Have you ever spit on a cat’s asshole to get it wet so that it tricks the cat into licking it’s own ass to clean it? Jason Ellis has, and he’s here to tell you about it. The younger bald pussy in his house is the dirty one (Holy shit I just typed that) and is not picky about having shit crystals hanging around his ass and rubbing it on furniture and people alike. Jason wants to start his dojo and get a class together that is somehow tied into the show. He thinks it would be less intimidating for people to come in and work out in his environment than a regular gym. As many pointed out on Twitter, and with all due respect to Jason, FUCKKK THAT. Can you imagine trying to do a burpee with Jason yelling at your fat ass the entire time? I’d say fuck it and ride off into the sunset in my rascal scooter eating a bucket of wings dipped in mayonnaise. However, you really should mold your lumpy ass into some sort of structured form through physical activity at some point in your life, and sooner is better than later, fat tits. Tully found an article online that says obese American men get less than 4 hours of vigorous exercise per year. Obese American women get 1 hour of vigorous exercise per year. Can we just make a rule that if you get that fat, you are obligated to perform a designated job for the rest of us? Like just stuff your massive ass into a toll booth and just deliver McDonald’s to you every few hours, because you’ve clearly given up. Or strap a headset to your pear shaped head and make you take customer service calls. In any case, a bunch of people called in saying they lost weight doing this or that, one dude even said he lost 385 pounds, so it is possible.
We briefly dove into Tully’s drinking habits when a caller asked him if he had crazy dreams when he drinks scotch. Tully’s answer was that there was a 5 year stretch where he didn’t really know where sober ended and scotch began, and his craziest dreams were when he was sober. Hear hear! I’ve been using the drunk method for years now. Take it from me kids, if you drink enough, you don’t have to face the scary monsters in your head when you close your eyes. That’s a pretty common problem right?
Tully piped up again to tell the story about he almost died at Ellismania, because he got wasted and went upstairs to pass out and almost Bon Scott-ed himself by choking on his own vomit. Someone called to say that Ellis should release a book or a audio book where Katie tells ladies how to instigate sex and be more like her, which isn’t creepy at all dude.
Kenda Perez came on the show today to talk fighting, sailing and yanking on rudders. She took a sailing class or something and the instructor kept telling her to go pump some jigs or booeys or whatever those boat people call them. Butttt it’s pretty obvious the motivation for that.
Kenda is here of course to talk about UFC this weekend with Alexander Gustaffson and that Manuwa guy. They talked about what she is up to these days as far as events she attends with fighters and how often she is in a bikini or naked which is what we are all wondering. But seriously, this UFC gig is her first job in the field of broadcasting, which is to say she scored big time right out of the gate. Kenda’s got a friend named Chelsea who is super hot and has a bit of an obsession with Jason’s show and Jason himself. Her friend also has a my little pony unicorn with a tequila drinking alien on top which is super awesome. Kenda is growing on me as a guest the more she is on, and she is getting more comfortable with Jason’s come-ons and general giddiness when she is in, which is essential for any female guest.
Kenda stuck around for the entire show, so she is going to stick around for the rest of my recap. The guys came up with a new segment that started out as a contest to see who was a bigger loser: Cumtard or Will. But then Jason got to thinking, and he is a pretty good contender for biggest loser, and for that matter so are Jetta and Hardcore, so we have ourselves a contest ladies and gentlemen!
The rules are pretty simple: everyone answers the same questions, and the room decides who is the biggest loser piece of shit on the staff of the Jason Ellis Show. I won’t list the entire sad, sad answers these people gave, but here are some highlights from each person:
Cumtard: Lost virginity at 16, on a toilet to a girl he met in special school; owns 2 bongs, plays 8-9 hours of video games a week, and got blackout drunk with a pornstar and a bunch of friends, and then his friends had sex in all the rooms of his apartment.
Jetta: Lost virginity at 15; is currently in a long distance relationship; plays a ton of video games; owns 2 bongs; has no friends or human interaction beyond the people he sees at work every day, favorite band is Thrice(*Will go on record saying I love Thrice, but the show does NOT)
Hardcore: Lost virginity at 17; owns 0 bongs; went to a hardcore show recently; does actually have a ‘Castaway’ themed tattoo complete with Tom Hanks, the Island and Wilson, the volleyball. Needs to develop a drinking habit pronto.
Will: Lost virginity at 18; recently spent an evening recording hip hop with people who had guns and drugs; owns a phone the size of my laptop; owns 0 bongs.
Ellis: Lost virginity at 11. Seriously. She had hair, he didn’t. Gross. Pissed off a gigantic radio show host and doesn’t give a shit about it. Owns 0 bongs because he is a grown up. and never had a long distance relationship.
Kenda: Lost virginity at 15; owns 2 bongs; has an iphone 5s that she gets drunk and takes scantily clad pictures of herself on instagram. Attends UFC events weekly and travels all over the world being hot.
But in the end, there was a stand out winner, a guy who clearly embodied the loser lifestyle, and that man was @RadioJetta . Congratulations you pathetic bastard. We love you. The rest of the show was just a hang. Jason took some calls for relationship or weight loss advice and talked about how hot Kenda was and the show took it’s natural course to the end. Much like this recap has taken it’s natural course to it’s end. Isn’t it swell when things end on such a pleasant note?