I seriously don’t ever remember a time when Bert McCracken was on the show and it wasn’t hilarious. He’s a great guest, great sandwich artists, and he also makes his own sausages. I never would’ve even given that dude a thought if he didn’t show up on TJES and holy hell, I’m glad he did. Listen to Bert completely ignore the conversation about Dom not being able to hear and try to sell Dom on the idea of becoming an employee at Subway. Then listen to a caller trying to convince the guys that they should let McFadden talk more about singularity and how interesting it is. Continue reading
It’s raining! It’s pouring!!! Your mum keeps on whoring!!! I’m kidding, folks, your mum probably isn’t a whore, but if she is, I hope that her prices are fair and her pimp keeps a fair and gentle stranglehold on her human potential. That said, it’s time to get into my favorite part of every day, silently hating everyone that comes into my shop or calls on the phone because they make me have to keep pausing the Jason Ellis Show!!! Today’s show got underway with some conversation about how turning up your headphones can totally recharge your day, unless you play golf, in which case you probably wouldn’t be able to handle having your day charged up with Monster energy and Skullcandy earbuds cranked up to 11. EXTREME! Anyways, people need to stop taking golf so seriously, unless we decide to modify the rules of golf to include off-road go karts or jousting with the clubs or something. The same thing kind of goes for soccer. There’s a reason Americans gave it a different name than every other country that calls it football: we’re not the third world, and we can develop new sports when we get bored with kicking a ball across some grass. Tully remembers when American football used to be a lot more brutal too, the way Americans have always been known to act, but now with political correctness and giving kids gold medals for participation, it’s basically turned into a whine and bitch fest for overpaid high school jocks riding out the last few years that they can keep pulling it off. Remember how the NFL is a non-profit organization? Nothing to do with anything, just thought I’d remind everybody. On the off chance that Adam Snyder from the 49ers is reading this, disregard my opinion of pro-football players, EllisFam got no beef with a fellow member who happens to be a professional athlete. Jason got some new awesome beard care stuff from one of Katie’s friends, and it’s a good product but this friend is sort of an odd fellow, so Jason is trying to be miserly with it so he doesn’t turn into some creepy lactating euro guy from overuse of some unknown personal hygiene product. Jason instagrammed a picture of this stuff, and like the internet is known to do, every asshole with a 3G connection or better dropped their 2 cents on the subject. Ellis recently had his wallet stolen, and he knows where it happened, which just makes that shit sting a little bit harder cause money is one thing but having to go to the DMV for any reason ever is like having your coffee ejaculated in every morning for a week. Jason was filling out some paperwork to get new cards for some of his insurance and whatnot, and the nurse who was giving him the questionnaire to get a new health plan card didn’t know he used to be an action sports athlete and that he’s probably had his fair share of injuries. After all that was done though, Jason got to see the chiropractor and that guy had the most wonderful assortment of Rube Goldberg machines that fixed up J’s back pain faster than shit through a goose. Somehow the conversation turned to massage parlors and how men go to chiropractors and women go to masseuses when they get sick of being unfulfilled by their husbands, or something to that effect. The guys took some phone calls on joint pain and not overextending yourself if you’ve spent the last 20 years going hard in the mother fucking paint without stretching first. Tully has been nursing a sore spot on his foot for a while and Ellis suggested that he might be right at that magic age where you either get old and fade away or start taking advantage of every bit of science and pseudo-science available to the common man and become the next Six Million Dollar radio co-host. A massage therapist from Utah called in and the guys couldn’t stop harassing him for a coccyx adjustment, but he said they would have to get in touch with him off the clock cause that particular massage is just a touch too close to the anus to do it during regular business hours when there could be a paper trail that can be used as evidence in a court of law. The guys talked more about back pain and getting old and how probably half the people you know who claim to have some fucked up body part probably just need to exercise more often OR man the fuck up and grow a vagina. AN Aussie guy called in to sound off on this, but Jason couldn’t stand his accent cause he felt like it was a negative stereotype against himself, so we didn’t get to hear a response, but one guy called to say he had to get a testicular surgery from playing some fuckin’ EXTREME golf. This guy got Tully on the topic of old guys who refuse to give up basketball and how he’s standing on a very wide fence about whether or not he’ll be one, and that fence gets a couple inches thinner every year. A