Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 7/29/14

So, Sunday night I went out to a show and got a burrito before it started and for the last three days I’ve been feeling like it’s gonna pass through me like a log flume the second I try to let out a fart. It’s almost getting painful. Like Jesus having explosive diarrhea on Adolf Hitler’s face painful. But that’s not important right now, cause I’m about to go get some Indian food and hunker down at my desk to write this Jason Ellis show recap for you! Today got rolling with Jason talking about being smooth and well lubricated,cause apparently machinery has a lot of similarities to gay erotica. The real point of the whole rant was that you’ve gotta stay moisturized so the man can’t get his mitts on you and fuck up your shit, or it’s better to stay lubed cause if someone’s gonna be fucking someone where they shit, one of the worst possible outcomes is anal tearing. Jude was in studio to cosign that, and ask what the hell Ellis is talking about with his new homemade coffee/coconut body wash. Apparently Katie’s friend makes it just for herself but decided to pass a bottle along to Ellis and company and he’s fallen in love with it like Michelle Bachmann’s husband loves cock. Jude talked about once when he got a Brazilian and the butthole was the least painful part of it, but the pain around the scrotum was worth it, cause the ladies love sucking a fresh clean dick. The guys talked a while about injuries and paramedics, and I guess in Australia, when you get picked up by an ambulance, they give you a heroin inhaler so you’ll stop being such a sick cunt and be a little more pliable. Sometime over the weekend which I must have missed, Ellis decided to give his phone number out to a bunch of fans and then laid drunk in a hammock taking phone calls from random folks just for the entertainment value of it. Tully lost a foot race to Tiger Ellis over the weekend, and totally by accident because Tully just went to take the baby for a walk so he wouldn’t shit in the house, and lo and behold the Ellis troupe were at the same park that Michael ended up at. The guys talked for a while about YouTube videos about babies getting shit whipped and walking away from it with no injuries. Jude had that happening in his neighborhood when he was growing up, pre-YouTube, where there was a white trash kid who was still in pampers but would jump off the roof of a moving car or get tossed off the back of his brother’s BMX just cause and not one god damn time did he ever land it but nobody got taken to the hospital. Jude floated the idea to Ellis to get Al Sharpton in studio while getting his balls and asshole waxed, but since he’s kinda hard to schedule for things like that, Jason decided porn stars may be easier to make happen. They also thought about doing cock-waxing-karaoke, which could be entertaining but remains to be seen until they actually pull the trigger and do it. Finally, the guys settled on the idea of reading Jayden Smith tweets with that one evil meowing Cumtard bed playing in the background and getting one’s dick waxed all together would be the most entertaining combination. The guys took a few calls on side jobs to pull while you’re getting aggressively manscaped, but none of them were too noteworthy. Tully has been working his way through all of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s old movies and somehow happened to stumble upon a workout album he did back in 1983, and there were a couple of sound bites that really sounded like the opening to gay porn, especially when Arnold is explaining proper workout technique with “It’s Raining Men” playing in the background. Coming back to the topic of pubes, somebody (who was actually me) sent Tully an article which posed the question, is it OK to use one of those communal hot air dryers at the gym to blow dry your pubes? Generally, the guys said it isn’t that big a deal, it just depends how much sexual gratification you’re achieving from the act, and how blatantly you’re advertising what you’re doing. The guys talked for a while about motion lotion and how the silicon stuff is great for straight jacking off, but it can dissolve certain kinds of sex toys, and how the THC lube is about as pointless as trying to use it for it’s intended purpose on Margaret Thatcher. If you haven’t got the news yet, presales for Jude’s book Hyean (the new and improved version, with more stories and nearly limitless production) are available on Amazon and Barnes & Noble, SO FUCKING GET ONE!!! Jude and Ellis were also discussing show ideas for the hypothetical future Jason Ellis channel and Jude wants to incorporate the best parts of the Foreally Show episodes when Shoebox stops by for a regular gig. Jude had to go do his regular-not-sure-if-it’s-permanent-job and Jason needed a riff to compel him, so we got some Dyer’s Eve and I’m gonna need a few minutes to fix the desk and the window I just smashed.

