TWELVE!!! What the fuck are you talking about Alex? TWELVE MOTHER FUCKING DAYS UNTIL I LEAVE THIS POLLUTED PSEUDO-MECCA CALLED THE BAY AREA!!! Why is that so important, Alex? CAUSE TWELVE RHYMES WITH HELL!!! LIKE I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL COCK SMOKER!!! DON’T TRY TO FIND ME EITHER OR I’LL TEAR YOUR SPINE OUT AND SODOMIZE YOUR CHILDREN WITH IT!!! I could not be happier today folks, I’m a short ways away from kicking some serious highway ass “Road Warrior” style in my sweet ass flame-clad Dodge Ram and getting up north to kill my unfertilized future offspring in the land of poutine and venison slurpees! It’s also a nice mellow day at work and almost lunch time, which means I can devote my time to you, the reader, so that you may ingest my seed before it is permanently cryogenically disabled due to my personal distance from the equator. In case I didn’t mention it, it’s also just about time for the Jason Ellis show, which is probably the only reason either of us is here, cause I doubt we would have any interaction by way of this website if it weren’t for the best few hours of afternoon debauchery known to man. Today got underway with the question “do you really know you’re you?” cause sometimes you just need new wallpaper. Jason has been looking through old pictures of himself and hasn’t found one that doesn’t make him look fat since before he got his head tattoo. Somehow, this seems like a good time to question religion and the Madden Brothers. Tully got into a conversation about tweeting the entire bible word for word and making the first tweet “In the beginning, god created the heavens and earth #LOL” and if future content would reflect the opener, I’d follow that account forever. Benji called Tully godless, which didn’t seem like it bothered him so much. Tully got into a nice critical history of how religion and street magic are a lot more closely related than most people would probably like to admit, cause god promises eternal peace and David Blaine just stands on his tippy-toes at an angle that looks like he’s floating. Jude was in studio to remind everybody that you can actually talk into a telephone. The guys talked about the many nuances of being a call screener and how aliens coming to earth wouldn’t prove Christians wrong cause what the fuck have facts ever changed for those guys? A guy called in to discuss this point, as well as letting the guys know that he has in fact discovered a dinosaur bone, so he knows what he’s talking about. If you still insist your god is real, John Cho has a show on TV called “Selfie” and he wanders in the background leering molestingly at the Wendy’s girl (hopefully that new one that’s kinda cute, and not the pre-teen on the burger wrapper). Jason’s divorce is pretty much finalized, but in a shining display of the HIGH FUCKING CALIBER of the California legal system, the court has been stalling on making it official for the better chunk of this year. Tully floated the idea of a for-hire mediator for people who have disputes that don’t quite warrant getting the law involved, and it would be a growth industry cause some people are victims of when keepin’ it real goes wrong. The real gripe Jason has with this whole situation is that it’s very likely the ex’s new man is gonna be his kids’ stepdad and Jason is pretty much never gonna meet him. Jude got a call from his daughter who just went to college and got drunk for the first time, which made Jude happy cause it’s great to know that his kid is comfortable enough to tell him that and not the mom, and he got to pass along his own party wisdom to keep the bad element from besmirching her innocence. In a twist of racist fate, Jason tried to guess that Jude’s daughter’s favorite drink is Alize, cause it’s just like white girls and ranch dressing apparently, but he was wrong. Truth of the matter is rum and coke is how the young Angelini gets down at her Florida college. The guys talked for a bit about their favorite drinks when they had the palettes of children, Like Tully who used to drink “stingers” which is just brandy and Creme de menthe (WHY 1940’S WHY?!?!?!) or Jude who used to drink lemon drops, which is the lemonade version of a screwdriver. Myself, when I could find a guy to shoulder tap, it was Hot Damn 100 proof and Dr. Pepper, or Black Cherry Effen vodka and Monster, both fantastic choices depending how much of an adult you would like to pretend you are at any given point in the evening. There was more talk about stepchildren and not the euphemism for getting your balls massaged while you’re getting blown, but actual children that aren’t yours but you’re busting into the mom’s clit prison. Jude was cleaning his house this weekend and found a bottle of GHB and being the kind of guy not to waste a dollar, he skulled it so he could clean out the bottle for storage in the future. And of course, with expired GHB or any drugs for that matter, doing a bunch of it all at once and then recording a video diary for your podcast is a great piece of immortal internet content. Jason let Jude know that if he wants to do the Foreally show on Faction, he’s welcome to, and Jude would love that but wants to do a slightly different spin of that and include Christian “The Box of Shoes” Hand. The guys talked more about how when you’ve got kids and don’t stay with their other parent, you get the wonderful benefit of turning your new partner into a prison snitch so that you don’t have to put them in the position of getting on your children’s bad side and fucking up your life with it. It’s also good not to turn your kids against your ex’s new mate, cause that shit can land you in a shirtless back alley knife fight on the back of your Harley-Davidson wondering how the fuck you went from being the star lacrosse player in high school to shaking down hookers for enough money to get something off the dollar menu at Wendy’s. Jude stepped out to do his normal 1 to whatever time All-Out show ends and Jason took a break to rage out some parent issues.