lady called in to ask Jason why it is she might be overweight, even though she eats really healthy and runs marathons and shit, but still can’t get that last 35 pounds off that her doctor is recommending. After asking a few questions, it became obvious this lady probably has some sort of ancient hex placed against her and she should call her local shaman to exorcise it, or learn black magic herself so that she may pass along the curse to some other unfortunate bloodline. After a few more questions, it seems that maybe she’s not sticking to everything as well as she says she is, or her doctor really is an idiot. But fuck all that, cause there’s a new surrogate/substitute/replacement website for EllisMania and it is officialjasonellis.com!!! It’s pretty much the same website, just with a different URL and you might get a few free months while they’re transferring all the user data over!!! The guys looked over the new site and what the top five videos viewed were, and it’s official: The crazy, yelling, pissing lady who was harassing Jason outside the gym is the most universally entertaining thing in all of the internet! After being told this, Ellis could not help but remind the listeners that in West Hollywood, it is impossible to escape the sight of urine on a daily basis, on those mean southern California streets. It’s like the sun rises, and everyone in the city faces the center of town and starts pissing. There was more talk about how when you get old you need to be more responsible with your body or your anus is gonna get uterine cancer or something, I couldn’t follow it cause I was digesting some wonderful delicious pizza and thinking about staying up till 2 playing video games tonight and then maybe snapping one off in the shower, but I’m sure there was a lot of positive advice for the people who needed it. This all flowed in to talk about always expecting the worst case scenario, and WILSON came in to call Tully out for saying it all the time, which Tully could not remember doing at work but can definitely recall doing with his wife. WILSON was good about this topic, he keeps as positive an outlook as possible, with those glimmering shins and that majestical peacock-like waxed semi-hawk, getting around on foot cause he had to get rid of his Saab, he’s like the father I always wanted, except for constantly being on conference calls, which would make him pretty similar to the dad I got, so win-win-lose if he were to adopt me? Great news though, WILSON has been given permission to fight Cumtard!!! AND THE FACKING TOWNSPEOPLE REJOICE YA FACKIN’ CUNTS!!! So, EllisMania 10 is gonna be some unimaginably awesome shit, just for that. In talking about the fight to come, I couldn’t help noticing that the guys keep mentioning me (cause I have a sensitive ego and am very receptive to any and all input, positive or negative) and Pendarvis may not have the punch power that Kevin does, but after reviewing the video of my first round TKO by the Tard, it seemed to be a pretty fair match between me and Kevin back at EM8 and it would probably be slightly better odds in Will’s favor just cause he’s gonna be a lot harder to move out of the way than I am. I’ll let you guys stew on that and reminisce about watching me smoke what I’m hoping wasn’t actually pubic hair a couple summers ago, while the boys regroup and Akka Dakka provides the soundtrack.
Ugh, so someone parked a Prius with eyelashes on the headlights across the street from my work. No real reason why I’m mentioning it, I just despise people who treat the Prius the same way everyone treated the VW Beetle in it’s heyday. It’s like there needs to be an “Unsafe at Any Speed 2: You can make a hybrid that has enough horsepower to moveat a reasonable pace with traffic.” But I digress, cause McLaren has built a nine hundred and something horsepower hybrid that can literally strip the paint off a Prius in two flyby’s, so technology isn’t leaving those of us with a respect for the motoring arts out to dry. Anyways folks, AUSSIE NEWS! First up, there could allegedly be a Vegemite energy drink, but it is April fool’s day, so that’s total bullshit, but in actual real news, there’s gonna be movie coming out THAT IS ALMOST AN EXACT RIPOFF OF THE WOODSMAN!!! Except that it’s about Drop Bears, which is also something Jason says he invented, but it’s not important because this (allegedly fake?) movie trailer isn’t as much of a horror movie, but sort of a comedy, but a really shitty one, and not aided by cheesy one-liners about cumming on someone’s face after murdering them with their own aborted foetus. So maybe it’s worth watching, but then again it could be a steaming bowl of elephant piss, or it could be yet another elaborate internet prank against the world. The guys kicked around more ideas for another movie to film, because they really had a lot of fun with both The Woodsman and Big Fucking Mega Boat. Scarier than another hidden pussy fart though, a girl in Mexico is in hot water after allegedly stabbing her friend 65 times over some naked selfies that they posted to Facebook, once again proving the intrinsic lack of value Facebook has to the human race. Jason argued with Cumtard for a bit about whether or not there would be a CEO knock-out at EM10 and the guys decided to make a bet out of it, the stakes are, if Cumtard survives