It’s WGAFF and all hail Tony Hawk. Today I was running yer mums industrial vibrator trying to hammer out a part of a mountain that would be better described as a giant rock so I didn’t get to hear every part of the show but here’s what I think I heard.
No Tully today – he’s not feeling well, so we’ve got Ellis, Dingo, & Christian James Hand. Maybe Katie later too. Some no talent kooks have moved the chairs, the camera, and whatever else they could, part of that whole sharing the studio thing built into the contract. At around age 8-9, that’s when kids start snooping through mom & dad’s shit and finding, weed, porn, pistols, lube, Christmas presents, and what have you. Supercross the Dragon vibes himself when he see’s his own reflection in the mirror, he’s a moron in the human world, but in the lizard world, he’s probably your average bloke. Dingo knows where Supercross’s dick is hidden, you may remember Dingo would cradle his dog’s balls because the dog liked it that way. Ellis has a new hand PG rated fuck you finger, he puts up his thumb & index finger as if to be saying this is how big your dick is. Ellis saw Chris Kattan at a liquor store. Oh, no. Ellis wasn’t there to shop for liquor, he was there to shop for flowers. Anyway, Ellis thought it was a dude that worked at the weed clinic where Ellis got his doobage, but turns out, nope, it was Kattan. Ellis said he looked like shit and couldn’t even bring himself to take video of him. Once and for all, is John Travolta gay? Gee. I don’t know. But who cares. Jake Ellenberger punched Ellis in the face for 4 or 5 rounds this weekend! Also, there’s cake in the studio!
News time will Ellis. A German man was evicted by his landlord because he persistently used a squeaky sex swing in his apartment, which frequently bothered his neighbors and caused many complaints. Suge Knight news, he got shot a bunch of times on Sunday evening at a Chris Brown party or some shit. Ken Block news, Ken Block got 2nd in a big race this weekend. And there ya go, Ken Block news. Moto news with Dingo, pee on Dungey, that loser! And now, time for a game, it’s You Sir, Are A Moron. From the green room, who would be your choice for navigator in a rally car? And here comes Dingo with his story about the one time he changed a flat tire in a rally race in the desert. Would you rather be a worried genius or a happy idiot? Based on your karma, you will come back re-created as what? Or as Dingo called it, “reincanarnated.” Pound for pound. Do you give up porn or weed for the rest the of your life? If you were at Heaven’s gate & God asked why he should let you in, what would you say? I missed a question or maybe 2 in there some where, but you’ll live.
MMA News time. There were fights. People fought at these fights and some people won their fight and some people lost their fight. Cung Le’s face got rearranged by “I know where you can get a great steak” Bisping. Ben Henderson got knocked out in the first round. And there was more stuff, you can Google that shit. Street League news time. Nyjah Huston won everything like everyone predicted because he’s the “it” guy right now. More moto news time from moto correspondent Dingo. Ken Roczen won the 450 motocross championship and likes pissing on people while they’re taking a shit. All this makes perfect sense because he is German. The fuzz is investigating Steve-O for his prank stunt against SeaWorld, where he changed a highway sign to read “SeaWorld Sucks”. It only took 2 days to get up on the sign. Katie keeps sending Ellis photos of hot chicks during the show. Some dumb chick is suing some dumb show she was on because she was too dumb to realize what the dumb show was about. So dumb. More ALS challenge videos, some dude put Icy Hot in his pants, ate a pepper, and… ahhh fuck it. You’ve seen a million videos of this shit. Jetta is falling apart and we’re hearing it happen live, he edited out the main portion of the video Ellis wanted to share. Ellis is black, he loves fried chicken and he was *bah dah bah bah bah*, lovin’ it.