 

Jason got a call from the guys at Globe Shoes, which couldn’t have been timed better cause Tully has conceded the fact that he can’t be trusted to pick his own wardrobe and as long as the pussy is still available, his wife is the one in charge, and Jason has some shoes that she would approve of although Michael would never pick them himself. Ellis has noticed that Katie is a pretty respectable influence on his style, but sometimes even she needs to tone it down or else he’ll be strolling around in Louboutin boots and wolf leggings with a Flavor-Flav style necklace, not necessarily a clock, but something of that nature. Tully is also looking at a new car sometime soon and wants to buy the douchiest thing practical for him to drive. But that’s secondary, cause I could go on forever, but Tully found more important things on the internet in the form of a YouTube channel called “kids react” in which some parent who’s not a vicarious fame whore, volunteers to have someone film their kids’ reactions to learning about current events and causes. First one we saw, was kids watching a video of two guys getting engeaged and some of the kids seemed like they just didn’t know what to think and the rest just basically didn’t seem to care cause children are usually considered pre-sexual beings and shouldn’t have a hell of a lot of an opinion about these kinds of things. Next up though, was two ladies getting engaged and again, it was pretty much the same reaction, just way better looking cause dudes are scummy and ladies are just fantastic. Then there were the kids watching actual videos of people getting married cause I guess it’s illegal or morally reprehensible to show them people committing suicide, even though it’s the exact same god damn thing. One kid they were watching though had really evil Satanic eyebrows, and they could tell from watching it that he would someday be arrested for attempting to perpetrate a fag-drag somewhere not far from a reasonably progressive city where the police actually do their jobs. There was small hope though when the interviewer asked if he thought people were born gay and he admitted it could be possible, so as long as Ken Ham doesn’t get his bullshit pointed anywhere close to this kid, he could turn out OK. This got the guys on the topic of being a good role model to your kids and not teaching them offensive shit like “Carlos Santana is the only contribution Puerto Ricans have ever made to society” and shit like that. HOLLYWOOD NEWS!!! Oh, fuck me. Freddie Prinz Jr., the son of an actual actor by the same name, was on the show 24 with Kiefer Sutherland and has come forward to say that Kiefer is the least professional mother fucker in show business and a complete asshole outside of the business. Pretty much everyone else has said he’s full of shit, but since it was bad enough for him that he almost quit showbiz entirely, I’ll take that as meaning that “Boys And Girls” hasn’t had the residual pay he was hoping for and 24 didn’t solve any of the residual problems caused by it. DMX went on a roller coaster and got as DMX as he could get without smoking crack on webcam in front of his fans. THERE’S GONNA BE A NEW MAD MAX MOVIE!!! And the guys watched the trailer for it, and it includes Mel Gibson’s classic black 1974 Ford Falcon GTA (Australian Model) and of course a million other fucked of rat rods which will be inexplicably driving around in big block V8’s while complaining about the scarcity of gasoline. Jason Staham used to be a competitive high diver, back when he had hair and Guy Ritchie wasn’t an accomplished director. And Lil’ Wayne has started his own professional sports agency, with no clear goal or specific sport they manage/partake in, but he’s doing it all the same. Hollywood isn’t making any money this summer, probably cause we get more exposure to it than we want from shithead paparazzi than we do from the actual content they produce, the quality of which has been in sharp decline in recent years. The guys discussed the long term failings of Hollywood by giving a quick, spoiler session of The Expendables and as much as I appreciate the intent of that franchise, I think it’s safe to say that the shark has been jumped. Somehow, all this talk of The Expendables and the new Mad Max got Jason to the task of recapping the plot of one of the Lethal Weapon movies, and I’m not sure how that all ties together, but I guess it makes sense when you’re not surrounded by ringing phones and loud machinery that can occasionally drown out the point of a conversation. Tracy Morgan is still recovering from that bus crash last month, but he’s not dying and his lawyers are taking WalMart to the fucking cleaners, so maybe the legal system will come through for a black man with money in a positive way for a change, not like that one washed up football player serial killer guy, you know, Fruit Juice, or whatever his name was. The guys took a break after all that to get ready for a guest who was on the way and so that WILSON could catch a nooner with Cumtard before things get too busy in the green room for a bromantic tryst.

