Here we are again, for our rendezvous. Let’s see if Tully is still sick or he has passed it back to Ellis. Will Dingo be there? Has Andrew farted since the tragedy known as FartGate2015? Will Will impose his will on anyone’s last will and testament? Neither Tully or Ellis sound sick so far. I don’t hear any Dingo. Nor do I hard Andrew the Farter. We will have to wait to see what’s up with Will. Ellis went to the Gay Pride Awards, where he received several awards for not being gay. Continue reading
Welcome (English), ulihelisdi (Cherokee), bienvenue (French), herzlich willkommen (German Gaper). It’s another Monday recap with your bestie-cakes, me! Okay, so maybe we don’t know each other well enough to best friends, but we can change that – and that’s change you can believe in! Ellis is super excited to be here today, things are looking great for him because he feels like he’s got 7 million balloons tied to his pants, he feels light. And he’s excited to make all kinds of money and move in next to rich fuckers and ruin their days. Haircuts. Ellis had a bowl cut when he was young, it almost turned into a bob. Guess which younger, male, Ellis is not allowed to have a mohawk or a shaved head? Hint, his name rhymes with Liger Tee. Dingo was at Diddy’s son’s birthday party on Thursday and got wasted and isn’t sure what he said, but he knows he let loose. He was there getting blasted with basically just the family, minus Puff – he didn’t show up until way later. Everyone was singing Happy Birthday to Diddy Jr. and cracker-ass Dingo couldn’t clap in rhythm with everyone else. Speaking of singing Happy Birthday, Tully and his son sang Happy Birthday to Mrs. Tullywong. It was just as embarrassing because it’s just 1 adult and 1 toddler singing. Speaking of toddlers, Ellis and Katie went to a gay pride parade on Saturday. There was a whole lot of talk about dudes fucking dudes, supposed 24 hour anti-AIDs pills, and pubic hair, more than I will bore you with. Basically, it sounds like it was exactly what you might expect it to be. FABULOUS!
Will’s still faithfully training for his fight with Cumtard, straight up in his shorts and ready to rock’em sock’em by the time Ellis gets to the gym. Which begs the question, does Cumtard even know about the Madden brothers and the X-Games? Just go with it man, segue’s be damned! So that gracefully leads us into Kenda Perez on the horn and not hung over to talk about the UFC. She was in Albuquerque, New Mexico for the fights, she even hit up a bar to watch, but not participate in line dancing. She smelled all kinds of that sticky icky green skunk bud in her hotel, and apparently Dingo thinks that means a smell of sex and not pot marijuana. Tully was in Albuquerque once, his room had bullet holes in the door and a duct tape repair job on the toilet, so we’re talking upscale shitting here. Anyway, some people fought during UFC Fight Night and apparently there was some whack-a-doody stuff that went down, but honestly, I’m just not feeling it so you’re gonna have to go look on the lines yourself to find out what all happened. So Dingo practiced his American accent with some “cheeseburger” and “cheese steak” drops. He’s about halfway there to an American accent, needs practice. He doesn’t get most of our National Anthem either, until it gets to the “live free” part. Again, just go with it, I think he’s mixing up the song with the Die Hard movie. So everyone on the show is trying to watch hockey a lot more, sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn’t – but hey, at least they’re trying. Tully likes it when the guy skates behind the other teams goalie and everyone’s all like “ooooohhh, which was is gonna go, is going left, is he going right, nobody knows!” And Ellis likes it when the guy passes behind his back and people fake fall. Dingo just likes the National Anthem, you know the part.
Wolfknives members, you wanna choose some music? You can still send in some picks for songs to be played – so there’s that. You’re probably not gonna get 311 played, but you can try, you dick. Shark news time, directly from the ocean. Scientists were puzzled by a 9 foot great white shark that got eaten. Turns out, it wasn’t a fucking Kraken or Godzilla, it was a colossal cannibal great white shark that ate it. BOOM! I break news and hearts, y’all! Also, the Loch Ness monster is full of shit, man. Hey, some how you can win a download code the new Linkin Park album for something or another, and the upcoming UFC fights, I don’t think you have to do anything for it, it’s just how Ellis feels at the moment. So good luck with that! It’s time for some history lessons with Ellis and Dingo. 20 years ago, the “Hollywood Madame” was arrested, who was she? She was a coke ho, she had a book, she showed everybody her black book of ho’s, and dick sizes. That last part might not be correct, but let’s not mince cocks here. On June 8th, 632 AD, Muhammad the Barbarian died, he started a religion, not cheeseburgers. Ronald Reagan was a movie star, became a politician, and he invented Star Wars but gave Lucas the rights to it, and Marilyn Monroe was his bastard child because Presidential loads were flying all over the place back then. The 19th amendment was passed to give black people a mule and some acreage since we treated them like shit. Some good movies came out in 1989, but the crackdown on drugs came to hardcore fruition in Tiananmen Square and unless you were in a strong relationship, you could only have 1 child, also California rolls were invented. Babe Ruth invented the candy bar, he was a drunk, beat his wife, and slept with everybody. He was the fattest person to point at the sky and hit a ball right up the sun’s ass. Deep throat, he worked for the FBI, knew the secret to awesome blow jobs, and shared that information and gave free demonstrations, and that’s where Tommy Lee Jones got all wrinkly. Amy Fisher was an ice skater, she broke some hot Asian chick’s legs, and then got shot in the face with some fat dudes load. Brothers Lewis and Clark were boat enthusiasts that flew around the world and made shoes. They’d buy Chinaman and trade them for blacks, 2 for 1, it was a fucked up time around the Louisiana Purchase era. Is your head spinning from all this very factual information in this history lesson? I know mine is! See, who says learning can’t be fun?