AUSSIES!!! Ya fuckin’ cunts mate, this family in Melbourne was having problems when their ten year old pet goldfish was being an asshole to the other fish in the tank and VETERINARIANS WERE ABLE TO MELLOW HIM THE FUCK OUT BY REMOVING A GIGANTIC BRAIN TUMOR!!! Which ended up being the cheapest major surgery I’ve ever heard of, on a human or animal, at a mere $200 Australian! While searching for the word “gazebo” Jason reminded everybody that WILSON has been known to murder black (and other) people in a gazebo from time to time. Aside from the Madden Brothers having a new album out today, Slash with Myles Kennedy and the Conspirators also have a new album out today, and in an homage to the hard work those well recognized artists, IT’S TIME FOR UNSIGNED BANDS!!! But first, shitty music keeps finding it’s way on to the Faction with Jason Ellis airwaves and it stung in Jason’s ass like that first time he got that stress hemorrhoid after EllisMania 5. Specifically, some band (?) called K-Flay and given the name it sounds like something that belongs on fucking Clear Channel where mindless consumerism can stifle out well composed music. The guys played a clip of it and it’s exactly the kind of top 40 shit that made me buy a satellite radio to start with. Somebody called in to try and back K-Flay even though I could give less than a fraction of a shite about ever hearing it again. Right, so unsigned bands, first was a rap from some guy called $Dollaphin$ and it did nothing to redeem the failure that is K-Flay cause I honestly could not distinguish the beat and given that Cumtard’s email correspondence with him gave no further pertinent information, it would be worth forgetting. Next was a group called Nawf, featuring our old target shooting friend Cassette Coast, also part of the rap genre but much more listenable and talented rather than white guys with rich friends trying their hands at things they’ll never understand. After that was a PHONE CALL FROM CASSETTE COAST! He gave an interview with the guys for a few minutes and accepted some kudos and praise from the crew for all the work he’s sent in so far. If you wanna check out more of his stuff, it’s all over the iFunnelcrappymusicdownyourthroatwhetheryouwantitornot (we’ll cover this in a few minutes) and Amazon and Google Play store. Next in line was Cormack which started off strong with some organs and then got a little dubstep/rap-rock and Clear Channel so not particularly noteworthy in my opinion. After that was Tri-Lac (?) Commission with their track Money Hungry Bitches which had potential then immediately lost it when the guys started trying to sing/rap. Next up was A Haunt of Crows which had a slight Stone Temple Pilots vibe but atrociously bad recording so hard to put in rotation anywhere. After that was Lucky Number Tuesday which was kinda throwback and sounded like Kings of Leon, but not as good, and that’s saying something cause I don’t even like Kings of Leon and think they should be assassinated. Next was Rebel Society featuring Butterballs of EM6 fame and if you like thrashy old school hardcore punk then this would be right up your alley. Next was Red Shift and I can’t think of who they sound like but in my own house they wouldn’t get played to completion with any regularity so it’s not slowing down my day. After that we heard the guys talk for a bit about how Apple forced anyone with an iTunes account to take ownership of the new U2 album, without consent or any legitimate interest, and to make matters worse it was a file that could not be removed for absolutely no legitimate reason, badly enough that Apple had to develop a web tool to remove it from everybody’s iCloud so that the sand would finally leave their collective iCunts. Little known fact, according to iLikeGirlsDaily, to apologize, Apple is gonna forcibly give you the new albums from Soulja Boy and Justin Beiber in a week or two. Now, I don’t know that that’s actually true, but I have absolutely no trouble believing it especially when it comes from the twitter account that feeds me tasteful nudity all day. Now, since I don’t need to suck anybody’s dick to have friends, I of course do not own an Apple product of any sort, but if I did, I would promptly go to Steve Jobs’ grave and ejaculate on it, simply for the principle, then shit on my load and watch it slide down his tombstone, like a shit toboggan. Back to unsigned bands, there was a glitch in my on demand so I didn’t catch the name of the John Tesh tribute band, but I did hear half of a couple words and it sounded like some fucking waste of perfectly harvestable organs tried to start a John Tesh tribute band. Next up was The Octagon playing a bit of radio friendly metal that would make the perfect walkout music for a pro wrestler, or maybe a UFC fighter. After that we heard from Anthem For A Massacre and aside from the somewhat cookie monster vocals, definitely a talented and respectable metal offering from the world of underground music. Second to last was from The Involuntary and it sounded similar to what might have been included in Apple’s new shove feces down your esophagus collection, then went all screamo and had notes of Creed and later Unwritten Law. And finally, we got a taste of Blab Pipe who were catchy and danceable with a vocal filter like The Dandy Warhols and would be acceptable background music for a third rate college sex romp movie. Oh, and Malice got kicked off Instagram again, so no more dark soft core 80’s porn and mini-pincer pics for any of us. At least not from her.