 

Did you know today is national tiger day? No, you can’t buy Jason’s son, but you can do something nice for tigers or otherwise just show your respect and support. Josh Todd from Buckcherry stopped by to hang with the guys for a while. I never liked Buckcherry a whole bunch, but they did a pretty good cover of that Dramarama song “Anything, Anything” and if you can pay proper tribute to a classic, you’ll earn a few points in my book. Josh told the guys some stories about his cocaine, meth, LSD and alcohol days and all the good times that come along with that kind of combination. Luckily though, he’s got almost 20 years off all of it and he’s an all around super dad and part time rock star these days, so it all works out in the end. Josh has a new EP coming out soon, but every free moment he has is at the go-kart track, and not those pussy electric ones, like a real deal, four-weel-brake kart. The guys talked karting for a while and all the weight classing and ins and outs of the league stuff and how pretty much any average Joe can get into it without having to build a half million dollar sponsored engineering experiment just to get some seat time and the officials keep it all as fair as possible. Josh is pretty enthusiastic about boxing like Jason too, so they shot the shit about that for a while (anyone else feel another possible future EllisMania contender coming on?). The guys decided to take the opportunity to bring back a game they haven’t played in a while, NAME THAT NIPPLE!!! If you don’t remember, it’s a guessing game where the folkls have to match the nipple picture to the famous name it’s attached to. The list goes as follows:

1. A young James Hetfield

2. Rob Halford’s pierced male mammary

3. M. Shadows

4. Danzig’s monstrous wolf titty

5. Tommy Lee

6. Slash

7. Bruce Dickinson’s even more terrifying wolf nipple

8. Axl Rose

9. Steven Tyler’s slightly haggard nipple of yesteryear

10. Jim Morrison

11. A young Bono

And last but not least,

12. Ozzy Osbourne

The guys played a track off the new EP “Fuck” in which every track has the word fuck in the title, which is certainly a great way to get my attention, and then Josh took a shot at the punch pad and landed himself a 56, putting him right up in the ranks with Mike Jasper, Juliana Pena and some other folks on the same scale. The guys bantered a bit more abour fighting and trying to clarify just how hard of a punch Josh landed and then took a breather to regroup for another game the guys had saved up.

 

MMA NEWS YOU FUCKING PUSSIES!!! Jason watched it and I didn’t and Tully read a bunch of news stories about it because Jason is dyslexic!!! But more specifically, Joe Riggs was gonna come out of retirement but accidentally shot himself in the hand and upper leg while cleaning his gun. Anderson Silva and Nick Diaz are also allegedly gonna be fighting, either in the octagon or somewhere on the east end of Stockton cause shit like that happens out there. Tully cooked up some chicken feet and the guys decided to have Cumtard fellate them like that one scene in Killer Joe where Juno Tilly is giving a drumstick a blow job for the amusement of a derranged Matthew McCaunaghey. Jetta came in to assist, but Tard kept taste testing the chicken feet cause he’s a lot more adventurous with food than all you assholes on twitter seem to think. Then Jetta started molesting Kevin’s face in the least disrespectful way possible, but some of the claws came off the foot in his throat so the gagging noises were still applied without needing any external audio support. The guys called Jetta back in after the face fucking to have him sit down and be informed that he’s a FUCKING DISGRACE OF A HUMAN BEING AND HIS PARENTS SHOULD HAVE STABBED HIM WITH A COAT HANGER WHEN THEY HAD THE CHANCE due to his lack of knowledge about classic rock, even the really well known stuff, and they included Hot Dog because NOBODY IS EXEMPT FROM RESPECTING THE GREATES RIFFS AND LYRICS IN ALL OF HISTORY!!! So, basically the last half hour was a bit of ridiculing the two newest employees for being born in a time when rock started going into death throes and the best we could offer to replace it was Limp Bizkit. Hot Dog proved himself to be quite a bit more knowledgable despite his age, so the guys stuck to making Jetta feel like shit for not knowing classic rock songs and for also driving a Jetta (cause if you own a German car and thought it would be practical, you have a really warped idea of practicality). The guys decide to introduce a shock collar to this affair because stupidity is supposed to be painful, and if mother nature doesn’t feel like enforcing that anymore, it’s up to us as the few humans with common sense to make sure the stupid are either ridiculed into acting appropriately or killed by their own poorly calculated deeds. Luckily, when this was all finished up, it made me want to put my foor so far up Jetta’s ass he could use his teeth to give me a pedicure after his remarks about The Clash. I was listening to the end of the show on demand, so there might have been more to this segment, or final calls, or someone screaming to start a race war, but all the same I enjoyed what I heard and typing out my unique take on it for all of you. And Iron Maiden doesn’t sound like the Crue, you fucking simpleton.

