You know how that show Seinfeld was a show about nothing? Welllll..that’s kind of how I felt about the show today. I don’t know if I’m the only one feeling this way, but it was a whole lot of talking (because, duh) but at the end of it I was all…wait..what am I gonna write about? I dunno maybe I’m cranky cause I’m experiencing terrible allergies for the first time in my life and I’ve had a Continue reading
When all else fails and everything is kind of turning in to shit…get yourself some wolves. Dig deep, find your inner howl, and release a pack of wolves because apparently, those fucks are roving packs of Mr. Fix Its. Ellis opened up the show with some howling wolf audio and some guy who sounded a lot like Malcom McDowell telling all us wonderful and dedicated listeners about how at one point in the 90’s Yellowstone National Park was kind of turning to shit and to fix it, they released a pack of wolves and after a few years, the wolves had that place running in tip top shape. Boom. That was a severe over simplification of what was actually said, but it boils down to wolves are awesome, which we all already knew. The ever wonderful unofficial Oracle of The Jason Ellis Show, our Twitter Feeds, and NYA- Bitpimps, was to thank for sending that tidbit to the show, and it’s a pretty neat video that you should go watch because I took the time to type ‘wolves at Yellowstone’ into google and put the link up for you guys. Guess what?!?! Tully is back!! He isn’t 100% yet, but he’s back and sounds mostly like himself with the occasional cough and Ellis officially has been diagnosed with Giardia, which is a disease that you can catch from your houselhold pets and makes your tummy all sad and crampy and your poopie all…diarrhea-y and stuff. Ugh. But, at least now Ellis knows what he has and he can take antibiotics and get all better and..oh…he can’t take antibiotics yet because he couldn’t get them before he started the show, but man he can not wait to start taking those antibiotics because Dr. Drew (who has had Giardia twice allegedly) told him that as soon as the meds are in his system he will immediately start feeling better. Tully missed a lot while he was home sick, and he knows some of what he missed and isn’t clear on some other things. One of the first things that Tully asks about is if Ellis had something stuck up his ass, to which Ellis tells him that no he just had to do a poopy in the doctors office and scoop it into vials (which Tully knew because he saw the instagram photo) but all Katie had done at the doctor was a Q-Tip in her bum. But what Tully was referring to was Wednesday’s show where Joanna Angel shocked Ellis’s hole and put an Ice Stick up in and around there (allegedly). They spend some time talking about how Ellis could possibly transmit the Giardia to other people and wonders if he put Tully, the Guys of the Green Room, and tons of other (much more innocent) bystanders at risk for the disease just by shaking hands. Will pops his head in (metaphorically) to say that of course he already googled that shit and he’s pretty sure that they are in the clear, and Tully adds in the tidbit that Giardia is transmitted by fecal/oral contamination so they should be in the clear so long as Ellis washes his hands and no one eats shit. Which is a sentence I should have written after I heated up my Quesadilla because now I’m all ‘ew’.
In other news, Suge Knight was shot 6 times last week and didn’t die, and also didn’t tell the cops who it was that shot him. Tully and Ellis think that he didn’t rat out who shot him because now, MotherFucking Suge Knight is gonna come for you so you better start running now or hope that the cops find you first. Ellis and Tully also devise a plan where Suge Knight could successfully assasinate P. Diddy (because of course it’s Diddy who is behind all of it) by finding some random guy, throwing a blonde wig, a Monster hat, some sunnies, and a Grenade hoodie on him because, boom, Dingo, and no one ever suspects The Dingo. Plus, although he is a rather attention attraction fellow, he is relatively nondescript at the same time, and it would be totally possible to dress anybody up into a Dingo Doppelganger and make him an assassin. I also decided that I am going to dress up as The Dingo for Halloween and enlisted Hubbs to be my bestie Kelly Osbourne. Hubbs hasn’t agreed to it yet, and I’m sure it will be hard to find heels for his gigantic feet…but oh my god, that visual is totally worth it. Hubbs told me that’s why he never got dressed up for Halloween and I told him ‘booooooooooooo’.