past the first round, Ellis is gonna rollerblade in full view of the crowd, and if he doesn’t, Kevin has to eat as many onion rings as they can stack on an erect penis. Now, I’m not one to watch what is essentially gay porn, but even that sounds kind of funny. Especially when Tully threw it out there that it needs to be someone they don’t know, preferably a humongous porn cock. The name that was suggested was Mr. Marcus, but then Tully realized the reason that name popped in his head is because that guy did 30 days in jail for knowingly giving two female costars syphilis. So it looks like aside from puking on a massive, pulsating doom spigot, Kevin “Cumtard” Kraft is also going to go out just like Al Capone. Myself, I couldn’t be more excited for this whole thing to play out. Kevin has diarrhea today too, so there’s that for you. The guys talked some more about all the fights that are gonna be happening at this next EllisMania, not just the fight between Kevin and his self respect after eating onion rings in some sort of bizarre live sex act. The pinata fight was suggested, as it really could have worked if they had been able to get an actual pinata instead of throwing Grant Cobb in the middle of the ring with no warning or headgear. Also, the Biggest loser fight, which is open to two men and two women, so there might be two of those fights, if the volunteers can be found. Pendarvis and Kevin came in to trade some intimidation in regards to their upcoming bout, and after hearing about Kevin getting randomly assaulted by a drunk firefighter (hey, he didn’t go to the ground) we found out that WILSON has been smashing rib cages since before kindergarten. All that aside, Kevin is already planning how to eat onion rings off of a gigantic phallus without having to worry about triggering his gag reflex. All this talk did trigger a great contender for the name of this EllisMania though, or possibly a new Death!Death!Die! song: Cock Vomit. They also through out the idea of EllisMania 10: Sea Men Fight. But the name really isn’t important, because the guys really need to sort out the logistics of how this onion ring cock sleeve thing is gonna go down. And since the insurance to have a porn star put deep fried food up the length of his phallus in full view of a few thousand people is probably astronomical, they’re thinking of having a more illuminati type affair back in Jason’s room with naught but a small select crowd and lots of plastic sheeting. A few people called in to make it as clear as possible that Cumtard really does need to make good on this bet, and that apparently it’s not so weird that people want to watch it happen. A couple folks even volunteered their cocks for the whole thing. One guy had half inch long genital warts though, and Kevin used the whole “Michael Douglass HPV Throat Cancer” defense to let the guys know he wouldn’t do it if they picked that guy (like a bitch). While you all make peace with your gods over what you’re about to fly to Vegas to see this summer, let’s have some Nirvana and take a breather.
HEY POTHEADS!!! You’re gonna get a kick out of this one! The guys found a video of a kid ABSOLUTELY LOSING HIS SHIT AFTER TRYING DABS FOR THE FIRST TIME AND IT IS PRETTY FUCKING EPIC!!! I remember having a couple shitty times when I did drugs, but if I did something like this kid I would have promptly been beaten and robbed by every friend I ever had, simply on principle. There was some talk about salvia cause a lot of people claim to go absolutely fucking nuts when they do it, but Tully has smoked a metric shitload of it and could still pass a field sobriety test. Cumtard came in to share some of his experiences with it and it sounds like for the right person, it could be a great time, and for the wrong person, it would be a great way to reduce the population when people have a tard session and run out into traffic. One guy called in to tell the guys about one time when he smoked salvia and went and took a shit on his front porch, then he punched his roommate in the face. Red Dragons. I remember one time at Boy Scout camp when me and a buddy got some weed that was laced with PCP and we smoked a bunch of it and started seeing all kinds of colors in the pitch blackness of night in our tent, and then I fell asleep halfway through eating a sheet of beef jerky and woke up with the whole side of my face fucking CHAPPED like a salt cured fish. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, nuh-nah-nuh-nah-mean? There were some more phone calls on salvia and interesting things that people have done when high. One time myself, same buddy, Boy Scout snow camporee, we built an igloo for the multi-troop competition, it was the fucking sweetest one and got our troop a ribbon, then we ditched everybody else and GOT THAT MOTHA FUCKA MUGGY AS FUCK and carved some titties in the wall, cause when you’re young, you do stupid shit like hotboxing igloos and carving titties in the snow. Oh, and the first time I did whipits, I made the mistake of hitting one while I was standing up, and just as I was exhaling I fell directly sideways into a stack of shit in the corner of my friend’s room and almost smashed a ship in a bottle on my forehead in the process. Driving to his old college on acid was a hell of a time, we got the stuff just past sundown, took some, kept