Welcome to the Jason Ellis Show…we’ll be right back!!! Just kidding. Except, not really. Because that’s what happened since people hear “this is perfect” and “this is the best that it’s ever been” and think that they should touch buttons and change things to drive Ellis insane.
And to fill that dead space and cut to music I’m gonna make an announcement. I’m announcing me (and blaming it on xx chromosomal narcissim). It’s official, if you are reading this on Thursday, or more likely Friday morning, you’re in for your weekly dose of jenni :) Bwah-ha-ha.
Back to Ellis: in the dark. There’s a special guest star bumblebee in the studio today, to the annoyance of Ellis, but he doesn’t want to blame anyone because he’s responsible because no one knows Mr. Random Guy Taking the Blame- they know Ellis. It’s his fault. Let’s all take a breath and get over it because technical difficulties happen to us all and lets be thankful it didn’t equate to the blue screen of death and leave me sitting here pondering if I should be trying to recap Thursday’s impromptu ‘Best Of’. I would try…and it would be like reading a schizophrenic’s dreamscape word salad.
Ellis didn’t sleep last night because SOMEONE didn’t get his sleeping pills, but he still trained, and so he’s tired. No wonder he’s cranky over the bumblebee sound. Tully found a little thing in his balls while fondling them, had his ancient Urologist fondle them also, and so this morning he had his balls fondled by a nice older lady who lubed him up to Dave Matthews mood music before proceeding to a sac photoshoot. That’s hot.
How old do you have to be before you are officially old? Howard Stern is almost old. Paul Schaefer (born of Liberacci and father to Stevie Wonder) is old as well, and wikipedia needs to be updated to include the fact that he is the man who invented music because he co-wrote ‘It’s Raining Men’. It’s looking like 60 is the magic number that makes you old, even though Ellis looks at 63 and thinks that isn’t that old (because Tully says Ellis is getting old), but Josh is the young one and says that anyone over 50 is old to him.
Can there be a porn channel where the women have sad vaginas? I believe if you let your dial come around to the Cosmo Channel you will find your answer.
Wilson once went on the air in Memphis Tenessee and accidently told listeners that B.B. King had died, and was called by BB’s family saying, “What the hell is wrong with you, he’s alive, why are you crazy?!?” But he just shrugged it off and blamed it on listeners not knowing what they’re listening to. They’re only listening. Listeners listen so intently that some of them have realized Jason Ellis has been replaced by a fruit loving pod person who spends too much time being crazy about fruit and maybe they should all start being serious and not tell anymore jokes.
Talking about masturbating children and ghostloads is disgusting so let’s instead talk about football, Michael Vick, and Pacquiao- who did the worst commercial of all time for a casino instead of paying his gambling debt. That’s okay though because Pacquiao is going to be a super happy old guy because he has hangers on who will sing karaoke with him in his basement, and Michael Jordan doesn’t have shit on that. Neither does Floyd Mayweather who’s a nerd just trying to seem cool and hasn’t diversified his bank accounts (because who wouldn’t love to see a bank statement reading $127,000,000.00).
TJ Lavin called the show today and he is coming to Ellismania! To keep Dingo under control for Dingo Bingo he’s going to be feeding him shots of Forgiven, to help metabolize all the alcohol he’s going to be guzzling. Tully fully endorses Forgiven (pills and now the new shots which help with the hangover after a night of drinking) and we’re all going to believe him because Tully is a problem drinker. Lavin says they’re all living the good life (except Josh, who’s like a cat) and he himself is living the good life and is still the host of The Challenge, which is the end product of all of those Real World/Road Rules mashups that I was obsessed with when I still watched television. Lavin wishes that he could be fighting at Ellismania, but he isn’t allowed since he once was in a coma following a head injury and he knows that he loves his brain enough to not get punched in D face. However he is currently feeling better than he was before he was comatose, and apparently getting knocked into a coma is a good motivator to get educated and turn yourself into a Challenge Host Juggernaut. He also got a Porsche, because he knew Ellis had one and wanted one too, and says he has to get rid of it because it just goes soooooo fast. Benji Madden also has a Porsche now. Soon all of Hollywood will be walking around eating fruit and drinking fruit flavored beverages and wearing “I’m gay for fruit” t-shirts because everyone can afford fruit but most of us can’t afford Porsche’s. I then saw a Porsche and felt like it was too expensive for me to be next to in a loud, diesel HVAC truck. That’s right, HVAC, cause I love vacuums.
