Show Recap for Thursday 8/28/2014

When all else fails and everything is kind of turning in to shit…get yourself some wolves. Dig deep, find your inner howl, and release a pack of wolves because apparently, those fucks are roving packs of Mr. Fix Its. Ellis opened up the show with some howling wolf audio and some guy who sounded a lot like Malcom McDowell telling all us wonderful and dedicated listeners about how at one point in the 90’s Yellowstone National Park was kind of turning to shit and to fix it, they released a pack of wolves and after a few years, the wolves had that place running in tip top shape. Boom. That was a severe over simplification of what was actually said, but it boils down to wolves are awesome, which we all already knew. The ever wonderful unofficial Oracle of The Jason Ellis Show, our Twitter Feeds, and NYA- Bitpimps, was to thank for sending that tidbit to the show, and it’s a pretty neat video that you should go watch because I took the time to type ‘wolves at Yellowstone’ into google and put the link up for you guys. Guess what?!?! Tully is back!! He isn’t 100% yet, but he’s back and sounds mostly like himself with the occasional cough and Ellis officially has been diagnosed with Giardia, which is a disease that you can catch from your houselhold pets and makes your tummy all sad and crampy and your poopie all…diarrhea-y and stuff. Ugh. But, at least now Ellis knows what he has and he can take antibiotics and get all better and..oh…he can’t take antibiotics yet because he couldn’t get them before he started the show, but man he can not wait to start taking those antibiotics because Dr. Drew (who has had Giardia twice allegedly) told him that as soon as the meds are in his system he will immediately start feeling better. Tully missed a lot while he was home sick, and he knows some of what he missed and isn’t clear on some other things. One of the first things that Tully asks about is if Ellis had something stuck up his ass, to which Ellis tells him that no he just had to do a poopy in the doctors office and scoop it into vials (which Tully knew because he saw the instagram photo) but all Katie had done at the doctor was a Q-Tip in her bum. But what Tully was referring to was Wednesday’s show where Joanna Angel shocked Ellis’s hole and put an Ice Stick up in and around there (allegedly). They spend some time talking about how Ellis could possibly transmit the Giardia to other people and wonders if he put Tully, the Guys of the Green Room, and tons of other (much more innocent) bystanders at risk for the disease just by shaking hands. Will pops his head in (metaphorically) to say that of course he already googled that shit and he’s pretty sure that they are in the clear, and Tully adds in the tidbit that Giardia is transmitted by fecal/oral contamination so they should be in the clear so long as Ellis washes his hands and no one eats shit. Which is a sentence I should have written after I heated up my Quesadilla because now I’m all ‘ew’.

In other news, Suge Knight was shot 6 times last week and didn’t die, and also didn’t tell the cops who it was that shot him. Tully and Ellis think that he didn’t rat out who shot him because now, MotherFucking Suge Knight is gonna come for you so you better start running now or hope that the cops find you first. Ellis and Tully also devise a plan where Suge Knight could successfully assasinate P. Diddy (because of course it’s Diddy who is behind all of it) by finding some random guy, throwing a blonde wig, a Monster hat, some sunnies, and a Grenade hoodie on him because, boom, Dingo, and no one ever suspects The Dingo. Plus, although he is a rather attention attraction fellow, he is relatively nondescript at the same time, and it would be totally possible to dress anybody up into a Dingo Doppelganger and make him an assassin. I also decided that I am going to dress up as The Dingo for Halloween and enlisted Hubbs to be my bestie Kelly Osbourne. Hubbs hasn’t agreed to it yet, and I’m sure it will be hard to find heels for his gigantic feet…but oh my god, that visual is totally worth it. Hubbs told me that’s why he never got dressed up for Halloween and I told him ‘booooooooooooo’.