the rest for the Mardis Gras weekend we were about to take part in, and drove four hours from Hayward to San Luis Obispo. Best moment of the drive, I’m in the fast lane doing about 95 in my old Volvo station wagon and this dude has been riding my ass for miles, so just as I’m about ready to switch lanes and let him pass, THE FUCKING RED AND BLUES START FLASHING!!!! And here’s the kicker, the cop was BEHIND THE GUY BEHIND ME AND DIDN’T TRY TO CHASE US! If I was ever gonna shit my pants and make sure everybody knew it, that night would have been the night to do it. I introduced all those rich surfer kids to drinking forties and smoking Newport 100’s that weekend, and saw lots of college nudity. Second to last night there, we were drinking on this girl’s balcony while there was a big crowd in the courtyard below, and all of a sudden, in perfect slow motion, a 40oz bottle goes flying through the air… and explodes on top of a riot cop’s helmet. The cops immediately unloaded paintballs and sandbags every which direction and I promise you have never seen two thousand drunk college kids clear out of anywhere so god damn fast. I’m only telling these stories cause that’s what everyone else was doing on the Ellis show, and since a lot of you probably already heard it, and this is not the Ellis show, I figured I’d give you some of my own. The guys started digging through the props box for all the stuff they want to keep or get rid of for their celebrity guest instagram photos. The reason for the spring cleaning is that a costume company has reached out to the show and wants to give them some stuff to keep around for those historic photo moments. Unfortunately, in the process of this, the guys called out Hardcore the intern for corralling celebrity guests into taking pictures with him for his own Instagram. WILSON is just as guilty, only he tries to be a little more low key about it and slip them the tongue when the flash goes off. Pendarvis got all kinds of defensive about it, and Hardcore is probably gonna flunk whatever class he was supposed to get credit for by doing this internship, and Jetta does it a bit but he isn’t a complete asshole about it and tries to do his own thing instead of playing Tarzan off anybody else’s nuts. Cumtard is a bit more reasonable about it, he at least gets pics of everything going on at the show, not just celebrities, but all the same he could do to tone it down a bit, or WILSON is gonna start withholding sex and their bizarre working bromance could be put in jeopardy over who gets more likes whenever Joanna Angel stops by. Tully and Jason came to the agreement with everybody that they can take all the guest pics they want, you just gotta do it “Creepshots” style and pretend to take a phone call but really have video rolling. WILSON got really bent about that and went to sulk because the press pass hanging from his angry lanyard was not properly respected by the crew. The guys took some final calls on things and stuff, one guy tried to psychoanalyze WILSON over the suggestion from yesterday that he start smoking weed, but it was poorly timed so the guys didn’t bother listening to it all. There was more digging through the props box and it sounds like the guys need to buy some more of the creepy handmade shit off Etsy that they always seem to find, but they do have some good ones in there that you can keep an eye out for when you’re trolling everybody’s instagram to see if anybody got spy photos of Mark McGrath’s dick in passing or whatever the hell you look for when you’re on instagram. There were some more final calls about stuff and shit and things and whatever, and Cullen might be the CEO of Faction if Jason ever gets his own channel, since he pretty much works a 395 hour workday running the channel as it is, with WILSON pulling 72 hour days as a supervisor. Of course, this is all hypothetical until Ellis can manage properly cultivating his beard into a proper authoritative mechanism that commands respect from the international corporate community of SiriusXM. If that all goes according to plan, he’s probably gonna cherry pick his own staff and talent, and Faction will sink by the wayside like the short lived Punk channel that I actually really liked, that Cullen and Cechnicki were in charge of before the merger. Don’t forget, the guys are gonna do unsigned bands again soon, so get your shitty alt-pop offerings out on the internet at firstname.lastname@example.org and it’ll get airplay for one whole week, at some time between noon and 4 PM, Monday through Friday, and even if it’s the best of the pack it will still probably be deeply ridiculed, and that’s OK cause it’s all in good fun and no matter what music you make, there’s an audience that wants to hear it. Just look at that shithead Justin Bieber! The guys played around with the idea of going to church and breaking off the minister mid-sermon to preach the word of Pantera, and I for one think that would be a hell of a reality prank show. So if you have a YouTube account, I would love to see your best attempt. While you’re at it, LEARN WHAT THE FUCKING DON’T DIE SEGMENT FUCKING MEANS!!! IT’S NOT LIKE THE SHIT HASN’T BEEN A STAPLE ON THE END OF THE SHOW FOR SEVERAL FUCKING YEARS NOW!!! YOU WONDER WHY I REFER TO 80% OF HUMANITY AS A PACK OF MORONS?!?!??! FFFFUUUUUUUUUUCCKKK!!!!!!!!
Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,
Holy shit, it’s August already? That’s fucked up. Holy sheeit, a bird just flew three feet in front of me, dipped in the air and took a shit. I think it was trying to shit on me. Oh, and… HOLY SHIT BALLS! Ellis’ new 24-hour channel launched today! Channel 713 on Sirius XM Online and phone app only. Check it out, the future has arrived. Anyway, welcome to the re-cap, we have too much re-cap for you today! Ellis was thinking about being really tough so he can open mayonnaise jars and shit. But you don’t have to be that tough, you could be soft and still be tough, it just comes
from the back door from behind from another angle, lets say. Ellis wants to be out in the sun, he’s feeling pasty. Tully’s going to a resort this weekend to be in the sun, but he’s going with a baby. Rawdog? He’ll probably not be in the sun, he’ll be in the warm glow of his laptop. Someone keeps leaving big long black hairs all over the boards in the studio, and there’s only one person they could belong to and Rawdog knows who that is, he saw the culprit. Who is this mystery man you ask? Let’s just say he’s the producer of a show, but you’d never know he was because he’s not allowed to be heard or even seen.
Betsy came into the studio pretty much right away. She came all the way from Chicago and schooled Rawdog on where he should’ve went for pizza because apparently he went to a real shithole of a pizza place. Who is this Betsy woman you ask? She’s the girl that bid a fuckload of money for charity and a chance to sit in on the show, meet the guys, etc. Her bid was only $1000 less than the most ever bid, all-time, in Sirius XM history. Everyone is pretty tired of Tito Ortiz and his antics. So why are we talking about him? Because he’ll be fighting Rampage in Bellator on November 2nd. Remember the Red Bull heir that got arrested for a hit-and-run and killing a dude? The case still hasn’t been heard yet, but the Red Bull heir’s family has so far paid the family of the man he killed $97,000 big ones. Back to Betsy. Whose the first “special” guest they brought in for her to meet? Cumtard! Betsy get’s to pick from 1 of 3 envelopes, all of which are things she gets to do to torture Cumtard, congratulations Betsy! First up? Ball sack tractor pull, where Cumtard’s kidney stone laden cock & balls gets tied to a remote control car and Betsy controls the car in an effort to rip Cumtard’s balls off. Betsy, who said she didn’t want to even do this, floored the car, ramped it out of the studio, and mutilated Cumtard’s package.
America is a crashy culture, we like to crash into people and things with our vehicles. Thailand is a stabby culture, they like to stab people and things with their various stabbing devices. After a disappointing video of a bear vs man fight, we heard audio from a video of Urijah Faber telling his story about having to whip some Bali ass. This led us into the time Ellis got into a bar fight, stabbed in the chest with a key & head butted from an English guy, and had several people kicking him in the head while he was on the ground. Betsy is a big street fighter and boosts cars, I think I read somewhere that she shot Tupac and Biggie before they shot each other. Tully’s parents went on the TMZ bus while they were there visiting, no word on if they got to see any celebrities or if they’d even know if they did since you’re not likely see Fatty Arbuckle era celebrities. OH! Get it? Tully’s always talking about how old his parents are? They probably wouldn’t recognize the young celebrities of today? Okay then.
Next up, we have MMA news with intern Team Punishment. November 2nd Team Punishment is back as Tito Ortiz will be fighting Rampage. Sound familiar? Yes. That’s because it was already covered in the beginning of the show and he didn’t know. Interns, am I right? So as not to disappoint, he also wrote a few rap lyrics about the show and spit that shit on the mic. His illustrious rap career spans longer than he has been shaving his uni-brow, he says he actually recorded a rap album with one of his buddies in the past. Motherfucker is so gangster, nah I’m sayin? His rap may not make that pussy pop, but it might make that pudding pop! UHHH! X-Games talk time with best whip. This is the first time a female is participating in best whip at the X-Games, which means someone’s probably gonna die and that would make it the highest rated part of X-Games in history. This brought in the next “special” guest, Blasko, who as well as Ellis, is wearing his Wolfknives shirt – they’re super special buddies. Blasko told us of the time he was in the band Cryptic Slaughter, the famous bus crash that killed Cliff Burton brought a chance for a 16-year-old Blasko to potentially be the bassist for Metallica. Blasko had recently cut his hair, which caused him to be immediately turned away and then you Jason Newsted showed up. Oh man, the pain. You know that one stung. He also told the story of the time he and a pal were 18 and went to spend their hard earned money on some handguns. They get there and find out, nope, no handguns for them since they’re not 21. So they did the next best thing, went and got tattoos. Betsy is sleeved up and looking like she’s part of the Yakuza. Actually, I lied. She doesn’t have any tattoos but part of her winning the auction was to have her name tattooed on Ellis’ ass, but she seems to feel bad for Cumtard’s balls and is letting Ellis off the hook. Actually, she seems like a pretty cool chick overall, so she’s probably just being nice and is happy to be there. Good on ya’ Betsy!
