What’s that? I rolled it again? Oh, you didn’t want me to roll it? What?
Yardsale is back! For today anyway, tomorrow he gets his heart welded on and he’ll need at least 1 day to recover. It’s fucking heart surgery man, so don’t be upset if dude takes a few days off. If it were me, I wouldn’t even be in today, I’d be too much of a wreck to stop puking and shitting. Anyway, you know how he went to race this weekend? Yeah, he rolled his ride again, at least he went most of the race and rolled half way through the last lap. He was 10th out of 18 at that point. But hey, he qualified 17th and at one point was 8th, so that’s doing pretty good for not really being a racer. Besides, Ken Block crashed this weekend too, so there’s that. The main point here is that he had fun. Apparently TJ Lavin did pretty well and Ronnie Faisst sucked. Ellis is trying to stay excited about getting his heart surgery, Tully is excited, and all of Dingo’s innards are revolted at the idea. Dingo was a Jason Ellis Show correspondent at the Street League event this weekend, but we’ll get to that later. Ellis forgot to go on cam this morning like he planned to do each week, but seriously, what’s up with parking tickets in LA, am I right? Speaking of LA, there’s some traveling show about Pompeii or some shit. Why is that a touring festival? That seems weird. It’s like Burning Man, but with lava, pyroclastic flows, and death and shit. I hiked into Haleakalā crater once. Worst experience ever. I thought I was gonna die. Who knew a smoker, hiking out of a crater that doesn’t want to let you leave, in thin-ass air, above the clouds, not wearing sunblock, wouldn’t do so hot in that situation? Looked awesome hiking down, but hiking up was pure hell. Anyway, I’ve gotten side tracked. So dudes, is there a chick you would lock down by getting pregnant? We’re talking you put holes in your condom, but don’t tell the chick so she “mysteriously” gets pregnant and has to stay with you. I guess you have to be clear on your motives. I chose Oprah just so I could make her best friend, Gayle, jealous and be there to watch their relationship deteriorate. Anyway, since Ellis has been thinking about life lately with his upcoming heart surgery, everyone on the show came up with a bucket list over the weekend. But before we get to that, let’s take a moment to realize that Dingo has his own personalized stationary. Fucking. Amazing. Now, on to the bucket lists… after this!
Tired of sitting at work, needing to masturbate, but not having any personal lubricant? Now there’s KY Ink! Sold at stores near you!
And we’re back! Wanna know which 7 jobs have the highest suicide rates? Well just for you, I have the answers! I mean, someone else has the answers, but I can at least link you to them, so that kinda counts, right? What’s up with #7 on the list? The rest made sense to me, but #7 left me confused. So what’s the remedy for all these people in high suicide rate jobs? Get naked and hug a tree. Just go with it, man. Ellis ain’t got time for shit, except putting air in his tires. Turns out, he doesn’t have time for that either because people be blocking the air pump. Then the gas station attendant wouldn’t turn the air compressor on. DAMN THE MAN! Or at least damn the man working at Art’s 76 on Hollywood Blvd. Allegedly. Anyway, on to the bucket lists.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Dave! We said get naked & hug a tree. Not just whip it out and start fucking it!
Ellis’ bucket list:
- Be number one in radio, satellite or terrestrial.
- Race cars.
- Have a ten-some.
- Own a Lamborghini.
- Have a kick boxing fight.
- Do a wheelie on a horse.
- Not to pay his ex-wife or ever get a divorce again.
Cumtard’s bucket list:
- Have his likeness appear in a comic book.
- Go to Japan to fulfill his round-eye perviness.
- He’d like to fuck a girls butt.
- Sell a script he wrote and have it produced.
- Do a voice in a cartoon or video game.
- Save a life.
- Get powers. Like super powers. Which isn’t allowed on the list.
Wilson’s bucket list:
- Doing a voice for an animated series. He’s been dreaming of it since he was 9-years-old & even wrote to Mel Blanc.
- Have dinner with Jeff Lynne of Electric Light Orchestra.
- Own a home.
- See a reunited Pink Floyd in concert.
Listed on The Jason Ellis Show Wikipedia page.
- Go on a ride-along with the LAPD.
- Wants to see The Jason Ellis Show become the biggest show in the world.
Dingo’s bucket list:
- Have a family. Soon.
- Go heli-boarding in Alaska with his brother & dad.
- Create an award-winning TV show.
- Climb Mount Everest
- Sail around the world.
- I missed it. He went too fast, like he was ashamed.
- I missed this one too.
Jetta’s bucket list:
- Visit space.
