Hi everybody! It was great seeing you all in Vegas, what a blast we had together! I met so many new faces, we shared laughter, stories, food, and good times. We’ve got a lot to cover today, so let’s just dive right into it, shall we? So today’s show was pre-taped, yesterday, about the events from the day before, but aired on Faction today. Let’s try and do this. It’s really not that hard. We already covered Friday’s live show, but we didn’t get to talk about HATEBEAN’s first and last performance that night, nor the Tiger Box concert later that same night, after HATEBEAN! Only HATEBEAN was live on OfficialJasonEllis.com, Tiger Box however, was not – though I believe it was filmed and will eventually be on the site as well. See? Simple, right? Continue reading
Fuck You! I don’t have to tell you shit man, I don’t have to tell you it’s Friday, and I certainly don’t have to just talk about The Jason Ellis Show. In fact, Fuck That! Its Dog Center mofo’s and joining our illustrious host Josh Rawdog Richmond is none other than Michael McTumble Tully (It’ll make sense later on) back from a two day aids-cation, which he “claims” to be over, uh huh! Rawdog doesn’t really fucking care what Tully has to say cause he gets to push the buttons and sit in the big boy seat! Tully did say he checked out some radio while out and the ‘Best Riffs’ was good clean radio fun! Superdad is also shocked Purple Haze is now out of the pool of 64. Tully also caught yesterdays no dick having proposition and got Rawdog started again, and just as he was about the marry a tranny, in walks our hero, our saviour, Young Wing. Well I guess Rawdog didn’t get that memo, you know the one about checking with Ellis first before just going into Dog Center like that. Turns out he didn’t get it, so in the end we all learned a valuable lesson today kids…..It’s Will’s fault, fucking Jizz Cult, who isn’t there today cause of his own aids-cation, which has officially been termed “Tully’s Shit Your Guts Out Disease”. Just hope that shit don’t make it to the East Coast! Anyways, Tiger kicked a ball into his face, and then he whipped his face off on Burger Ellis, and your Chad Reed’s poopie underwears! How sweet would it be to take Tully’s new drug, which makes you feel just like a 3 year old, blissful as it may sound it does include temper tantrums? How sweet would it be to think a Sperm Bank is the place you donate your load huh Rawdog? From there it was just phone calls on fisting stories, the likes of which produced the creepiest of creepy. One caller did remind Ellis how symmetrical and proportionate, not to mention aerodynamic, Ellismate’s penis is. That and Tully needs to tell Ellis this same type of compliment more often, to which Tully jsut dodged big time, finally giving in with a mediocre “Nice Cock”. Rawdog on the other hand does care for 6 pounds, and even suggested he get a Weenie Warmer for those colder nights!
UFC News is pretty fucking simple, its UFC 158 this weekend with Nick Diaz battling George St. Pierre, oh and GSP plays
mind games with himself! Grill Em All is this magical fucking place where these sweet add dudes make the baddest fucking burgers n sandwiches n all since like well never before. They came on the show to toss out some eats for the gents to review, and to plug their shit – win/win! Did you know Grill Em All is no longer just a truck driving around Cali, but rather a restaurant, with walls n a restroom n shit in the restroom n shit. Crazy I know – Its also true they got some deal worked out with Metallica for the name n all, and Metallica has not eating there as of yet. The dudes from Grill Em All did get to meet Lars one time, through Dave Grohl of course. They also were invited to a party Metallica was having, but didn’t make it??? Whatever, these dudes brought food and its Friday so fuck off. Ellis had the Behemoth which was fuckign awesome. Rawdog had the Dee Snyder which was pretty fucking tasty. Tully had the Bar Coastal, also excellent. This place sounds delicious! Weekends are crazy busy for the boys so it sounds like their move indoors is paying off handsomely. The good folks at Grill Em All also extended the hook up to Rawdog to impress any date he may want to bring by, fucking cool man. If your ever in California check these mutha fuckers out and enjoy!
