2014

Posted on September 17, 2014 by bitPimps 中

Sluts don’t like pants, Gary.

What’s up sluts? Y’all just slutting it up today? Getting your slut on? Slut on, slutters! It’s Wednesday and I’m bitPimps. I’ll be your recap host for today because CrackerStacker6 is trying to not get murdered by his wife today, it’s their anniversary. So take off your push-up bra, light some candles, and get ready for sluttastic sluttery! Ellis didn’t sleep much, but he wasn’t even tired so he went to watch some TV. Problem is, TV isn’t working. He sat there for 3 hours all by his lonesome until he realized “son of a bitch, I have a computer, and a website,” so that’s what he did. Not that slutty. But he ended up getting the TV to work later and accidentally ordered a foreign film that you have to read. I think it might have been Borgman. Slightly slutty. Hey, if you’re a Wolfknives member, can prove it, & are in LA, you can get in touch with Ellis and he’ll tell you where they are at and you can go down there and get a big fat box of shit, or a fat prostitute’s big fat box. Slut ding! Ab talk and Ellis was watching Hotdog on the video from the Roosevelt and he envisioned a thinner Hotdog. A Hotdog with abs. While Ellis was in Minnesota he wasn’t smoking weed, but he was jonesing for it. Not smoking weed & drinking isn’t very slutty, but Ellis is abstaining from it all until his birthday, so it’s hard for him to sleep, and he’s finding out he’s more psychotic without the weed but he’s going to power through it by staying busy. Ellis & Katie were supposed to go to the Madden brothers’ record release party but they got into a lover’s quarrel and ended up not going. Tully and his wife fought last night too. Sluts, am I right? Ellis & Tully, walking around all sluttily like they’re queen sluts or something. Control. Sluts love to be controlled. But we’re not talking about Janet Jackson here, we’re talking about Ellis being in control of all his shit, so that’s his goal for now. Tully was on Jada Pinkett-Smith’s Facebook page, because that’s how he likes to relax and slut it up, but she was talking about a friend of hers who committed suicide or something. Which I guess a lot people thanked the boys for talking about it yesterday. Ellis has to pick up the kids today and go watch Devin’s soccer game. The wild west was pretty fucking wild, 14-year-old chicks sleeping in the same bed as an old lady and a drunk dude. So wrong, but also so slutty. But wrong.

Your mom. Everyone knows.

Back from break and Ellis & Tully have learned some things during the break. Ellis got a call from school and learned Tiger has 103 temperature and has to be taken out of school immediately. He texted the mommy but hasn’t gotten a text back yet so he may have to leave in the next 15 minutes. Tully learned that the foreign film Ellis was watching this morning was indeed Borgman. BOOM! Score one for me! Now is a good time for Hotdog to host the show as Ellis now has to go make some calls. So here comes Hotdog for a call-in segment. He wants to know the worst place & timing you’ve farted. His worst fart experience was in summer school, right after a test. He lifted a cheek & let it rip, it was silent, but it was deadly. A foul smelling pocket of air that he could see how far it traveled as people started getting this look of horror on their faces. The teacher came back to tell him about his test results & he could tell the teacher was pondering puking. Will’s worst fart was in an elevator in NY on a Sunday, nobody is usually around. The elevator stopped & 7 people got on, it was clear Will was the culprit who had dealt it. Tully’s worst fart? He was dating this girl around the age of 13 or 14. Tully kissed her on a jungle gym in a park & they go into one of those play tubes and were making out & holding her. The stillness of dawn was fresh in the air and shabang! Audible fart wafting right up into his newly gotten girlfriend’s face… and she continued to date him. I should also mention, this wasn’t last week. Tully was 13 or 14 at the time too. This ushered in calls from listeners with their worst fart stories, chicks included. Breaking News: Ellis has to leave to go pick up Tiger, he apologized and left in a hurry while the fartstravaganza went on. What’s fart stories without Cumtard? He came in to tell how he would time his farts so he’d fart in a revolving door and watch lawyer’s going through the doors and getting trapped in a pocket of hot boxed fart air. Ahhh Cumtard, we would expect nothing less of you and your farting tactics. One of the more memorable caller stories was a guy who works in manholes in New York City, they routinely have to carry air quality measuring devices. He let one rip and it was so bad the sensors started going off and his co-worker was yelling for him to get out of there before he blows up, but of course it was just his ungodly fart. And with that, they had to cut Hotdog’s fart segment short, go to break and come back with a best-of. Hopefully Hotdog will get to finish his fart segment tomorrow or sometime soon because it was going pretty well – wafting it’s way into outer space and beaming back down and into our faces. Super slutty! Thus ends this recap. Remember sluts, keep them farts coming, but try to keep them discreet unless you’re getting paid extra for them. Like your mom, Fart Butt Slut Ingrid.

