I’m burning through the sky! 200 degrees that’s why they call me Mr. Fahrenheit! I’m travelling at the speed of light!!!!! I WANNA MAKE A SUPERSONIC MAN OUTTA YOU! Sorry, I’m on a Queen rampage(Fuck you, I mean the band) and I am un fucking stoppable! Much like Ellis, who seems to not be getting hit too hard with the anti-biotics and he is kicking ass at the gym and keeping his diet under control. But man, is pizza looking fucking good to him right about now. I mean, it’s bread which is awesome, plus cheese which is even better. How can you go wrong with bread covered in cheese and other delicious things like pepperoni, sausage, peppers and olives? He can still get the vegan, gluten-free pizzas they offer at hippie holes and he says they are still good, but seriously? Fuck off. You know when you are eating a pizza impostor and it’s always a little bit sad when you try and lie to yourself and pretend that you like the healthy shit. PIZZA ISN’T ABOUT HEALTH IT’S ABOUT HATING YOURSELF WHEN YOU ARE DONE. I can relate to Ellis at this point a bit because I’ve been trying to cut down to 185 from 200 for a few months(From a high of 265, mind you) and it is fucking excruciating to not eat delicious food for sake of a number on a scale. By the way, I hit 183 on Monday so yeah, I ate a large greasy meat filled pizza to celebrate. Like I said, I am UN FUCKING STOPPABLE. Moving on.
I carved that bite out with my tongue. Ladies.
As we have all heard The Onnit Naked Challenge is a thing Tully is doing so he can shed some weight and feel better about walking around the house without pants. He says he is feeling a bit in his upper thighs. Enough about the dude, because the other person who is doing the naked challenge, Katie, is way hotter and sounds way better doing the challenge today. If you didn’t still have a hard on from yesterday’s show, Katie showed up briefly to get her workout in. And I uhhh….I don’t really know how else to put this: If you go back and listen to her working out, you could probably masturbate to completion a couple of times on your way to work. I mean, I was cooking dinner for my family when I was listening to it and my junk was flinching a bit. I’m just gonna go ahead and admit here I have a gigantic fantasy crush on Katie. She is smoking hot and Jason is a lucky fucking dude. Again, I’m going to just move on before it gets weird.
As we heard previously, Tiger has discovered his testicles and is manipulating them in increasingly hilarious ways. And in proving he is a true chip off the old block, he’s got some jokes about how when he smashes them together they look like butt cheeks. And how he is no longer going to use his regular butt cheeks to go poopy, he is going to use his new ones. Fuckin’ adorable eh?
When is New York gonna give me my nuts back?
Rapid fire stuff from early on: Will looks like the fat guy from My Name is Earl and Mallrats. (Louie Lastic from Remember the Titans is how I remember him). The dick punch machine has gone missing. All logical signs point to Rawdog being the culprit so he doesn’t have to get cock punched with it anymore. The only thing he has that might clear him of any wrongdoing is that he may not be strong enough to lift it by himself and he has no friends who will help him. Poor little bugger. Fred Durst and Billy Ray Cyrus found out how to make aborted fetuses into musical instruments. And Chris “Thor” Hemsworth is apparently super outback, claiming to have lived in a farm with some Abbos back in the day. This lady’s boyfriend gave her AIDS on Instagram and Facebook. Josh found some more bullshit Sasquatch pictures. To sort of re-work Tully’s argument that if ghosts exist, we would have video proof with all of the camera phones in the world these days: If Bigfoot were real, out of all of the rural areas Bigfoot is supposedly sighted in, why hasn’t anyone shot one yet? It would stand to reason if someone saw something they would actually think is a Sasquatch (Or a Squatch if you haven’t seen a vagina in 10 years) that someone would have bagged and tagged shithead by now. And you know what? I FUCKING HOPE THEY DO KILL THAT MOTHERFUCKER. THINK YOU CAN ELUDE US FOR THIS LONG? HARRY AND THE HENDERSONS???? FUCK YOU! DIE! BEEF JERKY WHORE!
Women Am I Right? Thomas Hayden Church interrupted Women Am I Right today because why the fuck not? THC is the coolest dude ever, still filming his movie called Cardboard Boxer about a homeless dude who is pitted against other homeless guys in boxing matches by a bunch of rich kids. He is starring in it opposite Terrence Howard, which I just learned from this article. They played some Ellis Jeopardy which was unfairly rigged to fuck THC over, asking questions about people he has worked with in the past, and current TV shows. The game actually ended with nobody winning at all, goose eggs across the board, but was the usual entertainment that comes with Jason describing words that Wilson writes down for him. THC is an amazing guest too, because the game was treated with intermittent stories and conversations that sprouted off organically, and were genuinely interesting. Did I mention the dude got set on fire 8 times the night before? I didn’t? That dude is the man! What’s more is he finally called Tully’s wife to deliver the line “I need money” to her. For those who don’t know, Tully’s wife developed a running joke after she saw Spiderman 3 where she imitated THC’s line of “I need money” around in daily life. This just speaks to how cool THC is, that he would patronize himself for such a one-off inside joke like that for Tully and his wife. Cool Motherfucker.
We had 2 guests on the show today, the second one being WWE superstar/Fozzy frontman Chris Jericho. Now, if you’re like me, when you heard Chris Jericho was about to come on TJES you thought “What the fuck? Really?” Well, I’m hear to tell you, Chris Jericho is a fucking awesome guest. Him and Ellis warmed up to each other trading stories about injuries, music and chasing dreams from really early in life. Chris has even toured with Metallica with his band, Fozzy. The conversation flowed really well and it seems like Ellis and Jericho actually run in pretty much the with connections like Corey Taylor, Jim Florentine, Sebastian Bach and a couple others I can’t remember because of beer. They covered a lot of ground talking about how Chris’ band opened for Metallica, how he was originally a part of The Metal Show when it was a radio show but they booted him when it became a TV Show and Mike Tyson. Jericho even laid into Rawdog for being so little and nerdy for a while which was fucking hilarious. He hit the punch pad, landed a 63 tying with Sebastian Bach (Who Chris joked probably screamed “Duuuuuuddee” the whole way up to the pad). The interview went so well it took the show all the way to a close because Ellis had to go pick up his kids. I was really hoping it could have gone longer, but hopefully Jericho will come back because he left a good impression on the show and I could see him coming and riffing with the guys any time he is around like all of the guys I’ve mentioned earlier.
This was probably the most comprehensive Re-cap I have written in some time, and I attribute it to beer and QUEEN! Tonight I’m gonna have myself a real good time
I feel alive and the world it’s turning inside out Yeah!
I’m floating around in ecstasy
So don’t stop me now don’t stop me
‘Cause I’m having a good time having a good time
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to dance my way to the fridge, and make my wife question why she ever married me.