Breaking News – Panda Porn works! Its weird as fuck, but apparently all those years of shoving two teddy bears together has paid off. Well its March, so what else could that mean? Its Best Riff time everybody. Today we were able to advance one more team to the Elite 8, this time from the ‘Alternative’ bracket. I didn’t catch it song for song, but you get the idea:
#1 – “Superstitious” – Stevie Wonder WINNER
#16 – Some Radiohead song
#8 – No freaking clue
#9 – “In The Flesh” WINNER
#9 – “In The Flesh” WINNER
#1 – “Superstitious”
#13 – That Pixies song
#4 – “Jerry Was A Race Car Driver” – Primus WINNER
#12 – Violent Femmes
#5 – “Money For Nothing” – Dire Straits WINNER
#4 – “Jerry Was A Race Car Driver”
#5 – “Money For Nothing WINNER (Triple Overtime)
#5 – “Money For Nothing” WINNER
#9 – “In The Flesh”
So the MTV song defeated Les Claypool’s strip club anthem in one of the toughest fought battles we’ve seen in year’s folks, only to move onto the Elite 8. More to come on this when we, you, well really The Jason Ellis Show decides who has the Best Riff!
Hey you’ve met Dom, the new producer dude right? He seems pretty cool so far, but as we all know that don’t mean shit until you get bitten by a snake, or shit on by one too that’ll do it. Well, today is no better day to initiate Dom into the club and who better to bring in the muscle? Reptile Outpost no doubt! And how better to determine the punishment, the Wheel Of Doom no doubt. And how to determine he Dom should face The Wheel, a simple little Q+A devised from #EllisFam tweets and Rawdog. For those of you who wanna play along at home, I’ve left the questions at the end. Now look, questions don’t mean shit here, all we care about is life and living it right! Well man, Dom learned to live today and tomorrow the air will taste so good to him. Cheese will probably never taste good to him as its almost as scary to him as getting bit by a snake or scorpion. Well after the first two questions were wrong, and Dom suffered through both blue and cream cheese and near vomiting, we eliminated cheese from The Wheel and shit got heavy. From there Dom pretty much feel apart really. He pet a scorpion and then a bird eating spider with minor complaint, but when the giant cock roach came out Dom lost his cool and almost his lunch since those things apparently smell like shit. Then it was put your hand in the box time for Dom. The first go into the box Dom was lucky as he missed the dick and touched only the bottom of the box. Then the snake was put in and Dom got another go, and another. Let me tell you by this point Dom was freaking out, screaming with a pitch the likes of Frank Decaro, but the snake wouldn’t fucking bite him. By then Ellis just had the Reptile Outpost dudes bring the snake out and try to bite Dom while his arm was extended but no dice. Its almost as if there’s a direct link between stroke victims and snakes refusing to bite them, weird. Anyways heres the Q+A for you to play along at home, along with Dom’s answer when incorrect (And the “Correct” answers are in the caption of the next picture, if you don’t get it then you are Fucktard Of The Week):
1. What was Tully’s original nickname? “McTumble”
2. Who was 1st winner of Musical Chair Fight? “Dingo”
3. Whos the worst house sitter? “Dingo”
4. Who’s the king of all pouches? “Raw Dog”
5. Give another nickname for Rawdog?
6. Who’s the original owner of Ellis’s Porsche? “Benji Madden”
7. Whats the jet ski tat on Ellis’s leg say?
8. What’s the girls name who gave Rawdog a hand job? “Sasha Grey”
9. What is Tully’s kids nickname? “Little Man”
10. What is Ellis’s favorite Offspring song?
11. Name a sex move Ellis has invented? “The Mouth To Vagina”
12. What is Dingo’s catch phrase? “Really”
13. Who’s the greatest toon to do coke with? “Scooby Doo”
14. What’s the original name of Death! Death! Die!?
15. What does “TFB” mean? “Tumble McRumbleson”
16. Who lives under the studio? “Springs”
..and for those playing at home, Dom got 4 out of 16, I got 15 out of 16, how’d you do?