On to the subject of kids, The Ellis kids were having a giant fight before Ellis came into the show today and it got so bad that he had to bring up the whole, ‘any of us could die at any time and how would you like for the last thing you said to be nonsense’ thing which Ellis said made Tiggie pretty bummed out but Devin was trying to be all stiff upper lip about it and Ellis really had to drive the point home. Devin also talked to Ellis about how Mummy is on her cell phone too much and it bummed her out, so Ellis had to make the call to Mummy and instead of there being a fight about it, Mummy was all “Okay, I’m going to have to check that” and Ellis said that he would check his cell phone use also because it’s always so easy to fall into the cell phone trap these days. Tully agrees whole heartedly with this because he knows he and Wifey fall in to the trap because there’s only so many times you can introduce toys to each other over and over ad nauseum for 6 months without wanting to distract yourself with whatever may be in your inbox or on social media. Tully goes on to say that Cell Phones are the Cancer Sticks of yesteryear and he doesn’t want to pass the habit on to Little Dude because he feels like it’s shameful.

So, Vaginas!!! I mean, everyone has one, right? Oh no? Just me? Oh…not just me? Just the girls. That’s right. The females have the vaginas. Tully brings us back from the break with a segment on vaginas, because, well, some listeners have them and some listeners want to play with them, so why not know some more about them? Tully found some articles online about vaginal maintenance that keeps your vag in tip top shape and makes it smell like roses and taste like ambrosia, or some sort of nonsense. The recipe for sweet smelling and super nom tasting vagina include washing the vag twice a day, airing out the cookie and wearing cotton panties, not spraying perfume on your box, waxing the beave (because sweat clings to pubic hair), using baby wipes after using the bathroom, having a vegetarian diet, not consuming beer/coffee/spicy food/alcohol/asparagus/raw onion/garlic, not having yeast infections (yeah, because we try and have those), and dipping a tampon in yogurt and shoving it up your hole. Now…this turned out to be a lot more controversial than i think Tully or Ellis anticipated because there were tons of phone calls from girls about what was wrong and what was right and there was a girl who was all about spraying perfume on her box, and a girl who talked like everything was a question that I wanted to throttle because I hate that…and if there is one thing I know..it’s don’t stick yogurt up your twat. That’s ridiculous. Eat yogurt. It is good for your vag…but when you eat it. The next part of the vag segment involved disgusting vagina stories because someone from TheFrisky.com decided that if guys get to throw around words like ‘dick cheese’ then ladies should be able to talk about ‘period boogers’…and you know what? Fuck that. I’m a female..I know what goes on down there..I would much rather hear about dick cheese (even though I don’t think I’ve heard that description since I was about 16) than anything gross regarding what goes on with vaginas. Vaginas are fucking terrifying when they want to be. Case closed. And the nasty bitch who wrote the article about maxi pad diapers, double stuffing tampons, and tampons getting lost in the abyss…shame on you, bitch, because that did no good for anyone. I don’t talk about that with anyone. Me and my closest girlfriends…the closest we get to talk about any grossness regarding menstrual cycles is exclusive to the following phrase, “Oh my god, it was like a massacre/crime scene”. That’s it. My closest fucking female friend. There is no detail, there is no harping on…periods are gross. I tell Hubbs when it hurts, when it makes me feel sick, he rubs my tummy, and four days later…life moves on. A caller named CeeCee…who was a doctor, related a tale about removing a fist sized tampon from some poor girl’s vag after it had been up there for a month and the smell was so bad they had to close down a part of the ER. And really…Will was retching in the green room the entire segment, Ellis kept pushing vomit-noise buttons and the whole thing was foul. And I wound up listening to this part twice and both times I was all, “Why, just…why?” To which Hubbs responded, “Hey, if it makes you feel any better, you may have a Vagina, but I’m the one who licks it.”