 

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

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Christian James Hand: Is He A Terrorist?

We got the chance to ask Christian James Hand (aka Shoebox) a few questions. Sure, we were whisked away to a secret location (the red carpet) with ski masks on our heads, but it was worth it. He’s been a part of the “crew” since the Tainstick days and of course Death! Death! Die! Now, we get to the real man behind the drum kit & sound production. And the low vocals. Don’t worry, it’s an inside joke. He probably hates it.


You’re of British/English descent. Most people hear that you have “some kind of accent” but don’t realize you grew up speaking the King’s English and putting “U’s” in words that only Brits & Canadians can identify with. Three part question. When did you move to the US? When did the accent start to disappear? And, do you still bust out the accent to get laid?
i moved to the US in ’83, i think. Straight to the John Hughes’ film that was Long Island in the 80’s. An incredible time. i opted out of having an accent because most Americans can be REALLY fucking annoying if u have an English accent. i don’t really use it to get laid, that’s what my cock is for, but i HAVE used it to get an upgraded rental car and to get upgraded on a couple of flights. It does work.


cjh-no-marks

No, seriously. Look.

Why do you hate Tully so much?
i hate Tully because he is the smartest, fasted, cunt i’ve ever been in a room with. His mind is blindingly fast.


Years ago, there was a period of tension between you and Ellis / the band. Was it creative differences or was it the allegation of headphone theft, or something else?
The “tension” between Ellis and i revolved around “Headphone Gate”, which was manufactured by Stretch. He dropped the ball on getting the ‘phones shipped to NY for Cullen and Czech, i needed them for a session, they were in a pile of unused shite in the hallway at the old studio so i grabbed them with a plan to return them when the session was over, shouldn’t have done that. My bad. There was always TONS of discarded shit lying around the place so i thought that they were just part of the random stuff. Ellis went to NY and found out that they hadn’t been sent to NY for months and called to find out why. Stretch said that i’d opened a box CLEARLY marked “Send to NY” and “stole” them. Total bullshit. The minute that Pendivillewitz called me to ask if i’d seen them i said “Yes” and that i’d bring them back and send them to NY myself, which i did. There’s a reason i’m still involved in the show and that person isn’t. Ellis and i talked it out and all is Wine and Roses.


Speaking of the band, there was a significant jump in members. Were you responsible for getting some “heavy hitters” to participate? And what are your thoughts about “Teen Wolf” replacing “Tussin Wolf”? It’s gotta be a joke, right? He’s like 12 years old?
Ellis drafted in the Heavy Hitters on the last D!D!D! album. It’s one of the advantages of the show getting so much bigger, we get to have some AWESOME people involved. i love that last record! The guests on that moved the goal-posts for us. Teen Wolf? The thing that annoys me about that shit is that the cunt is SO FUCKING HANDSOME!! He should also have to wear a helmet when we play live.


You’ve been lucky enough to date some guests that have rolled through the studio. However, your current girlfriend, to our knowledge, has never been on-air. At least not in any significant capacity on TJES. How did you meet her?
i have only dated one guest, and we all know who THAT is. Btw – whatever you’ve heard, it’s ALL true. My current girlfriend has been on-the-air a couple of times, but it was stealthy and the situation is a bit complicated. Next question.


As a kid growing up in England what was your perception of the United States?
i was FASCINATED with The States. You have to imagine a young kid growing up in the grey of the UK and only seeing the US through the prism of “The Dukes of Hazzard”, “The Love Boat”, “Wonder Woman” etc. It looked like an incredible, legendary, magical place. Plus my Dad was frequently coming here for work so he would return with gifts (Some marshmellow spread shit that blew EVERYONE’S minds, i think it was called “Fluff”) and photos and stories. i couldn’t wait to get here. i wanted two things; Catherine Bach and a Muscle-Car. i am still blown away by the journey that has bought me to LA with a view of the Hollywood sign from my apt window. i often fantasize about going back to the UK and sitting in my old room with 10 year old me and telling him what our life is like. He’d be fucking stoked!!


cjh-know-what

A man needs time to reflect.

You have got to be aware that there are many ladies of the EllisFam that would love to jump your bone and tickle your pickle. What’s it like being an EllisFam sex symbol?
i am incredibly flattered and equally as confused by this question.