Even grandma knows about your mom.

WAIT!!! ELLIS IS BACK!

Ellis got a new watch today from Electric Visual. It’s pretty cool, but it’s not as cool as Wilson’s watch where he can watch videos and shit on it. If he were so inclined to do so. Or if he even wore the damned thing. Tully (and Ellis really) are collectively 187-years-old when it comes to technology, but they see how cool it is. They think someone needs to raise the watch game so you can watch UFC Fight Pass, porn, or webcam on your wrist. Kids today can’t tell analog time, which kind of doesn’t surprise me, most kids these days are borderline retarded. Larry Bird is huge, he still has his beak nose, but is starting to look like grandma (see above). It’s widely alleged that Joan Rivers’ doctor took a selfie picture of himself and a dying Joan Rivers, clearly he has a PhD in class. Ellis’ aunt has had a ton of plastic surgery and is rocking a nice set of tits. He may grab them during his Australian tour. If you were a woman and a slut, what would you teach your daughter about promiscuity? STDs and dirty old men? And if you were a man and a slut, what would you teach your son about promiscuity? STDs and crazy bitches?

Who is more popular on the old Facebooks, Steven Seagal or Jean-Claude Van Damme? Seagal, he teaches MMA fighters how to kick. How about Will Smith versus his wife and kids? Will Smith by far, 3 times more than his own family. Seagal. What about 311 or Danzig? Unfortunately, 311. How about Floyd Mayweather or The Undertaker? More than twice as famous is The Undertaker. How about Ellis versus Heelies? ELLIS! Morrissey or Hulk Hogan? Hulkamania is running wild over Morrissey. And what do they all have in common? Total sluts, big time sluts, a dream team of sluts! Wolfknife Blowgay Simpson is now the new WWE correspondent for The Jason Ellis Show, he’ll be calling in every Monday with wrestling updates. YouTube has Tully figured out. It doesn’t matter what computer he logs in from, YouTube knows what he wants. “You done watching that? Here, watch some Thomas The Train videos. No? Here’s some Def Leppard for you! In more of a German mood? Here’s some gaping videos for you.” Sounds like Ellis & Tully will be watching and reviewing the movie The Fifth Element sometime soon, like they did with Over The Top. And there you have it, sluts! The recap was a slutty, there was a hiccup and a fart here and there, but overall, pretty sluterific. Now get out there and enjoy yourself, you know you sluts don’t get started early so you should still have plenty of time to slut it up. Slut ya later. See ya on the slut side. SLUT DRAGONS!

Show Re-Cap for Monday 9/15/2014

Posted on September 15, 2014 by bitPimps 中

Dingo weighs in on Airbnb.