Justin Bua MMA enthusiast and artist extraordinaire is back in the studio to critique some more TJES artwork but before he does that…they play some catch up and talk MMA, Ronda Rousey, Jason Momoa, and Bua also shares some artwork from his own personal sketchbook which none of us get to see because we are not as cool as Ellis and Tully. Apparently he draws vaginas and naked women and things of that nature in his personal sketchbook, because he really and truly appreciates the female form in all shapes and sizes because it’s a beautiful thing. Bua’s artwork is going to be on display in the new season of The Ultimate Fighter’s Fighter House, and also says that this season is the first all female UF season and that should be cook, cause chicks beating each other up is really pretty awesome. Tully brings up Justin Bua’s new reality show that is going to be on the Oxygen Network and involves street art, and I think most of the reason he brings it up at all is because Tully doesn’t like a lot of street art because it’s nonsense. Bua says that there is a lot of street art out there that is bad art, because not everyone is a good artist, and street art is very reflective of what’s going on in society and our society is kind of in a stage of being a big pile of shit. Bua also tells everyone that he is going to be one of the people in charge of picking out the art for USPS stamps for the foreseeable future, which is pretty badass and something I never really thought of before. I mean…people collect stamps, but there aren’t a lot of letters getting sent anymore…so…are they gonna keep producing stamps just for people to go on collecting? Seems kind of weird. For the art critique, everyone drew pictures of wolves and Bua gave them all their props, as he did the last time he was on the show. He is a very open minded guy, and if you follow the link that I posted earlier in this paragraph, you’ll see why I said that. The one that undoubtedly caused the most stir was Will’s drawing of a wolf with melting feet on top of a cross, which had some sort of biblical quote around the top of it and then a bunch of characters from random foreign languages around the bottom part of it. Ellis accused Will of tracing, which Will vehemently denied, and Will eventually conceded that he just picked out the characters because he liked how it looked and he needed something to round the picture out. An answer which Justin Bua basically fed to him.

For the last part of the show they played another video which had been sent to them by Bitpimps involving a gay 20 year old male getting into a fight with his family members when his mother throws him out of the house for being gay. It was really sad. I hate that. Ellis hated it and Tully wasn’t really a fan of it either. Ellis still finds it really hard to believe that there are people who would turn their back on their children for being gay in the name of religion, and a modicum of hope was restored in humanity when a caller told the show that she was Christian and that anyone who used their religion as an excuse for why they don’t like gay people are just insane because Christians are supposed to love and forgive and leave it for God to judge us all. Then, for a second, they were going to do some Wolfknives names, but then Ellis wasn’t really feeling it. Ellis started fading out because his tumtum hurt and Tully was fading as well since he’s still kind of sick and they moved on to doing some Teen Advice. It wasn’t the best Teen Advice segment that I’ve ever heard and it boils down to- don’t have sex until you are ready, if your parents make you wear adult diapers for one bed wetting incident that they blame on masturbation you should run away, moms can be really creepy, and if you have no friends, interests, hobbies, or talents, you should probably work for The Jason Ellis Show. Final calls had their ups and downs, lots of sex advice wound up getting thrown around and asked for, you should never force your wife to have sex with you but if it’s been a year and a half you need to find a better therapist, and if your girlfriend doesn’t like sucking your dick, she just might not like sucking your dick, which is a shame because Blow Jobs are awesome.

That’s all I have folks…sorry for the lateness, sorry for the shortness (usually I try to be much more detailed) but there’s some shit going on. Hopefully all will be well next week!! Love you! xoxox

Show Recap for Thursday 6/26/2014

Welcome to the best Thursday Recap on the Best Jason Ellis Show Recap Site that has ever existed!!!!! Woooooo!!!

