Why the fuck are Bics so expensive? What the fuck is up with that? Ghey. Anyway, it’s Wednesday, whatchya gonna do bout that? Loitering, what is it exactly? Can you get arrested for it? Got Google? Are you lazy? Suffering from irritable bowel syndrome? Ellis is on some prescription drug that is used as part of a treatment plan for problem drinking. Basically, he’s gonna get violently ill if he drinks while on this medication. Sounds fun, right? Tully wasn’t sure exactly what loitering was, now he’s not sure the difference between gas and oil. Ellis learned the connection between crude oil and “fossil fuels”, and he didn’t think he was going to learn anything today. Pfffsssshhhyeah, right. Whoever found oil and figured out you could burn that shit and run stuff on it, was a smart mother fucker. The Ellis kids got vibed at the park for driving those battery powered toy cars, his r/c car got the boot too. Ronda Rousey. Book. Reading. Rousey. Book. Ronda. Book. Hero. Book. Ronda. Emotional. Book. Rousey. Fucking hell. Now you know what it feels like to be brow beaten by a god damn book. Now it’s evolved into Rousey / Pacquiao / Mayweather, the trifecta of I could not give any less of a shit. But, I guess other’s are probably interested in it, so whatever – fuck me, am I right? Continue reading
So it’s Monday. “Star Wars Day” for many of you, and “Who Cares Day” for probably just as many of you. So Ellis ended up watching the Mayweather vs Pacquiao fight even though he didn’t plan to. He didn’t want to contribute any money towards a man who allegedly has beaten women 7 times in his life. I didn’t watch it and I’m super glad I didn’t because man, I’d be fucking pissed if I paid money to watch what ended up being the equivalent of a high school slow dance. Continue reading
Whaaaaat’s uuuuuup maaaan! It’s 4/20 duuuuuuude! You baked? You stoned to the bone? You higher than bird pussy? Duuuuude! First live show since like, forever, bro! Some chick Ellis was with during his vacation didn’t know what 420 meant, but she kept dropping the whole “turnt up” thing. He’s also very impressed with BET and loves their new show, Nellyville. He says it’s the black version of Curb Your Enthusiasm, and hey, it stars Nelly. Yes, that same one. Apparently Chris Rock is in it too and it’s a funny show, Ellis wants you to watch it. The fun didn’t stop there though, oh no, the BET Awards were on next. And yup, he watched it and yup, he said it was awesome and it left him inspired. Continue reading
It’s me again fuckers, bitPimps here to give you a recap on Thursday. Ellis gassed out 5 times today, he feels great, he feels alive. But since this is in the past, it’s not going to matter or be true any longer. Hamburgers and hotdogs, that shit was nowhere before America. Don’t even get started on pies, apple pie fucking rules the pile world. Hotdog is a fool because he loves fruit, but doesn’t like warm fruit, such as in a fresh apple pie. Hello, Hotdog, ice cream! Poor dude is so lost in his San Diego ways, it’s like he’s living a lie. But you know what? He’s the only person on the show who remembers where PieNot is. Tully’s family is southern enough to be full on white trash, but their close and he loves a good mozzarella stick – it sure beats the shit out of a hard boiled egg from a fucking gas station. Will came barging into the studio, not for anything particular, but he had pictures for Ellis to look at, pictures of the race Ellis will be at over the weekend. Some gay (or maybe not) guy posted full on nudes of Ellis online again. Calm down, it wasn’t fresh nudies, these were dick & balls from the Stern show, but put into boxes like those porn stars tend to do. This big race Ellis is going to? You can go there and ask to see his dick & balls if you want, which coincidentally or not, they are unveiling the “Big Hog Cheddar Dog” at this event, which is not Ellis’ dick & balls, but a huge thing on it’s own. Where did the saying ‘shit eating grin’ come from? And who grins after eating shit? Besides Germans, I mean. Some caller said the saying comes from ‘grinning like a possum eating shit’ but I’m calling bullshit on that. Even during the Great Depression, nobody was eating shit and grinning because of it. Now the saying, ‘sweating like a dog shitting peach seeds’ is totally traceable and understandable, because could you imagine trying to shit a peach seed? You’re gonna sweat profusely. The phrase ‘shitting in tall cotton’ is also totally traceable and makes sense. you’re shitting in a field, hidden by the cotton growing, and you get to use the cotton you pick to wipe your ass. It’s natures toilet paper, before it becomes toilet paper of course, but hey, it’s better than a poison oak leaf.