Hey, you know that whole Suge Knight got shot story? Well it doesn’t end there, some chick got shot in the ass during that whole incident. Shoebox is trying to his best Tully impression by giving us news, but nobody is having it. And now it’s time for shock pictionary. Cumtard will be drawing while Katie & Dingo try to guess versus Jetta drawing while Ellis and Shoebox try to guess. Team Ellis was winning with a commanding lead until the end when Cumtard, Dingo, & Katie found some synergy and came back. The game devolved into a constant shocking of Cumtard & Jetta until both were left helpless and in the fetal position on the floor. Once the game was wrangled back in, Team Ellis had 20 seconds to guess 1 final drawing. It didn’t happen so Team Tard ended up winning the game. Last 10 minutes of the show, Greg Fitzsimmons stopped by to help close out the show and drop some knowledge on motocross, because he’s such a huge fan. He talked about his shows Monday night on Howard 101, his Prius driving skills, his kids soccer game, and his 1 hour special on Hulu. He was texting his wife about his 13-year-old son’s soccer game and eventually asks what she’s wearing. Turns out, it was his son doing the texting on his mother’s phone. Awkward. And there ya go. That’s the show for this Monday. There’s a good possibility that Tully might not be in tomorrow either, so prepare yourself for that. He will be back when he’s no longer sick. Good night, and good luck.
Too much hair on a mans chest can just be in-furr-iating! Hahaha fuck yo couch and welcome to the Friday Jason Ellis Show Recap. Having a body full of fur sounds alright,
you’re always warm, no skin cancer, no matter where you lay down it’s always soft. But be careful what you wish for, the cost of hair conditioner is astronomical. It’s the end of the week and some listeners are assholes, porn stars are probably mentally scarred, Australian actors are regular people too, little kids are constantly tripping balls, and Tully may or may not have a cold sore. But probably not. Maybe. This weekend Jason is going to do a wheelie on a horse. Total Nitro Circus meets John Wayne style. Yippie Kai Yay mother fucker.
If you listened to the live show then you know that the music was hand selected by listeners. If you want your chance to pick the music just tweet your selection to @JasonEllisShow and they’ll probably play it, even if it sucks, because if it sucks it’s all your fault. In Shark News according to science, great white sharks can live up to 70 years old! Also in shark news, Laurie in Oregon hates Will. She doesn’t think he’s funny, at all. She doesn’t understand why he’s funny because she’s not “in the circle.” But to be completely honest, she doesn’t even like Hate Bean and after she said that all I could hear in my head was Charlie Browns teacher talking. Wa wa wa. Wa wa. Wa wa, wa wa wa. Basically deep down inside she wants him to judge her butt and climax, it’s an internal struggle that she wishes was an internal struggle. But on a more serious topic, what the fuck is a sprinkle sandwich? Is it just a sandwich with sprinkles in it? No seriously, I don’t fucking know for sure. Oh well, another one of life’s great mysteries shall go unsolved. But one of life’s answered question, who are your favorite people who have been on the show. Some people that were mentioned as guest co hosts were Dingo, Jude, CJH, Joanna Angel, Doug Benson, and Psycho Mike just to name a few. Also Will is wearing cowgirl style underwear, I’ll just let your mind wrap around that one for a bit.
A New Mexico woman, the new one not the old Mexico, was charged for aggravated assault after pulling a gun from her dick pocket after an argument about aliens. Oh, this is Women Am I Right in case you didn’t figure it out by now. A woman was arrested after breaking into a pet store because she wanted to set the puppies free, topless. Only makes sense. A 78 year old woman asked to see her receipt and the twenty something girl punched the old lady in the kisser. A Texas woman robbed the same bank twice in one month is being sought after. Speaking of crazy bitches, Andy Dick is here! Well not here, on the show here. He’s not helping me write the recap right now, but it would be way funnier if he was. Andy was on fire talking about all kinds of exciting shit like rehab and drinkin and being on TV! And Andy also got married, but for the right reasons, taxes and health care benefits. And everyone thinks he’s completely retarded! They talked about all kinds of shit. Like dreds and how much they stink and Andy’s to do list for the rest of the day. He has a conference call at six if you were wondering.
In duck rape news, a third of all duck sex is forced. Quack mother fuckin quack. You Sir Are A Moron, not you, the bit, well maybe you, but you don’t have special celebrity guest Andy Dick. It was riveting, earth shattering, and incredibly insightful but if you really want to know what was said check out On Demand or listen to the replay Monday morning because in case you forgot, it’s Friday, I don’t give a fuck, and that’s a lot of shit to write.