Does the pinnacle of your career endeavors end as a SiriusXM DJ and guest host on The Jason Ellis Show or do you aspire to do something more.
My “career” is in a weird spot currently. The music thing has been a bit of a let-down, to be honest. All i have ever wanted to is be a DJ on the radio and that i love, however, working in the Music Business and making records for these cunts at the Majors has soured me on the entire Producer thing. i don’t know what to do next. i am so grateful to be on the show with Ellis and Tully and i am so glad that i am getting to move into the role of “Music Guy”, it’s really all i care about, but it’s not full-time as a “cast member” and if i’m not going to want to make records anymore, i don’t know what i want to do next. Shepherd?


cjh-what-was-the-question

The Rick Savage days.

Domino. Is there anything you feel like discussing there? You seemed to be attracted to her particularly, you even mentioned it a few times on-air. Anything come of that?
Nothing ever came of the Domino thing. If i was gonna fuck a tranny (i know i’m not supposed to call her that), she’d probably be the one. Unless Vanity wants a shot. Domino has one of the greatest asses ever.


You’re like the GPS of Hollywood events that create traffic near or around you. Is that any better than Will listening to a police scanner? Do you feel like he’s more deprived than you?
Living in my ‘hood is Love & Hate. Wowzers. It IS awesome, but it is also the biggest fucking nightmare EVER!! Every premiere, The Oscars, parades – all wreak havoc. BUT it is the only place in LA that feels like a city. It’s a postage-stamp sized piece of Time Square and i love it. Will, however, is WAY worse off than me. i, at least, live 7 stories up, removed from the shit. He’s much closer to the ground.


Has there ever been tension between you and Dingo for third chair supremacy on the show? If not, can we create some?
i hate Dingo almost as much as Tully. i will not give that cunt anymore free press by discussing him in this interview. Did i mention that he is both Gay and Left-Handed? Total asshole. Nice hair. Ferg.


Your musical segments on the show have been very well received by the fans, Jason and Tully. Do you think you’ve found the right format for these, or do you have plans to evolve or expand them in any way? Any other themes you would like to explore?
As i’ve said, i LOVE doing the music segments. i never imagined that the “Stripped Vocal” thing would work. That was ALL Ellis and it was a brilliant idea. i just love being able to get listeners excited about music and performers, to tell the stories. It’s an amazing thing. i would love to do a New Music Podcast, i’ve been looking into it. The laws are Draconian fucking bullshit.


You have the widest variety of musical taste I have ever seen, from metal to funk and soul. if you had to listen to one genre for the rest of your life, what would it be? What genre would be playing in your own personal hell and why?
i would say New Country. Fucking pablum. Rascal Flatts?!?! Fuck off. Gahbudge. Soulless shite. A total joke.


It’s 1955, and you have to kill one: Paul McCartney, Mick Jagger or Gene Simmons. Who do you pick?
Gene Simmons. Period. He’s done more for Marketing than Music. Douche of Douches. “Love Gun”? Child. (This coming from one of the idiots who wrote “Load”. Glass houses my friend, glass houses)


What has been your greatest accomplishment in your life as of now?
My “Greatest Accomplishment To Date”? Hmmmmm. i would have to say it would be making it to 45 and still being allowed to make a living doing what i love. Many people i see don’t get that gift and it makes me really sad. It seems like people lose perspective about this being the ONLY time you get to be on this amazing planet doing amazing shit in THIS stoopid flesh-bag!! i never wanted to look back and wonder “What if?” But is is NOT easy. Hardest thing ever. Nobody wants you to succeed. The system is rigged.


What has been your most difficult life hurdle to get where you are now?
i have Asperger’s and that makes life pretty weird. Things that normal people don’t struggle with are fucking CHAOS for us poor Aspies (i hate that term). Relationships and friendships are tough. i can be an exhausting person to have in your life. i count my blessings that people keep me around. Don’t get me started on what happens when your Trader Joe’s closes and you have to start using another one. FUCK!!! Talk to my girlfriend about THAT one.


If you could remove one single thing from existence, a person, idea, type of food, etc, what would it be and why?
i would remove Religion. Terrible idea with consequences that nobody saw coming.