Back from the break it’s time for Hollywood News. John Gosselin from John and Kate Plus 8 (not Ryan Gosling who first popped into my head because they both have duck sounding names) is waiting tables because child support for 8 kids must be really insane and he didn’t get the spin-off series after the divorce. The Situation is blaming ballroom dancing on Dancing With The Stars for getting him addicted to painkillers instead of owning the fact that he’s a nightclub moron who popped pills with a Redbull and Vodka chaser, Suge Night got arrested for driving a vehicle with no license plates in two lanes without a license, Nicki Minaj is being sued for stealing the music for ‘Starships’ by Clive Tanaka who has a melodically similar song which also sucks, Mayhem Miller has been arrested again again again for Snapchatting the girl who has a restraining order against him, Sharon Osbourne could have been Sharon Leno except Leno had her so deep in the friendzone he introduced her to his future wife, and Chief Keef- 17 year old dead beat dad of the year is refusing to pay child support because then he may not have as many stacks of hundos to flash around town. That gem incited the discussion where people should require licenses to operate their reproductive organs, an Ellis brainstorm I know, love, and agree with, because stupidity could then be bred out of humanity. Or at least America. ‘Merica. Tom Hanks and his suspiciously non-thinning hair had jury duty, Carson Daly is going to be on the Today Show, Oprah is afraid of (but simultaneously motivated) by balloons, and Lamar Odom is still smoking Oxycontin.
BREAKING NEWS!!! If you listen to the Jason Ellis Show this Friday and Monday, you’re going to have the oppurtunity to randomly call in (that’s not new) and get tickets to see Metallica perform next Saturday at the Apollo (that’s new!!!). No, DDD will not be opening for them since that would mean Jason would then be killing himself and Tully would begin his descent into the bowels of Heroin addiction, because there really would be no going up from there. Ellismania 9 just wouldn’t be the same.
Wilson not only has breaking news about ticket giveaways, he has a can! With movie titles in it for a fun game of ‘Pitch This’ where the guys operate on the premise that they are pitching a movie which is the next big thing and is a mashup of two previous hit movies. We hear pitches for LOTR meets Titanic- “Some Sort of Fantasy Boat”, 2001: A Space Legend Odyssey, Saving Private Witch Project (and yeah I want to see the American Army fighting German Witches on an island with a ghost problem because it was built on an Indian burial ground filmed from the helmet POV of one of the soldiers), Passion of the Ghostbusters featuring Ghost Jesus on a graham cracker cross and the Stay Puft Marshmallow man versus the gang, Forrest Gimp, The Shining Wizard of Oz with Jack Nicholson never freezing to death in Oz, The GoodBadUgly Psycho where Clint Eastwood refers to himself as ‘Mother’, Sly Stallone’s nightmare come to life of being just a half of a side of beef in The Sixth Sense: Rocky, and Jurassic Shark. Hell yeah, Jurassic Shark. Which is also spliced with some Planet of the Apes science making an amusement park shark attraction morph into bloodthirsty sharkmen breaking humans and turning them into pets.
Congratulations new members of the Wolfknives: Elephant Dick, Witch Cocktor, The Weatherman, Lawrence Fishbox, Sexual Rigatoni, The Buttler, Courtney Love, Bruce Lee’s Mum, Full of Diamond Shit, and Xience Pendarvis. Elephant Dick, I recommend not getting too close to Courtney Love, there could be a problem there.
Winding down the show there is a fight video for Ellismania from Chris, who’s a black guy, and is going to be doing the Musical Chair Fight. We heard some singing from Ellisfam who Ellis says will all be given the oppurtunity to sing on stage with Death! Death! Die! and find out that there is a woman down south giving massages for 300 bucks an hour…with her massive 48NN titties. Holy Shit. Google it. Ellis doesn’t seem to think that this is a good thing because it isn’t a real massage (and it’s not even though she’s really a licensed massage therapist on the wrong side of the business ethics line) and says it’d be better off if she just sat on him. Well, don’t worry Ellis, I read an article or two and she is completely willing to ‘sqaush’ you for pay and is even nice enough to try and make sure that you are still breathing afterward. It’s because of that big heart that her boobies are so big, I’m telling you.
Things we learned:
Sex makes so much more sense than kissing, males and females have interlocking parts.
Ellis shaved his butt this morning and it’s pristine.
Sharon Osbourne is 81 and looks great because that’s what happens when you’re possessed by demons.
Tim Sabean didn’t know a thing about Death! Death! Die!
It’s weird to have a bitch on the side who isn’t on Oxy…even if you’re not on them.
The MMA says, “No, thank you” to having neo-nazis on the payroll.
Devil’s Breath is some bad shit and could leave you naked, with no money and no memory of your past 36 hours.
September is Childhood Cancer Awareness Month…and Prostate Health Month…and Hispanic Heritage Month.
Jason Ellis is the King of the West and won’t leave until he has Fruit and an AIDs kidney, he’s too tired for sex, but Tully could quite possibly change his mind with his toes.