Hey sisters! How was your weekends? Guess what. That’s right, it’s Monday! You’re so smart. Now let’s see if you can wrap your head around this recap. So sounds like Jetta got canned, he no longer works for the show and I think he may have known the day would be coming. Dingo’s starting to look like an animal, with his hair on his head & his hair on his face. Ellis took a shit and vomited at the same time at 5:30 this morning, but he’s doing great and so is Dingo. So what caused the metal shit vomit episode? Dunno. Could’ve been Roscoe’s House of Chicken and Waffles or the forced beer or a combo of both or maybe none of the above. Hey, Dingo was in Denver this weekend, on purpose, he wanted to be there. Smoking weed, visiting a grow room, scoping shit on Airbnb (which Tully has tried to use before), watching The Misfits (sans Glenn Danzig), in the Grenade RV, etc. Turns out this house they stayed in, they were being filmed by the creep who owned the place & who touched Dingo in a funny way. It sounds like a super sketchy time at Creepy McDaniels’ house of love, leaving Dingo to think that he’s done with Airbnb. Turns out one of his friends got scammed by someone on Airbnb. So if you’re keeping score, Airbnb experiences thus far have produced an uncomfortably creepy situation and a scam where someone lost money. You can piss out your ass, but it’s not really pee, it’s poo water. Tully took his kid swimming this weekend, his kid had to pee like 3 times in an hour, so there they are, waiting in the bathroom to pee. Some dude was standing there trying to piss with open sores and toenail fungus going all gnarly, so much fungus it looked like it connected two toenails. That was just on the left foot, right foot, same fucking deal. Fungal bridge on the toes. And here’s Tully walking all barefoot on the same ground as Fungal Man. Contrary to popular belief, Dingo did not save a life this weekend. So Ellis went racing UTVs this weekend, jumping this shit out of the UTV. Get this, he won his race, but he got disqualified because some 15-year-old and his entire family protested. Little shit took Ellis’ trophy, man!

Mayweather fight was this weekend, $75 fucking dollars for PPV and Tully’s wife wanted it, so they got it. And then she passed out in the 4th round. He’s the biggest draw in boxing, but everyone is losing interest in his fights, even gamblers in Vegas. Boxing talk went on for awhile and I kind of zoned out. Horse Force in New York tickets are on sale, if you can make it there, you should. MMA News time, Andrei Arlovski was back and knocked out Bigfoot Face Sliva. That was surprising all the way around because nobody even knew Arlovski was still around.

Dingo & Cumtard getting dominated was awesome!

Speaking of ass kickings, dominatrix Hudsy Hawn is in studio today to dominate Dingo. Immediately, Dingo was talking too much (surprise!) and almost got gagged. He got cropped and was told to kis Hudsy’s boots while saying “hello”. Hudsy rode Dingo like a horse. Dingo learned what CBT stood for, “cock & balls torture” which he got threatened with, he was completely unsexy about the entire thing. He got felony stopped and hand cuffed and we learned he uses his right hand to jerk off. He was stripped down to his underwear and started getting flogged and thanking his mistress for it while asking for another. He was told to wear some chapstick and sing “I wanna be loved by you…” and “I’m your Dingho Mistress Hudsy” and “Mistress, I’m your Dingho”. Several times Ellis had to tell him to shut up because he just keeps talking. The punishment? Mistress Hudsy stuffed his shorts in his mouth. He was taught his left from his right and made to crawl up on his mistresses lap where he received a paddling for each year of his life. Dingo was reduced to a female Elmer Fudd, almost in tears, begging and thanking for his whippings. Dingo got a little chubbed up from his experience. Which of course made Cumtard jealous, so he had to experience a couple of paddlings too. He was asked a couple questions and got a good paddling each time he answered, it was fucking hilarious to hear him scream how much he loves comic books and such. I’ll tell you this much, this dominatrix knows her shit, that’s for sure. You can tell she’s a professional at this shit. It was amazing. She had Cumtard going full tard and bringing him back just enough to start answering a question before he went full on tard again. He was forced to do some promos for show while the mistress helped him along. I don’t know about anyone else, but I was thoroughly entertained between laughing at Dingo & Cumtard and the dominatrix was actually super interesting.

Chicks love pig skin talk. That and shitting in a field of flowers.