Brandon Lillard is a friend of the show and he got seriously hurt during a base jump. His medical bills are mounting there’s a GoFundMe page setup if you’d like to help. Hotdog gets to finish his signature segment, “what’s the worst fart experience you’ve had”. Ellis farted in the morning today and it scared Katie. She thought he was asleep, but he wasn’t, he had just woken up and his bubble butt ass let it rip. Hotdog knows what’s up, he wakes up farting too. I’m pretty sure all men wake up with farts ready to be released. Anyway, Hotdog kept his segment going from the previous day, when it got cut a little short because Ellis had to unexpectedly leave to go pick up Tiger from school. Callers with chili and fart stories came about, callers with non-chili farts called, it was a real fart-a-thon that Jerry Lewis would be impressed with, however, I’m not sure it beat the previous days fart-a-thon. One of the biggest surprises is that Hotdog has a sore tummy today and has been farting in the green room all morning. Tully wants him fired for this. Some dude farted in an elevator while Hilary Clinton was in there, that guy gets a t-shirt for his American fart efforts. Tully’s down with farting in front of Barbra Bush, and I’m backing that decision. She’s old, she wouldn’t even know if it was her, the person next to her, Jesus, or Satan. Oxycottonjohn called in with his own fart story, he got sent home one time from his work, he was farting so bad in the mail room and while he was delivering mail, he kept crop dusting the office. He got so many complaints, the boss came down and addressed the fartissue he had. While his boss is reprimanding him for his fart delivery, he was still ripping farts. He got sent home for farting too much. If you didn’t already know his legendary status, you should now. Ellis did not like learning that Tully tends to have to fart before he pisses. The conundrum is that the most acceptable place to rip a fart in front of another human is the bathroom. Hotdog got a few professional pointers on his segment and then we went to fart out some names for new Wolfknives members with Hotdog in tow, allowing him to test out his “off the cuff” skills. I found it endearing that towards the end of naming Wolfknives, Hotdog started to sound like an early 20-something Pendarvis.
There’s a total douche social network starting up, and that little piece of news started off a whole situation that blew up into a douche bomb. So since there won’t be new music segment, it was a perfect time for World News. Which was written down, but didn’t actually exist. That was a perfect segue into Hollywood News, and to kick it off, it was the announcement of Kim Dylla (Vulvatron) becoming the new frontwoman of GWAR. Something or another about Sharon Osbourne and how one time she did something weird with Ozzy when she was young. Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger are done, soooo… maybe she’ll leak a photo of her tits or something? I don’t know. Anyway, there’s 3 movies slated to be made that sound horrible. Top Gun 2 is one of them and you have to wonder how that’ll play out. Goose is fucking dead man. Does Tom Cruise come back as an instructor at Top Gun or is he all old and farting in an F-22 Raptor or… what the fuck? Anyway, Tom has apparently signed on for this fucking thing, and it also sounds like the movie will contain a lot of drones, so I guess he’ll be teaching sentient drones how it’s done when it comes to flying. I don’t know where to go with that. Anyway, you’re not even reading this. This doesn’t even exist. And I’m just gonna close this thing out with sledgehammer. Ellis has a friend, a girl, who told him that one time during some butt eating, this girl’s boyfriend ate her butt, he found a nugget in there and ate it. And liked it. He said he enjoyed it. And one time he tried to pass it back to her. And you can probably guess who this girl is. And she didn’t like to get her poo passed back to her. And she also said it wasn’t that bad. And I have to Arsenio Hall out of this thing with a “hmmmmm”. So I leave you with this last bit of shit about butts. Trick Daddy don’t eat pussy anymore. He only eats butt. And he’ll eat your girls butt if you don’t, so keep that in mind. Thank you. Good night.