Greetings fellow mongrels! And welcome to the Wednesday Re-cap of the Jason Ellis Rawdog’s mom beef so Jason wants to duke it out jiu-jitsu Ellis is gonna get all oiled up and get creepy so Rawdog looks better Josh until he farted a hand carved ice ball out of his ass. Well that’s it for today, your mom’s a
Sirius, Am I Right?
Just kidding mongrels. The above paragraph is a somewhat greatly exaggerated depiction of what a lot of people experienced from SiriusXM’s sattelite feed on today’s show. TJES was basically like having a really good jackoff session and just when you have forgotten how sad and dumb you are and are just going for the moment, a cat jumps onto your lap and takes the edge off of your boner. No worries though, you gotta look on the bright side and think: I wouldn’t be so pissed if I didn’t love this show as much. Admittedly though, some parts of the show were missed. And since I can’t possibly re-cap what I did not witness, I’m going to pepper in some nonsense for the bits I didn’t catch.
Ellis is getting all squared away to train at one of the Gracie Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu gyms in his new neighborhood. He’s going to be starting out as a blue belt, and roll around putting balls in his face for a good ten years to get his black belt. Then there was some discussion about degrees of black belts and how coral belts are higher than that, and red belts are the grand master of them all in BJJ. Brendan Schaub is trying to get Ellis in training with him, but Ellis’ schedule is pretty jacked up because of the show and the kids and stuff. But because Brendan is a pretty sweet dude, he’s gonna shift some stuff around and get into the gym with Ellis whenever he can. He’s either a really nice guy or wants to fold Ellis up like a pretzel and kick his ass. This got the conversation centered onto the Dog, and about how he should be taking Deer Antler Extract to beef himself up and get into MMA and just wrestle bitches into his bed. Aubrey(who is a dude by the way) from Onnit called in a bit to clear up the Deer shit and said the extract isn’t really what is supplying the boost in the supplements, but it’s the combination of all the other shit in the compound that does the trick. Either way TJES, and all of it’s fans want to see a lean, bruiser version of Rawdog and get him to stop being such a little manboy all the time. Jason said they need to get Rawdog’s mom in on the show so they can finally square off for ownership of Josh once and for all. That would be a more anticipated showdown than Jon Jones vs. Anderson Silva, with epic implications. And when Ellis wins the day(Presumably concluding with Jason hoisting Rawdog’s Mom by her genital area) Jason is going to oil himself up and get weird on the streets of Hollywood so Josh can look like more of a man and get some strange.
…..ladies
More MMA stuff, Jake Ellenberger wants to beat the crap out of Jason too and is probably going to come on the show next week. I’m really digging the fact that there are more fighters on the show lately, they tend to be no bullshit types of guys as a general rule. But more than Ellenberger, Rawdog had to undergo an MMA gauntlet quiz, I’m assuming because John Cena Chael Sonnen got TKO’d by Jon Jones this last weekend. The gauntlet consisted of Josh performing some physical task(Punch machine, burpees, kettle bell exercises and Rocky style sit-ups with a slap to the belly), and had to answer questions (about who was the champion in each UFC weight class) in between rounds. As you can imagine, Josh was pretty gassed out after the first bunch of rounds and failed to name Dominick Cruz, Benson Henderson, ANDERSON SILVA, Jose Aldo and GSP. Hearing the little bugger getting frazzled and out of breath was quite a treat though.
Hollywood news: Lil’ Wayne had another seizure but he’s fine. Lindsay Lohan is super duper pinky promising to go to rehab, but not the court appointed one because they won’t let her smoke. Fair enough, I say. As long as she gets her ass back into ‘Mean Girls’ shape I don’t give a shit what she does to get there. Catherine Zeta Jones is checking into rehab because she’s having a heavy period. Andy Dick got kicked off of Dancing With The Stars and is apparently dating a chick in the most “Who the fuck do you think you’re kidding?” move of the year. Beyonce apparently has a pretty crazy rider she supplies to every venue she performs at. Such requirements include $900 in titanium straws, Alkaline water kept at 21 degrees, GIVE ME THE BEAT BOYS AND FREE MY SOUL, I WANNA GET LOST IN YOUR ROCK AND ROLL AND DRIFT AWAY, a hand carved ice ball to sooth her throat after performing, off white walls in every room she has to stay in, a new toilet seat and red toilet paper so she can ignore the blood in her poo she gets from all the grunting she does on stage.
This started a whole conversation on what kinds of crazy shit D!D!D! should put into their riders. Things like making someone go get seven slices of pizza from seven different pizza places, a printed version of wikipedia, SUPACALIFRADGALISTICEXPIALADOCIOUS.
The Drifter came up with a new game where he names a sexual position from the kama sutra and the guys would have to guess what they thought it would look like. I didn’t hear a lot of this one, and not because the player was cutting out. Mostly because it was stupid, Jason didn’t like it and we all just moved on with our day.
Women, Am I Right? A woman was speeding down a highway when police began following her, attempting to pull her over. The woman then dialed 911 and told the dispatcher to tell the cop to get off of her ass. She then MISSISSIPPI QUEEN, YEAH YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. 80-year-old swallowed a $5K diamond, but it’s ok because she had an asshole doctor appointment the next day, so he got to fish it out. I don’t know about you, but I bet some 10-year old in an African mine is not feeling so bad about his life now. A drunk woman ran over a cop that was posted up at a random breathalyzer checkpoint. A psycho woman was a bit peeved that her ex-husband didn’t invite her to his birthday party, so naturally she stormed into the place and attacked him with a meat cleaver, a knife, a frying pan and a sledgehammer. I was shocked she wasn’t able to actually murder him, considering even Downzig could have lucked his way into a kill with that arsenal. But then again, she was a woman. Am I Right?
Australia is becoming more and more known for gigantic titties (WOOO!!!). But not because of implants, because of fat chicks (awwww). Yes, bra manufacturers are coming out with K-cup bras for big sloppy titted sheilas and you know who couldn’t be happier? Aussie dudes. If you got big floppy mammaries, they don’t care about the rest of ya. Rawdog has always been a fan of big titties and areolas because he feels a deep connection to his mom every time he tweaks a nipple. Jason commanded Dom to get some large-breasted individuals in the studio so that he and Josh could caress and romance the titties and see who has better skills with the breasticles. But really, who really loses there in that situation? Michael Tully.
Rawdog and Katie are still set to fight in Ellismania 9, Oct. 12. Ellis may have come up with a way to make the fight way more interesting though. He is thinking he should drug both Katie and Josh and pack rolls of quarters into their gloves so they are just slobbering messing throwing bombs at each other. Here in my town they just call that Trailer Park Tuesdays, but it would be a sweet idea if the fight went down that way.
In closing, I just gotta tell you guys about my struggles as of late. I’ve been feeling backed up and living has become a bit uncomfortable lately. It’s just this empty but heavy feeling I’ve been dragging in the pit of my stomach for a few days now. No matter how hard I’ve tried to HTFU and push it, I just haven’t been able to break the barrier and really let loose for a while now. So I called your mom, and she did the old “reverse gag reflex” on my colon and I blasted venomous sewage from the pits of my intestines all over her face. Dingle berries were torn loose by the gale-force winds blasting from my rectum, peppering her face like BB’s and cascading all over her saggy tits (that YOU ruined) like Plinko chips. I walked out of that Denny’s bathroom a new man with a new lease on life, and it’s all thanks to that slut.
Peace, Bitches.