Today is LGBT community center day, so if you’re interest you go to their website. I don’t know what it is because I didn’t get a chance to write it down. Some Chinese dude died from jerking off. He was donating sperm for the fourth time in the same day and didn’t come out for 2 hours. Staff found him slumped over, not trying to suck himself off, but dead. So after kicking off the football season with knocking out fiancees, it’s time for some NFL talk. Is the NFL evil? Do they support beating women? Are they motivated by money and Satan? It’s highly doubtful, but maybe. Anyway, this basically turned into a long discussion about beating women and how fucked up it is. Then we finally got to some NFL questions for Dingo & Ellis. It started off on real bright note about Adrian Peterson and child abuse! Jesus. Let’s try it again. Finally, finally, some NFL questions for Dingo & Ellis. Wait… here comes Will and now their talking about renaissance fairs. Let’s try it again, again. Finally, finally, finally some NFL questions for Dingo & Ellis. Nobody on the show knows shit about the NFL so they went around the room for a quick overview of what everyone knows about the NFL. Still no questions though. Let’s try it again, again, again. Finally, finally, finally, finally, some NFL questions for everyone except Tully. Here we go. It’s gonna come. Any minute now. Almost. Real soon. The first play of a game is called “the opening” what? Answer: Kick off. How many men on a team are on the field at all times? Answer: Eleven. There are 8 offensive positions, name as many positions as you can. Answer: I’ve gotta go sit in traffic so go Google that shit if you don’t know. I almost missed the remaining questions while I sat in traffic, so I hope you listened like I did – because I got nothing for ya.

Justin Bua and Urijah Faber called into the show. You may remember Ellis recently had kind of an awkward moment with Faber while at the TUF premiere. Sounds like things are all good, a little touch and go, but good. Faber still wants Ellis to be on his cartoon about fighting stories, but his cartoon character might have a tattoo on his neck of Urijah’s name. Fair enough. Oh, Dingo’s dad is in the green room. Dingo will be going to Australia on Wednesday, and Ellis bought plane tickets to go to Australia at some point too, so he can no longer back out of it. This lead us into the signature segment, “Come inside my third brown eye”, where Ellis interprets the dreams of listeners. Will got things started with his recent dream where he actually woke up screaming. He was in a reptile pet store and heard a loud crash, glass is everywhere and there’s a baby on the floor covered in snakes. This is where Will woke up screaming. The interpretation? Will is terrified that’s he’s going to fuck something up with the show or break something and all that responsibility is getting to him. Tully finished off the show with some interesting stats about the world and it sure made living in a developed country look just as appealing as it is. And that ends seals up the recap. Were you able to wrap your head around it? I hope so, because you won’t be able to ask your mom, she’s got her lips wrapped around my pee-pee. OH!

Show Re-Cap for Monday 9/8/2014

Posted on September 8, 2014 by bitPimps 中

You’re not fooling me, Tony Stewart!

Yay. Monday. I’m here to recap the shit outta TJES for your asses. Ellis got pulled over in the Porsche after he got back from his racing weekend, however he got let off with a warning, so shout out to cool cops. He was still in racing mode, driving with one foot on the break, and one on the gas, hey! Speaking of racing, he did in fact race this weekend, and yup, he flipped his ride Yardsale style. Before all that though, after leaving the Roosevelt and going straight to the airport, Ellis’ carry-on got checked and he forgot he had a straight razor and a pocket knife in there. That was obviously a no-go so he was forced to leave both of them there to catch his plane to Minnesota. There’s a lot of grass there, but there are also cities there – two of them! He lands and boom, they lost his luggage and he goes to the rental car company and gets vibed right away by the counter person and almost doesn’t get his rental. He’s driving around St. Paul with a dead phone, goes & buys a car phone charger at a gas station so he can power on his phone and figure out where the hotel is. He doesn’t have his sleeping pills so no sleep, so far he’s having a blast. Next day, he makes his way to the biggest hee-haw event of the year where dudes are doing burnouts, blasting diesel smoke into the air, and hee-hawing the shit out of their down-to-earth, southern Canadian asses. The fans he ran into there were super cool, salt of the earth kinda people and he was happy. So two things from this, one, Ellis is addicted to sleeping pills, and that’s it. Before we reached the second thing we’re talking about seat belts, someone else’s helmet, someone else’s gloves, and someone else’s jacket. At least that’s what I’m hearing. The highlight the whole weekend was Ellis jumping this jump at the end of the track. He was kinda bummed about being Yardsale again and breaking the car 3 times, but it’s all good – he knows he needs practice, plus he has motivational speaker, Dingo, there to help guide and motivate him to keep trying. So what’d Dingo do all weekend? He hung out with his couch, but also hung out with Duran Duran and saw Mel Gibson, he ran into Benji Madden and Rob Dyrdek too.