On to the subject of kids, The Ellis kids were having a giant fight before Ellis came into the show today and it got so bad that he had to bring up the whole, ‘any of us could die at any time and how would you like for the last thing you said to be nonsense’ thing which Ellis said made Tiggie pretty bummed out but Devin was trying to be all stiff upper lip about it and Ellis really had to drive the point home. Devin also talked to Ellis about how Mummy is on her cell phone too much and it bummed her out, so Ellis had to make the call to Mummy and instead of there being a fight about it, Mummy was all “Okay, I’m going to have to check that” and Ellis said that he would check his cell phone use also because it’s always so easy to fall into the cell phone trap these days. Tully agrees whole heartedly with this because he knows he and Wifey fall in to the trap because there’s only so many times you can introduce toys to each other over and over ad nauseum for 6 months without wanting to distract yourself with whatever may be in your inbox or on social media. Tully goes on to say that Cell Phones are the Cancer Sticks of yesteryear and he doesn’t want to pass the habit on to Little Dude because he feels like it’s shameful.
So, Vaginas!!! I mean, everyone has one, right? Oh no? Just me? Oh…not just me? Just the girls. That’s right. The females have the vaginas. Tully brings us back from the break with a segment on vaginas, because, well, some listeners have them and some listeners want to play with them, so why not know some more about them? Tully found some articles online about vaginal maintenance that keeps your vag in tip top shape and makes it smell like roses and taste like ambrosia, or some sort of nonsense. The recipe for sweet smelling and super nom tasting vagina include washing the vag twice a day, airing out the cookie and wearing cotton panties, not spraying perfume on your box, waxing the beave (because sweat clings to pubic hair), using baby wipes after using the bathroom, having a vegetarian diet, not consuming beer/coffee/spicy food/alcohol/asparagus/raw onion/garlic, not having yeast infections (yeah, because we try and have those), and dipping a tampon in yogurt and shoving it up your hole. Now…this turned out to be a lot more controversial than i think Tully or Ellis anticipated because there were tons of phone calls from girls about what was wrong and what was right and there was a girl who was all about spraying perfume on her box, and a girl who talked like everything was a question that I wanted to throttle because I hate that…and if there is one thing I know..it’s don’t stick yogurt up your twat. That’s ridiculous. Eat yogurt. It is good for your vag…but when you eat it. The next part of the vag segment involved disgusting vagina stories because someone from TheFrisky.com decided that if guys get to throw around words like ‘dick cheese’ then ladies should be able to talk about ‘period boogers’…and you know what? Fuck that. I’m a female..I know what goes on down there..I would much rather hear about dick cheese (even though I don’t think I’ve heard that description since I was about 16) than anything gross regarding what goes on with vaginas. Vaginas are fucking terrifying when they want to be. Case closed. And the nasty bitch who wrote the article about maxi pad diapers, double stuffing tampons, and tampons getting lost in the abyss…shame on you, bitch, because that did no good for anyone. I don’t talk about that with anyone. Me and my closest girlfriends…the closest we get to talk about any grossness regarding menstrual cycles is exclusive to the following phrase, “Oh my god, it was like a massacre/crime scene”. That’s it. My closest fucking female friend. There is no detail, there is no harping on…periods are gross. I tell Hubbs when it hurts, when it makes me feel sick, he rubs my tummy, and four days later…life moves on. A caller named CeeCee…who was a doctor, related a tale about removing a fist sized tampon from some poor girl’s vag after it had been up there for a month and the smell was so bad they had to close down a part of the ER. And really…Will was retching in the green room the entire segment, Ellis kept pushing vomit-noise buttons and the whole thing was foul. And I wound up listening to this part twice and both times I was all, “Why, just…why?” To which Hubbs responded, “Hey, if it makes you feel any better, you may have a Vagina, but I’m the one who licks it.”