Andy had to leave but no worries, you can go to some website and order The Awesome Guide To Life Something Something Long Title at Amazon.com probably. It’s awesome, I already read it. It helped me to stop smoking, raise my credit score, and treat women and goats with more respect and dignity. Kids these days are snorting Smarties, the sugar candy pills. I’m not surprised, it’s next logical step after Pixie Sticks and everyone knows that Pixie Sticks are a gateway candy. Final calls were the usual nonsense but more importantly the fans came together to let Will know that he is the wind beneath our wings, he is our sunshine our only sunshine, he completes us. And Laurie from Oregon should know that she needs keep her opinions about Will “the greatest man ever” Pendarvis to herself, much like her mum should keep her filth ridden septic tank wild animal feral vagina to herself, OH!
And if Laurie happens to read this, I didn’t mean it, just jokes. Or are they? Do do do do do do do do do do do (twilight zone theme)
I came in a little late and Ellis was talking about rubber on fire and smoking in the yard burning kids and the only thing I could think was, “I didn’t think he wore condoms.” And then I realized that he’s talking about doing burnouts. If you are doing burnouts or having sex you have to stop when the cops show up. You gotta respect the police for putting up with your stupid ass. El Diablo Blanco is fighting this weekend, that’s The White Devil for all you people not fluent in Messican. Some how talking about the Devil Blanco Ellis shat out this pearl of wisdom, “When you get to the top you’re competing with natural ability.” Which pretty much means that you already beat out all the people without the dedication and drive as you and are on a level playing field of learned skill. Just like Deathbone McGee on the mega ramp. I’m not sure what that means but I just wanted to write Deathbone McGee. Ellis got five pairs of Metallica tickets to give away, NO PURCHASE NECESSARY TO ENTER OR WIN. A purchase will not increase your chances of winning. Void where prohibited. U.S. Law Governs. OPEN ONLY to active SiriusXM subscribers (self-paid or an introductory trial) continuously since August 1, 2013 while meeting other geographical Conditions of Entry (see Official Rules), who are at least 18 years of age at time of Entry. Ellis sang his song last night called My Blood. The main lyric is “My blood is out to get me” and he said it’s a dark metal song about, well, his blood i guess. What do you expect, I haven’t heard it yet, get off my back! Ellis had Katie sing it too so we will eagerly wait for that EP to come out.
A black man in Union Square yelled I’m gonna punch the next white man I see, and he did. Then the guy hit his head on the sidewalk and went into a coma and died. Ellis recalled the night coming out of nightclub when some fucking asshole punched him square in the pace while he has his arms around two ladies. The same thing happened to another dude the next nite but the dude died and that could have been big daddy Jace cakes and then this recap would make no sense at all. He remembered that when he was a kid fights were scary and ugly so he never really wanted to be in a street fight which is a good idea because it’s stupid and you never know, you might die. On a lighter note they played, You Sir Are A Moron, they talked about Astrological signs, ghosts, going to space, being a hitman, fucking Larry King and dying with Joan Rivers bloated skeleton in your bed every week.
Roger Black, aka Yucko The Clown, came in talked about his new show Brickelberry about park rangers and people and trees and a talking bear and bestiality. Sounds like everything a cartoon about a sadistic bear cub can ever be. He also talked a little about being on Howard and being a part of the Wack Pack and some other shit about this one cunt who played him to get herself famous and broke his heart and is hopefully currently in a pit of snakes that have herpes and syphilis. Yukko also said, “NO PURCHASE NECESSARY TO ENTER OR WIN. A purchase will not increase your chances of winning. Void where prohibited. U.S. Law Governs. OPEN ONLY to active SiriusXM subscribers (self-paid or an introductory trial) continuously since August 1, 2013 while meeting other geographical Conditions of Entry (see Official Rules), who are at least 18 years of age at time of Entry.” Anderson Silva did an interview about his front kick the he has been doing since his days as a wee youngster and how Steven Seagal is full of shit.