Follow @wolfmate or I’m photoshopping clothes on all the womens!

MMA News time. Jason thinks he should be an MMA announcer because of the way Dingo says his parts in the MMA intro. Ben Rothwell let Overeem do his thing for a minute and then decided to punch him in the dome and Overeem was knocked the fuck out. Rothwell did some weird white guy dance next to Overeem but everyone let that shit slide because he nobody likes Alistair Overies. Jacara Souza beat Gegard Mousasi and Matt Mitrione beat Derrick Lewis. Joe Lauzon won his fight by stoppage and was awarded fight of the night. In Instagram News, Ellis is really close to 100k followers, and who doesn’t like nice round numbers, so Cumtard is here to help gain some followers by getting the electric fly swatter in the dark treatment. So let’s do this. Ray Rice. He won h is own personal UFC Fight Night bonus by knocking out his fiancee in an elevator. The big problem with that win is that he has now been terminated by the Baltimore Ravens and suspended indefinitely by the NFL. What a good guy that Ray Rice is. Tully had to step in because Dingo is talking about completely different guy on a completely different team. Classic.

Shout out to everyone who bid on the Wolf Art drawing the guys did, in the end they raised over $2,000 for cystic fibrosis. A naked man went on a violent rampage at Oregon’s Hemp Fest. Tully & his son saw some pretty harsh shit when they went for a burger & ice cream over the weekend, totally harshing their mellow. Some dude asked Tully for a hug, it was weird. Ellis is looking for names for their week of events while they are in New York, where Horse Force will be playing, so everyone toyed around with that for awhile, sounds like “TJES: Tour de Horse Force” might be the winner.

Going to New York is serious business.

Check this shit out, it’s History Lesson time with Ellis and Dingo! Allegedly, DNA tests “prove” that Jack the Ripper was a Polish immigrant named Aaron Kosminski, who was a chief suspect in the murders. But actually he was a part-time doctor and policeman who worked for the FBI as chief cutter offer of tits. Before Mark McGwire was the home run king ding-a-ling, he played for the Blue Jays and wasn’t Jack shit. He got all roided up and had a home run off with Sammy Soda and cried all over his big head as he drove blistering line drive home runs past everyone on the field. He also has a fat son he kisses and cries on a lot, then he cried to congress. Tupac Shakira was shot and Dingo thinks it’s unfortunate he got shot in Vegas and not in California because that’s how Pac would’ve wanted it. Suge Knight might have been a part of it, but Mase was probably the trigger man, which explains why he turned to Jesus. 99 years ago today, the first tank was unveiled. It was built by Hitler and John Volvo and Mike Audi. Dick / Jan Blazarian’s great-great-great grandfather may have also had a hand in making the first tank. On September 6, 1522, Magellan was chillin’ and circumnavigating the globe with his wood shoes, this is before Australia even existed, but did exist as Aboland. It was also before women were allowed to sail, float, or ride a magic carpet. Anyway he got shot with a poison arrow by the little people with little shrunken heads and died like a motherfucker.

History. A reliable source for historical puns.