How could I forget tonight is Tiger Box, the greatest event one man has ever planned. There’s gonna be metal n whores n locusts n Rawdog may go too, tis fucking sick man! But before the show can go on, Ellis needs to find his guitar tech/roadie, and this can only be done with a test of will n strength n fucktardedness. So each intern was giving a task to complete, a task that may or may not be asked of a tech in a pinch. Anal Gay Lewis had to go purchase rubbers, poke holes n ’em, and return as quickly as he could…..so Ellis can impregnate every lady there and make tons of shredding babies to carry the Riff on forever, duh! Fruitler was giving a gun, that may or may not, ok was used for a murder and needed to be buried where no one could find it. Both of them were to take pictures of the task for proof, and again return as quickly as they could, at least before the end of the fucking show right. I kinda missed a lot from here to the end, Hollywood News was about Sharon Stone pissing off her maid, and Val Kilmer tweeting Tully about checking out his new play. Well only 5 minutes of that shit and Anal Gay had returned. Well he definitely was the fastest thats for sure, but a job must be done correctly or the clock has not stopped ticking young grasshopper. Well, Anal Gay not only got regular sized condoms, he also decided it be best to take them out of the wrapper to poke the holes in them, and them slip them back into the ripped packaging. As Tully, who so elegantly hosts the world renowned Woman Am I Right, put it “woman ain’t that fucking dumb dude”! From here the show got very happy and stuff, cause it’s Devin’s birthday today. Happy Birthday Devin, hope you have an awesome day!!! Ellis worked it out so he could tell her Happy Birthday live on the radio, so everyone had to be super chill or else! Well Ellis flexed his radio muscle for Snookie to hear, and no more than 10 seconds after he said bye does Josh drop “…shit man, Fuck!” Fruitler had returned during all this, so lets see how he did. Well he had a picture of the gun being buried, and buried too! Well just to make sure he’s the guy, and to also quiet Anal Gay Lewis’s tears of frustration over losing this event, Fruitler was giving the same Impregnation mission, to which he poked the fucking holes into the wrapper – Boom! Anal Gay just died after that, and in my humble opinion got very Bitch Chocolate like from there on out. Anyways its Final Calls from there and you know we don’t give flying mother fucking fuck! All we care about is being elbow deep in your grandma with one arm, fist deep in your dad’s ass with the other, knee deep in your mom’s vagina with a leg, and standing straight up on the other as to form the self proclaimed “Family Tree”, OH!
You see, it don’t matter what day of the week it is if you have arthritis, that shit can just flare up at anytime. Today happens to be Thursday and Ellis happens to be in a deep battle with his arthritic wrist, you know the one filled with pins n shit from that one time it broke n could touch his elbow. Look the point is to live life know, especially physically – do cool shit cause you won’t be able to one day soon. Of course this doesn’t necessarily mean to pull along side some crazy dude, who just happened to pull over to some lady due to some extreme road rage and is beating on her window, but that is what Ellis did. Yeah some douche was harassing some poor lady cause she was riding his bumper or some stupid shit and Ellis pulled over to tell Holmes to fuck off. Holmes decided to shout some shit back, so the Wing got out of his THC issued Barry-like Porsche to make sure Holmes knew what he was doing. Well, Holmes didn’t so he got in his car and rolled the fuck out. What I didn’t tell you is Tiger was in the back of the Porsche, and did over hear Daddy calling Holmes “Pussy Man”. Ellis of course talked to Tiger about the incident, and Tiger agreed that Pussy Man had it coming! He also agreed not to say Pussy Man so lets hope he holds up his end of the bargain. Let’s also hope that he, Rawdog and you all decide to not eat as much processed meat, after hearing/reading this shit. Of course after a story like that, its only natural we pick on Rawdog for a few about his shitty diet. Caller after caller about how they got stomach rot from bad diets and how amazing cool ranch Doritos Taco’s are. Truth is, being vegan makes you an asshole and chicken nuggets have a shit ton of protein. That’s really all I got, oh and Rawdog hangs with Cumtard on the weekends, so uh good luck with that!
Liz Carmouche is one bad lady and called into the show to shoot the shit with Ellis n the boys. If you don’t know who she is, she recently fought Ronda Rousey in UFC 157, Liz is the one rocking the rainbow mouth guard in support of gay rights. She’s a total bad ass, a lesbian, a terrible guitar player, and she works at a gym for the love of it and to pay on her fresh Toyota Tacoma. She happens to teach classes at San Diego Combat Academy if you in town and want a beat down! Of course the price may have gone up slightly with her new found fame from UFC exposure. However, not enough to get on her The Ellen Degeneres Show – so here it is, EllisFam Flex, need you to tweet @TheEllenShow and let her know you want to see Liz Carmouche on the show. I’ll wait………..OK kool! So back to Liz, she beats up grown men and dates a mexican chic. Turns out her mexican girl friend actually keeps her calmed down ironically enough. Liz used to be in the military, closeted though since the ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ wasn’t in effect just yet. All in all she’s a bad mama jama. Speaking of bad mama jama’s, Katie stopped by the show for the Tiger Box prototype, but first she lent an ear to the Best Riff debate. Nothing much more today but some weeding out of what’s what. The good – Primus is still represented with ‘Jerry Was A Race Car Driver’. The bad – Primus is still represented with “Jerry Was A Race Car Driver’. And on a side note you may see Katie on D.I.Y. radio one day so keep an ear out for that!