- Sit courtside at the NBA finals
- Visit the deep sea
- Die on film, like fake die on TV or a movie
- Write a book
- Go see the Amazon rainforest
- To be in a massive, no rules, food fight
Tully’s bucket list:
- Make at least two more solo music albums
- Make a third album with someone he really respects
- Make some sort of meaningful contribution to the comedy of someone he likes
- Open a sandwich shop that he can afford to run into the ground
- Get a fancy, fully stocked, kitchen like they have on TV
- Be able to fly to several NBA playoff games first class style, hotel, food, etc.
- Have convincing cybersex
Next up, what kind of unusual shit have you fucked? After this!
Carol & Jeff paid good money for these trafficked kids, only to find out the kids are broken. Don’t let this be you. Buy your slightly used kids from Nike!
And we’re back! Ellis will be live on his website at 7PM. Every Monday at 7PM and every Wednesday morning at 8AM. All times are Pacific. So eat a piece of dog shit, you sum bitches! Ellis’ beard is getting really big, it’s grown up right before his eyes. Dingo doesn’t like it, he refuses to kiss a grape from Ellis’ face with that monstrosity. Get this shit. The Spanish town of Fort Kill Jews is set to vote on a name change, the proposed new name? Fort Hill of Jews. Not much of an improvement. Police say a man in Murfreesboro, TN tried to have sex with an ATM and later a picnic table. Wood on wood, that’s a recipe for fire. Tiger & Devin aren’t getting along lately and need some separation time. Ellis woke up with a pee boner. Someone’s watching porn and it’s not an adult. And that is a good segue into the unusual things callers have fucked. In no particular order:
You ready? We’re gonna fuck this Big Mac! No? What about this pickle? Why not? You can’t be so picky!
- Prosthetic titties in a dressing room. He came on the titties. Think about that the next time you’re trying on jeans.
- A pickle. Yes, the food item. He says it was like a little green pocket pussy. Nothing like a Kosher Dill to get you in the mood!
- A Big Mac. A fucking McDonald’s Big Mac. He only did it once though, so it’s cool, right?
- A friend’s mom’s underwear. It’s no Big Mac, but it has potential to be pretty gamy. I’m not terrified by this one.
- A medical doll. Like the kind you practice medical shit on, putting catheters in, etc. And he finished in it. This guy was a security guard. In other words, a serial rapist / killer in training.
Dingo is totally cool with being nude or having sex in front of people he knows really well. Was this a hint at his willingness to participate in a potential ten-some, or maybe just sit in the dark corner, watching it all go down, and jerking off to it. Bellator 120 fights were this weekend. Does anyone give a shit? How is Bellator even still around? I don’t know, go Google that shit. Speaking of shit, next up is our man on the beat with his ear to the street reporting not live from Street League, Dingo! But first…
Are you raising little shits that think it’s funny to practice CPR on a tube of toothpaste? Great news! Now you can hire Wanda, the meanest bitch this side of hell. She’ll teach them through the ancient art of ridicule and physical punishment. They’ll get to watch nothing but Judge Judy and CSPAN. They’ll eat what they’re given or they’ll starve. By the time your little monkeys are back, they’ll be addressing you as “Lord” or “Lady” and helping to clean the house, even messes they didn’t create! Act now!
And we’re back! Remember when Christian came with the lyrical only version of Katy Perry’s “Firework” and Ellis put out the call for people to pump that shit in traffic with their windows rolled down and Instagram it? Well it’s going to happen again. But this time, try to really get people to notice and react – but do it nicely. It’s meant to brighten up someone’s day, not a chance for you to be a rude dick. You could win a Wolfknives package and/or a Red Dragons package. And now, over to the extreme sports desk with Dingo. Wait, scratch that – technical difficulties. Wait. No. Scratch that too. Technical difficulties have been fixed. Shit. Wait. No. The audio is not up to Ellis’ standards, it’s not Dingo’s fault, this isn’t his job and he’s not used to this recording stuff. Poor Dingo. He tried and got a lot of people there to give him a minute or two to talk to him for the show. But it just wasn’t cutting the mustard so it was breezed by quickly and cut short. Sorry Dings. Time to talk to callers. Or maybe not. Not unless there’s a guy who had sexual relations with a dead chick. Also, Catheter Ablation, look for the new hit single this summer! I’m just gonna end it here because my daughter has some important shit to tell me about Butterfinger cups. Everyone here at NYA is wishing Ellis the best of luck with his surgery tomorrow and for a speedy, but more importantly, successful and healthy recovery! We’ll have our #1 guy back as soon as possible I’m sure. All hail the king of the west!
Meet Dennis. He’s a dumb motherfucker that doesn’t know how to hotdog. He also probably works for the government. Don’t be a Dennis. Call NYA Tech University today to earn your hotdog degree today!