Cal Ripken played some hardball and he beat Lou Gehrig down in a parking lot in Camden Yards, thereby killing Gehrig and took over his record. September 5, 1847, Jessie James was born and was one hell of a bank robber and chopper builder. He was a handsome fellow and if you didn’t like him, you were 100% un-American and would be invited to eat shit. On August 29, 1958, Michael Jackson was born a poor black child and his parents & siblings forced his cute little ass to sing so they could make some money. He wanted to be Elizabeth Taylor and she would jerk him off, but he couldn’t shoot loads and therefore has children that are not from his loins. On August 24, 79, people are freaked the fuck out by all the ghosts roaming around Rome (not the Sublime guy) and a volcano erupted and created Boston and Sicily while killing a shit load of people, it also froze a bunch of people and to this day you can still get a selfie with a dude screaming for his life. Hawaii became the final state in the union on August 21, 1959. Duh. There was a huge food fight for Hawaii and America and Captain Cooke won and there you have it. Aloha, fuck face! Mich Jagger murdered a black guy at the 1969 Woodstock Festival. Jimi Hendrix was there to play the National Anthem after his look-alike was murdered in the crowd, who were there for free sex. The Berlin wall, Dingo spray painted that shit and it was there to keep Germans away from Germans because Hitler. Fidel Castro was gansta-gansta but lacked the backing to do shit, he invented the perm and tried his best, but he was no Jessie James so he was killed in Africa by his own people, for being evil. The French still eat “baskettes” (as Dingo calls it) and still don’t shower. But they got The Louvre, which is not a piece of paper, a song, a band, a little fish that swims up your dick & kills you, a mustache, or a bullet train – but is one of the world’s largest museums and a historic monument. Andy Warhol, he’s gay and an alien. Lucille Ball was an actress, ya turd balls, an actress who got off on getting beaten by an immigrant. Marilyn Monroe, born Bitch-Face Monroe, was a mean bitch who had a mean bitch face, she fucked the President and dyked out with Jackie Onassis. Cleopatra is an Arabian bitch who wrapped herself in a sex burrito and gave herself to Sublime with Rome and had a kid and then split.

And there you have it. All done. How’d I do? Tell me on Twitter, because you can’t here.

Show Re-Cap for Friday 9/5/2014

Posted on September 5, 2014 by bitPimps 中

Who wants champagne & titties?

It’s Friday, bitches! I’ll be your host for today, bitPimps here filling in for my brother from another vagina, AZ_RedDragon, while he’s off marrying his sister or watching his sister get married, I forget which. TJES is broadcasting live from the Roosevelt in Hollyweird, with a bunch of chicks with tits. Oh, and let’s not forget Hotdog & his donkey dick are there, ready to get some action. Of course the crew is there, except for Wilson – he’s back at the studio schmoozing up on Shannon The Animal Gunz. Nipplopolis and her husband are there, so is Fonzo – lucky fuckers. Everyone has been notified that Hotdog is a virgin and has never felt a boob, a butt, or anything. Oh, by the way, this is all streaming free on OfficialJasonEllis.com. Jetta tried to rally the girls to play some nude limbo, not a single chick spoke up. So Katie tried to rally the girls to see if anyone wanted to do some nude arm wrestling against her, nobody said shit again until finally one of the girls nominated another girl to do it. Champagne is popping to try and get the girls to loosen up and participate in anything other than chatting with each other. On an odd / interesting note, Joanna Angel doesn’t like her nipples played with, but she’s cool with 6 dicks and a finger in her ass. Go figure. Joanna started to dominate Katie, she really came out of the gate strong by asking her to sit / lay down. hahaa Things turned a little more violent after Katie was being choked & asked to be slapped, which Joanna obliged to the point she thought maybe Ellis was going to beat her up for slapping Katie so hard.

The only time in history nobody complained about the camera being blocked.

Back from break and it’s time for Katie to defend her arm wrestling title, this time against Jessie Lee. Two more chicks arm wrestled for Over The Top supremacy and the Mexican chick straight up cheated by using both hands and an illegal titty grab on her opponent. Some chick there who writes porn & tests out masturbation products for women has not tested a product because she was worried that it might produce air in her vagina which would kill her via air-embolism. Anyway, she lost her arm wrestling bout. Two more chicks are up for their turn at the Over The Top challenge, the cheating Mexican and a fully mixed chick with a ghetto booty. I think the half-breed chick won, then she went for the previous winner and took her out as well. Now is the championship round with Katie and Larry? I don’t know, that’s what it sounded like, it’s the mixed breed chick. So they go at it left handed and Katie won. Next round was right handed and mixed chick won. Vagina inflation update from Cumtard, theoretically, you could die from air in your vagina. Now, on to limbo, except nobody wants to limbo – at least not in without a nice set of heels to wear. Things finally started getting under way with about 6-8 contestants. It got whittled down to a group of 3 super flexible women, all of whom tied for champion of the limbo contest. For his efforts holding the limbo pole, Hotdog got a hot Mexican’s ass twerking on his pee-pee.

What could be better than a hot chicks ass? Tully’s ass.

Hotdog going to do man work, feeling boobs!

