Here it is, Monday, the show is in New York this entire week – visiting jerkoff booths, playing cricket , and playing Horse Force songs. Back in the Swinghouse days, going to New York meant the boys were going to upscale studio. But now that they have their new studio in LA, the New York studio isn’t looking so hot anymore. One thing New York has going for it is less farty microphones. Plus the voice altermication machine isn’t there, it doesn’t work on the East coast, only the West coast – it’s in the contract. Continue reading
You know, I was writing the post title for this recap and I wrote and erased Thursday three times before my fingers and brain could agree that no, Jenny, it is not Thursday, it is Tuesday. And oh, what a Tuesday…but…enough about my life (for now) and on to what I haven’t had the opportunity to do in wayyyyyyyy too long which is to listen to the oh so wonderful Jason Ellis Show and write a recap for you fine folks. And you know, I won’t be exclusive…this recap isn’t just for all the fine folks out there, it’s for the assholes too. Enjoy it, assholes, you’ll get yours in the end :D The sweetest dude ever, Jason Ellis opened up the show today letting us all know that after taking a successful cocktail of what I will assume were prescribed drugs by a doctor, he was able to get a good night’s sleep and man, what a difference that makes in a man’s life. He imbibed a trifecta of liquid melatonin, gabapentin, and trazadone and that shit packed a punch way harder than good old Gabe Rudiger and actually managed to knock Ellis out. He’s feeling a bit better and thinks that it’s a great day to be in the studio and to be the man that he is and hey, by the way, Ladies (and possibly gentleman) he is single. But not really. But open. Or not. He may be closed. He’s not gonna advertise. Except for that whole thing where he just announced it on international Satellite radio, but SiriusXM is all kind of small potatoes…right? No, no, don’t get it all twisted, He and Katie are still going strong (I mean, seriously, have you seen Katie?) but she is away for the week and instructed Ellis to have fun and she really meant it. She gave him a full on Hall Pass to have fun while she was away and Ellis is feeling kind of old and all ‘whatever’ about it. Tully himself doesn’t know what he would do if he were ever granted a Hall Pass from his dear wifey, and Ellis told Tully that he should call him so Ellis would be able to talk him out of it because it is not a good idea because there is no way that Wifey is actually okay with it. Unless we’re talking about alternate reality Tully and Wifey, in which case, Ellis advises him that it’s something that has to be done with the right kind of chick because it needs to be known that this is a One Time Just For Fun I Don’t Love You kind of sex, not a Let’s Do This Once and Then Keep Doing It and Not Tell Anyone kind of thing. All Tully really knows is that when his chick goes away, things get weird…but Ellis doesn’t think he’s going to get weird, and it doesn’t really seem like he’s going to look for things to get all sexy either, but if it falls in his lap he sure won’t be saying no.
Ellis then goes a bit off Hall Pass talk because he is not a man to say no to a tangent and he begins talking about how he isn’t on Drew On Call tonight because it was revealed to him that ‘they’ didn’t think that the subject matter would be good for him to talk about. Ellis wonders what’s up with that and what they may be discussing on the show that he wouldn’t be able to talk about because he’s awesome and has something to say about everything and he is by far the most famous and wonderful and awesome person who is on Drew on Call except for, of course, Drew himself. But whatever, that just leaves him with a free afternoon and since people on Official Jason Ellis has been requesting that he goes on the site live more often he has contemplated just going live from inside the studio after he gets a sammich from downstairs. And, yeah, that’s just what he’s going to do. Today at four thirty (which in internet recap land translates to- earlier today at 4:30) Ellis is going to be live of OfficialJasonEllis.com. Boom. Go. Or went. Or whatever. And for all of you out there who don’t know, 4:30 PM Pacific is 7:30 PM Eastern Standard Time and all of you guys in the middle who aren’t in either of those time zones, just figure it out on your own. You’re not important enough for Ellis or Tully to run down the list, you’re not on the coast. But not really, you’re important, and probably very used to having to figure out the time difference as you listen to the show in the first place and because everything is advertised in terms of the coasts. Which is weird, because if the US were a sandwich the coasts would be the bread and the Mountain and Central Time zones would be the meat and the cheese and those are the things that everyone is into the sandwich for. Only weirdos are all excited about the bread (or so Hubbs tells me when he watches me make a sandwich for myself because he will never understand my love for carbs). Anyway….Chicago is in the middle and Chicago is pretty cool so, shout out to you Chicago for not sucking terribly!!!!
