Hola, bitchola, welcome to the Wednesday re-cap of the Jason Ellis Show. I’d like to say I’m going to be gentle, but I’ll be honest, I’m gonna jam it in before you’re ready and tear some seams.
Step into my fucking lair!
The boys have a new bell in the studio for anyone to ring whenever a really bad joke is told, so Rawdog is probably going to have the thing hanging around his neck before the end of the week. Tully didn’t want to do “Women, Am I Right?” two days in a row, but damn ladies, you really forced his hand. Some fat white chick had a near-death experience and claimed to smell God. My guess is it was the Taco Bell XXL grilled stuffed burrito she had tucked in her cleavage for safe keeping, but who’s to say that’s not what God smells like. This made Ellis think he should have his own near death experience so that he could see/smell God and figure out what the big deal is. In other news, a 20-year-old woman posted an ad on Craigslist seeking someone to abuse and/or maim her. She eventually found a taker, and the guy beat her up like she wanted. Afterwards, she called the cops and said she had been beaten and raped by a guy. The fuck right? In any case, the cops figured out she was full of shit and just wanted the story so people would feel bad for her.
Is the world losing it’s long standing traditions and culture? It feels like as the world becomes more globally connected through internet and air travel, we are all starting to meld into one single culture. Gone will be the days of secret Asian remedies, and in with Ecstasy and Daft Punk every night! Synthetic drugs were a recurring topic on the show today. The problems with things like synthetic weed or other drugs is that you could actually have a heart attack and die. A caller called in to say that panic attacks and heart attacks were essentially the same thing, making him the biggest dumbass to call the show today. The drug topic did spawn into a good conversation about when to talk to your kids about drugs and how honest you should be. Old man Tully thinks he is going to be a huge hypocrite and not let little Linsanity chase the dragon and party like he did. Ellis says he will be up front and honest if they ask about it, because there is no way he could lie to them. Snook did almost rat him out saying he has a hookah in his bedroom, but it turns out she was just talking about this bong Katie has on her nightstand as a joke. Kinnnnd of missing the point there dude. After that, there was a lot of callers about synthetic drugs, beating drug tests and then a lot of callers calling to reiterate everything that was said before. Glad we have those dudes out there who want to pound the last 20 minutes of the show into our brain so we don’t forget. Woof.
Magic Johnson’s son is GAYYYYYYYYYYYY. No I don’t mean that as an insult, he is just soooooo gay, and he made his first public appearance with his boyfriend recently. Gays in sports was briefly discussed, and about how gays in professional sports is becoming an every day topic these days. Every day it seems someone else comes out and says that they are either for or against homosexuals in the professional leagues. Really though, there is no way you can stop it, gays are becoming more and more accepted, and the mind set of the people is leaning more towards acceptance of the gays and religous types might as well just give up and suck it. You can’t stop it now, Jesus!
Uriah Hall is currently the biggest badass on The Ultimate Fighter, knocking out his last two opponents in terrifying fashion. Ellis says he is a definite contender for the belt when he wins the tournament. Another winner of a caller said that Bubba the Menace fractured three bones in his face in the fight. Ellis had no idea what he was talking about and probably thought the guy was a Blubber Army guy making a joke. The guy he was talking about was Bubba McDaniels who was on the receiving end of Hall’s thunderpunch. Ignoring the Chris Weidman possibility, that means we are looking at a potential KO artist fight Anderson Silva. But, with all the talks of superfights and movie careers, by then who knows if Anderson will even be fighting anymore. None of this was actually discussed on the show, I just don’t give a shit about moto or skating and I’ll be goddamned if I’m not going to go in depth on the sport I like, so fuck you.