Back from break and we got a story of a man whose buddy stuck an air-compressor hose in his buddies ass and blew his guts up. Oh, and food is now served! Hotdog has disappeared into the bathroom, allegedly to get a quick jerk session in before he starts judging boobs. He may also be a little drunk already, after-all he’s only had a peanut butter & marshmallow sandwich to eat so far. But enough about blown out guts and sandwiches, let’s get Hotdog feeling some boobies. He’s going to freestyle how he feels them, no coaching involved. He’ll be standing behind each set of tits, taking the back route, under the arm, all the way to titty-ville. So the first set of tits are from Jessie Lee, and how did Hotdog like them? “I can’t lie, they feel pretty awesome.” was his lackluster response. Second set of titties, I don’t know this chicks name, his response was pretty much the same, except he added he thinks he might like bigger tits better, to a set of smaller tits. Class act, that Hotdog. hahaa Third set of tits were those of Phoenix Askani, she’s into buttholes and weed, and she’s drunk. Hotdog grabbed his 3rd set of tits and Phoenix feels like she’s getting a mammogram. Fourth set of titties are those from someone I don’t know, she doesn’t know her own Twitter, so it’s cool. He not only felt her boobies, she showed him her wee-wat. Fifth set of titties are those of Jenna Valentine, she has massive jugs and Hotdog had to really put his back into it. In the end, who won? Everyone. Fuck it, when tits are out, there are no losers.

Fonzo didn’t realize winning meant he’d have to be that close to Cumtard’s ass tail.

Back from break and it’s time for some chicks to workout, breathe heavy, and say stuff. Brendan Schaub and Bryan Callen have showed up, strictly in a professional capacity of course. There’s about 10 girls participating in this at the same time. Some girls will be doing squats with kettle bells while the others will be doing ladder climbs for 45 seconds to 1 minute. I’ve gotta pull a Hotdog here and say, I’m not gonna lie, it started out sounding like that German gape porn and turned into something out of one of the Saw movies or something. hahaha The Mexican chick is telling her story about almost lighting a man on fire to Callen and Schaub – you may remember how into pain play Callen was last time he was on the show. Brendan Schaub will now show the girls some Jiu-Jitsu technique by laying on his back while a girl will get into his guard and try to escape or tap out. After she taps (or escapes hahaha) another girl will take her place to try escaping as well. But first, Callen has to get in a 5% gay guard to show the girls what they will be doing and the girls are demanding Schaub takes off his shirt. Schaub took out three chicks as well as a surprise attack by Katie, so Schaub gets to have his arm raised for beating up 3 different chicks. The ladies are starting to sound like drunk construction workers making cat calls and getting a little rapey with there demands to get Schaub nude, grab his dick, etc. He may need to be escorted out with security, I don’t know. It’s time for a break and the pin the tail on the donkey, or “stick a pin in Cumtard’s ass”, whatever you wanna call it. And yes, he will donning the C-string.

MumTard must be so proud of her little CumAngel.

Back from break and Cumtard and his yam bag in a c-string are apparently a hit with the ladies, they keep screaming and smacking his ass. Whitney is enamored by Cumtard’s c-string. It took awhile to get the ladies going as they were on the bed taking pictures and such. Eventually things got under way and some ladies put some pins right in his curdled ass. Phoenix seemed to really take pleasure in her turn as she not only stuck the pin in his ass, but then proceeded to slap it home several times. This Dave dude from the UFC who came with Whitney via Onnit has given Cumtard his last warning, his dick is way too close for comfort. Oh yeah, and that Kellie chick who is friends with Katie took the body wash she co-created with Ellis and ate some of it, it tasted salty. There ya go. Chicks were also getting some anal lube from their throats. Somewhere along the way, Christian Hand snuck his way into the party, he’s never turns down an opportunity to meet some semi-naked hot chicks. The remainder of the show was spent talking with “Mr. Miami Club Scene” Brendan Schaub, fighting, UFC, and big booty babes he doesn’t discriminate against. Ellis is off to Minnesota, he will be racing this weekend and it will be on some ABC Sports channel, so check that out if you want. And there you have it folks. Enjoy your weekend, like the rest of us enjoyed your mother, over, and over, and over, and over… Rinse & repeat.