Did your radio career start at Sirius XM? How did you get your start?
My “Radio Career” started in college and then in Westchester, NY on a station called X107. i was the Over-Night Guy and then got moved to Afternoons. That station flipped Country so i was then moved out here to be the Night Slammer on our sister station Y107, that station flipped Spanish, so i was fired. i did weird shit for a few years and then my old boss, S. Blatter got me hired on Faction. That was 6 years ago or something. Time flies. Wow. Can i take a moment to state, for the record, that John Duncan is the dumbest cunt i’ve ever met in radio? And i’ve met my fair share. Thanx, i needed that.


Let’s pretend Ellis got his own channel (not just online). Would you be open to having an hour show on it? Would you ever consider co-hosting a show on that channel with Judo?
i would kill to be on-the-air with Jude. Incredible human-being. Jimminy!! We could do a helluva morning show, except he’d never be on time, probably wouldn’t even show up, but when he did!! WATCHOUT!! i would also like to do a 2 hour New Music Show on this Ellis channel, maybe Sunday nights. Can i get an application?

PS – BOLLOCKS!!

THE END


Thanks to Christian for stopping by the show more often with his own signature segments, for helping test studio security, and for taking the time to do this Q & A session for NYA. He may have allegedly banged way more famous & hot chicks than any of us, he might even also call soccer “football” or even “footy”, but he’s very good at what he does, is entertaining, and has taken steps to not sound like Johnny Rotten. Plus we’ve never heard him say “bollocks” on-air. OH!


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HateBean Live With Number Five

More live studio recordings with HateBean. This time with heavy hitter Blasko on bass, Shoebox on keytar, Nancy on guitar, and tons of over-everything audio-wise courtesy of Ellis. Which actually gave it a gritty, industrial feel that worked out. So here it is, the audio with no – or next to no alterations.


hatebean_laardvark


Need more HATEBEAN? We got more HATEBEAN!

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Show Re-Cap for Friday 1/24/2014

internet_arguments

I’m here to recap and kick ass. Eventually, I’ll be done with the recap, but not yet.

It’s Friday, nobody gives a fuck, including me. So peep this shit. To much hair on a man’s chest can present itself to be a… hairy situation. YEEEAAAHHH! It’s cool, you’re like a bear with all that, all that, all that hair. But it can be a little… overbearing. YEEEAAAHHH! Think you got a super hairy chest? Go sit next to a dog. You still think you got a hairy chest? Kick ass, the show keeps cutting in and out on me. Whatever. It’s Friday. Fuck it. Tully took some exception to people calling yesterday’s guest, Dillion, a cumdumpster or something. Come on people, let’s be a little respectful of Wilson’s spank bank material. Eric Bana, Hugh Huge Jackman, and Chris Hemsworth are super Australian but Russel Crowe is not, he’s an imposter Aussie. Katie woke up perioding out on Ellis today, not bleeding, but bitching – but it happens to everyone and it’s all good. It happened to Tully’s kid today, he flipped his shit over a dirty diaper and had a typical baby meltdown whose cries spanned the gamut of emotions. Tully might have a cold sore. He noticed it before the AVNs, thank the powers that be. Tully recently found out he’s been drinking blood bubbles, his Soda Stream thing is based in occopied Jewville or something and people are all like, “Whuuuut?” and the other people are like, “Shyeaaahh!” so that leaves everyone else all like “Huh.” Tully will be watching some UFC this weekend and Ellis will be doing a wheelie on a horse this weekend. I know what you’re thinking, that’s impossible. I am here to tell you, it is indeed possible to watch the UFC. It’s on TV. Duh! Wilson popped in the studio and left just as quickly like a true prima donna. Break time!

Aaaand we’re back, with Shoebox. Scientists found out the great white sharks can live to be up to 70 years old. That means there’s some shark that remember when man landed on the moon and how bad he wanted to eat a man who landed on the moon. Did you know there exists a person who absolutely hates Wilson? I mean loathes his very existence, her name is Lori and she’s from Oregon and she’s on the horn. If you’re not catching on here with the “her” and “she’s”, we’re talking about a woman, with an opinion. She also works for the government and sounds like she might be a little bitter – and in lurve. Am I right? Of course I am. HEYOH! Speaking of foolery, the pizza guy stopped at Ellis’ place last night and asked if she shaved his dog. Problem was, he was speaking about the hairless cat. Dog, cat, whatever, now we’re talking about ducks. Wait. No. Let’s talk about who are the favorite guests that regularly come on to show. While coming up with the list of names, we find out the Shoebox has been in 3 movies and has blown somebody in all 3 movies, proving that art really does imitate life. (thank you Tully for that joke) Wilma Pendarvis was escorted into the studio, while on a conference call – a real one. While everyone on the conference call was listening, Wilma had to discretely describe what kind of underwear she was wearing – it was pretty hilarious. You catch that Lori? OH! Break time!

everything_out_of_her_mouth_is_a_lie

The people have spoken, Lori. hahaa

andy-dick

Oh Andy, what are we going to do with you?