Tully brings up that later in the show there’s a guest on the roster and it’s someone who, upon reading his history, Tully feels shares a lot of similarities with Ellis in terms of how they got into the whole skateboarding thing. Oh, did I mention that the guest is a skateboarder? Well, he’s a skateboarder, and I mean that in every sense of the word- including tense- because even though he and Ellis were skating at the same time, Geoff Rowley is still a professional skateboarder in today’s world. Not ‘just’ a radio host of the best show on radio like Big Daddy J. Speaking of skateboarders and radio, right after TJES today there is going to be a super big special and exciting Demolition Radio with Tony Hawk because it is the Ten Year Anniversary of Demolition Radio, and in case you didn’t know, that is kind of a big deal. Ellis is even going to be on it so hopefully you listened because you don’t suck and got to celebrate yet another milestone in Tony Hawk’s Illustrious career. Yay Birdman. Ellis shared a little preview of what was going to be in store on the show from his own perspective because he talked about how, while taping, Tony said to him that he always knew that he was going to do big things in the Radio World, but he can’t believe that Ellis quit skateboarding. Ellis looks at it from the point of view where he wanted to be the best in the world at Radio, and the only way to be the best in the world at something is to devote absolutely every part of yourself to that thing, which, for Ellis, meant bye bye pro skateboarding, hello SiriusXM please let me talk a lot. It apparently was apparent to Will, Tony, and Tully from the get-go that Ellis was born with the gift of gab and basically from the first time that he opened his mouth behind a mic they were all pulling for him to get his own show and to be able to talk more and some of the issue with making that happen, at first, was that the bigwigs in New York were scared to take Ellis off of Tony’s show and give him his own show because The Birdman is a scary motherfucker who may kill people and eat babies in his downtime. After Ellis was given his own show (when Will asked tony if it was okay) Will made the pull for Ellis to be given more time on air for talking after a comment from Tully about how he just couldn’t understand why Ellis wasn’t allowed to talk more and play less music (a comment which Tully absolutely does not remember ever making). So, it really was a group effort that got Ellis his own show and helped evolve his show into the glorious thing that it is today. Yay Team.
Oh, hey, by the way, all you hundreds of millions of thousands of tens of people who are reading this…know what’s coming up? Buncha shit. That’s what. First of all, on October 17th, The Jason Ellis Show will be broadcasting from the Hard Rock in Vegas and you are all invited because it’s free. Stop on down to the one and only Hard Rock in Vegas and check out the show, and while you’re around, check out the after party that will be going down (presumably after) at Body English where you can also check out the debut performance of Horse Force cause FUCK YEAH!!!! Ellis says that he will be around and he will be available so come and check it out because it’s Vegas and Horse Force and possibly some Moto on Saturday. And that following Monday, October 25th, Ellis and Tully will be waking up in New York City because they are the Radio Show that Never Sleeps going to the City That Never Sleeps because, synergy man, SYNERGIZE. All week long, Monday through Friday, Ellis says that he is available. All he has to do is the radio show and Katie (he will be washing his hands in between) and if you want to meet up for coffee or lunch or whatever in The City during that week, hit him up on twitter or instagram or whatever and he will be there. I am already checking my schedule to see which day I have off of work during that week so I can tell Hubbs to take off and we can hang with The Man. Wooo!!! And not only that, east coasters, let Ellis know through the same social media means mentioned in the previous sentence and Friday he will get your passes to go to the SiriusXM building in NYC where Horse Force will be playing in the Fishbowl during the show. And hey, if you have the time I would recommend it because the SiriusXM building in NYC is pretty sweet, and Ellis even says that you never know, you may run into Real Celebrities like Martha Stewart or Howard Stern or Opie…or Jim Norton (who is arguably more famous that Opie). And then Saturday…well, well, well, Saturday, there is to be cricket and Ellismania Mini/Ellismania 9.5 or whatever because Ellis is bringing a little bit of Ellismania to the East Coast since we’ve all been bitching about it. Boom. Fucking show up. Party. Enjoy. Aside from Ellis and Tully, Will, HotDog, Dingo, and a bunch of other cool famous people will be there. I’ll be there with Hubbs. It’s gonna be a party!!!!! Buy your fucking tickets now!!!!
