TJES Quotes

Memorable quotes from the cast of The Jason Ellis Show.

Want to see a list of past Jason Ellis Show cast and crew members? Check out our TJES Interns page, which includes present and past crew members.

Some guests and cast members hit the punch-pad, be sure to check out their Punch-Pad Results!

Want see a list of many of the guests that have appeard on the show? Check out our TJES Guests page!

Jason Ellis

"I can't feel this side of my nose so when I pick it, it's like rape."
[Ellis high on nitrous oxide and a pain pill after getting a root canal at the dentists.]
"If I'm a serial killer, in serial killer heaven, and Jimi is in my farm... I'm gonna flinch him."
[Ellis in a Heaven and Hell debate with Dingo, Tully, & Rawdog and what he'd do if Jimi Hendrix were in his "serial killer heaven".]
"You should finger yourself on the webcam. I'd make a couple extra meals at home to have you finger yourself on the Internet."
[Ellis and Tully trying to convince Josh to make some money online.]
"I don't believe in "brown out", that's not a thing. I black out. Otherwise, I'm a walking brown out."
[Ellis debating whether or not Cumtard honestly "blacked / browned out" during a night of drinking & smoking and he doesn't seem to remember anything for 30 minutes or so, but then miraculously remembers after that short period of time.]
"You're like the Criss Angel of Jews!"
[After noticing that Rawdog almost magically grabbed the $100 dollars offered to him for dunking his balls in Andy Bell's coffee.]
"Why wouldn't you want to be part of the revolution and stick your Jew balls in coffee?"
[When asking Rawdog to get a coffee for Andy Bell, who requested (demanded) it to be "tea bagged".]
"If you're Googling "Why am I so rich" you're having the night of your life."
[Playing the Google auto-complete game "Why am I so..."]
"That's a t-shirt, huh? Guys can't sob and pump."
[During a call from a female, Ellis reveals he has had sex with girls while they cried, but guys can't cry during sex.]
"Nation Cunt America Awesome."
[When asked by Will Pendarvis what "NCAA" stands for.]
"I knew microwaved milk before you did."
[Responding to bands Rawdog saw at Coachella when he lost his car, which included Neutral Milk Hotel.]
"Rhianna, she of course has 4 heads, because of her forehead."
[World's Greatest Wednesday nominees for person with the most heads.]

Michael Tully

"Your brain is like a pretzel fag."
[Jokingly responding to all the "fag" comments from Jude's "Hate It Or Love It" segment where "Doc Banger" debuted Slingin' Cream.]
"I'm picturing Tommy Chong jerking you off."
[Speaking to Frank DeCaro after his story of getting a rub & tug from an old hippy with "magic fingers."]
"You look like a Nazi with leukemia."
[Speaking to Cumtard now that his head is completely shaved.]
"There are listeners that I hate that I rip off ideas from all the time. And I claim them as my own."
[During the explanation of Rawdog's depature. SAID JOKINGLY, OF COURSE!]
"I'm the Rosa Parks of drunk driving."
[Talking about how doing drugs you don't think should be illegal.]
"Sure they do. You ever put bananas in the back of the fridge and forget about them?"
[After reading a story about graying vaginas and Josh asking, "Penises don't go gray, do they?"]
"All day!"
[After Josh asked if the guys wanted to hear more nasty, antisemitic tirades from the Internet.]
"Boners don't lie, and I got one."
[In response to Rawdog's feminine sigh as he does his 2nd ever Primal Challenge workout.]
"My morning boner is ferocious."
[Talking morning sex with Jude & Ellis and explaining why he prefers morning sex over night sex.]
"My vagina is slick with anticipation."
[Playing the Google auto-complete game "My vagina is..."]
"And Sal Masekela's not black."
[After Ellis was clarifying a joke, saying that "Donald Schultz is not racist."]
"Just below my dick"
[Answering the question, "Wheres the strangest place you've ever gotten a blowjob?"]
"It sounds like ZZ Top is taking a shit."
[Commenting on a band from New Music Tuesday that Rawdog didn't say the name of until the clip was stopped, turns out, it was ZZ Top.]
"I'd love to share my life with Oprah. I'm going to cry just talking about it."
[Talking about being Oprah's trophy husband and sharing his life and love with her.]
"You can have an unlimited supply of the robust's poop."
[Talking about how the meek will not inherit the Earth, but will inherit what the robust do not want.]
"Ah. You just weren't doing it right."
[Responding to Ellis, who was telling Jim Florentine how horrible an experience it was being cradled in a pool by an 80-year-old naked guy.]
"You're like a coke-whore for weed, aren't you?"
[Talking to Rawdog about how he'll go nearly anywhere as long as you have weed to smoke with him.]

Will "Shiny Shins" Pendarvis

"I have a friend whose looking for someone with 'chops under their belt.'"
[After hearing Rawdog's horrendous radio clip (as an intern on TJES), while he was looking for an actual job in radio.]
"I'll judge your butt"
[Will explaining what the winner of the "Muzak Name That Tune game" will win.]
"I really like brown frosting."
[Will is losing his voice and really wants one of the cupcakes, the guys are harassing him and making him say things to earn the cupcake.]

Josh "Rawdog" Richmond

"Do you ever tell your husband to suck it?"
[Rawdog, talking to a girl caller who said she has a big clit & her husband likes to suck on it.]
"Are you actually going to pay me $100 dollars if I do this?"
[Rawdog being offered $100 dollars to dunk his balls in Andy Bell's coffee, which he didn't want to do until the $100 dollars was offered.]
"Oh, if your sway bar is fucked, then you can't even sway."
[Rawdog being asked his thoughts about the racing truck conversation between Ellis and Twitch.]
"About a year later, I had something called nonverbal learning disorder."
[Rawdog talking about how when he was younger, he was tested for a learning disorder and does not have a speech impediment.]
"So, she had some of my load in her mouth. And then kissed me. I couldn't spit it out in front of her!"
[The beginnings of the infamous "Snowballing" incident.]
"I'm a good car. Driver. I'm a good driver."
[After Ellis saying Rawdog should never drive above 55 MPH.]
"But I'm an independent woman, Jayce."
[Pretending to be Ellis' mom in the future, really old and still wanting to drive herself around to the store to buy Vegemite.]
"I'm not. I might have smaller balls than you."
[Responding to Ellis when asked if his balls were bleeding from being yanked on with an r/c truck.]
"I want to ride a rabies wolf."
[Chiming in on a story about rabid wolves.]
"Because still. It's like, right there. Right?"
[Mr. X gets snowballed because he didn't want to offend his girlfriend.]
"My fute is in the open water from the shower."
[Explaining to Jim Florentine how he cums in the shower and does not have load toes because his "foot" is in the water.]
"There were a fair amount of hoes."
[Talking about dancing at a drum circle after leaving a sensory deprivation tank.]

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