UK and sitting in my old room with 10 year old me and telling him what our life is like. He’d be fucking stoked!!


A man needs time to reflect.

You have got to be aware that there are many ladies of the EllisFam that would love to jump your bone and tickle your pickle. What’s it like being an EllisFam sex symbol?
i am incredibly flattered and equally as confused by this question.

Does the pinnacle of your career endeavors end as a SiriusXM DJ and guest host on The Jason Ellis Show or do you aspire to do something more.
My “career” is in a weird spot currently. The music thing has been a bit of a let-down, to be honest. All i have ever wanted to is be a DJ on the radio and that i love, however, working in the Music Business and making records for these cunts at the Majors has soured me on the entire Producer thing. i don’t know what to do next. i am so grateful to be on the show with Ellis and Tully and i am so glad that i am getting to move into the role of “Music Guy”, it’s really all i care about, but it’s not full-time as a “cast member” and if i’m not going to want to make records anymore, i don’t know what i want to do next. Shepherd?


The Rick Savage days.

Domino. Is there anything you feel like discussing there? You seemed to be attracted to her particularly, you even mentioned it a few times on-air. Anything come of that?
Nothing ever came of the Domino thing. If i was gonna fuck a tranny (i know i’m not supposed to call her that), she’d probably be the one. Unless Vanity wants a shot. Domino has one of the greatest asses ever.

You’re like the GPS of Hollywood events that create traffic near or around you. Is that any better than Will listening to a police scanner? Do you feel like he’s more deprived than you?
Living in my ‘hood is Love & Hate. Wowzers. It IS awesome, but it is also the biggest fucking nightmare EVER!! Every premiere, The Oscars, parades – all wreak havoc. BUT it is the only place in LA that feels like a city. It’s a postage-stamp sized piece of Time Square and i love it. Will, however, is WAY worse off than me. i, at least, live 7 stories up, removed from the shit. He’s much closer to the ground.

Has there ever been tension between you and Dingo for third chair supremacy on the show? If not, can we create some?
i hate Dingo almost as much as Tully. i will not give that cunt anymore free press by discussing him in this interview. Did i mention that he is both Gay and Left-Handed? Total asshole. Nice hair. Ferg.

Your musical segments on the show have been very well received by the fans, Jason and Tully. Do you think you’ve found the right format for these, or do you have plans to evolve or expand them in any way? Any other themes you would like to explore?
As i’ve said, i LOVE doing the music segments. i never imagined that the “Stripped Vocal” thing would work. That was ALL Ellis and it was a brilliant idea. i just love being able to get listeners excited about music and performers, to tell the stories. It’s an amazing thing. i would love to do a New Music Podcast, i’ve been looking into it. The laws are Draconian fucking bullshit.

You have the widest variety of musical taste I have ever seen, from metal to funk and soul. if you had to listen to one genre for the rest of your life, what would it be? What genre would be playing in your own personal hell and why?
i would say New Country. Fucking pablum. Rascal Flatts?!?! Fuck off. Gahbudge. Soulless shite. A total joke.

It’s 1955, and you have to kill one: Paul McCartney, Mick Jagger or Gene Simmons. Who do you pick?
Gene Simmons. Period. He’s done more for Marketing than Music. Douche of Douches. “Love Gun”? Child. (This coming from one of the idiots who wrote “Load”. Glass houses my friend, glass houses)

What has been your greatest accomplishment in your life as of now?
My “Greatest Accomplishment To Date”? Hmmmmm. i would have to say it would be making it to 45 and still being allowed to make a living doing what i love. Many people i see don’t get that gift and it makes me really sad. It seems like people lose perspective about this being the ONLY time you get to be on this amazing planet doing amazing shit in THIS stoopid flesh-bag!! i never wanted to look back and wonder “What if?” But is is NOT easy. Hardest thing ever. Nobody wants you to succeed. The system is rigged.

What has been your most difficult life hurdle to get where you are now?
i have Asperger’s and that makes life pretty weird. Things that normal people don’t struggle with are fucking CHAOS for us poor Aspies (i hate that term). Relationships and friendships are tough. i can be an exhausting person to have in your life. i count my blessings that people keep me around. Don’t get me started on what happens when your Trader Joe’s closes and you have to start using another one. FUCK!!! Talk to my girlfriend about THAT one.

If you could remove one single thing from existence, a person, idea, type of food, etc, what would it be and why?
i would remove Religion. Terrible idea with consequences that nobody saw coming.

Did your radio career start at Sirius XM? How did you get your start?
My “Radio Career” started in college and then in Westchester, NY on a station called X107. i was the Over-Night Guy and then got moved to Afternoons. That station flipped Country so i was then moved out here to be the Night Slammer on our sister station Y107, that station flipped Spanish, so i was fired. i did weird shit for a few years and then my old boss, S. Blatter got me hired on Faction. That was 6 years ago or something. Time flies. Wow. Can i take a moment to state, for the record, that John Duncan is the dumbest cunt i’ve ever met in radio? And i’ve met my fair share. Thanx, i needed that.

Let’s pretend Ellis got his own channel (not just online). Would you be open to having an hour show on it? Would you ever consider co-hosting a show on that channel with Judo?
i would kill to be on-the-air with Jude. Incredible human-being. Jimminy!! We could do a helluva morning show, except he’d never be on time, probably wouldn’t even show up, but when he did!! WATCHOUT!! i would also like to do a 2 hour New Music Show on this Ellis channel, maybe Sunday nights. Can i get an application?



Thanks to Christian for stopping by the show more often with his own signature segments, for helping test studio security, and for taking the time to do this Q & A session for NYA. He may have allegedly banged way more famous & hot chicks than any of us, he might even also call soccer “football” or even “footy”, but he’s very good at what he does, is entertaining, and has taken steps to not sound like Johnny Rotten. Plus we’ve never heard him say “bollocks” on-air. OH!

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