If you happen to be in West Hollywood on Friday, March 15 be sure to get tickets for Tiger Box with host Jason Ellis at The Viper Room about 7:30pm. If your not quit sure what Tiger Box is, well you should go back and listen to today’s show for a sneak peek, or maybe check that shit on ellismania.com perhaps. Either way its a fucking hoot filled with whores n metal n metal whores. For today’s little test run, we had Ellis on guitar, Rawdog on drums (computer aided drums), Anal Gay Lewis on lyricaly sheet holding duty, and of course 4 wonderful whores – Katie, Malice, Joanna and our new friend Nikki Hearts. We had a few fans show up to help be the lead singer, casue thats the whole fucking idea of Tiger Box – You are the lead singer, the most metal mutha fucker alive, whores all over your junk, panties flying at your face, allegedly doobies and coke baggies inside of those panties flying by your face, a fucking great idea and night for you the fan! Our first contestant was Ryan from Chino who decided to sing ‘Am I Evil’. Before we review Ryan’s performance please trust me when i tell you Rawdog’s drumming was nothing short of the quality of my recaps, again trust me! Ok so Ellis did aight with his chops, and the whoreicane was in full effect, but Ryan managed to keep his cool and rock out undistracted. He did manage to loose his pants and get Katie’s finger up his ass, your welcome! Next we had Trapper Troy on the mic for his version of ‘Mother’, decked in full Wolfknife attire I might add. Ellis and Rawdog again combined for a lighter raising performance and Trapper started off hot, but he was eventually swarmed by a sea of poon and inevitably won incredibly in his actual defeat! Right about then we got hit with two bombshells, Joanna’s titties came out, ok so one bombshell, Anal Gay Lewis is quite possibly a virgin to which Malice offered to take care of that, such a nice gal. Well Anal Gay, lets hear what your sweet virgin ass can do on a mic, a sing us the sweet melody ‘Twist Of Cain’. Blah Blah Blah drumming sucks Blah Blah Anal Gay did a decent job in the end. So far so good for the Tiger Box prototype, lots of whoring, lots of metal, lots of fun. How could it get any better you ask? Rawdizzle decided to show us how its done ‘Holy Diver’ style. For this though, Tully had to take over the drums and man I guess that shit is kinda hard to do – anyways believe me when i hear you say that Rawdog fucking killed it! The whores were all glamorized by his Dio-esc stylings and clearly overwhelmed with his vocal masculinity, but then again who isn’t right. So again if you happen to be in West Hollywood next Friday, well fucking Bob’s Your Uncle!
Superdad use to be supergirl, check it. Since Tully’s mom was a troop leader for the Girl Scouts, ol’ Oxford signed himself up to be a Brownie and help sell cookies with the other girls his age. Dude did 8 years of this shit, no wonder he’s so fucking twisted I mean think about it people. Anyways, if you like big tits then your sexist like me, and if you like big butts then you can not lie! Speaking of big tits and butts, what else do you do with 4 hot chics after they’ve done whored out at a metal concert? Get ’em to punch n head butt shit for fun. So they did just that with the punch machine to see where each placed. Malice went first and ended up with a high of 47 out of her 3 punches, edging out Rawdog and tying Fruitler. Nikki went next and locked up a very nice 45. Joanna was next and before I tell you her score, remember she is the only victory for Rawdog in EllisMania history so with that, I give you a very unimpressive 31! Katie went again and got her score up to a 46 for good measure, and added a respectable 29 on the head butt list, which turns out is only for morons. In Hollywood News, Bieber is fucking frustrated and having what is known in the industry as a ‘porn girl meltdown‘. Not to fear Biebs, Joanna says she’ll give you a job if you need one, her door is always open. Of course she makes it sound like her pussy is always open too, since its not like it was when she was 19 – come on Joanna don’t be so hard on yourself, after all you taught me that in an orgy you always want to have odd numbers – even numbers only leads to pairing off and ends the orgy! Oh and if your set on having a threesome with your wife, just suck another dudes dick and get it on. Also, if your calling the show for Final Calls, don’t ever have “2 things” to say, it just never works out . In closing I would like to leave you with the immortal words of your own grandmother, “Oh fuck, oh shit, wait that’s my ass, nah its cool leave it in!”
