This recap was written by Jenni Mazki. She took advantage of the opportunity to write a recap for NoYouAre, the same opportunity that is open to everybondy in the EllisFam. If you would like to write for NoYouAre just contact @bitPimps or @Az_RedDragon and they will tell you how. Head Dragons!
Be happy- don’t be pasty! Not only will you be one among the beautiful and happy tan society but people will like you more. In fact, maybe you should go and spend 10,000 hours outside working on your tan and be just as happy and likable as the happiest naturally tan person whom everyone likes. Or something like that. Personally, I advise copious amounts of sunscreen over this 10k tan session to try and minimize overall sun damage. Just make sure you aren’t albino, because no one will trust you as far as they can throw you. Also don’t be NBA player Blake Griffin for the same reason, and Tully is certain he can’t get Griffin off the ground.
TJES opened to a seeming stream of random consciousness starting with the opening monologue from Ellis speaking about how tan people are more likable than the more pasty skinned (though you’re excused if you’re naturally pale and just not too glued to the boob tube to go outside). And no, Raw Dog, Canadians aren’t pale- they get their snow glow on.
However, just in time for school, we’ve learned that Raw Dog skipped a grade (maybe or maybe not for parental bragging rights), was strangled during a play date with an 8 year old future sociopath, and a few months really makes a difference in the physical attributes of developing teenagers. Raw Dog slipped under the radar (because PTSD is a bitch), while Tully was always on the small side of the scale due to his July birthday, and Ellis was mildly blown away by the entire conversation as he dropped out in the 7th grade- but he didn’t care about being cool…he cared about just trying to stay alive. Hopefully someone really does create a campaign letting kids know that things really do get better after the raging hormone mind fuck that is school, that life doesn’t end because you fail a class or don’t ask the girl to prom, and there is more important shit in life.
This all was interspersed with the 10,000 hour conversation- that despite lack of natural talent, if you work at something for 10,000 hours you can be just as good as the person with all the God-given talent who puts in that same work. Ellis is a firm believer that hard work and persistence gets you where you wanna be in life, and it goes right along with his ’you control your own destiny’ mind set.
Some Ellismania 9 talk! Some videos of potential fighters for the shock collar fight seem to include Screaming Hymen and Highlands Drifter. Mike Jasper will have a chainsaw…it will not be a real chainsaw, because it’s the Hard Rock Hotel, not the Thunder Dome. However, the Hard Rock has already marqueed the big event. The pre-party on Friday is at the new club Vinyl, and there are rumors of EM9 giveaways like free tickets, room upgrades, a motorcycle, and other TJES swag (I said swag, I know, try not to hate on me too hard). Also…Tera Patrick vs. Sam Rubin in…outfits? I see awesome potential here.
Will there be tickets to the Jason Ellis Circus featuring Jason Ellis the traveling Lion Abuser? I would pay money to watch Ellis whip the shit out of a lion trapped in the back of his Mad Max-esque escape vehicle while cops tried unsuccessfully to capture him. I don’t watch tv, but sounds like anything wayyyyyy better then the scripted unreal reality shows that are played all day every day. Special guest appearance by Raw Dog, the Surly Drinking Clown, because clowns weren’t previously creepy enough.
Wilson, the out of the problem gambler closet, spoke often in a segment about (10,000 hours!!) gambling. Yes, he has a system, but he also gets tons of free shit and has only lost thousands of dollars a time or two. A true addict has his system down. The guys mostly agree (except Wilson who may have been itching throughout the conversation and looking around for slots) that they would rather spend gambling money on more substantial materialistic things, so that as least they would have something to show for the money that they were spending.
Danny Brown, if you are listening, or reading, or maybe you are listening to someone read this, you were aware that you were getting head on stage, you’re lying when you say that you didn’t realize what was happening. Be honest, you were high, very high…and you’re lying.
Now, it’s time for the origins of those famous/cliche sayings that have been around forever and no one knows where they came from. Lets nip it in the butt. Bite the bullet because you’re gonna murder yourself (or you might be a Revolutionary War era soldier who needs amputation), the cat has your tongue because of random violent cat attacks on men calling little girls bitches, people in the 1500s were dirty and threw their kids out with the bathwater because men knew about the dangers of water and the monsters within, and Raw Dog believes that he would be a medieval wizard (even though his iPhone would no longer work and he would be as dumb as the rest).
Detroit had to close down one of their McDonalds due to the fact the workers were on strike because they can’t live on minimum wage. We all know minimum wage is a joke and McD’s and other soul sucking chains can afford to pay their workers more, but they won’t because it’s less money for their pockets. They proved to their employees that even with 2 jobs, their wages are unlivable, and maybe we should all be boycotting fast food chains. But Raw Dog will still probably eat it all. Raising the minimum wage for fast food super chains would be the lesbian scissor kick cookie tickle of economic stimulation, but are there macroeconomic repercussions we mathletes can’t foresee? All I know is that I was making 13 dollars an hour at an office job and I couldn’t afford to eat food and my apartment had two rooms that had no door and cost almost a thousand dollars a month (and was considered a steal). Ellis proposed, for all those living the single life, going out to get furry clothes and learning to live in the bush, cause that shit is free, and then you can just steal you a wife- caveman style. Agreed.
If The Jason Ellis Show hosts ruled the world, or at least were the triumvirate of Presidents in charge of America, they would start off their first presidential campaign by unleashing hell with common sense in the year of hilarious terror. As presidents they plan on weeding out the undesirables among us mighty Americans through a series of clever ruses booby trapped to do away with those who respond. Instead of Mount Rushmore, they would be featured on Mount Kushmore, which would probably go down in history as the most bad ass monument in the world. Among those who must die are drivers of the new Bacon car by Ford (because bacon is apparently so over and if you dip your bacon in chocolate get over yourself!!!!), Khloe Kardashian lovers, pedophiles, crackheads, murderers, people who are morbidly obese, people who watch too much television (bc let’s face it, obviously they’re obviously pasty on top of it), people on welfare who also buy drugs, people ordering from QVC, smokers, cock fighters and dog fighters, and possibly Raw Dog if he successfully creates pneumatic tubes to replace highways. From what they listed, it seems I would survive the initial purge and live to see FreeWorld, the Annual Burning Man Bloodbath, and their State of the Union. I’m sure Ellis would also have no more problems arranging Ellis Moto-Mania.
Other tidbits worthy of note are:
If you listen to the Jason Ellis Show on demand, Sunday’s ’Best of’ shows at 3pmand 9pm eastern are actually chock full of extra hilarity goodies care of Cullen, and are 4 to 5 hours long.
Rude Jude has a block on the new Jason Ellis Channel on Saturday at 6pm eastern.
Don’t hoard gold if you’re anticipating the end of the world. Everlast will laugh at you, and you will have no future children to pass it to because you will be dead as you can’t eat or drink gold (without painful consequences, at least).
The guys at On It may be Ellis’ personal hit squad, he received a very heavy head in a box from them.
We may one day see Ellis with a Jack Nicholson receding hairline haircut with the added bonus of a wolf face.
August 29, 2013 would have been Michael Jackson’s 55th birthday.
Blood is thicker than water for the exact opposite reason that you think.
The Loch Ness looks like it has seaweed in it.
Jason Ellis for president.
Do what Tully says and visit PatriotGuard.org