Getting right into it, that sound that you hear at the end of the intro is a baby wold making sounds and it doesn’t sound too happy, but in the video he looks really happy when he’s making all those yelpy sounding sounds…so don’t worry about it too hard guys, it’s just sounds of a happy baby wolf puppy. Ellis gets right into talking about what would happen if he started capturing people and chopping off their arms and feet, and tying their feet together. Would they turn into snake people and start slithering on their bellies and then Ellis would go down in history as the Man who changed mankind by making snake people? Tully thinks probably not because if he did actually manage to keep it going long enough where people started evolving and adapting and having snake people babies, it would take like a million years, and for the world’s population to turn over into snake people (or aqua babies, which Ellis also brings up) it would probably be about 50 million years. And also, 50 million years down the line, if people did remember that the late, great Big Daddy J was the one who started the ball on snake people rolling, the person that would be praised or hated or whatever would not actually bear any resemblance to Jason Ellis and would be a much bastardized version of the person that we would all love to be best friends with. This conversation devolved, or evolved, or tangentially went on to include talk of what would happen if Ellis went the other way around and started attaching legs to snakes to make walking snakes (or, you know, lizards) and Ellis called bullshit on Tully calling them lizards because they would not be lizards, they would be different, duh, and there aren’t any lizards around who are better walking around on two feet than they are walking around on all four and his snakes with legs would walk like men. Dammit. Twitter answered the unasked call and started tweeting pictures and video links to the Jesus Lizard, aka the Basilisk lizard (yes, Basilisk, like Harry Potter, why do you think I knew the name of the Jesus Lizard in the first place without having to google it?) which is a lizard that can run across the top of water…which is kind of more badass than Jesus being able to walk on water. Just saying. They watched the video and talked about the Jesus Christ lizard for a while and that turned into them talking about pound for pound strength and if Chris Weidman would beat a Basilisk in an MMA fight. They came to the conclusion that the Basilisk would win on points, because those little fucks are really fast and Weidman wouldn’t be able to catch it to knock it out.

Speaking of animals and pound for pound and yesterday’s Eagles (if they were larger and able to kill humans, would humans kill them first?) Tully brings up a story of a woman who got shit-whipped by a goose. Like, landed in the hospital for 5 days kind of shit whipped. I think she just fell off her bike and that’s where most of the damage came from and she didn’t want to admit it. I mean, geese are nasty fucks, and I have personally been terrified of them up close because they WILL try and eat your fingers, but I don’t but that it broke her face. The ground broke her face. Ellis calls bullshit on the story for a while saying that he would totally take out a goose (he actually calls them ducks the whole time, ducks are quackie, geese are whacky) before it made a move on him, but Tully calls bullshit on his bullshit because Ellis goes through life considering every situation that could possibly lead to violence and is always ready for it and knows how to properly defend himself, and not everyone walks around life equipped in that way. Ellis admits that yeah, he’d probably be thrown for a few seconds if a goose actually attacked him, but he’s still pretty sure he could take that motherfucker out. Yako on Twitter made a comment about how every 3 year old Canadian is warned by their 3rd birthday about the ferocity of geese and both Tully and Ellis can see that because, as Tully says, “They weeble, they wobble, and yes, they do, in fact, fall down.” And they have a particularly hard time getting back up. I mean, they’re only 3 years into that body and only 2 years into walking around really, so when they go down, they go through some emotions before they even start to think about getting back up.

Don’t forget, California Ellisfam, the show is going to be live tomorrow from Racer’s Edge Go Karting in Burbank California, and the password to get in (because it’s an Ellisfam exclusive event at this point) is Yer Mum’s House. That’s right, you heard it here if you didn’t hear it there, the password is Yer Mum’s House. How appropriate. Ha…I just looked at the website and it even lists that it’s closed tomorrow from 12 to 4 for a private event. Boom. There’ll be tons of people there aside from the ones you hear from on the show on a daily basis and I wished I lived in California so that I could be there too, because I’m gonna be here, in New York, in my shitty life (shut up, I’m stressed to hell right now) not hanging out with TJES and racing go karts. Maybe I’ll pretend the truck is a go kart. We’ll see how that goes. There will be food, and drinks, and famous people, a radio show and a Dingo there. Why would you not go? Oh, but don’t bring your kids. Unless your kid is 16 or older. There will be cursing, Mike Catherwood’s wife has said her vagina may make an appearance, there could be nipples on Kenda Turn, and then, well, you know the show. Don’t make the guys feel weird about doing their show because you decided to bring your 8 year old. Be responsible so that no one else has to.