HORSE FORCE IS COMING TO NEW YORK and Jason plans on fucking a canolli as some portion of that experience, whether the audience is invited to watch is still unclear. Tully found a news story all the way from Bangkok about a woman who committed SUICIDE BY FUCKING CROCODILE at a Thai zoo, which is proof that bitches is crazy no matter where you go. The guys kicked around the idea of what types of suicide should be allowed, like if your old and in massive pain and your ungrateful shithead great grandchildren keep demanding more in their birthday cards every year that you can’t make good on cause you’re on a fixed income and the American medical system is bleeding you dry SO FUCK IT!!! LEMME JUST PUSH THE FUN BUTTON UNTIL THE FUN TURNS TO CARDIAC ARREST AND THEN YOU THIEVING NURSES CAN COME IN AND PUSH IT A FEW MORE TIMES BEFORE YOU STEAL MY CHECKBOOK TO MAKE COUNTERFEIT PURCHASES WITH!!! Jason said if he was gonna do it, he’d either drown himself in his ex wife’s boyfriend’s blood or maybe just steal a Lamborghini and toss it into the ocean off Highway 1. WILSON said the easiest way to go would be a nice sweet heroin overdose on the first time and Tully didn’t weigh in on it cause he’s probably got some truly devious shit swirling in his head that would turn Wesley Snipes as white as a bag of powdered sugar. Tully did however have a story of his great grandmother as was passed down to him that at some point she left the house, walked down the hill straight into the lake and didn’t attempt to swim. The guys talked a while longer about death and some of their well known friends’ death scares and public cries for help and what people are thinking when they want to switch it all off and at the end of it, we found out that officialjasonellis.com is having technical difficulties with the cameras so there’s just one angle and it’s straight up Jason’s nose. WILSON being the semi-professional stalker that he is, suggested a few ways that Jason could keep tabs on his ex’s boyfriend with security cameras and over the counter spy equipment, as well as using the kids as moles in whatever sinister scheme he might be involved in, or pretending he’s on acid and wandering in and fucking up his evening by whooping his ass and telling his ex to call the cops. And while they had him in the studio, they turned to the phones to have Jizz Cult give some caller advice for folks who don’t know quite what to do about blood stains in the trunk liner of their Subaru and all that plastic sheeting that basically became single use after a heated discussion with their significant other. First guy called in cause his wife left him and his son a bunch of years ago and before she left she planted the seeds of discontent in the child even though the dad and the new wife were the ones who raised him to be the guy he is today, and WILSON recommended that he respond to evil with evil, like not blatantly shit talking his mom, but slipping the allegations of prostitution and drug problems in as an aside to normal conversations. OR, plant drugs on her and get her publicly arrested while he’s around so there’s just no denying it. Next dude is in the process of a divorce and obviously that’s driven him into the type of financial ruin that prevents him from owning a SUPERIOR ANDROID MOBILE DEVICE and living somewhere with decent reception. Then we heard from a guy in the midst of a break up from a lady who seemed to be that perfect kind of crazy, but in the end turned out to be just regular undeniable crazy. Will suggested that he pop the question to her because the two of them are just too stereotypically perfect for each other and their children will be the saviours of all gender based prejudices. Jason of course was more level headed and told him to just let her go to voicemail and never respond. Or get married and crank out seven idiot babies, whichever is easier. Next was a fellow who has a pattern of dating women with children who don’t get any child support and refuse to go after it, to which WILSON responded that it’s probably because these hoes is cray-cray and don’t have any concept of personal responsibility, or they know their exes are such wastes of human life that it would be an exercise in futility to try and get the court to garnish their $6.25 per hour Walmart greeter paycheck. Jason mentioned off hand that the reason his ex’s new man probably doesn’t want to meet him is that it might change his opinion of her and they’ll break up, to which the Pendarvis Proclaimer responded that if the two never meet, there will never be any conflict between the two of them, ever, until one gets pissed that they haven’t met the other and decides to break in to the other one’s house and reupholster a Barca Lounger with their entrails so that they can get really well acquainted. Next was a guy who’s been divorced a good few years and started dating a new lady but he never introduced the kids to the new