Justin Bua MMA enthusiast and artist extraordinaire is back in the studio to critique some more TJES artwork but before he does that…they play some catch up and talk MMA, Ronda Rousey, Jason Momoa, and Bua also shares some artwork from his own personal sketchbook which none of us get to see because we are not as cool as Ellis and Tully. Apparently he draws vaginas and naked women and things of that nature in his personal sketchbook, because he really and truly appreciates the female form in all shapes and sizes because it’s a beautiful thing. Bua’s artwork is going to be on display in the new season of The Ultimate Fighter’s Fighter House, and also says that this season is the first all female UF season and that should be cook, cause chicks beating each other up is really pretty awesome. Tully brings up Justin Bua’s new reality show that is going to be on the Oxygen Network and involves street art, and I think most of the reason he brings it up at all is because Tully doesn’t like a lot of street art because it’s nonsense. Bua says that there is a lot of street art out there that is bad art, because not everyone is a good artist, and street art is very reflective of what’s going on in society and our society is kind of in a stage of being a big pile of shit. Bua also tells everyone that he is going to be one of the people in charge of picking out the art for USPS stamps for the foreseeable future, which is pretty badass and something I never really thought of before. I mean…people collect stamps, but there aren’t a lot of letters getting sent anymore…so…are they gonna keep producing stamps just for people to go on collecting? Seems kind of weird. For the art critique, everyone drew pictures of wolves and Bua gave them all their props, as he did the last time he was on the show. He is a very open minded guy, and if you follow the link that I posted earlier in this paragraph, you’ll see why I said that. The one that undoubtedly caused the most stir was Will’s drawing of a wolf with melting feet on top of a cross, which had some sort of biblical quote around the top of it and then a bunch of characters from random foreign languages around the bottom part of it. Ellis accused Will of tracing, which Will vehemently denied, and Will eventually conceded that he just picked out the characters because he liked how it looked and he needed something to round the picture out. An answer which Justin Bua basically fed to him.
For the last part of the show they played another video which had been sent to them by Bitpimps involving a gay 20 year old male getting into a fight with his family members when his mother throws him out of the house for being gay. It was really sad. I hate that. Ellis hated it and Tully wasn’t really a fan of it either. Ellis still finds it really hard to believe that there are people who would turn their back on their children for being gay in the name of religion, and a modicum of hope was restored in humanity when a caller told the show that she was Christian and that anyone who used their religion as an excuse for why they don’t like gay people are just insane because Christians are supposed to love and forgive and leave it for God to judge us all. Then, for a second, they were going to do some Wolfknives names, but then Ellis wasn’t really feeling it. Ellis started fading out because his tumtum hurt and Tully was fading as well since he’s still kind of sick and they moved on to doing some Teen Advice. It wasn’t the best Teen Advice segment that I’ve ever heard and it boils down to- don’t have sex until you are ready, if your parents make you wear adult diapers for one bed wetting incident that they blame on masturbation you should run away, moms can be really creepy, and if you have no friends, interests, hobbies, or talents, you should probably work for The Jason Ellis Show. Final calls had their ups and downs, lots of sex advice wound up getting thrown around and asked for, you should never force your wife to have sex with you but if it’s been a year and a half you need to find a better therapist, and if your girlfriend doesn’t like sucking your dick, she just might not like sucking your dick, which is a shame because Blow Jobs are awesome.
That’s all I have folks…sorry for the lateness, sorry for the shortness (usually I try to be much more detailed) but there’s some shit going on. Hopefully all will be well next week!! Love you! xoxox
Yeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhyeahyeahyeaaaaaahhhhhhhhh! Because Ellis is playing with the voice mod. TJES quickly jumps into action today after a super brief voice mod monologue where an Evil Kanye West voice makes a quick appearance (can a voice make an appearance? an audioppearance maybe?) to talking about The Dropkick Murphy’s and Bruce Springsteen song ‘Rose Tattoo’ which gets stuck in Rawdog’s head, disappoints Tully, and Ellis just plain hates but admits it’s a good song. Bruce Springsteen may or may not still just be your Average Joe who stumbles out of strip clubs in the middle of the afternoon on a weekday and explains to fans that he willed a million other Bruce Springsteen’s into existence. It’s okay if the only part you cared about there was the bit about the strip club, because that’s the part that the men of the show latched on to (to my girlie fist-pumping delight…you have a dirty mind).