And then, right about at this point in the show I got a call from my Mother in Law that My Father in Law was having a medical emergency and she wanted me to go with her to the hospital because she was bugging out and I didn’t get home until 8 o’clock and even though I paused the show I still missed a part in between here and the next part that I listened to so there is a small chunk of time missing, but, shit happens, fuck you, I’m hot, and #sorrynotsorry I have to be there for my family. Also…as I gotta be there for my Ellisfam :winks for days: the recap continues…
Amanda Bynes has been arrested again for being crazy and driving under the influence and it’s sad. I mean…it’s just sad. As soon as she gets released from conservatorship from her parents she’s back to doing crazy shit, and it seems it was a little too much to hope that she would keep her shit together and get back to being successful. In other crazy news, a flight to Israel was recently delayed because a whole buncha Jewish guys from a particularly strict Jewish Sect called the Haredi refused to sit next to female passengers and is was a whole big hullabaloo. And man, did that news piss Ellis off. He was offended on behalf of women because wtf kind of nonsense is it that they were refusing to sit next to women, he was offended on behalf of being an American (albeit transplanted) because if you don’t like it, this is America, leave motherfuckers, and a whole host of other things. He basically took issue with the fact that the rules are the rules, those are the tickets that they had purchased, and maybe they should have looked into this beforehand, seeing as how obviously they are super-into their religion and have to have had to deal with things of this nature before. I mean, women are kind of everywhere. Existence kind of depends on vaginas. Sorry guys. They took a lot of calls, where a lot of people had good points, some people had bad points, and some people were racist and intolerant, but Ellis was fair about the whole thing. He just doesn’t buy into people being able to bend the rules to suit themselves by playing the ‘I’m Religious’ care, because the rules should be the same for everyone all of the time, and Ellis does not buy into anything that breeds hatred or intolerance.
Next up, Geoff Rowley, pro-skateboarder, mountain lion hunter, and knife maker is in the studio and wow are some of those credentials kind of surprising. Geoff’s interview struck me as kind of weird…part of me felt like he was vibing Ellis a bit, but it could just be the fact that he’s English (from Liverpool) and sounds extremely laid back, but at the same time is obviously a very passionate person. Extremely laid back and extremely passionate hits the ear kind of weird sometimes. But, whatever, Geoff is currently working on a skate video for Vans and has already had 4 surgeries as a result of injuries while filming in addition to lacerating his kidney after falling stomach first onto a chain link fence while jumping in between roofs. But he loves it and wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world. He’s 38 and still going strong in the skating game, and is the kind of street skater that Ellis really likes and respects, because he is just good at skateboarding and would be good at any kind of skateboarding that he would go for. And as much as he is a pro skateboarder he is also really passionate about hunting and that is a big topic of conversation for much of the interview because Geoff also has a company and designs knives and hunting tools and hunts Mountain Lions (for population control purposes). He also keeps a knife next to his bed because he is going to be ready for a home invader, motherfucker, and he doesn’t buy into the fact that Yellowstone was saved by wolves. That’s some bullshit propaganda in his humble opinion. They talk about coming to America to skate, how donuts were available by the dozens and how Cannolis are fucking awesome and how it’s all about making your dreams come true in America. It was an interesting interview…I’m still not quite sure how I felt about it overall, because there was something about Geoff that kinda put me to sleep, but I told Hubbs to check it out at some point because he’s into knives and hunting and guns and I thought he might find it more interesting that I did.
