Holy balls it’s Wednesday already and I feel like I really have a lot to get to today. I mean, I’ve got like two pages of notes, most of which are legible and they are all in order….Oh shit! It’s sober recap time!!!! Let’s get comprehensive in this motherfucker!
Will is super hot when he is angry, and reminds Ellis of that Spiderman lizard professor guy. Which brings him naturally to his next point, would you fuck a billionaire giant gecko? He reckons you might fuck him, but you aren’t going to love him. And even if you say you love him, it’s not real love, he’s just like your brother or something. Even the ugliest dude’s can get themselves laid, even Stephen Hawking cheated on his wife and he looks like warmed over road kill.
Ellis got super gay last night with Dingo. Ok, not super gay, only a little. They passed a grape between each other with their mouths, but it was totally OK because they did it to get another girl to make out with Katie so it was totally hetero bro.
Ellis went on Dr. Drew again last night and he says he is really getting comfortable with his appearances these days. He has a routine now where he sits and watches the news stories and prepares a bit more so that he doesn’t come off as the brash crazy dude with tattoos in the box as much. Jillian Barberie and the defense attorney chick Ellis likes got into it a bit over a story about a stepfather who punished a kid by not letting him eat for 5 days. Nobody was arguing for the father, but you know how bitches are man…That Jenny Hutt chick that cohosts with Drew is sort of dark on Ellis these days. Ellis didn’t realize it at first, but once someone on twitter mentioned it, he noticed she was making shitty little faces every time he would give an answer on the show. Ellis wants to battle her over her box and steal it from her. Just really jump on her shit and push her out of the way and make her box his box you know what I’m sayin???
Corn Liquor Chris called in to say he wanted to fight at Ellismania, and Ellis was cool with that until Corn Liquor Chris said Ellis would have to fly him out. Easy there, Corn Liquor Chris, you aren’t in any position to be making demands, so naturally Ellis shot him. Later on, Corn Liquor Chris called back to apologize to Ellis for copping an attitude and now Corn Liquor Chris is back on everyone’s good side.
The guys had a caller based segment where people called in with stories of celebrity sightings out in the wild. Some of the highlights were John Malkovich dressing like a homeless man and talking about murder. Bono was standing on a stage and telling people about how he put a drill into his dad’s dick and had to back it out. Swamp Scotty met Aerosmith at a gas station. Swamp Scotty should fight Corn Liquor Chris. Just putting that out there. There was a lot of poop talk on the show for a minute or two. Specifically about the places we poop and tolerate pooping. Port-a-potties, digging holes and burying it, Wal-Mart bags and Big Gulp cups. Tully proposed an invention where you can bring a portable bag to poop in wherever you go. You just unfold it and poop into the bag, use the attached wipes to clean up and bob’s your uncle. One of these days somebody is going to use one of Tully’s inventions and revolutionize the world of pooping in public.
Cumtard brought in a new game where the guys listened to songs with notoriously mush mouthed lead singers and the guys would have to guess what the lyrics are. Turns out a lot of lyrics we’ve been singing have been wrong all along! For instance, Eddie Vedder once said in “Yellow Ledbetter” ‘On a ceiling the boys are glitter” or something like that. Michael Stipe (REM) is a mush mouth weirdo and I wasn’t writing that down. Bob Marley once said “You’ve got a mind to bone, so go to hell is what your thinking, that shit flying. Fuck you mista,” And of course who can forget when Billy Corgan said “Whooooo wants the Hiiiiiinnneyy” Perhaps most shocking of all was “Unglued” by Scott Weiland of Stone Temple Pilots once crooned “I, I, I bought a nigga with an afro, dude. I’m gonna ride him like a prostitute.” Which is just unbelievably insensitive and STP need to apologize immediately for hurtful lyrics. Shame on you, Scott Weiland.
Finally, the end of the show wrapped up around a Cosmopolitan article Tully found entitled ’18 reasons to not give him a blowjob.’ BLASPHEMY! RIOTS IN THE STREETS! YOU WILL BLOW! Ellis was very aggressive towards the article, and he believes strongly in your right to be blown. Actually most of them were pretty reasonable, like if your package is packing a little extra sweaty cheese oil, she doesn’t have to touch it. Or if you don’t take care of your bush and critters start to nest in there. But some of them were just offensive like “because you don’t want to” is not an acceptable excuse to Ellis. You dig deep and get down on that meat whistle, lady. You should especially give a dude a blowjob if he holds a gun to your head and tells you to, that is a given. Long day at work? Suck a dick. Super tired? Suck a dick. Just had an abortion? Suck a dick! The list goes on and on but I can sum the conversation up with this quote:
“Whenever you don’t feel like suckin a dick, you should suck a dick” – Jason Ellis
That is a real quote, but the conversation wasn’t that harsh, and probably 14 out of the 18 were legitimate but for the few “When you are in a shower because water boarding is torture” and “because it looks weird” If I didn’t get blown for every time I had a weird dick, I would have never got blown, because that dude is like if Sloth from the Goonies was a body builder. By the way, if any ladies want a real article about sucking penis written by a very real lady, here is a link telling you to suck it written by our very own JenniMazky , go read it and then suck some penis.
Finally, people still don’t understand how the “Don’t Die” works, and I am starting to think they never will. It’s just “You guys rock, wanted to let you know” and “Is Ellis there? Hello?” It’s infuriating to listen to, and every time I hear “Can I talk to Jason?” I’m secretly hoping I hear screeching tires and “Oh shit” before shattering glass and crunching steel seamlessly transition to a dial tone.