Ellis states that he has learned a lot from strippers, whether those lessons be good or bad, and ultimately he said he tends to pity dancers for the creeps that they have to deal with like the guy drooling in the front row with his Dance Trance face on. He thinks that being a stripper definitely gives a girl insight into how men are wired because there is at least a little bit of creep in every guy, some people may play it closer to the chest than others. Ellis dated a stripper for 6 years back in the day and he was King of Unemployed Melbourne on the 3 grand he made a month skateboarding and the thousands of dollars his chick made EVERY NIGHT. But there are girls/dancers/strippers who rake in the bucks in such great amounts every night that they turn into cunts who look down on people because they’ve stopped appreciating money and think theirs will last waaaaaayyyyyy longer than the multiple plastic surgeries they will undergo in an attempt to keep making money off of that ephemeral bitch called beauty. Or maybe they can really work the pole and aren’t really all that hot anyway. One lesson to be learned from this? Hard work that leads to success is humbling while easy money makes you a condescending jackass. Give yourself a fucking reality check, having money makes you better than nobody, you still have creepy inside of you.
How much creepy though? Tully finds Mr. Trance Dance face drooling over girls on poles he wished were his pole creepy and wonders if men (he) is just as creepy for wild fantasies used to ‘get the job done’ when the cum isn’t coming for whatever reason. Get the job done. Get over the hump. I never want to be involved in a sex scenario where either of these terms are used because that means I should be fired. Ellis doesn’t think it’s creepy to fantasize things, however wild they may be, to get the job done because you aren’t offending anyone (except for maybe yourself a half an hour later) and it isn’t hurting anybody. But he would stop if a memo got sent to a person every time he thought about busting on them instead of the girl he was with. Tully brings up the situation of men who find it hard to orgasm unless they’re pretending the girl that they are with doesn’t want to be having sex with them and we fall deeper down the fantasy rabbit hole all the way to the Dungeon. Ellis, ever the open minded fellow, has no aversion to trying out a bondage-type situation if it wasn’t so goddamn expensive to have a lady in leather kick him in the balls. But Tully doesn’t get it because…where’s the orgasm? Ellis says he gets it an equates it with mental foreplay, and talks about it being a playground for the rich and powerful who are never dominated in any other aspect of their life, and yeah, most men probably go out to their car and beat off before driving home with sticky fingers, but there are some men who just get amped up. Like the male caller who was whipped by two males (because he’s that kind of polite guy who won’t say no) and kept asking for it harder. Harder! HARDER! Until he felt like he had won. There is a difference between being creepy and having ‘safe words’ for your rape fantasy love life and being a fucked up murderer rapist. Tully said it’s not important to get caught up in how creepy you might be (if you spent the better part of the segment thinking about your weirdest sex fantasy impulses as I did) because they’re just thoughts, and as Rawdog adds- the most important thing is that you possess empathy and impulse control. You are not a fucked up murderer rapist. Ellis dubs himself the Josh Richmond of Creepy sex which makes Josh…the fetus? Or he just may be the Chad Reed of Creepy Sex. They jury is still out. It will probably be back sometime after the Fuckfest that is going down in his room at Ellismania 9.
Do girls think shit like this too? Do girls have weird fantasies to get the job done? Well, you’re in luck because I’m a bonafide female XX chromosome card holder. Yes. We are just as fucked up as you. It’s hot. Just ask Ellis and Tully- the sexiest thing ever is a woman who enjoys sex!!! ‘Girl sex’ where a bitch goes “oh yeah I didn’t cum but I really enjoyed it” is possible, but most likely she’s just not equipped with the balls to say, “wow, I feel like I should sue you for false advertising.” Yes, sex can be enjoyable without orgasm and there are reasons that maybe she didn’t orgasm because yadda yadda girlie shit yadda yadda she is probably thinking about how there’s only expired milk in the fridge and she has to go food shopping. There is NO woman who has a fulfilling sex life when she isn’t reaching the little death more than she is. If she tells you otherwise, send her my way so I can call her a liar to her face.
