Hey there all you lovely fucks!!!! I had some serious Sirius issues today, so I’m gonna warn you now that this is only like 80% of a recap of what went on today but It figured that 80% is wayyyyyyy better than 0% so I’m writing it anyway!!!!! And if you don’t like that, then you can go right ahead and fuck yourself :D
Ellis is in the studio today, and yeah, that’s about it because, man, is his ass giving him all sorts of problems. But he made it in today and therefore we will all rejoice and listen to whatever Ellis is going to tell us all about his hole. It’s everything, guys, he tells us wonderful and dedicated listeners everything about what is going on with his ass (and if you’re a lucky member of Official Jason Ellis you can even go to the website and get a look into his hole, thanks to the ever-lovely Katie) and man, he has some ass issues. He Ellis apologized a few times about talking about his ass in so much detail for those whoso cup of tea is not a grown man’s bleeding asshole…but this is his show and his life and he’s going to talk about the bleeding, rotting, death mess that he calls a butt right now. Bleeding ass is not my cup of tea…I don’t like talking about back door bodily functions. At all. It’s gross. And yeah, I know that my mouth has been on ass and I’ve thoroughly enjoyed the experience…but that is sosososososososo different. So…what’s going on with Big Daddy Jay’s poop chute? As you probably know, if you’ve been listening or keeping up on this wonderful site, Ellis has been suffering at the non-hands of some really stubborn hemorrhoids, and those fucks are not giving up. He hasn’t been able to sit or stand and they’re bleeding and draining and being sliced open by ass doctors over and over…It was so bad over the weekend that Ellis was thinking about completely blowing off the ‘Dude, Am I A Slut’ porn shoot with Joanna Angel and the Burning Angels and going to the ER. But, Ellis didn’t do that (because he’s a man and the doctor said it could wait until Monday morning in the office) and he made it to the porn shoot on Sunday, more on that in a couple of paragraphs, and had the doctor slice open and drain his ass on Monday where Katie was prepared to document it with the Go Pro. Ugh. At least there was no in-studio review of the footage like last week. But there was a lovely in depth description of the leaking bloody fluid and it’s smell, the death smell, and how Ellis has toilet paper shoved up into his hole to stem the flow of the leaky butt juice of doom and ick!!! I’m keeping my fingers crossed that Ellis’s butt booboos are soon to heal and that we listeners nevernevernever have to hear of this again.
But currently, Ellis is still going through this so we will be subjected to listening about his anal leaking death as long as he feels he needs to share it. I don’t really blame him, it may not be my cup of tea, but I’m pretty sure if I were him and I had millions of sympathetic ears at my disposal, I would be doing the same thing. Ask Hubbs, if I have a boo boo, all he does is hear about it lol. Trying to be helpful to Ellis’ ass situation, Andrew the Giant brought in one of those giant exercise balls for him to sit on while he was hosting, but Ellis can’t sit on it so he passes it on to Tully who happily bounces on it for the rest of the show while Ellis is probably shifting uncomfortably from hip to hip in his chair for four hours. Doesn’t that make you feel a little special? This man, who’s job it is to sit for four hours and talk and entertain us, currently cannot sit without extreme discomfort, but he still showed up to do his job and be entertaining as fuck. So, they get talking about the whole porn shoot that was happening over the weekend that Tully and Ellis were privy to, as writers, and it sounds like it was a pretty fun experience for them both. Ellis got to be there live and in person on Sunday (powering through his ass pain) but Tully was only there remotely as he was cohosting a Holiday Cookie Party with his wife over the weekend. Tully commented how it was a weird juxtaposition to be receiving texts from Joanna with stills of people fucking each other to playing silly party games and playing with kids and eating baked goods with his family. Ellis said that being at the porn shoot was pretty cool, and it was sorta fun but weird to watch how it was all done. It sounded like a bunch of people in a room casually fucking each other and then posing for the camera, but Ellis said that it was a pretty impressive skill that the dudes had for being able to keep themselves hard for as long as the did. I don’t really know anything about having boners, because I don’t have a bone, but I do know that usually if a boner isn’t being paid attention to it gets all sad and lonely and floppy within a few minutes so I guess being able to hold a solid bone for 20 minutes is pretty sweet. Or that thing, priapism, where you should seek medical attention and have a needle shoved into your dick. Ellis watched guys get fluffed, and noticed that yeah, some guys do have really nice penises and, if he were a girl, he could see how it would be fun to be railed by them. There was, however, a creepy guy there, and no one wants to have to be fucked by the creepy guy. Duh. Lol…it’s just funny to think about Ellis being there and passing judgement on the creepy guy and thinking in his mind, ‘man, I would never wanna be fucked by that guy’.
And then Jude came by and, damn, was he looking sharp!! At least Ellis thought so, asking if he’d lost weight or gotten a raise or a new stylist or something, but it turns out that Jude just had a cut and a shave…and yeah, folks, when you’re as sexy as Jude- that’s all it takes!!! And Jude decided to ask how Ellis’s ass was and the ass discussion picked back up, but I’m going to kind of skip over that part because I said my piece about it, and if you need a refresh please feel free to scroll up to the second paragraph. They do, however, then get into a conversation about how talking about ass things, for some people, is a super intimate conversation but they all are able to do it without thinking about it too much because of being on the radio. Must be nice to have no qualms about talking about bleeding ass leakage in mixed company. Tully admits that he’s always had a hard time toeing the fine line in DudeBro conversations that lies between perfectly acceptable and ‘Dude! Overshare!’ His example being one where he was talking to someone who mentioned they were a hairy person and had super hairy legs and when Tully furthered the conversation by saying he had hairy legs and a hairy ass he got the, “Woah, bro!” reaction. Woah Bro Reaction should be a thing, I think…can I get that trademarked? Anyway, Jude says that he thinks that it’s way more ‘gay’ to be talking about having hairy legs than it is to be talking about having a hairy ass…but where he comes from, anything you say gets you called an F-bomb or gay because yeah, eating an ice cream cone, like you’re enjoying that dick in your mouth, bro.