Aaaand we’re back, with news that you can now order Ellis’ new book, “The Awesome Guide to Life: Get Fit, Get Laid, Get Your Shit Together” This lead us into some Women, Am I Right? news with a woman who pulled a gun out of her vagina after a fight about aliens. Next up, a woman was arrested for breaking into a pet store to set puppies free, not her sweater puppies, but real life puppies. I know, bad joke. Next up, a New York woman punched a 70-year-old Walmart greeter lady in de face on Christmas eve over a disputed receipt. Just as duck news got shot down, women am I right news got shut down early because a guest had showed up, costing Ellis to lose his $10 bet with Shoebox on whether the guest would actually show or not. In comes Andy Dick. And boom, boom, boom, out go the lights. I can’t handle listening to him much anymore, so I drifted in and out of consciousness the entire time. I think they talked about addiction, fucking guys, fucking girls, pissing on people, and Tully making balls out of the headphone cords. Break time!

Aaaand we’re back, with You Sir Are a Moron. But first, there’s a lot of rape going on the world ducks. Ducks can have 17 inch long dicks and is constantly evolving to be able to rape female ducks. Meanwhile, the female ducks’ vagina are constantly evolving to thwart being raped, making it an arms race between male and female ducks. Okay, back to the game. Shit. I forgot to jot down the questions. Well, let me tell ya, there were some questions, that’s for sure! And Cumtard asked them, it’s true. I heard him. Break time!

Aaaand we’re back, and Andy Dick isn’t, he left. And then there was talk about Ellis’ new book, the one I mentioned above – scroll up – see it? That one. Okay, now look back here, here’s where you can pre-order signed copies of the book: awesomeguidetolife.com BAM! Will’s still not coming into the studio and his weekend has been ruined, all because of Lori – that harlot with her opinions. Speaking of maggots, a middle school warned that snorting Smarties may lead to nasal maggots. I’ve snorted Smarties when I was a kid, Fun Dip too, and I never got nasal maggots. You hear me kids? You’re safe to do pretend drugs. Wait. No. I don’t mean you should pretend to do drugs, but if you have or do, I’m pretty sure you’re not gonna get nasal maggots. Will finally came into the studio to air his grievances and share his feelings. Maybe Lori just got confused, HateBean is just the band name, not a command. And with that, I’m wrapping this baby up. But first, let me tell you this. One time I was in Prague and witness a woman getting an abortion, it was crazy! The only thing for me to say was, I guess you could call that a… cancelled Czech! YEEEAAAHHH!

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Show Re-Cap for Wednesday 12/11/2013

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BOOM! First paragraph and I’m killing it! Or not.

Welcome to Wednesday, welcome to this thing, and it is indeed a thing. Lets put you in the right mood before we start. First off, I’m willing to bet most of you reading this are not currently menstruating. How am I doing so far? Good. Secondly, I’m willing to bet most of you reading this are not currently married to Wilson. Am I right? Good. Finally, I’m willing to bet most of you reading this are not currently still reading this. I knew it! Okay, now we’re ready to begin. Ellis learned something new today, he be all like “oooooooohhh” instead of just being like “yeeeeeaaaaaahhhh” and that’s going to change the face of your face and the button bar’s face. Some caller said he rolled his car while listening to the show, a couple of tense moments as we didn’t hear from the caller – we all thought he was dead, but then a miracle happened! He remembered he called into the show and then he spoke! AMAZING! SCIENCE! WIENERS! Dingo’s not here today, but he kind of is because he knows what everybody is doing at all times. Tully went to have drinks last night with an old pal, after three drinks he began to question what the fuck he was doing – I call it having a good time. ~Kid Rock He doesn’t know what else to do when just hanging out. He refuses to meet anyone for a coffee after dark, which I fully agree with, that’s a negative Ghostrider. Tully might have also cracked a mystery puzzling the entire world, Ryan Seacrest may indeed be gay. Ellis had a meeting last night with a production company about TV shows, I assume TV shows he’ll never be given a chance to be in, even if they are his own. They talked about the idea of Ellis Mini-Moto Mania, mixed with a TUF style elimination set of rounds. So now that’s the show they’re going to pitch and Tully will now be a part of since he thought of the good part.