Rounding out the show there were final calls as well as a call from Bert who runs Drew on Call on HLN explaining that he still loved Ellis very very very much (and kept telling Tully to shut up because he called the show to talk to Ellis) but he just didn’t think that Ellis was the right person to talk about Hannah Graham (a college student who was abducted and murdered) and a real estate agent who was abducted and murdered, and that’s cool, whatever, Ellis is available and Ellis is the best. Ellis was also not too pleased about how he looked in his pics with Geoff because he’s still sick and he’s getting older and his face looks like it’s falling off normally and adding being sick on top of it is good for no one. But, at least he’s not a girl, because time is not nice to females for the most part, and no one really cares if a guy’s face is falling off as he gets older, but everyone is super critical of women aging, because people tend to be super critical of women about absolutely motherfucking everything. Oh, and, btw, the CDC has confirmed the first case of Ebola in the United States down in Dallas, Texas, so we may all be fucked, but, then again, probably not. We have way better healthcare and government and water than West Africa does. A bunch of final callers did call in to share their stories of love and how TJES has resulted in marriage and relationships and that made Ellis happy to hear, because to him, we fans are all a part of his family and he’s glad that he’s spreading some happiness in the world.
And folks…that’s all I have for today. Big shoutout to @shit_toboggan!!! Good luck!!!
It’s all Monday as fuck up in this Monday re-cap, get your Monday on. Man, it’s hard to make Monday sound good, even Lil Jon & Dingo couldn’t hype up Monday’s status. Fuck it Monday, you’re on your own here. Ellis feels funny, but he’s okay, it might be a tough day because he has absolutely nothing to say – only 3 hours and 58 minutes left to go! Ellis does love his prostitutes though! But he couldn’t be one, maybe in Nevada at a bunny ranch for dudes or something, but not like a real high dollar whore. Hey, people love watching Mike Tyson fights, even still to this day, but people also still love the guy – if you see him on TV, you stop to watch. If you hear him, you stop to listen. What if he took over the Rawdog chair? Continue reading
If you’re reading this right now, you’re probably wondering, “Who the fuck is Cody and why is this asshole putting words on my screen?!” Well, let me enlighten you: I’m your mum’s favorite play thing, your new step-daddy, and the newest Sherpa to lead you on the journey of debauchery that is TJES. Now that that’s out of the way, let’s get to the show. Ellis starts off by mentioning how slick his back is and that being slick means being more aerodynamic, which in turn means being more on-point and awesome. Ellis also mentions that we’re all fish people since we came out of the water (which is technically true. Score one for Ellis). Tully is back from playing doctor with his family, who I presume got some of that dang ol’ Ebola going around these days. DAMN YOU, AFRICA! Wolfscrub, the coffee-based body scrub that Katie’s friend made, is now available for purchase so you too can rub coffee grounds all over yourself like a deranged barista whose had to make one too many pumpkin spice lattes to fuel the endless horde of white girls in yoga pants and Uggs that ravage the land during Fall. It’s OK, buddy, it’ll all be over soon. You can purchase the scrub at etsy.com/shop/wolfscrub.
Ellis was on Dr. Drew last night and had a little accident on his way there. Ellis arrived a little early to CNN and decided to hang outside and soak up the sun, but his stomach was still bothering him from a bug he contracted from Tiger. After wandering around for a bit, Ellis stopped to lean against a pole and felt a rumble in his stomach, a signal that can mean one of two things: either you fart and it’s no worries or you shit your pants like a filthy animal. Unfortunately for Ellis, it was the latter. With a fresh serving of butt-butter in his pants, Ellis ran over to a sports bar (where he used to fuck a chick on a bar-stool because he’s Ellis and that’s not the least bit surprising) to address his now soiled undies. After cleaning himself up and throwing his boxers away, he headed back to the CNN building. Ellis wanted to avoid being called out for any potential shit smell that might be lingering on him, so he decided to hang out on the green room couch. All the girls on the show decided to surround him for a photo, unaware of the atrocity that had befell him mere minutes ago. Poor Ellis.
The UFC put some footage of Connor McGregor’s visit to the show in a video package promoting the upcoming fight, much to the delight of Ellis. Will stopped in to mention the Tony Hawk event that’s happening soon and a chance to win tickets to it. Go to siriusxm.com/faction for more info. Ellis is going to Australia for his Xmas vacation while Tully is going to Hawaii. How do you say, “Come at me, bitch!” in Hawaiian?