HOLLYWOOD NEWS: Jay Leno announced he is retiring but he is a boring ass old person Ellis doesn’t care about. He will be replaced with a boring ass Jimmy Fallon which Ellis also doesn’t care about. DJ Kloo, who likes to let everyone know it’s his mix on the song by screaming his name at you every 5 seconds over the lyrics got popped for driving with a suspended license and having 3 pills wrapped up in tin foil. Lame. Lamar Odom and Fat Shit Kardashian will not be discussed beyond this sentence. More Bieber “life on the skids” bullshit, which is becoming more frequent than Lindsay Lohan stealing stuff and giving handjobs. Hey, do you want to make a fast and easy $84K? Sue John Travolta for sexual harassment, which is all the craze. Dude keeps rubbing up on other guys, so you should get in while the gettin is good. Prince hates the internet and thinks it’s a brainless tool that just throws numbers around in your mind. So he had all videos on Vine that had his music in the background taken down. I really hope that guy has surveillance videos with audio in his house and an untrustworthy maid that wants to sell them off to the world, because he is bat shit crazy(This term will be used again later on).
The basketball coach at Rutger’s was fired for throwing basketballs at player’s heads and calling them faggots. Valid argument, but maybe more kids need balls thrown at their heads so they don’t grow up all getting trophies and being pansies. Guys who place so much stock in their lives on a sports team that it has a negative effect on those around them need to hang themselves.
Sebastian Bach visited the show today! I’m not going to go too in-depth on this, but suffice it to say, the dude is fucking awesome. There were a lot of laughs and I reccomend you go back and listen, but here are some highlights: Sebastian said he is shocked nobody who has gone bald has tattooed hair on the top of their head. Funny you should say that Bach! One crazy motherfucker has, and he is sitting right in god damn front of you! When Bach is performing in Canada, he says he legally has to translate from English to French and started popping off some examples. Seriously Canada, these are the reasons we hate you. Trailer Park Boys is a show Sebastian regularly guest stars on and holy shit did we not hear the end of it from the callers. I’ve never seen the show, but Tully and Ellis said it was pretty funny so I’ll have to give it a shot. The conversation started to move towards the March Madness Greatest Riff contest, and Sebastian had a couple suggestions. The one I’m thinking of in particular was Hatebreed, which caused me to go into a violent laughing fit in which I vomited all over my baby. Sebastian said the same thing everyone says: That Jamey Jasta is a cool dude and should be on the show, and Ellis even showed signs of giving in. I’m still not a Hatebreed fan, nor do I think I ever will be, but I am really excited about that interview if it ever happens now that we’ve all had this build up. They got into the march madness bracket and it was a cluttered fucking mess I could hardly make sense of, so instead of giving you all the songs here you go: Led Zeppelin- Whole Lotta Love moves on to the Elite 8. Oh yeah, it was Bach’s birthday (As well as @mike_in_canada, Poutine for that dude)and will dropped some cake. Dom came in with some game and it was really stupid and poorly thought out, so he got kicked in the nuts really hard by Tully. Shame on you, Dom.
Bat’s give eachother oral sex, and Ellis reckons he’d go down on a 5’2” bat if given the chance. Upon further pondering, that’s probably not a wise idea seeing as bats are just rats with wings and a giant rat with wing’s vagina has to smell like the folds under the folds of your Mom’s gunt. Male cheerleaders bang the cheerleaders all the time, and it always works best when they say “Look, I’m just here to fuck y’all and throw you in the air, none of that flowers and candy bullshit.”
I hate to be the one to break the bad news to you, but you are adopted and no adoptive parents will ever love you as much as the biological parents that didn’t want you. Just kidding, the bad news is that there won’t be an Ellismania this year. No details or anything on why, but it’s probably got something to do with what was pissing Jason off last week about people doing stuff on his behalf. But cheer up, pal. It could be worse, you could have an ear infection. But when you go to the doctor, he tells you it’s not an ear infection, but a small new species of mold that is growing inside of your head. And then you go home and tell your mom the bad news when you noticed she’s washing your pillowcase. You ask her “Why mommy? Why are you washing my pillowcases?” and she replies “Sorry son, your uncle taught me how to squirt last week and we didn’t have any towels, so we used these instead.”
I’m off to bed now, sleep tight Ellisfam.