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Sign language ain’t so hard.

You know Nelson Mandela died, right? Yeah, well, some dude pretending to use sign language during the memorial was there. Not doing anything even remotely close to sign language. This guy is basically going around trolling services with his fake sign language, and for that, I salute you Mr. Big Fat Phony Sign Languager Guy. Tully’s had enough being condemned to a chair by the man, he tested out his idea of pacing around the studio while talking. Manny Pacquiáo might be broke as shit, which would make sense because he’s a Filipino and as we all saw from that typhoon, the entire country lives in metal shacks. While waiting for some big wieners and some hot buns, they killed some time by handing out a few Wolfknives names to new members. To properly do this, Ellis joined Tully in pacing around the studio, which I supported by pacing around my office while writing this – thank you technology and legs and you too feet! Metallica became the first band in the history of the world to play on every continent on Earth, even Antarctica.

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Wait. We’re talking about hot dogs?

Finally. WIENERS! Angie Stevenson, her sister, and one of her hot friends came in bearing gifts, the gift of wieners. She runs a wiener truck that makes the claim “The biggest wieners and the hottest buns” so we shall see if they live up to the hype. You may also remember her from the Taintstick video Apple Juice, or maybe you know her from her porn days as Angie Savage – you dirty little masturbator. Side note, Ellis has boinked Angie, allegedly of course. She says they’re trying to make it wholesome brand, which I suppose shaking your tits and ass at sixteen-year-old and overloading on the sexual innuendos could be considered wholesome. This is ‘MURICA, damn it! So without further tits ado, the guys had the wiener girls and wiener boy (Wilson) help make an intro for the show. It was a little painful to hear one of the chicks try to stammer out words, but Wilson’s bits really smoothed out the rough edges, especially his German gaping voice. Then we went to break so everyone could fill their wholes with some meaty wieners and relish in the deliciousness of a premium tube of meat by products.

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Leaving the wiener bit behind.

We came back with some news about a drunk driver whose lawyer successfully got his client off. To something. I don’t know. Christian Hand is in studio, which makes sense because it gave him a chance to run into hot chicks. But he also has some Grammy nominations, none of which include Death! Death! Die! So who is up for a Grammy this year? I don’t fuckin’ care, go check it out for yourself, ya lazy fucker! I will tell you this though, it’s no wonder I don’t give a shit about the Grammy’s, because every track they played (with the except of a few) was fucking terrible. I don’t know why people listen to this shit, much less vote on it. Also, Tully has an inner eleven-year-old girl inside of him. Hey, some church members were actin’ a fool, if you can believe that. Who could play Ozzy in a movie about Ozzy / Black Sabbath? Mel Gibson? Glenn Danzig? Bert McCracken? Kelly Osbourne? Who knows.

An Australian fisherman was fishing, as you’d expect, he dropped his beer in the river, fished it out and drank it. Yeah, he got sick as fuck with a large mass of shit protruding from his stomach. He had surgery to have it removed, which left him with an even larger bulging stomach, so another surgery was done. Guess what? That bulging stomach shit came back, he had surgery again and it just keeps coming back. Ah, that’s a piss’a mate. Remember how Dingo was pissed off at that hack Beacher from Beacher’s Madhouse? Turns out he snubbed the Dings when Miley invited him into the club, the Dinger wasn’t allowed in, mate. That’s cause for war in La La Land. Black people are jealous of white people because tattoo colors show up better are us crackers. White people are jealous of black people because they’re better at damn near every sport and they just tend to look way cooler no matter what they’re wearing. Did you know Shoebox pulled a Church of Haden when he saved a man’s life, choking on a chicken bone, by giving him the Heimlich maneuver? Nobody knew, because hero’s don’t go around flaunting their heroics. Sounds like Death! Death! Die! playing at a club after the AVN’s might not happen because of shady motherfuckers who are all shady and shit, but nothing is 100% yet. And that, my friends, is today’s show and today’s wienercap. A horse walks into a bar, the bartender asks, “Why the long face?” The horse accidentally runs into a few things, shits on the floor, and then leaves. OH!

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What does my face look like when I cum?

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