At this point they go through the button bar and Ellis says he’ll take phone calls about anything and people start calling about the geese and shit and they push a bunch of buttons and Ellis wants to prank call Katie but she doesn’t answer the phone. Hot Dog says that Ellis can prank call his mom, because his mom is around in town and wanted to come for a visit but she got told no. Tully or Ellis make a joke about how they meet the mom’s of all of the interns and Hot Dog goes, “Well, you already met my mom,” and proceeds to tell Ellis, and the rest of us, that he and his mom were at the Harley Davidson book signing event and met him and Hot Dog, back when he was just Nate, told Ellis that he wanted to intern for him and that he has his own college radio show that is on the AM airwaves and Ellis gave Nate numbers to call and people to bug about being an intern and voila!!! Hot Dog is an intern. And a reverend.

Back from the first break Tully comes at us with a news story where a man is suing a stripper to give him back his $2000 because no one ever told this guy that there is no such thing as a refund when you are dealing with strippers. Poor guy. What seems to be more of a story to Ellis and Tully is the reporting correspondent who is telling us about all of this because that guy looks like he does drugs and could have committed a murder or two. Allegedly. Randy Wallace is the name of the reporter and Tully and Ellis spend a good bit of time riffing on him, his various alleged habits, and finding him on twitter where he is quoted as saying, “I believe Cheesecake, Xanax, and Duct Tape fixes everything.” Yeah, it’s not a hard sell that that guy is tripping balls on all sorts of things all of the time.

Time for some Wolfknives names!!! But first, let’s talk about how Will may or may not be banging that girl Ericka, and okay, if he’s not, then is it cool if Tully and Ellis bang her out instead. Will does his flustered, angry, “We’re friends” thing and eventually Ellis deduces that Will friendzoned himself. But, other than that, welcome to the Wolfknives Death Vender, Body Glover, Huge Muffler, Storm Rapist, Cougar Shaft, Puppy Hitler, Poor Man’s Gary Coleman, Ball Sex, Hot Dog Enthusiast, Eagle Precum, Torellini, Elvis HorseDick, Cock Global, The Great Gaper, and Hot Dog (yes, the intern). Has anyone found Hot Dog’s instagram yet? I mean…he’s a self admitted virgin…he has to have one, right? I suck at finding shit like that, so if anyone knows what it is, hit me up on IG or twitter, I’m jennimazky ;)

Time for some long awaited teen advice, peppered with some other stuff, because this was the show of tangents. Seriously. So many tangents. To the first girl who has a crush on her male BFF who currently has a girlfriend and doesn’t want to be that girl, but kind of does want to be that girl, and to the second teen girl who’s wondering if she should do something to make her ex jealous…the answer is JUST DO IT! But also, honesty is a noble virtue to have, but keep shit like this on the down low as you get older, because, well, that just how bitches roll once they get grown. Stop being so honest. The third question is a girl asking if she will develop serious feelings for someone if she sleeps with them, and both Tully and Ellis seem to agree that yeah, probably. They seem to think that if this girl is thinking about sleeping with someone to begin with that she probably already has some sort of feelings for that person and that also, casual sex tends to come with age for women. I’m a woman, and I honestly don’t know. I mean, some people are wired for casual sex, some aren’t, and some people are really good at lying to themselves. I would advise, however, that if you are a teenager, don’t get into the casual sex game. You’re young and stupid and will probably get pregnant. To the girl asking if her friend is a lesbian, Ellis says that you should fingerbang your friend to find out. Then you’ll know. To the teen girl with a smelly dischargey vagina, please go to the doctor. Tully thinks there is no such thing as being a really religious person and a really fun person at least until the age of 30, so young teenager asking, if you’re really religious, people are probably going to be annoyed by you for like another decade and a half unless they too are really religious, sorry about that. And finally, yes, anonymous teen, ugly is a real thing. Ellis says that he’s gotten uglier as he’s gotten older and Tully informs us that there is nothing wrong with being born ugly because being ugly in the right subculture is kind of a thing that’s just embraced, and being ugly is nowhere near as bad as being fat. Ugly isn’t your fault, for the most part, being fat is. It’s halftime!!! Do your pushups, feel whatever round things exist on your body and check them for cancer, and take some time and go to this website run by recent guest of the show, Jack Osbourne about MS. I just went, and wow, Jack is looking good!

