With each visit, Sam Rubin is becoming more and more like Ed McMahon, but thinks he’s Johnny.
It’s Monday. So what. EllisMania 9 is the weekend. That’s what. God made a seem in your balls, it gives the illusion of 2 nice normal balls, even if you have 7 small balls. Chicks don’t really get how men don’t feel their balls moving around while walking, we’re just used to our balls. Katie and Andrea have become friends who talk to each other at soccer games, about how Ellis farts in his sleep. Ellis was on Loveline last night. Kardashian something or another. I don’t care. But why doesn’t Ellis get hired as a talk show host? He’ll even wear a wig, damn it! And the answer is, because God is a motherfucker. Ellis sparred a dude today who took his anger out on Ellis, but ended up apologizing for doing so. We heard some more audio from Ellis’ recent visit on KTLA, which ended up ushering in the first guest, fuckin Sam fuckin Rubin. He talked about how Ellis’ business manager plays Mahjong with Sam’s wife or some shit. Apparently Ellis’ business manager also managed Rick James, bitch. Sam also talked about how he’s starting to get a little concerned about his fight with Tera Patrick, which leaves me left wondering if he ever really sparred Bob Dylan or not. Funny enough, during the Kardashian discussion earlier, the guys were talking about how celebrities can’t host talk shows because they constantly end up steering the conversation back to be about themselves. And sure enough, that’s exactly what Sam kept doing at first, it always went back to be about him. I’m sure in life, he’s a real nice guy, he’s had Ellis on his show several times. I’m probably in the minority with my opinion of Sam, or maybe I’m just being a bitch, but he annoys me. Anyway, more power to him.
I’m fantasizing about one of the MMA chicks kicking Sam in the nuts.
Shit. A story about Lindsay Lohan with Sam still in studio. Again, he says he’s “happy to open the door for Ellis to let him charge through”, name dropped some names, and took credit for giving the world Ryan Seacrest, among others. What a modest fellow. Julianna Pena, from The Ultimate Fighter, and another fighter chick that didn’t make it into the house (Colleen Schneider), came onto the show. I assume Sam was the one who found her, trained her, and got her on to the show. They talked about fighting men, getting punched in the boobs, EllisMania 9, and types of guys they date. Sam is still stuck on boobs, worried he’s going to punch Tera in the boob and explode her implant. He kept ratcheting up the creep factor by constantly asking either of the girls to be his corner person during his fight. Ellis let both girls kick him at the same time, one on each leg and that turned out to be not such a good idea as they didn’t seem to hold back much. Julianna hit the punch-o-meter pad and scored a 60 on her first shot, which ended up being her best and may have put her on top of all females who have hit the pad. Ellis almost lost his composure after finding out that the girls do sometimes use their MMA during sex acts to control their partner. And then Ellis really lost his shit when he found out that Colleen had a bleeding box after a knee strike to her cookie during a fight.
Just waiting for Sam to leave.
YEAH! Sam’s gone!
A Brazilian man was murdered by weed. There was a roadblock and he made a run for it, then he crashed and the half ton load of that sticky icky crushed his ass. My only question is, did his friends then smoke him, making that the first stoner to ever fulfill the fantasy of having their friends smoke them when they die. This brought us to discussion about Tully and Rawdog watching The Boondock Saints over the weekend. Spoiler alert if you’ve been living under a fucking rock. Rawdog did not hate it, but he kept comparing it to Pulp Fiction in his head and felt it borrowed a lot from that film. Another thought he had was “holy shit, this is the most Irish movie ever” but liked the tone the movie was going for at first. He also liked that the director left it open for interpretation at the end as to whether the viewer was for or against the saints, which he was against as he thought they were just vigilante killers. This is where Tully disagreed, he thought the saints didn’t take their lives too seriously and knew they were getting lucky to be coming away unscathed and that they were just going around doing what they thought was right. He also thought the 5-story fall was pretty far-fetched because the guy didn’t die. And then there was the gay detective, Tully feels this movie must have been written by a homosexual because of how that whole dynamic played out. Turns out the guy that wrote the movie, Troy Duffy, ended up being a huge asshole to everyone once he sold the script of the movie and now he’s just a huge asshole with no friends. And that’s was where The Boondock Saints discussion ended.
If this recap blows, I blame Sam, fuckin’ Sam fuckin’ Rubin.
The quasi famous, drunken, feral pig in Australia known for steeling beer and fighting cows has died at the hands of a truck, leaving behind a pile of bacon bits. This led us into a round of brand new Wolfknives members being named – the highlight of which could very well have been the idea of having back acne made of gold. That or maybe the guy that said he was a doctor and record label owner. Or maybe it was when Rawdog said that fish don’t have teeth. Or maybe it was the cauliflower pussy joke Tully has been sitting on ever since Colleen talked about MMA on her box. I don’t know, you make the call. Katie came in today so she could take her turn after Tully, both doing their Onnit™ Look Good Naked challenge. Juilanna Pena was anxious to ask Katie how she felt when Ellis starts talking about an ugly chick, which doesn’t typically bother her because there’s usually some kind of creepy involved which is right in her wheelhouse, so-to-speak. After all, she know’s a dude with 3 balls, Buck Manley. But he has nothing on a real man with a real truck.
This finally brought us to the very first call of the show, which also preempted final calls and a possible twerk session featuring Rawdog’s allegedly flabby ass cheeks. The real highlight was a caller who wanted some hemorrhoid talk with 3 ladies in the room. This really put Ellis in the mood considering the in studio audience, but he handled it like a champ. Don’t forget about the EllisMania 9 PSA’s for all your information regarding the who’s, the what’s, the when’s, the why’s, etc. And since Sam was on for half the show, I had time to think about some of the more important issues facing the world and I think I’ve found one for you philanthropists out there. If Africa had more mosquito nets, then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of AIDS. OH!
HAHAAAA! Fuck you, fuckin’ Sam fuckin’ Rubin!