After the break, Hot Dog revealed that he also once shit his pants. He was watching TV and let out what he thought he was a fart, but it turned out to be a “soupie poopie”. He cleaned himself up and went back to watching TV. A few minutes later, he felt another fart coming and shit his pants yet again. Back-to-back pants shitting is about as rare as seeing Will run any distance for any length of time. It’s like a double rainbow or some shit. Ellis mentioned his TeraCross races being on CBS Sports in the coming weeks and Tully revealed that he will be crying like a little bitch on Sunday when he watches Derek Jeter play in his final game. Don’t worry, Tully, I cry over sports too because I’m a man whose comfortable with his feelings and FUCK YOU, I’LL CRY IF I WANT TO! Tully made-up a new game for Ellis and Hot Dog to play where they have to determine whether a crime was committed by legit gang members or Faygo-swilling Juggalos. Turns out Juggalos are pretty hardcore and are willing to carve letters into someone’s chest and tie-up their grandma, beat her with pots and pans, and steal her car to prove that they’re down with clown. WOOP! WOOP!
Horse Force’s show in NYC was brought up and Ellis invited fans to hang out with them while they’re there for the week. Just don’t follow them to dinner or something like that, you fucking stalker. Ellis confirmed that Ellis Mania 10 will be happening early next year in Vegas, but no official date or exact location can be revealed yet. The guys took some ideas for the fight that’s happening at the Horse Force show and decided on tying bungee cords to the fighters waists and feet, which can result in them toppling over like a drunkard trying to throw a punch. The best two fighters will get to fight at EM10.
We came back from the break with Heidi and Frank in the studio to play a game of Password. I’ll be honest, Heidi annoyed the ever living fuck out of me and sounded like a frat guy with her obnoxious laugh and painfully unfunny attempt at humor, so I wasn’t really listening too intently. Heidi and Frank ended up winning the game and everyone started talking about shitting their pants (a common theme on today’s show). Heidi said she pooed in her vag and got a UTI as a result. Women, am I right? Apparently some chick “dropped a clot” in Frank’s truck one time and he didn’t know it until he opened his truck and smelled it after it had sat in the sun all day.
The Ultimate Fighter was mentioned and Ellis is behind the Ozzy chick (of course) while Tully is a fan of the “Scottish Care Bear”, as he put it. AC/DC is losing one of their founding members, Malcolm Young, to retirement and will be replacing him with Malcolm’s nephew. Good luck playing those same three riffs over and over. New “Faction with Jason Ellis” bumpers were reviewed with mixed results. Will came in and decided to quiz Ellis and Tully on current world news. Turns out Ellis doesn’t know shit. Shocking. Oh, and apparently the White House likes to keep the front door unlocked. Great plan, guys. What could go wrong? More Wolfknives names were handed out and some lucky bastards saw their hard-earned money pay for names such as “Mr. Dead Uterus”, “Infected Shuttle”, and “Chitty-Chitty Gang-Bang”. Cullen stopped in for final calls and the show wrapped.
So there we have it, my first recap is in the books. Normally, this is where I’d say “thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed it”, but fuck that. The only fuck I give is the one I give to your mum on a nightly basis. Later, bitches!
So… here we are again, another Monday recap for you to wrap your brain around. Show started off with a hiccup or two, sound issues – someone has been fucking with the boards and things might sound a little wonky, but let’s roll with it and make it a bit for the first 15 minutes of the show. The engineer came in to fix the audio, so Ellis apologized and played 1 more song so the engineer can work his magic. Apparently there was a bet that Ellis wouldn’t be here today since he went racing this weekend. Ellis had himself a pretty good weekend racing. The guys mentioned the untimely death of Brett but didn’t want to discuss how or details because he doesn’t have 100% for sure facts, they also mention the untimely death of Eric the Midget. With all the sad out of the way, and hopefully all of the bad out of the way too, the show pushed on.