So remember how Tully mentioned he, Will, Cumtard, and Jetta all invested $20 each of their own money into the show? It was revealed today they got on fiverr.com and paid for people to do make things to help promote the show. None of them were worth $5, much less the time it took to send an email. Well, maybe the chick singing Who Let The Dogs Out, that might of been worth the $5. Sounds like maybe this $10 game Tully had made might also be the best thing made and represents the show better than all the other stuff. This brought us to final calls and the question, what would you do if you had a “Get out of AIDs free” pill for 12 hours. Apparently Rik Mayall from “The Young Ones” died at the age of 56, that show was fucking great, so that sucks. And on that note, I have a massive headache, so I’m done staring at this screen. Don’t die!
Bonus: Here’s @McKaI86 pretending to be Bane and talking about TJES.
Download (link to MP3)
Bonus #2: “The Party”
Too much hair on a mans chest can just be in-furr-iating! Hahaha fuck yo couch and welcome to the Friday Jason Ellis Show Recap. Having a body full of fur sounds alright,
you’re always warm, no skin cancer, no matter where you lay down it’s always soft. But be careful what you wish for, the cost of hair conditioner is astronomical. It’s the end of the week and some listeners are assholes, porn stars are probably mentally scarred, Australian actors are regular people too, little kids are constantly tripping balls, and Tully may or may not have a cold sore. But probably not. Maybe. This weekend Jason is going to do a wheelie on a horse. Total Nitro Circus meets John Wayne style. Yippie Kai Yay mother fucker.
If you listened to the live show then you know that the music was hand selected by listeners. If you want your chance to pick the music just tweet your selection to @JasonEllisShow and they’ll probably play it, even if it sucks, because if it sucks it’s all your fault. In Shark News according to science, great white sharks can live up to 70 years old! Also in shark news, Laurie in Oregon hates Will. She doesn’t think he’s funny, at all. She doesn’t understand why he’s funny because she’s not “in the circle.” But to be completely honest, she doesn’t even like Hate Bean and after she said that all I could hear in my head was Charlie Browns teacher talking. Wa wa wa. Wa wa. Wa wa, wa wa wa. Basically deep down inside she wants him to judge her butt and climax, it’s an internal struggle that she wishes was an internal struggle. But on a more serious topic, what the fuck is a sprinkle sandwich? Is it just a sandwich with sprinkles in it? No seriously, I don’t fucking know for sure. Oh well, another one of life’s great mysteries shall go unsolved. But one of life’s answered question, who are your favorite people who have been on the show. Some people that were mentioned as guest co hosts were Dingo, Jude, CJH, Joanna Angel, Doug Benson, and Psycho Mike just to name a few. Also Will is wearing cowgirl style underwear, I’ll just let your mind wrap around that one for a bit.
A New Mexico woman, the new one not the old Mexico, was charged for aggravated assault after pulling a gun from her dick pocket after an argument about aliens. Oh, this is Women Am I Right in case you didn’t figure it out by now. A woman was arrested after breaking into a pet store because she wanted to set the puppies free, topless. Only makes sense. A 78 year old woman asked to see her receipt and the twenty something girl punched the old lady in the kisser. A Texas woman robbed the same bank twice in one month is being sought after. Speaking of crazy bitches, Andy Dick is here! Well not here, on the show here. He’s not helping me write the recap right now, but it would be way funnier if he was. Andy was on fire talking about all kinds of exciting shit like rehab and drinkin and being on TV! And Andy also got married, but for the right reasons, taxes and health care benefits. And everyone thinks he’s completely retarded! They talked about all kinds of shit. Like dreds and how much they stink and Andy’s to do list for the rest of the day. He has a conference call at six if you were wondering.
In duck rape news, a third of all duck sex is forced. Quack mother fuckin quack. You Sir Are A Moron, not you, the bit, well maybe you, but you don’t have special celebrity guest Andy Dick. It was riveting, earth shattering, and incredibly insightful but if you really want to know what was said check out On Demand or listen to the replay Monday morning because in case you forgot, it’s Friday, I don’t give a fuck, and that’s a lot of shit to write.
