Sluts don’t like pants, Gary.
What’s up sluts? Y’all just slutting it up today? Getting your slut on? Slut on, slutters! It’s Wednesday and I’m bitPimps. I’ll be your recap host for today because CrackerStacker6 is trying to not get murdered by his wife today, it’s their anniversary. So take off your push-up bra, light some candles, and get ready for sluttastic sluttery! Ellis didn’t sleep much, but he wasn’t even tired so he went to watch some TV. Problem is, TV isn’t working. He sat there for 3 hours all by his lonesome until he realized “son of a bitch, I have a computer, and a website,” so that’s what he did. Not that slutty. But he ended up getting the TV to work later and accidentally ordered a foreign film that you have to read. I think it might have been Borgman. Slightly slutty. Hey, if you’re a Wolfknives member, can prove it, & are in LA, you can get in touch with Ellis and he’ll tell you where they are at and you can go down there and get a big fat box of shit, or a fat prostitute’s big fat box. Slut ding! Ab talk and Ellis was watching Hotdog on the video from the Roosevelt and he envisioned a thinner Hotdog. A Hotdog with abs. While Ellis was in Minnesota he wasn’t smoking weed, but he was jonesing for it. Not smoking weed & drinking isn’t very slutty, but Ellis is abstaining from it all until his birthday, so it’s hard for him to sleep, and he’s finding out he’s more psychotic without the weed but he’s going to power through it by staying busy. Ellis & Katie were supposed to go to the Madden brothers’ record release party but they got into a lover’s quarrel and ended up not going. Tully and his wife fought last night too. Sluts, am I right? Ellis & Tully, walking around all sluttily like they’re queen sluts or something. Control. Sluts love to be controlled. But we’re not talking about Janet Jackson here, we’re talking about Ellis being in control of all his shit, so that’s his goal for now. Tully was on Jada Pinkett-Smith’s Facebook page, because that’s how he likes to relax and slut it up, but she was talking about a friend of hers who committed suicide or something. Which I guess a lot people thanked the boys for talking about it yesterday. Ellis has to pick up the kids today and go watch Devin’s soccer game. The wild west was pretty fucking wild, 14-year-old chicks sleeping in the same bed as an old lady and a drunk dude. So wrong, but also so slutty. But wrong.
Your mom. Everyone knows.
Back from break and Ellis & Tully have learned some things during the break. Ellis got a call from school and learned Tiger has 103 temperature and has to be taken out of school immediately. He texted the mommy but hasn’t gotten a text back yet so he may have to leave in the next 15 minutes. Tully learned that the foreign film Ellis was watching this morning was indeed Borgman. BOOM! Score one for me! Now is a good time for Hotdog to host the show as Ellis now has to go make some calls. So here comes Hotdog for a call-in segment. He wants to know the worst place & timing you’ve farted. His worst fart experience was in summer school, right after a test. He lifted a cheek & let it rip, it was silent, but it was deadly. A foul smelling pocket of air that he could see how far it traveled as people started getting this look of horror on their faces. The teacher came back to tell him about his test results & he could tell the teacher was pondering puking. Will’s worst fart was in an elevator in NY on a Sunday, nobody is usually around. The elevator stopped & 7 people got on, it was clear Will was the culprit who had dealt it. Tully’s worst fart? He was dating this girl around the age of 13 or 14. Tully kissed her on a jungle gym in a park & they go into one of those play tubes and were making out & holding her. The stillness of dawn was fresh in the air and shabang! Audible fart wafting right up into his newly gotten girlfriend’s face… and she continued to date him. I should also mention, this wasn’t last week. Tully was 13 or 14 at the time too. This ushered in calls from listeners with their worst fart stories, chicks included. Breaking News: Ellis has to leave to go pick up Tiger, he apologized and left in a hurry while the fartstravaganza went on. What’s fart stories without Cumtard? He came in to tell how he would time his farts so he’d fart in a revolving door and watch lawyer’s going through the doors and getting trapped in a pocket of hot boxed fart air. Ahhh Cumtard, we would expect nothing less of you and your farting tactics. One of the more memorable caller stories was a guy who works in manholes in New York City, they routinely have to carry air quality measuring devices. He let one rip and it was so bad the sensors started going off and his co-worker was yelling for him to get out of there before he blows up, but of course it was just his ungodly fart. And with that, they had to cut Hotdog’s fart segment short, go to break and come back with a best-of. Hopefully Hotdog will get to finish his fart segment tomorrow or sometime soon because it was going pretty well – wafting it’s way into outer space and beaming back down and into our faces. Super slutty! Thus ends this recap. Remember sluts, keep them farts coming, but try to keep them discreet unless you’re getting paid extra for them. Like your mom, Fart Butt Slut Ingrid.
Even grandma knows about your mom.
WAIT!!! ELLIS IS BACK!
Ellis got a new watch today from Electric Visual. It’s pretty cool, but it’s not as cool as Wilson’s watch where he can watch videos and shit on it. If he were so inclined to do so. Or if he even wore the damned thing. Tully (and Ellis really) are collectively 187-years-old when it comes to technology, but they see how cool it is. They think someone needs to raise the watch game so you can watch UFC Fight Pass, porn, or webcam on your wrist. Kids today can’t tell analog time, which kind of doesn’t surprise me, most kids these days are borderline retarded. Larry Bird is huge, he still has his beak nose, but is starting to look like grandma (see above). It’s widely alleged that Joan Rivers’ doctor took a selfie picture of himself and a dying Joan Rivers, clearly he has a PhD in class. Ellis’ aunt has had a ton of plastic surgery and is rocking a nice set of tits. He may grab them during his Australian tour. If you were a woman and a slut, what would you teach your daughter about promiscuity? STDs and dirty old men? And if you were a man and a slut, what would you teach your son about promiscuity? STDs and crazy bitches?
Who is more popular on the old Facebooks, Steven Seagal or Jean-Claude Van Damme? Seagal, he teaches MMA fighters how to kick. How about Will Smith versus his wife and kids? Will Smith by far, 3 times more than his own family. Seagal. What about 311 or Danzig? Unfortunately, 311. How about Floyd Mayweather or The Undertaker? More than twice as famous is The Undertaker. How about Ellis versus Heelies? ELLIS! Morrissey or Hulk Hogan? Hulkamania is running wild over Morrissey. And what do they all have in common? Total sluts, big time sluts, a dream team of sluts! Wolfknife Blowgay Simpson is now the new WWE correspondent for The Jason Ellis Show, he’ll be calling in every Monday with wrestling updates. YouTube has Tully figured out. It doesn’t matter what computer he logs in from, YouTube knows what he wants. “You done watching that? Here, watch some Thomas The Train videos. No? Here’s some Def Leppard for you! In more of a German mood? Here’s some gaping videos for you.” Sounds like Ellis & Tully will be watching and reviewing the movie The Fifth Element sometime soon, like they did with Over The Top. And there you have it, sluts! The recap was a slutty, there was a hiccup and a fart here and there, but overall, pretty sluterific. Now get out there and enjoy yourself, you know you sluts don’t get started early so you should still have plenty of time to slut it up. Slut ya later. See ya on the slut side. SLUT DRAGONS!