There were more fight submissions for Ellismania 9 and if you want to participate, send your submissions to firstname.lastname@example.org or email@example.com or something, I don;t really know, I just pretend to know. Apparently the monkey cats that shit out the monkey cat shit coffee are kept in bad conditions. So if you are an animal lover that loves monkey shit coffee you are really bummed right now. A video of a store owner that
knocked out a robber with baseball bat was played today, so I found it for you too because I’m nice and shit. Fredericos is giving away free burritos on Monday now E.coli free! To be honest I was really stoked about this but then I found out that it’s only at the location that was serving the “shitting blood special” and not the one by me. I love me some free burritos. The Titanic Heritage Crusty Dusty Box Committee is mad at Redbull because they made a commercial that if the people that were on the Titanic had Redbull they would have been able to grow wings and fly to safety. This is bullshit, all that would have happened is the band that stayed on the boat would have played something more awesome like the Mexican Hat Dance or Breadfan. Also the Titanic committee said, “NO PURCHASE NECESSARY TO ENTER OR WIN. A purchase will not increase your chances of winning. Void where prohibited. U.S. Law Governs. OPEN ONLY to active SiriusXM subscribers (self-paid or an introductory trial) continuously since August 1, 2013 while meeting other geographical Conditions of Entry (see Official Rules), who are at least 18 years of age at time of Entry.” If Josh gets knocked out and jacked off by Nick Swardson after his fight, he’ll let Ellis put it on YouTube. I don’t know if Nick will knock out the bush baby but I do know that if you want to see someone jack off unconscious dudes you can go to YerMum@YouTube.com, OH!
Welcome to Thursday but really this is the beginning of the week because the government says so. Just as long as I get the day after tomorrow off the government can call today what ever the fuck they want. People who wear suits and are driving dirty cars are suspicious. A good suit makes the man and a clean car shows respect. Keep your car clean, don’t be a sloppy fuck leaving shit everywhere and letting it grow into a new species yet to be discovered by science. Speaking of sloppy suspicious people, the French, am I right! They didn’t even invent French Fries and are always rollerblading and being a bunch of pussies and shit. After French bashing the guys tied to think of fun things to do with the interns that won’t cause injury or death because the government says so. The government is always ruining everybody’s good time. Some of the fun ideas were intern piñatas, dodge ball from beefy beefcake Jace, whack a intern mole, the stop hitting yourself game, tug of war with the interns and Ellis’s truck, but instead the interns did a round of mom jokes before the conversation turned to Rawdog and his next pussy repelling choice of car. The Volkswagen, to be more specific, any Volkswagen. But as he’s pretty sure that as he cruses in his Passat he will be getting some crazy hot gymnast pussy, or Sally field, both are possible.
Hollywood News can now be found at TMZ.com, I am still and will continue to protest the frequency of this bit and not include it in my recaps. Back to the real news. A man in Texas
got let off after shooting an escort because she didn’t bob on his knob, a cheerleader pimped out another cheerleader at a school, and Amazon is going to deliver groceries. This brought up the discussion of the rain forest and how its being destroyed for books and shit but don’t worry the forest is fine, the 80’s celebrities all lied to us. Then something about a snake and people and a million dollars which makes everyone anti Semitic.
An ad in Australia has been banned because its too gluteney and border line pornographic and stars Pamela Anderson. Gigantic feral cats are exploding through the Northern Territory and this brought on cat vs croc talk. Science has determined that eating your wad has health benefits. Science is gross, and what is also gross is that Josh is willing to eat his own wad for $1500 bucks! Guess the Dog is craving a bit of snowballin. Turns out that Tully would do it for $1500 each time, in fact he would do it five times a day for five days just as long as it didn’t turn up on www.OneTullyOneCup.au
The super special guests that were supposed to come in, Wu Tang, left because Will dissed them by not accommodating their parking needs for all five cars they were arriving in. Will is such a dick. Baby in china got shit into a sewer on accident and another chick ran a half marathon and then had a baby and she didn’t know she was pregnant. How the
fuck can someone crap out a human from their gash and not fucking know it! I don’t know how to make a good segway from this shit so, moving on. There was an impromptu Intern Pasties Punch Challenge with Team Jetta vs Team Punisher. Team Jetta lost so now Josh will get to pet a predator. Lucky him. Up next was You Sir Are A Moron and there were too many subjects moving too fast for me to recall but some of the highlights were, Ellis can totally kick a bears ass, Miley Cyrus isn’t that hot, some more shit that I can’t remember, but in the end the real morons were the callers during final calls as expected. Speaking of things being expected, congrats on your new baby brother, I can’t wait until the episode of Maury to find out which guy yer mum has been trading fluids with is the father, OH!