Do girls really think about things just like guys in amounts of potential creepiness? I will provide some evidence when talking about the next bit discussing tentacle porn. You know what I’m talking about. The Anime that is oh so popular in Japan as well as (albeit less) popular all around the world. It’s basically girls getting fucked by Octopus monsters if you wanna pretend you have no idea. So…what’s the deal with that? Tully says that it’s because Japanese men are more on the diminutive side despite their supremely macho culture and there has to be a demand for it because there is a bottomless black hole of tentacle porn movies and animation ain’t cheap. Also, in some cities/regions it’s illegal to show penetration and Tentacle Porn is the wonderful loophole that was stumbled upon. They wondered about how long Tentacle porn has been around and talked about it being just a part of their culture at this point. Insert creepy bitch factor here with an article that I read 3 years ago on tentacle porn which my photographic memory instantly recalled to tell me that tentacle porn has been around since the 18th century. Boom. I’m probably wayyyyyyyy creepier than you are on account of the shit my brain retains.
Attention all Jason Ellis show listeners/cocaine users (since Josh seems to think we are one and the same)!!!!! Did you know that 80% of the cocaine that you are snorting that’s is supplied to this country is laced with a drug Levamisole that is used for de-worming livestock and eats your flesh? There are pictures and it is gross, even though Ellis wants to call bullshit and Tully (and probably many listeners) would like to know exactly why something given to livestock wants to eat human flesh… And as if that weren’t bad enough, Krokodil- a Russian drug similar to heroin has crash landed here in the good old US of A and that shit is guaranteed too rot your flesh from the inside out. So far, two people have been hospitalized in Arizona, and it’s believe those are the first two cases in America. Why do people do drugs anyway? Ellis thinks that some people may just be born to be addicts and then there are people that hate themselves, which is the reason that he did drugs back in the day, he didn’t wanna deal with being in his own head. This whole world going to shit on drugs things seriously bums him out, but he’s cheered up by the fact that there are really only about 200,000 people in America that can be classified as heroin addicts, though there are over a million who are I guess what we would call an ‘occasional user’. The guys all agree that hernoin is that gateway drug for shit like Krokodil, which gives a similar high and is cheaper for when you can no longer afford heroin.
Ellismania 9 is approaching fast and that means so is the Fuck Fest that Josh ‘I’m in an open relationship’ Richmond will be hosting in his room to the chants of “fuck fest! fuck fest!” from a crowd of horny onlookers and Tully while Ellis jacks off the the beat. To re-iterate from yesterday’s show and re-cap- they are looking for a blonde with ginormous tatas, so feel free to tweet a pic of yourself to @radioTFB to see if you are up to snuff. Side note: I told Hubbs that if I were single I would totally be up for this as I am a blonde with big boobies and because his girlfriend is a pornstar so even if Rawdog sucked I’m sure she would be awesome and I wouldn’t just enjoy it, I would orgasm. Probably multiple times. Seriously though, Ellismania 9 hasn’t sold out yet and you should probably go get tickets and join the party because it’s not every day that you can see a Taco fight a Dude with a Blanket. Wilson…what’s in your box? A whole bunch of shit from old movie shoots including some fake blood, a bunch of wigs, and at the verrrrrrrrry bottom some Ellismania related costumes for fights, such as the aforementioned Taco. Ellis wants to employ some hot ladies in sandwich boards to pass out fliers at the Hard Rock in Vegas to promote the show, which seems like a great idea because everyone pays attention to a hot chick in a Team Taco sandwhich board.
Tully thinks he can beat Kareem Abduul Jabar in basketball. Bullshit. But a high school basketball player probably can. The same goes for practically any other sport when it comes to old guy versus high school player. Except for fighting. Sorry caller. If you aren’t practiced in the art of punching a guy in dee face you don’t stand a chance. He’s going to know what you are throwing before you hold your hand up and he will kill you.
The Army has announced that it will soon be banning tattoos on certain areas of the body- like the really visible parts- above the neck, below the elbow and such. Those currently enlisted won’t have to get theirs lasered off or anything crazy like that, but if you’re looking to join up it’s advised that you think before you ink. Elllis and Tully understand this soon to be enforced rule, saying that it goes toward the uniformity of the organization. Josh brought up the point of not wanting to alienate or detract anyone with tattoos from wanting to fight when we are currently emeshed in an ongoing war and need bodies. I guess The Army needs something new to focus on since ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ got thrown out of the window. The Army says “Hoo-Rah’ when they are rushing into battle, even though Ellis likes “Retreat Hell” much better and wants to slap the shit out of Aaron Eckhart for misrepresenting himself in Battle: Los Angeles. Wilson agrees because he wants realism in his Aliens versus the Army movies. Duh.