Apparently there is some gay MMA porn out there where dudes are making out with other dudes’ knee. I don’t know how that gets anyone off, but I’m just glad to see the sport evolving? I guess? To be honest, this shouldn’t really be a surprise to anyone. Rule 34 states that pornography or sexually related material exists for any conceivable subject. A man in Phoenix was dropping his kids off at home and left his car running. A woman jumped in to try and steal his car but was stumped on how to put the car in gear. It was an automatic transmission. Women, am I right? And since Blasko is there, and “Get the cock off your chest” is a segment always done when Blasko visits, this led to
Rawdog Matt having to get a cock off his chest. When Joanna Angel was coming to the show, Josh was trying to move her car for her, but he couldn’t find the emergency brake. A cop stopped and told him he couldn’t keep the car parked in the middle of the street, he told the cop he couldn’t find the parking and asked for help. The officer quickly found it and Josh was on his way. How he kept that a secret for so long is a mystery. Matt called in to say a bunch of high school friends had a party and didn’t invite him so he called the cops on them. Turns out nobody got busted because the cops used the same breathalyzer straw and couldn’t write out any under the influence tickets. Robert Matt called in to say while his buddy was out of town working, his buddies girlfriend needs help with a clogged sink. Of course his boner led him there, they get drunk and fuck and he stays the night. The boyfriend shows up in the night, he runs out the back door and ran home like nothing had happened. Later that day, his buddy calls him up and wants to go to have a few beers and vent about how he caught his girlfriend cheating. He spent 3 hours listening to his friend talk about some guy (him) fucking his girlfriend and he did his best to console him without admitting to being the guy who fucked his girlfriend. Kevin Matt called in to say him and his buddy had went out to get some drinks, his buddy picked up a chick at the bar but he cockblocked his own buddy and banged the girl from the bar Matt called in to say he went to a chicks house, had tummy aches and rushed to the bathroom and didn’t quite make it and shit all over the lid. He had to clean it all up and 15 years later, they’re married. Mary called in to say that after a night of drinking, her and her friends were ready to go to bed, her friends started going at it in the bunk bed below her so she starts diddling herself while they’re banging. She didn’t finish and the couple kept going while she went to sleep. Matt called in to say he was smoking some weed with a buddy while they were young teens, his buddy asked if he could suck his dick. The whole time his buddy was blowing him, he was watching porn but didn’t finish in his mouth. He went to the bathroom and finished himself off and to this day, he feel weird about it. Huh. You don’t say? Feeling like you’re coming down with the queeries? OH! Derek Matt called in to say that after the war in Iraq, he’s married and he went to Australia and he and his buddies slept with a bunch of hookers. Danny Matt called in to say that back in college he played baseball with some douche who had a thing for his girlfriend. He ran into the douche’s girlfriend and his sister at a party and talked them into having a threesome and has never said anything about it. I might have missed the last one or two while I was packing up and leaving work, but it’s all good. Maybe you can catch it tomorrow morning on the “In Case You Missed It” or at some point maybe on 713 The Jason Ellis Channel!
Next “special” guests to come in was Ken Block and Kit Cope. Talk started off with rally-x, gymkhana, and all that good stuff. We heard about some German driver that hit Ken’s car like 4 times in a single race and got a stern talking to. Then we heard about the last time Ellis was trying to qualify in X-Games along with Ken Block and Kit was the manager of EllisMate skateboards. We heard about the first time Ellis sparred with Kit Cope and how everyone told Ellis it was the stupidest thing they’ve ever seen because Kit thinks it’s funny to knock people out. Evidence is starting to build up that Kit is teaching his friends’ kids to say the word “fuck” and then he turns around and tattles on the kids for saying it. Ken and Kit both hit the punch pad, Ellis still remains on top of the heap. We got clarification from Kit that Thailand residents aren’t stabbing anyone, it’s the Cambodians that come to Thailand that are stabbing people. Betsy also came bearing gifts for the guys, like chocolates and shit from Chi-town. And this lead us into final calls, which weren’t all that bad since a lot of the callers were calling to ask Ken questions. And with that, I leave you with this: A man saunters up to the bar and orders 3 shots. As the bartender is pouring them he asks, “What’s the occasion?” The man replies, “My first blowjob.” The bartender, grinning, says, “Well shit, have a 4th one on me!” The man looks up to the bartender and says, “No thanks, if 3 shots won’t get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will.” OH!