Christian is in the studio to do stripped vocals but first, they are going to talk about a lot of nothing for like, an hour. Sorry, guys, I tried really hard to pay attention and be a good sport and recapper and do my duty for all of you out there, but I basically was not feeling the entire show today. I don’t know what it was. There was a lot of dead. It was humid and gross out and I’m kind of cranky on top of it, so I kind of lost the thread around here a couple of times, but they did talk about Anahita who was on TJES last week and is on the Dr. Drew show on TV with Ellis a lot, and how she is going to be karting with them tomorrow and look forward to her boobies when they come around Kenda Turn. It seems like Kenda won’t be back to go around Kenda Turn, but she’s a busy lady, so she’s forgiven. Tully informs us that the Texting and Driving race got axed for various reasons that don’t make the most sense, but there are still going to be other cool races, like the Main Event, and the Vagisil 5000, and a relay race, as well as all of the racing that Ellisfam can do while the guys are you know, on air, doing the show. Tully has a list of famous figures in history who are alleged to have sexually transmitted diseases and the ones that got mentioned were: Al Capone who was suspected of dying from Syphilis while in prison for tax fraud, Hitler was also thought to have suffered from Syphilis due to his tendency to rant and rave and murder people for no good reason, Honest Abe Lincoln is also thought to be a Syphilis sufferer (though he didn’t murder tons of people because of it) and JFK apparently had the Clap. This turned into a discussion of if they guys got a sexually transmitted disease from Cher, would they tell anyone that it was from Cher, and yes, Tully and Christian would tell their doctors until their doctor believed them, but Ellis wasn’t too down to tell anyone about it. Then Ned Beaty who was a guy who got raped in Deliverance got brought up and they talked about him for a while, about random things that I managed to really not pay attention to, and thennnnnnn the got around to doing stripped vocals and songs and things. At this point I was driving and completely unable of taking notes, but I know that they covered Marvin Gaye, Amy Winehouse, Avenged Sevenfold, Soundgarden, Slayer, Nirvana, and Freddie Mercury and David Bowie, and they all blew Ellis’ mind.

Back from the break they were talking about plans for Fourth of July and Ellis doesn’t know what he’s doing but he doesn’t have the kids that night, and Christian doesn’t know what he and his girlfriend are doing so maybe they should figured out what to do for the holiday together with their girlfriends. There was also some talk about Polar Bears and how they are vicious and Katie doesn’t like them, but Ellis does, and it was because some guy’s 24 Million Dollar Yacht that was all on fire and destroyed was called the Polar Bear. Ellis mentioned that the guy who hit him the other week in his Porsche still hasn’t sent photos of his car to the insurance company, but Ellis has sent his in, and if the other guy doesn’t send pics in then it really really makes it look like it was definitely the other guy’s fault, but Ellis is still expecting something crazy to happen that will screw him over, but you know what, whatever. If he has to pay for the car to be fixed then he’ll pay for the car to be fixed, because he’s the one who bought a Porsche in the first place. Boom.

I’m outtie HomeSlizzles, I’ll see you when the show gets back from being on vacation next week!

Things we learned on TJES today:

Tully calls bullshit on evolution. Always.

Tully played basketball this morning

Ellis is going to be really serious and in the zone while go karting tomorrow, but no one can fault him for that cause people get serious about video games

If a goose approaches you, do the right thing, and take it out before it takes you out

There will be giveaways at Racers Edge tomorrow for the fans

Spongebob “Red Dragons” is done by the real voice of Spongebob

Will thinks Ellis and Tully are trying to tarnish Ericka’s honor

Tully is okay with his wife banging Brad Pitt but he wouldn’t want to watch the video

Tully is a rational motherfucker. For realsies.

Ugly people get the opportunity to connect with other people on a deeper level

Dingo is Kevin Bacon in a Monster hat

Ellis would go full romance with Cher