lady, but the mom tried to say that dad left for the new chick. After all that has been cleared up, the kids started getting to know some of the new lady’s family and the mom is being an uptight bitch about dad telling the kids that this lady’s family are gonna be around and you can think of them as family, just that they’re not any blood relation, to which WP the mother fuckin’ 3 advised him to just say “SHUT THAT CUNT’S MOUTH OR I’LL COME OVER THERE AND FUCK START HER HEAD!!!” After that was a call from a dude who got pretty close with a lady he had known for a good bunch of years and after she got pregnant and they were all ready to start a family, she left, lost the baby (which would have been twins), then came back and took his truck and his house, and now he wants to know how to move on from something so fucked up and harsh and the long and short answer is that you could move all your stuff into the crawlspace over her bedroom and masturbate into the same spot on the ceiling until it eats through the sheetrock and lands on her face while she’s sleeping, or just get right with yourself and get away from the situation cause there’s just no fixing it after everything that’s happened. Next was a dude who wanted to know how one goes about getting divorced for the second time and then letting the first wife try to start dating you again, which is basically voluntarily committing to a massive level of suffering, the likes of which would make Auschweitz look like a Cabbage Patch Kids nursery and would endure for a thousand centuries, through the throngs of a million wars worth of violence and despair only to culminate in the implosion of the planet’s core into another dimension where the cycle would repeat ad infinitum, until the history of the universe came full circle and you were reborn to live the same existence again. Last one to get through, we heard from a guy who had a kid with his lady and did his best to be a good dad, but every time he goes to visit and has the kid out of the house more than 4 hours she starts blowing his phone up like the Manhattan Projects final result, and he wanted to know how to calm that bitch down so he can spend some time with his child so that they don’t turn out like so many other shitty children. Unfortunately, the way the world works, the only way to do it is to go to court and work out an agreement in the eyes of the law. OR..OR OR OR… Kill her and bury her in a shallow grave five miles outside of town then go on about your day like nothing happened. BONUS ROUND some guy’s ex is getting divorced and wants to get back with him and he’s wondering what the hell to do, which (short answer) is beat the brakes off that pussy and move out of state, or (long answer) murder, shallow grave, tacos, mechanical bull, learn paper mache and start a new life selling crafts in a little border town in Belgium. SMOKE BREAK but not for WILSON cause he’s being good and sticking to his word.
MMA NEWS if you should be interested to hear it, Nick Diaz is under investigation by the UFC for his drunk driving arrest last week and TMZ is reporting that he tried to make himself vomit so he could get under the legal limit and is now adding the charge of attempting to destroy evidence to his case. CALIFORNIA POLICE, AM I RIGHT? Alexander Gustavson is all over the place in MMA these days and will probably be getting a title fight. Sluggo Boyce might have allegedly had botox and while this has very little to do with MMA, it’s fair to note that it may have been in his knees rather than his face. There’s some more fights coming up and stuff, it should all be entertaining for the fans. Rory McDonald was having his fight music picked by someone other than himself and somehow his phone number got leaked or he bought a new phone or something and he got all the crap and Nickelback a person could never want all due to a hilarious wrong number misunderstanding. Some Russian lady on a motorcycle is personally taking on her own crusade against litterers by pretty much Mad Maxing her way across the former Soviet Union. She’s also taking on assholes who illegally park in handicapped spaces. Tully found a video of a rattlesnake fighting a road runner and son of a bitch the animal kingdom is a mysterious place cause the road runner snatched this fucker’s head in his beak and then beat it unconscious and consumed it whole. The guys took final calls on things and stuff, and stuff and things, people are appreciating the changes in the music lineup now that Jason is sort of in charge of things. People called about littering and snakes fighting squirrels and DUDE DID YOU GUYS KNOW THEY HAVE BLACK SQUIRRELS IN CANADA?!?!?!?! Shit is crazy, guys. Well folks, it’s the point in this recap where there’s not much more substance to be written and I need to clean the dried pre-cum off of my abdomen and start getting ready for work.
Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,