Okay, okay, I’m back, it’s great to be back and I couldn’t think of a better way to come back than on Canada Day – especially after infiltrating the land of the mole people the week before. Hold the applause, please. What was my mission, you ask? Well, this was an operation with several missions, some of which I can tell you after being debriefed, and some of which I cannot tell you – unless you have the proper security clearance. First, I located and GPS tagged as many entrances to underground mole tunnels as possible. Then I found a crude cell built to hold one Mike Tully. Soon after, I found evidence that the Richmond family may have been involved in treason. And finally, I was to find a cure for moliosis – a disease that causes some Canadians to lose their sense of humor, especially in cases where jokes mention Canada. Oh yea, and the show is back too, after an impromptu cancellation of last Friday’s show. I have no idea what that was about, some say it was punishment, some say it was sickness, and yet others say it was Dom’s fault. Speaking of which, he seems to be missing from today’s show. Did he get 86’ed while I was away? I didn’t hear anything about it when listening to OnDemand.
Did you know woolly mammoths are Jews? They have curly hair coming off the sides of their ears, like Jewish people. “Bleeding” Burger Ellis is in studio today, farting and bleeding all over the place and in a diaper. Rawdog hasn’t told his mom that he’s dating a porn star. Actually, he hasn’t told any of his family, but it’s mommy that’s the big one that might have an issue with it. The other girl he was sliding his dick into, right to the top? Yea, he dumped her non shroom sharing ass to the curb. But only after he pummeled that pussy like trout meat one more time. Here’s something. Tiger got to meet Shaq! And here’s something else. Tully was an honorary Girl Scout for 10 years, sitting in on brownie meetings and shit, poor bastard. Sounds like Shannon Shenanigans Gunz will be doing the workout with/against Rawdog on Wednesday! Which makes me wonder if she’ll accidentally queef while doing burpies. Jesus, what is wrong with me. Hand jobs aren’t sexual intercourse according to someone from some where. Sounds legit. Also, hand jobs make the world go ’round, along with loads to the face.
Chris Weidman called into the show today. A lot of people seem to think that he has the tools to beat Anderson Silva and end Silva’s reign as the middleweight champion. He (and other’s) say he’s better than Chael Sonnen and that he will make Silvia look human in a stand-up battle. He seems super laid back and it doesn’t seem like he’ll be mentally broken before the fight. Guess we’ll all find out this weekend when he fights Silva and UFC 162. If you don’t remember, Weidman was on the show before while they were in New York and had his house destroyed by hurricane Sandy. This led us into Rawdog’s workout. Rawdog says that Ellis picking on his shoes fucks up his workouts. So instead, Ellis will sing a song about how awesome Rawdog is while he’s doing his workout. It seemed to help get him focused and motivated, but it didn’t stop the after workout vomit session that he always has.
The X-Summer X-Games were in Munich, X-Germany over the weekend and blah, blah, blah X-who gives an X-shit. A woman from Arizona was arrested for smuggling drugs from Mexico in her vag. She had a long, thick, chunk of meth in a condom that was so big, it had to be surgically removed. Something about Robin Thicke and dirty words, don’t care. Alec Baldwin got mad at some assfuck who tried to disrespect at his wife and then apologized for it because he tweeted some shit about the gay guy being a queen or something. Pendarvis realized that in the past few weeks, he’s called a straight man a queen – and I think he meant it maliciously and should publicly apologize. Wait. No. I don’t think he should apologize for that actually. J-Lo sang a few songs and some dude died. I don’t know, that’s as much Hollywood news as I’m willing to hear. More importantly, I really want one of those old school pudding pops. Chocolate banana to be precise. Bring that shit back Cosby! And with that, I leave you with this… A priest, pedophile, and a rapist walk into a bar. He orders a drink. OH!
Hello, my name is bitPimps and I’ll be your captain today. We’ll be cruising at an altitude of fuck your mother, our travel time is whenever we fucking get there, so sit back, relax, and whip your tits out. Sounds like Tully’s wife is a champion swearer. She likes dropping the F bomb around the house like some oil rig worker… on an oil rig and stuff. Burger Ellis has a shitting problem, like a bad one. He shit on his own ass, leg, and it got on Big Daddy Jayce Cakes’ fresh out of the package shirt! Dom got a bit of a ass chewing today for being 2 weeks late with some props for the punishment envelopes and for having excuses worse than what a 6 year-old could make up. He said it was because he’s working on getting a budget for the mostly free things on his list, and waiting on Sirius for a whopping $150 bucks. I’ll have to admit, emailing corporate for $150 looks pretty fucking dumb, but what the hell do I know. If you had to get a skin graft on your nose, where would you want the skin harvested from your body to re-create your nose? Rawdog chooses ass, Ellis chooses the inside of his leg, and I’m choosing the bottom of my foot because that sounds gnarly.