Show Recap for Thursday 9/4/2014

Posted on September 4, 2014 by bitPimps 中

Welcome to Thursday’s recap, it’s a “special” recap today, AZ_RedDragon & bitPimps here filling in for jennimazky. We decided to do a bullet point recap, because why the fuck not? So hopefully you like it and hopefully we get to turn your mom out until 2015 – she’s a high earner.

Ellis is not fat for a not in shape guy but he can’t settle for that.
More hair on your back means you’re dying. Or maybe more fat than fit means your dying. At least to Ellis it does. If his face falls off, great. Just as long as he can do push-ups and shit.
Tully’s kid kind of learned how to swing. So Tully decided to join him on the swing set and his less juicy head felt gross. Tully’s brain isn’t as juicy as it used to be. He got all head sicky from swinging. Welcome to getting older. He has reconciled with his aging, and drier brain.
Ellis remembered the time he was in rehab dealing with his dad blowing him, and Ellis wanted to do shit, he thought about running away and flipping tables, but the rehab lady talked him out of that shit.
Ellis is not done yet. Trampoline World & consecutive kickflips are still in the cards.
“You only have one death to spend and I’d like to spend mine awesomely” – Orville Reddinbacher (Not the popcorn guy, the author guy.)
Everyone has 1 death to spend, so you could spend that death however you see fit. Feel lucky for spending the time you have. All parties end. Don’t be a bitch and cry at the end because that’s on you. Also Joan Rivers is dead, goodbye funny lady. Thank you for the laughs.
When you die you don’t have to see Tully’s grandma if you don’t want to but she’ll probably have pie. Tully doesn’t want to see his grandparents in Heaven, but he thinks his grandma has been baking lemon meringue pies, patiently waiting for him to die and show up.
Will says when Tully dies, his heart will be so full of love, he’ll want to see his grandparents.
Betty White is still alive and kicking.
Wolfknives photoshoot and live show at the Roosevelt tomorrow. Lots of girls, lots of drinking, and Hotdog is a virgin. He practiced by honking Cumtard’s boobs.
Nick Cannon announced on Twitter that he never has nor will he ever be eaten by Mariah Carey.
Dying is metal, unless you’re being smothered by cotton candy.
Ellis will be racing over the weekend in Minnesota, eh. And it will be broadcasted live on CBS Sports, check your local listings and flux capacitor for details
Persians are the New Jersey Guidos of Los Angeles. Persians aren’t as uptight as the Orientals about their rugs.
Armenian’s are scary, Tully buys his Falafels from some tough mother fuckers.
Some Nick dude who gave a wrong number, challenged Ellis to play 1 on 1 hockey, 1 on 1 rugby, and also fight him. Challenge accepted.
Texas dude bought a million dollar car, got two million worth of insurance, drove it into a lake, got busted for insurance fraud, now Bruce from cell block 4 has a new butt bitch.
Hotdog went to the candy store to buy some cotton candy and Ellis is trying to kill Cumtard with it. It didn’t work, so Tully ate some cotton candy.
Tully has a theory that every man with a normal sex drive has masturbated at work at least once. I’m jerking off right now.
I came.
Fuck Manners.
Only 24 hours left to bid on the wolf art. Have you got that flux capacitor working yet?
Worlds largest dinosaur has been found called the Hugefuckingdinosaurus.
Texas man got stabbed by his roommate because his 35th birthday threesome was too noisy. And because his roommate is a jealous cunt.
Don’t get Tully started on the water pressure at his house.
Ellis & Tully watched “Over The Top” and gave a complete break down of the movie. The only thing better than watching Over The Top is watching Over The Top twice!
There’s a Chinese Batman running around being all mysterious and shit as he delivers egg foo young and poo poo platters.
Wolfknife names.
What The Fuck song lyrics, Holy Diver, Give It Away Now, aww fuck it, you guys don’t need a list. Moving along.
MMA chicks. Biceps and vaginas and punching oh my!

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Show Re-Cap for Wednesday 9/17/2014

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Show Recap for Thursday 9/4/2014