Ellis was thrilled with North Carolina, he loved the people, the fans, the food, all of it was mind blowing to him. Tiger has given Ellis the sickness, so that’s a bummer, but it is what it is – diseases man. So on to the races. Ellis yardsaled once like he’s known to do sometimes. He flipped the car end over end, got a bit of a concussion and some whiplash, and was left upside down for about 10 minutes. That part was on filmed too, so you’ll be able to easily spot him, he’ll be the one yardsaling like champ. He wrote that car off, which is pretty spectacular because it doesn’t happen very often, at least to all the other racers. It took him a bit to realize that his car was in 2WD and there was a little button to push that put it in 4WD. As soon as he was in 4WD, he’s like “holy shit! This is handling so much better!” Go figure. He gets done with his race and people are telling him that he qualified for the main, and he doesn’t believe it, there must be a mistake. He doesn’t even know how he did and is happy with that alone, much less anything else that may be coming up. By the way, these races will be televised on CBS or some shit and he’ll let everyone know when as soon as he knows. The people at the track had told Ellis if they have a spare car, they will give it to him. Turns out this dude in the Pro AM class is willing to give Ellis his buggy to race in. BOOM! Ellis qualified for the main again! Turns out that dude was a crazy redneck and ended up crashing his shit too and trashed it, so no car for Ellis again. In the end, Ellis went through 3 different cars, all of which ended up busted to shit – but he wasn’t responsible for all busting. He’s been invited back, he’s also going to have a buggy in California he can practice in. He was thrilled with it all and is still amazed by how nice everyone there was. All, he fell in love the BBQ and mac & cheese.
This year is the 10 year anniversary of Tony Hawks radio show, on Saturday Faction will be going to a big event with a bunch of special guests, including Tenacious D, that you can get tickets to. Horse Force – Tour de Horse is indeed still on for playing in New York at the Gramercy Theatre on October 25th, and Ellis has talked to Christian and everything is all fine and it’s all water under the bridge. There’s talk about another Horse Force show after New York that sounds pretty big, so be on the lookout for that. In Pot News, a news anchor in Alaska, Charlo Greene, quit her job on-air so she could focus on legalizing weed in the state. Skateboard correspondent Chris Cole called into the show to fill us in on some Dew Tour news in Brooklyn. Somebody won, somebody lost, somebody was good, and somebody sucked. Ellis & Chris traded old skate stories for awhile and talked about how Pink skated at Woodard before she was Pink (she was white). HEYOH! MMA News, I missed all of that thanks to work getting in the way. But hey, on the plus side, no spoilers!
Canadian News time, Calgary was overrun with 542 Batmen to set a new Guinness World Record, organized by the United Way charity. Remember when Ellis said Borgman was a good movie to watch? Well it is/was and some people even agreed. However, here’s a movie Ellis does not recommend you watch The Honeymoon, it was like having a load of balls in your mouth. I soon got lost because there was talk about some brother from
Moon Patrol Twilight’s brother to a guy who’s brother is Guy but his brother is better than Tom Cruise and brother put together, mother brother. I can’t tell if we’re talking about printers, movies, or pound cake. He watched another movie on the plane and cried after the movie, it was a documentary about a race car driver called Center Senna. There we go, Ayrton Senna, that’s the ticket. Tully finds he cries very easily watching movies on planes, the last time Will cried was at the end of The Notebook. Seriously, Will? Then work interrupted again and I came into the story about the Django Unchained actress getting busted having sex with her boyfriend in their car. After that, it was time for a quick impression by Hotdog. He was just as good if not better than Stupid Tits as his impression mysteriously ate all the same food he does in real life. Turns out, it was Marilyn Monroe, who he knows nothing about.
After a quick break, Conor McGregor came into the studio. You may know him by the other names he’s been called, Cooner McGrubby, Clooney McGrooby, etc. He’s a well dressed Irishman in the UFC and thinks American’s don’t know how to dress. He sounds like a good guy (not in the IRA) and was a good talker (I could understand him) and rolled with the questions like champ (he just might be soon). It was an entertaining interview and if you’re an MMA fan, I suspect you will be entertained too. A US based massage therapist has undergone surgery to add a third breast so she can become a reality TV star. She’s kind of like the Griswold’s family truckster of titties. WWE correspondent and fellow Wolfknives member, Blowgay Simpson, called in to give us an update on wrastlin’, Cena-stravaganza at Hell In A Cell, and the new Divas champion. Did you know 7-Up used to contain lithium? That’s right, it did and it stopped people from killing their families until 1950. And that’s when people started killing their families. Coincidence? Hey, Wolf Scrub is out, it’s for sale now on Etsy, and it is most likely safe for your ass, as far as anyone knows. I mean, in case Mr. X is wondering. And there you have it. Today’s show. Now I gotta go poop.