Andy had to leave but no worries, you can go to some website and order The Awesome Guide To Life Something Something Long Title at Amazon.com probably. It’s awesome, I already read it. It helped me to stop smoking, raise my credit score, and treat women and goats with more respect and dignity. Kids these days are snorting Smarties, the sugar candy pills. I’m not surprised, it’s next logical step after Pixie Sticks and everyone knows that Pixie Sticks are a gateway candy. Final calls were the usual nonsense but more importantly the fans came together to let Will know that he is the wind beneath our wings, he is our sunshine our only sunshine, he completes us. And Laurie from Oregon should know that she needs keep her opinions about Will “the greatest man ever” Pendarvis to herself, much like her mum should keep her filth ridden septic tank wild animal feral vagina to herself, OH!
And if Laurie happens to read this, I didn’t mean it, just jokes. Or are they? Do do do do do do do do do do do (twilight zone theme)
Welcome to the end of the week where nobody is supposed to give a fuck or you’re out of the club. In case you didn’t notice right off the bat, Christian James Hand in the Tully chair, where is Tully, well he does’t give a fuck, and he’s sick. Jason posted an Instagram of Katie and her awesome back piece and Jeff Beacher, of Beachers Madhouse, commented asking if that was a dude. This threw off Jason because he thought they were cool but with more investigating apparently Beacher thinks of himself as a comedian also, so even though he is a shitty comedian everybody figured he was just fucking around and didn’t mean anything serious by it. “Nothing is as bad as it seems in the moment” according to Rawdog, but he has never been attacked by a swarm of mother fucking bees! If you are in LA and and are wondering where you can workout to get your flabby turkey arms in shape you can work out with Katie and Ellis at the Legends Gym. Also some exciting news, Ellis has been sober nine days! Woohoo, time for a good ol fashioned hookers and blow sobriety party. Then they talked about Jason’s Porsche, Christian’s Mini, Cumtard’s Audi, and Josh’s inability to avoid concrete dividers in the parking garage. Someone brought up the news that Kim Kardashian sold some shit and only gave ten percent of the money to the Philippines instead of all of it. I think that’s bullshit, she shoulda flown there and given all the people shelter inside her gigantic ass. This is most likely an attempt to get a tax break on the profits. Plus according to Everlast the Kardashian’s are just the devil reincarnate. After arguing about this, a few callers, and failed attempts to get Everlast on the phone, we all went down, down to butt Town.
In today’s Shark News, two Newfies saved a green shark from choking on a piece of moose hide. If these two men were also playing hockey with a frozen puck of maple syrup in beaver hats, this would have been the most Canadian news ever. Lance Bass has a new single out and has a show on Out Q called Put It In My Bass and apparently he does
his show from space. What is also apparent is my ability to remember even the smallest details of the Jason Ellis Show. Ellis is also going to appear on the Heidi and Frank Show and then after that he’s gonna be on the Holly Frosty and Hank podcast in Frosty’s mom’s basement. Some kid called in and someday hopes to be a trucker just like his daddy and his sister someday hopes to have a professional basketball player as her baby daddy. And today in Flaming Hot Cheetos news, who the fuck cares, Cheetos are fucking awesome. Speaking of food and shit they then started talking about working out, testosterone and boxing but I didn’t hear everything over the sweet crunch of my Cheetos. I did however hear the story of Ellis getting his eyebrows shaved off and it was hilarious, you should have been there! I just laughed and laughed and laughed!
You can live like a king in Panama, not because everybody there thinks every white guy is David Lee Roth, or becuase we are rich compared to everybody, but because everybody there is completely fucked. Then Christian started asking Ellis about his vacation almost as if Christian never listens to the show. I’m sure he is a faithful and daily listener and just
making good conversation. Also some island that Josh probably pronounced wrong is going to disappear due to global warming. I suggest they buy a boat. Tully drives like a Lego man and Ellis is the most Competitive guy around and why are we talking about this? Because the go cart race is happening, ummm, soon! Tuesday I think, it would be a good idea to keep an eye on Ellis’s twitter for more details. Cock News from a Canookian, a man removed his genitals, got into a car, wrecked it, caught it on fire, then tried to put it out with his missing dick blood. Reddragons eh!
Shanning Crowder, a dolphin linebacker, that’s the guy that runs down the field with the ball, pissed himself every game. Just because. Wonder what you will see if you google
Jason Ellis skateboarding? Here’s a hint, it’s gonna be Jason Ellis skateboarding. There’s also a youtube video somewhere but I can’t find it so fuck it. What should you do when you forget your girlfriends birthday? Tongue the Bung, is that better than a boom box after forgetting you’re girlfriends birthday right? Linette says that a late birthday party is lame but a night where you sexually treat her and her desires is cool. So tongue the bung it is! After this intriguing and informative conversation it was time for final calls. And then the callers started. John In Houston called to inform everybody that he will be setting up an XGames EllisFam party in Austin June 5th to 8th. He has friends that own bars there and can hook us up with a meeting place for the three days. He is also a local there and can direct people to the best places to stay, eat and drink. Just hit him up on Twitter or Instagram for more details. And then they continued. It was a never ending flood of idiocy that cannot be rivaled and brings Darwin himself to tears. Retarded construction workers, retarded drivers, retarded callers. So many retards that yer mum isn’t sure if she should blow them or eat the crayons, OH!