Welcome to the Wednesday re-cap turd poppers! This is the day where you get your sort of in and out re-cap of TJES mixed with bits of rage because BABIES ARE SO GODDAMNED NEEDY THEY CAN’T LET DADDY GET THEIR WORK DONE. Speaking of fatherhood, Superdad Tully is out sick today, so just Jason and the Dog. Just like the good old days horribly dark days of yore. Let’s just hope it doesn’t end in tongue darting eachother’s mouths again.
A lot of talk right off the bat about how Stern takes a couple days off every week and wondering if it’s because he cares less or not. Hell no, they say, because Stern has been in the game so long, he doesn’t need to work 5 days a week because he’s a pimp. A guy called in to say he started listening to Ellis because of Stern and he thinks O&A ripped off Howard for too long and finds them unbearable. As far as Jason can tell, Stern has been doing this for 30 years and there isn’t much he hasn’t done. So if TJES or O&A end up doing something Stern has done before, they came up with it in their own style and put their own unique twist on it. It’s basically the law of The Simpsons. If you can think of it, the Simpsons did it, so fuck it. I listen to all 3 shows, O&A live, Howard mid-morning and Ellis afternoons, so I never get the lines drawn in the sand with some fans. Each show has it’s own strengths and it’s own Rawdog’s and they are all funny as fuck. Can’t we all just get along?
What happens when we don’t all get along.
Like I said, Tully wasn’t there so we had some early phone calls, one from some alcoholic chick who wanted a kick in the ass to quit drinking but got all whiny and defensive when Ellis tried to help and told her to go to meetings so fuck her. A concerned citizen called in to report a recall on Crystal Geyser water, so shout out to that dude I guess. Things started to get a bit rocky for new producer Dom when the names weren’t showing up on the phone calls, and he kept fucking up for what seemed like the whole show. So Ellis brought him in and berated him a bit on how to give phone calls, and holy shit, am I the only one who thinks Dom is starting to sound a bit like Will Pendarvis? His whole demeanor has shades of Will all over it and if you live in the LA area, beware if a long-haired stroke victim starts following you in his car. More phone calls concerning Wolfknives packages not showing up and TheWolfknives.com not working and this really started pissing Ellis off because his name is on it and people will blame him for it even though the guy couldn’t be further away from operating the shit.
Some 62 year old man was on vacation in Australia and wrestled a shark to save some kids in the ocean. But it gets better, the shark was just lost and got too close to shore, so the old man let the shark survive and released him. Red Dragons to that man. Un-Red Dragons to the asshole company he works for who fired him when the video of him wrestling the shark surfaced online. What type of boring, wimpy motherfuckers would be so threatened by a man wrestling a shark anyway? Oh right, British people. British people also are the founders of racism according to a story Rawdog cited that he read somewhere one time that he sort of remembered so I believe it entirely.
Saying you read it somewhere to a guy who can’t read at all takes a brave man. This man.
Another day, another Mach Madness Riff bracket on the line to find the world’s greatest riff of all time! Today was a motherfucker because all of these songs kick ass and choosing a winner was harder than choosing to get an abortion or not. On that note, I had to change and feed the shit monster during the beginning, but here’s the results.
Rolling Stones- Paint it Black vs. Led Zeppelin- Immigrant Song: Winner: Rolling Stones
Black Sabbath- N.I.B. vs. Led Zeppelin- Black Dog : Winner: Led Zeppelin
Final winner moving on to the next round: Led Zeppelin-Black Dog (Yeeeaaahh Mike Tython ith gonna be tho pumped!)
So like, Mickey Avalon like came on the show and shit and they like talked about how he like gets in fights with bigger like dudes and shit and like this one time he was on stage and these other dudes like got all butt-hurt because he was on stage for too like long or something and holy shit I have to admit I was really wishing the little shit machine wasn’t sleeping so I would have had an excuse to skip this one. Mickey’s a nice guy, and after all, he did play President Queefer Sutherland in Big Fucking Mega Boat, but God damn is the dude hard to listen to. He hangs out at the Viper Room from time to time and performs, so they talked about Tiger Box and came up with a couple good ideas for the show like ripping a hole in your pants before the show so it;s easier for the whores to grab onto your junk and try to rip it off.
Foot Hooker. The term doesn’t get the exposure in today’s society that I think it should. A woman was OH MY GOD I’M GOING TO SELL MY BABY TO SCIENTOLOGISTS. The real story wasn’t that interesting, but it did inspire a caller to call in about the one time she herself had been a Foot Hooker. Originally, she had been hired to stomp on the guy’s balls, but he needed a special table to be able to do it. Problem was, he didn’t have the table for whatever reason, so no ball stomping could be done. Quitting isn’t an option in the Foot Hooker world, so they went to Wal-Mart looking for this table to keep alive this ball stomping dream, but like always, Wal-Mart didn’t have it in stock. So she ended up letting him fuck her feet and shot a load all over them, therefore forever giving her the title of Foot Hooker.
This is what happens when foot fucking goes wrong folks.
Growler News? I guess? Dom got on some gay dating site as a bit for the show, and I guess the idea was for him to read the comments and it was going to be funny, but nothing was printed off and was trying to read it off his phone and the whole thing really pissed Ellis off. Dom fucked up a lot today, and it’s starting to be like Linsanity all over again, so he may get traded to Houston if he keeps this up.
Lion news: Here is where Ellis really started to lose his shit. He tried getting Rawdog to sing an intro, and like most things, Rawdog isn’t good at that. So naturally, Jason yelled at him until he did a slightly less awful version of it. Once we got into the news, there was something about an Illinois senator trying to ban the sale of Lion meat, which apparently is a thing people do. And a couple in Africa were killed by a Lion when they were having sex in the bush. Hey, better a Lion kills me than a slow, painful death from AIDS that I’m sure having sex in Africa earns you anyway.
Look, I’m going to level with you folks, today’s show kind of sucked. Jason was mad, Dom was stumbling, the guest was mediocre and Rawdog was dumb. Maybe calling in sick is Michael Tully’s sadistic way of showing us all how much he is needed on the show. Or he just really needed a day of NyQuil and furious masturbation to recharge his funny tank. Either way, a bad show is better than no show. You can really apply that thinking to just about everything in life. Except for herpes. No herpes is always better than any amount of herpes.
Now be a lad, and go fuck yourself.