Evening shit suckers, stop rolling those turds around in bread crumbs and making shit burgers and read this shit about some radio shit and shit. Is it a good day to be you? Every day is a good day to be Jason Ellis. Well, maybe not. Most days anyway. Lots of radio talk to start off the show today. Mostly about how Howard Stern made a sweeping judgement of no more block parties for anyone on the staff because he is tired of hearing about it. I’m sure there is more to it than that, but as TJES sees it, those guys are just trying to make some money on the side and give their families a life. But, Howard has built his kingdom. And he has the final say when it comes to what people from his show do when they are using the fame they got from being on his show in the first place. Ellis said he could never see himself doing that to anyone who worked for him, and started to ponder what he was going to be like 20 years down the road. His best guess was he’d be on the radio wearing a wife beater, overalls, have a ZZ Top beard and have his entire face tattooed. The guys talked a bit about K-Roq and how Ellis met one of the guys who worked there and how the guy was saying whoever let Ellis ramble on about how shitty the bands were when he was a DJ was a ballsy motherfucker. For those of you who don’t know, Ellis got his start by being a regular DJ playing songs, but after he played something like the Offspring, he would tell the audience how shitty Offspring was and how stupid everyone who was a fan of them was for liking them. And the ballsy motherfucker who let him do it? William Pendarvis III. Balls of steel and shins of pearl, that’s the guy who gave Ellis the shot at being what we have today.
HOLLYWOOD NEWS: Sean Penn’s son, Hopper, is in a bit of shit for dropping N bombs and F bombs at a paparazzi. But, after all, his name is Hopper so we all probably could have guessed the dude had rage in him. Eva Mendez tested out her dog’s shock collar and took it all the way up to 10 before she used it, so it may not be a huge stretch for her to be in a Shockingly Hot Chick Fight at Ellismania. John Hamm(Mad Men) apparently doesn’t like wearing underwear, and his penis become a bit of an internet sensation. Remember that story about how Jared Leto said a fan sent him an ear? Yeah, me either, but as you would expect, it’s not real. To me, that guy was most likeable when his face was making contact with Edward Norton’s fist in Fight Club. Bar Rafaeli is an Israeli draft dodger, and Madonna is a ridiculously rich whore who should pay off Dionne Warwick’s bankruptcy. Kanye West is releasing a new album entitled “I Am God” so that dude seems like he has mellowed out a bit. Also, he is reportedly naming his and Kardashian’s baby “North.” North West. North West. Jason believes that when somebody comes up with such a fucking stupid and cruel name, the family really needs to step up and tell those morons that naming your baby Northwest is proof you shouldn’t be allowed to have babies at all.
The Jingleberries made this site famous again, this time the ladies were made famous. Shout out to the Jingleberries again for giving us all a little bit of a boner.
The one and only CHAD REED was on the show today. They talked about moto, injuries, moto injuries and generally just shot the shit. Remember when Ryan Villapoto said he could hear Chad Reed panic revving right before the crash that ended last year’s season? Chad Reed says he always does that. Just to let them know he’s there. What a fucking badass am I right? It’s like his very own Jaws theme music letting them know the Reed is on their ass. Guess what else? He eats at Outback Steakhouse all the time because they are always close to the tracks, and hey, get a little taste of home while you’re at it. Chad Reed doesn’t fuck around, ladies and gentleman. Proof? He once played a $5K wager on a shuffleboard game with Super Agent to the Stars Steve Astephen. He got down about $40K before he won his way back, because Astephen alllllways fucks up in the end.
Ellis wants to make it a goal to find and support new metal bands. No, I didn’t misspell “Nu Metal” bands, so don’t jerk off just yet System of a Down fans. He wants to get someone there start and be the Will Pendarvis to the band’s Jason Ellis. MOTHERFUCKER WE ALMOST GOT OUT OF THIS SHOW WITHOUT NMT. Ugh. Here we go. General wanking motion to @shit_toboggan for getting to skip out this week, I’ll take the leftovers this time motherfucker. RAPID FIRE BITCHES.