Time to talk Ultimate Fighter. There is a lot of crying on this season of the Ultimate Fighter, because apparently they’re a bunch of whaaaaaambulances. And because this is the first season with girls. Not that the guys don’t shed a tear or two also. Ellis and Tully say they’re envious of girls just being able to cry and get that release because it must feel great, and intern Vanessa assures them crying is awesome, but…fuck that shit. I hate crying. It’s an unpopular opinion for a girl, but crying is the worst shit ever and I am so glad that I only head to the cry bank for Disney Movies. Ronda Rousey is no holds barred the best female fighter in the world but Miesha Tate beats her in the personality department hands down. Ronda is a coach on the show and is portrayed as very quick-tempered to the point where she interrupts fights between small guys and very large guys at the bar only to get into the larger guys face better than the small guy (the striking coach) can. This probably isn’t the best move for her publicly or privately, which is told to her in the parking lot by Dana White, and she should probably calm the fuck down a bit. Yeah, there is the magic of editing that can be blamed for making someone look done or slightly inflate a trait of a person’s personality, but there is no editing that is going to make you lose your shit every time someone looks at you. While tweeting about the Ultimate Fighter, Ellis received a tweet from the UFC which ullllltimately lead him to tweet with his fave female fighter on the show, Julianna, who basically gave him the equivalant of ‘Hi, who’s your friend?’ And she was talking about Rawdog. Rawdog!!! Lookout Julianna, he’s in an open relationship!!! Avoid Ellismania at all costs!!! Not that it wouldn’t be awesome to have you there, but even I heard the creep smile over the air.
A man was arrested in San Diego after being spotted off the coast and was apparently floating his way from Mexico to America on a duffel bag filled with $23,000 worth of marijuana. Points for creativity. In fact, the guys all agree he should probably just get a pass because…’Merica.
Wrapping up the show today is a massive list of additions to the Wolfknives Family. Are they all signing up now because they want to go to the secret meeting of the Wolfknives at the Hard Rock at Ellismania? That’s probably not a bad guess, considering the couple of husband and wife names given out today. So…Congratulations to Wheel of Doom, Bicep Whore (LMT), Flame Enthusiast, Captain Hero, Good Burger, Hole Inspector (also congrats on being the Butt Judge’s boss), The Janitor, Brian Power, Team McMraw, Mary Pipenstein, Miguel Gorbachev, Security Tard, The Good One, Good Fat, Marty Friedman, Johnny Deppa, Little Miss Ellis, Hilary Clitoris, Johnny Yayo, The Coke Dealer’s Wife, Kooooooolaaaaaaaggggg, The French Homo, Abbey Load, Lying Murderer, Boo!, Lord of the Dicks, Jerks Off Lightening, The Nightcrawler, These Are Real, Creepy 1, Creepy 2, Chip Dick, Urethra ButtButt, Gabby VagVag, Dr. Greenthumb, The LoaMonger, Homo Therapy, Nocturnal Shitbag, King Nothing, German C-Bomb, Fisted Sister, and Kevlar Dildo.
And, before I forget, the Unlisted Band segment is coming around again so if you have an unsigned band, or maybe are a fan of an unsigned band, send it to Ellisparodies@gmail.com.
Things we learned today:
Ellis would have sex for money because he likes the feeling of power
Ellis has stopped peeing blood but might be doing it again soon as he is fighting a monster at Wildcard tonight
Ellis could never live with a poodle
There is a macho way to hold a purse, but Josh just slings it over his shoulder
Flushable baby wipes suck ass
Being a waitress and being a stripper is basically the same job with different uniforms
Don’t fuck with Lenny’s turf, those are his windows
Tully has an irrational fear of car accidents and is comforted by Heroin being a bigger killer
Ellis fears sharks
Rawdog has a fear of being close to the edge of high places
Josh’s mouth says words, but the buttons say the truth
The Jingleberries made an awesome Fuck Fest theme song
“years young” is what you say when people start getting old
Will’s cell picks up CB Radio communications…let’s see your smartphone do that
Owning an escort service isn’t as glamorous as you might think