Will came in with a jolly “hi” and to play some “you sir, are a moron” and have a few yuks. What is the minimum amount of showers a person can take in a week and it be acceptable? Maybe not so surprisingly, Rawdog thinks you can get away with a shower every other day, and he’s got the ball stink to prove it. What about spray tans? Everyone seems to be in agreement that the sun is better, men should never do it, and women can get away with a touch-up here and there. But that shit better be in small amounts and good enough that people don’t know it’s spray-on tan. Of the seven deadly sins, which is the worst? Who the fuck knows, none of them agreed. What is the best way to get out of a speeding ticket? Be apologetic and polite. If you had to get rid of a dead body, who on the show staff would you call? Everybody chose Ellis, without hesitation. And who is the last person associated with the show that you’d call to help get rid of a dead body? Once again, without hesitation, everyone agreed Rawdog – you’re better off just calling the police. Do you ever feel bad about killing an insect? Rawdog says no. Ellis has before. And Tully doesn’t just doesn’t give a shit. What is the most uncool musical instrument? Easy, a harp, and of course Rawdog had an “awesome” song ready to listen to. What’s the sexiest piece of clothing a woman can wear? Boy shorts & my dick. What country has the worst food? Rawdog doesn’t like Mexican food, Ellis doesn’t like fast food. But let’s just any place that serves raw squid and shit like that. What is the world’s most annoying sound? Ellis says Dom, just him existing. Rawdog says nails on a chalkboard. Tully says the sound of people eating. What is the most annoying accent? German, Canadian, and that super twangy Asian accent. Who is the creepiest celebrity in history? Charlie Sheen took the prize, with R. Kelly and Hugh Hefner as close runner’s up.
In odd things to fuck news, some dude in Sweden was found dead because he tried fucking a hornets nest. Some dude from South Dakota was arrested for masturbating in someone’s backyard, and they found tapes of him fucking traffic signs. Some dude in England was arrested after people saw him having sex with a post lamp. And to top it all off, some dude in Hong Kong was fucking a hole in a metal park bench, he got his dick stuck and had to be rescued. They tried to use needles to drain the blood from his still erect dick, it didn’t work so they had to cut away parts of the bench to get this crazy bench fucker to the hospital. Hollywood news time, Tupac hologram has been shot! Nah, just kidding. That was a Tully joke. This years Rock The bells festival will feature Ol’ Dirty Bastard and Eazy-E holograms, word on the streets is there will be a cease fire between the holograms. Andy Dick and Jennifer Gimenez have been dating for a couple months and she swears he is not gay, even though he admitted on the show that he was dating guys exclusively previous to his current relationship. A Taylor Swift fan was arrested after swimming up to her Rhode Island beach house, actually about a mile away from her house, but whatever – he got arrested. Kim Kardashian bought Kayne and $750k Lamborghini, and then the electric gate at her house closed on the car before it could be delivered. Neener-neener-neener! Jaden Smith doesn’t want an emancipation from his parents, he’ll live there until he’s old enough to buy his own house, which I’m guessing he’s waiting to turn 16 for. Angelina Jolie said she will now have her ovaries removed as a precautionary measure, making her one step closer to a Terminator. Rod Stewart said steroids made his pee-pee shrink, no word on what’s up with his face though. Metallica, taking a page out of Katy Perry’s playbook, has a 3D movie coming out called “Through the Never.” It’s part concert film, part movie, and all out fucking
metal stupid. Dr. Dre and Jimmy Iovine donated $70M for a new USC academy, leaving one to wonder if the Dr. Dre wing of the dorms will be like Compton.
Hey, are you fat? Good news, just eat insects and you’ll be A-Okay! Ladies and gentleman, we have started our decent, please get on your knees, open your mouth, and stare up at me with a look of longing. Anal Gay-Lewis, who is a sultry 21 years-old, got given a test of how much 90’s knowledge he had. Turns out, more than anyone thought! Although he didn’t know what group/s Eazy-E was in, or what Milli Vanilli is most famous for, he did know who Lisa “Left Eye” Lopez was and most of the other questions. With this knowledge, it landed him the producer spot and quickly began to bark orders for Dom to go get him an iced coffee and pizza. And just as quickly as he became producer, he was then fired and set back to intern status after not listening, at all really, to Ellis. This pretty much led us into final calls and few other tiny morsels, but nothing all that noteworthy. But, before you de-board the plane, make sure you pick up all your fucking shit and shit, because my drunk ass will be banging the shit out of the hot stewardess that’s been flirting with all flight and I don’t want any interruptions! So now, I’ll leave you with this little bit of knowledge. How do you know when a girl is too young? When you have to make the airplane noise to get your cock in her mouth. OH!