Ellis mentions during the ass talk that he is going to Australia with Katie and the kids for Christmas and he’s dreading it (but hopefully by dreading it, it won’t be so bad when it actually happens) and asks Jude what his plans are for the holidays. Jude is going to the homestead in Detroit and he’s kind of pissed that it’s going to cost him 2 grand for the flight and the car rental because any other time of year, he could be going to a much cooler place, because airlines jack the price up as high as it can go around the holidays to punish you for loving your family. Tully is the only one of the three staying in town for the season, but his mother in law is coming to visit, which is cool because Tully is sure she’ll be taking Wifey and Little Dude away for days at a time and he’ll be able to write porn and look at stills from the shoot whenever he wants. Jude seems excited for Tully that his mother in law will be around, because, surprise surprise Jude has met Tully’s MIL and thinks she’s a cool lady. Cumtard then came in to talk about his weed vale pen with a bong attachment that made him feel like he was free-basing weed (because he’s ridiculous) and apparently he was wearing one of those oh-so-chic Ugly Christmas Sweaters (sorry, I don’t buy into that bullshit where ugly sweaters are funny and ‘in’ now) and Ellis asks if he should be doing something for Christmas in the hotel for the kids because they still believe in Santa and shit. Jude and Tully advise him that yeah, he probably should, and then they go to the first break after Jude makes his signature ‘Foreally Show’ promo exit.
Back from the break the one and only, way tougher than Kenda Perez, Forest Griffin is on the phone to talk about the UFC fights over the weekend. But this is one of the places where Sirius decided to stop working for me and I couldn’t get it back until after they went to the second break. I mean, it may be all for the best because I don’t think I’m ever really all that good at talking about them talking about the UFC cause even when I do get the oppurtunity to watch the fights I never know which guy is which or the outcomes or anything (unless someone kicks someone else in the face and knocks them out), but I did hear the part where Forest Griffin told Ellis that he really wants to be at EMX and I’m pretty sure all the dudes that are going to EMX got hard at hearing that.
So I picked the show back up to hear Tully reminding listeners that tomorrow he and Ellis will be doing an in depth analysis of the Christmas Classic, Die Hard. And man, that should be fantastic!!!! Die Hard is one of my all time favorite movies, I love Bruce ‘walking sex’ Willis, and I could probably do a one woman re-enactment of the show. Ellis says that he is going hard in watching the movie and taking notes- he watched the first half of the movie last night and took tons of notes about it, and he will be watching the second half tonight after he finishes his comeback episode of Dr. Drew. Tully then shared that the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame announced it’s new Inductees, them being Green Day, Lou Reed, Joan Jett, and Ringo Starr…and wtf!!!! Ringo Starr as a solo artist? Like he’s ever done anything as a solo artist commendable enough, or even palatable enough, to be a Rock and Roll Hall of Famer…but I guess it isn’t that big of a deal, everyone knows the R&R Hall of Fame is kind of a big joke.
Onto other news, brought to us by Hotdog the soon to be no longer an Intern (Jenny sad :( ) there’s well…a whole lotta nonsense. hotdog was supposed to be bringing in some news stories that caught his attention, but apparently he hates doing the news and didn’t haves lot of time to get it done this morning so it was kinda shitty. I mean, I love Hotdog, but it was hard to call it anything other than an afterthought of a phoned in attempt at doing the news. He even admitted that he just quickly scoped the front page of the paper for stuff to talk about. It was pretty painful to listen to…and Ellis was mildly pissed. You know, in the way he gets when he wants someone to succeed but they’re getting in their own way. He says that Hotdog has no plan, and he needs a plan if he wants to get anywhere in life. But, Ellis is gonna give him another chance to come back with something that he likes to talk about after the break (it’s gonna be weed, guys, you know Hotdog).
In the meantime, everyone in the studio is spitting into tests be’s so they can be sent away for a genetic profile. Ellis is going to finally, conclusively be told wether or not he is part Fijian, and all the other guys….well, they all pretty much know they’re white and European, but wouldn’t it be great if it turns out that one of them gets something completely out of left field? Like, Tully isn’t Irish…he’s…Mongolian? That actually probably wouldn’t be the most surprising seeing as how Genghis Khan plowed so many women when he was conquering that part of the world that his ancestors are fucking everywhere. But they will also be finding out which one of them is the most Neanderthal, and although everyone is putting their money on it being Ellis, I think it would be hilarious if it turned out to be super intelligent and highly evolved Mr. Michael Tully. Lols for dayyyyyyys.
Back from the last break it’s time for Hotdog to talk about weed…and he wasn’t doing that bad of a job once it was on the subject of something he was interested in, like getting high and floating in the water for hours on end…but I don’t know exactly how it went because this is also where my Sirius crapped out. I came back to the Don’t Die final caller talking about how he fucked some chick, blew his load, and left the load laden condom deep in the vagina of a chick he then never ever saw again. And, yeah, that story makes me happy that I have found the very last man I’m ever going to fuck, we don’t use condoms, and that Hubbs isn’t a gigantic fucking asshole.