This is the show recap with style, recapping the radio show with audio style! We’re so sexy our own reflection tries to molest us! Speaking of molesting, Malin Akerman is so hot she should be beaten, but not in a bad way. Beaten in a good way, with love, and a stiff dick. Speaking of cocks, Andy Bell isn’t one and all good after he and Ellis had a chat yesterday after the show. Dom (the new producer) is colorblind and single so ladies if your looking for a dude with mismatched socks, he’s available. Rawdog thinks looking for one night stands is creepy, figures, and Tully fucked a girl while he was house sitting his buddy’s pad and had to replace the sheets because she…fuck it, I’ll say it, her box was stinky! Tomorrow will be a rather cramped show with Katie, Malice, Joanna, and Joanna’s friend for Tiger Box practice. A black drunk Inspector Gadget, a black homeless dude, and a white guy in a suit walk in front of a seven eleven. You were expecting a joke? As of that mental image wasn’t funny enough. Then talk turned to pitbulls, shotguns, punches in de face, nails across the back, apologies, and of course, sex. And that was all in one night!
Ellis says that he is the man he is because of the BJ’s he’s had. I’m not sure what that means but it’s good advise, so go get BJ’s and be a better man. Today is the 15 year anniversary of The Big Lebowski and Tara Ried offering BJ’s for cash. If Ellis could run the country he would be dropping nukes on assholes and making it rain FIYAHHHHH! Then the other assholes will know that we aren’t shitting around. Then they talked about the one on one world war scenario again the only thing to remember from that conversation is that Crazy Bones Jones is to be feared by all.
Do you know what the worlds greatest guitar riff is? You will. Much like the critically acclaimed Worlds Greatest Guitar Solo, we bring you Worlds Greatest Guitar Riff! Is it Pantera’s Cemetery Gates, Metallica’s Enter Sandman, GnR with Paradise City, or Iron Maiden’s Number Of The Beast? Sent your suggestions to Tully, Jason, or Josh via Twitter or email them at firstname.lastname@example.org to send in your suggestions and they better not suck.
A dog shot his owner in the leg in Florida, probably after the dog caught the dude with his bitch. It is Florida after all. Somebody said that Ellis changed after he regained the memory of his raping from a dude he helped and now he doesn’t want to help anyone, like Tully.
Rawdog did his report on vaginas today, and we learned about the actual vagina, the vulva, the clitoris, the outer lips, and the roast beef. We also learned that there are many more uses for pubic hairs than just smoking them. Also don’t forget about vaginal odors and discharge. Finally, if you are a man, remember, your wiener doesn’t bleed, THANK BARRY!
In Feces News a man pooped on Camry and then fled police causing an accident on a freeway in California. A flaming bag of poo set a Pennsylvania house ablaze! Then they got off track a little and started talking about life on an islandlette and sharks then Jaws then Jaws 4, then mom Brodey fighting the Jawseses and something about Batmans butler, and how the Jawseses are big then small then big again, then the shark horse then a cat vs 100 walking goldfish. Back to jaws. Jawseses 5, terror at the academy awards. Oh and Dom is getting onto Grinder. In Hollywood News, Kanye is mad about being seventh on MTV’s hottest MC list, Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore are getting divorced, the dude that played John Conor is going to jail on a probation violation, and Cuba Gooding Jr is lying to chicks in the most awesome way and getting then in the sack! I made that last part up but you know that it’s true. Then Ellis gave a caller tips for taking your chick to the strip club, basically if she’s not cool with it, leave her fun time killiin ass at home! And Russel Crowe took a photo of a UFO, seems legit to me. Reminds me of the time I took erotic pictures of yer mum, she was in bikini bottoms, topless, on the beach. Everything was perfect until that stupid whale rescue team got there and pushed her back into the ocean, OH!