Swollen Members: Pretty awesome, fast paced rap that should be done.
Clutch: Not a terrible song, and inspired Ellis to want to play harmonica, but instead of playing, spit whiskey through it and make fireballs.
Arianna Grande: Woof.
Yelawolf: More Yelawolf for people who like Yelawolf. Not this guy. Seriously, “Don’t make me go pop the trunk?” That’s a general statement, sir. You could just be selling me girl scout cookies, in which case, I really want you to pop the trunk. You could also have actual girl scouts in there, which makes me not want you to open it.
Limp Bizkit: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA is it 1999????
Anthrax: with a pretty sweet “Jailbreak” cover.
Lil’ Wayne: Again, don’t like it, and neither did anyone else on the show.
Snoop Lion: As Tully put it: It was a bad idea, but you give him the benefit of a doubt and listen, and then confirm that yes, it was a terrible Idea.
Depeche Mode: Still gay.
Justin Timberlake: Damn, that dude’s got talent. Not a huge fan of that type of music but I’ll admit I bobbed my head.
Sevendust: Here, the God’s shined down on us and the MP3 was corrupt and wouldn’t play. THANK YOU JEEBUS! But NO! Ellis had to blame it on Josh and run him through an MMA gauntlet because Jason wanted to hear Sevendust soooo bad. Dude, take it as a sign that you don’t need to hear Sevendust’s new album! But, during the gauntlet, Josh hit the punching machine and got a 33, 35 and 55. 55???? Holy shit! Katie better watch out, because he throws two of those hammers at once! Anyway, after Jason got done torturing him, Anal Gay Lewis came through and brought Sevendust in for everyone to hear annnnnnd it sucked balls.
Pick of the Week: Some Norwegian metal band Josh likes. Not the worst thing he’s picked but all I can picture with Scandinavian metal bands is golden pigtails and wooden clogs, so it ruins it for me.
SHARK NEWS: Holy hell I swear I get Shark News no matter what day I do this. There was a story about a guy who killed his girlfriend, ran to the beach and threatened to kill himself in a standoff with police. Bad news for him, sharks swimming in the water and he ran like a little bitch into the cop’s arms. Also, a shark with two heads was found in the belly of another shark. Which, is strangely how the world found Abby and Brittany too.
Bill Gates is offering a God-awful amount of money to anyone who can come up with a condom that doesn’t suck. Rawdog admitted that one time, he was fooling around with a chick, and while he was trying to open and put the condom on, he lost his will to bang. And by that I mean he went limp. Oh, you knew what I meant? Fuck you, smartass. The remedy for that, Jason says, is to tell her to suck it while you struggle with the wrapper. Or, you know, do a God damned pushup once in a while because the shit is made of tin foil and is easy as shit to open.
Final Calls: I’m going to round this re-cap out with a small request of each and every (4) of you that are reading this. If you call the show around 4PM, you should know by now that Jason just let’s the callers ride the last minute and a half of the show out. So maybe when you call in around that time, you have something better than just “Hey man, you guys are awesome and shit and I listen every day.” You have an audience of (allegedly) millions of people and you are just wasting everyone’s fucking time. Some of us are calling in frantically trying to get in to actually do something funny, like say, read a passage of the Bible in an increasingly orgasmic tone. Would that not be funnier and more satisfying to people than your annoying bullshit? Well, we’ll never fuckin’ know now will we? Because your stupid ass has to call in and say what 30 other fuckin’ people during the show already said just so you can hear your tone deaf fuckin’ voice on the air when you hang up. For a few months now, Jason has given whoever calls in the chance to get on and say whatever the hell they feel like saying, and God Damnit those things should be funny. So do me a favor and just don’t dial in around that time unless you have something interesting/funny to say. Even the guy who just sang along with the outro music was WAY better than all of you combined. So shove it up you ass, queef monster, and wait until tomorrow.